smackdown(lite): settle your tea kettle

Have you ever loved a new band so much you kind of want to keep their music a secret? It struck me while watching Smackdown this week that I may feel that way about Smackdown. All the fair-weather wrestling fans can pour over Raw as much as they like. Just give me Smackdown (and ECW) and I’ll be quite happy. But keeping the good stuff to yourself doesn’t help spread the ‘good wrestling gospel’, so I’ll continue to recap SD in the hope that newbies will watch and realise that WWE wrestling doesn’t begin and end with the two-hour cringe fest that is Raw. Ah I feel cleansed now.

Any time Smackdown starts with CM Punk, it’s going to be a good show. (By the way, in case you missed it, I was selected by one of the WWE’s official licensees to blog about Punk for them this week. Very exciting. Click here if you haven’t already read it.) Punk made his way to the ring with former-Festus-type-person, Luke Gallows. The bad feeling between Punk and R-Truth continued as they went at it in another match.  Striker and Grisham’s commentary was brilliant through this match. I don’t know whether my ears or my eyes were more orgasmic. My ears when Striker said the words “licentious” and “discotheque” in the same sentence or my eyes when I realised just how much extra hair Punk had managed to grow in just a week. Maybe if I put the two together……

Yeah, that'll do it.

The match was pretty good. Punk and Truth are a good wrestling combo.   But Luke Gallows needed  a role in this and interfered, causing Punk to be DQ’d. The furry one didn’t care. They both continued to maul Truth after the match was over.

Going straight from one match to another (what a novel idea), we had Kane vs Mike Knox. One of the Google search terms to appear on my dashboard this week was “Mike Knox Sexy”. Hmm. Well, we all have our sensual points of reference, so to speak. But….

It was a short but well executed match, won by the Big Red Machine. Although, I think I may be even more terrified of Mike Knox now, knowing that he’s both bi-polar and a schizophrenic. Either that or Matt Striker was getting carried away with this elaborate adjectives again. I’ll go with the latter. It’ll keep the nightmares at bay.

Jericho did some more locker room promo for their tag-match against DX at TLC. Really? More? The 17+ minutes on Raw weren’t enough.  Oh no. I’ve upset the big giant one…..

Time for some lady action.

It's all I can do to keep my mouth shut but....no comment.

This was a Number One Contender’s match for the opportunity to face Michelle McCool for the Women’s Title. Mickie James, Natalya and Beth Phoenix took each other on while McCool and Layla  watched from ringside. This had the potential to be a very exciting match. I’ve been waiting for these three to lock up for some time. But….no, I’m kidding. It was a great match. And I’m so pleased they gave the Divas enough time to build the match to a decent climax. It warms to cockles of my heart to hear a crowd popping for a Divas match. With the previously seen slogan vests on the bad girls in the corner, it would have been surprising for anyone but Mickie James to have won. So she did. Although, my favourite sequence of the whole match came when Natalya clotheslined Mickie to the mat, then put her in a sharpshooter. This was intercepted by Beth, who took Natalya out with the Glam Slam. Argh! Brilliant. More of this please!

I'm not sure what this means but Striker said it in response to this move and I got excited that he said the words "tea" and "kettle". But I've told you before, Matt, it's just "kettle" not "tea kettle". Stop being so American!

Mickie was understandably fired up after the match, so she  stole Josh Matthews’ mic and told Michelle that she had big plans to shut her mouth. A fight ensued and with two-on-one it looked like Mickie was overpowered. But I had this sense that someone was about to come out and help her. ( I swear, I didn’t read the spoilers.) Who could it be?

Over in Teddy Long’s office, Dave Batista was thanking his lucky stars that he got out of Raw while the going was relatively good….

But he was also complaining about something. I can’t remember what it was. Dave’s always complaining these days.  Let’s have another match. This time, John Morrison vs Drew McIntyre. I do so love straight men discussing how attractive other men are. Yes, Matt Striker, JoMo is “disturbingly seductive”. And yes, Todd Grisham, he is a very attractive man. Man-crush away, fellas! No need to pretend you know these things because your sister’s a fan. Real men admit to their man-crushes. FACT!

Anyway, another excellent match. The whole show was on FIRE this week! And it was about time Drew McIntyre started justifying Mr. McMahon personally signing his contract. He redeemed himself to the highest order, taking Morrison out after a brutal battle. I am a little concerned about Drew’s hair though. He seems to have taken on the messy, back-combed, beehive do, currently sported by every female hipster university student who crosses my path.

Speaking of bad looks…. what happened to Vickie Guerrero this week? I know I criticised the fact that she and Escobar wore matching potato sacks last week, but since their break-up she seems to have taken to dressing like my granny.

Break-ups can be messy and this is wrestling, so this one is due to be really messy. Vickie came out and verbally bashed Eric, then he came out and threw some barbs back at her. Vickie screeched. A lot! Then she wielded her managerial power and put him in a handicap match against The Hart Dynasty. They disposed of him rather swiftly, before escorting Vickie back into the ring and holding Escobar down while she slapped him around the chops. That’s what happens when you mess with management. (Take note, Andrew.)

Now on to both the weirdest and the best segment on this week’s show – Punk and Gallows’ backstage interview with Josh. Luke was asked about his drug addiction and gushed excessively about how CM Punk had saved him from depravity.  Then it all got a bit touchy-feely and he referred to Punk as “our Saviour”. Ok, now I’m scared. I’m all for being told off for liking lager, but this is all getting a bit too religious for me. It makes me nervous.

Whenever you're debating whether to have that last pint or not, just think... What would Punk do?

The chest hair can stay, but the beard needs to go. It’s making me feel churchy. As soon as I start putting Punk and Jesus in the same mental box, it’s all over. The lewd comments, Crotch Watch, licking my TV screen. Gone. I repeat, the beard must go.

Jericho and Big Show needed a match, so they took Cryme Tyme on. Another solid one. Not much to report. Show knocked Shad out with a single right hook. I haven’t seen Jericho pull that over-excited happy face in weeks. Nice!

Rumour had it that Taker was going to call Batista out at the end of the night; which means that he will definitely be hollering at Dave at the end of the night. Taker began his usually dramatic entrance, but as he reached the bottom of the ramp and before the pyro had even finished flaming, Batista ran out with a chair and whacked Taker with it.  Could someone please tell the screaming girl in the crowd that it’s not for real? Seriously. Watch it back. That young woman screamed like someone had just cut Taker’s throat with a kitchen knife. Between Mike Knox and her shrillness, I haven’t slept in days. Actually, I think it was this girl; who managed to be on her phone, use her camera and wail like a banshee at the same time.

Dave continued to bash the Undertaker with chairs and shouted a lot. Apparently, he’s the man. I disagree. Then he took his vest off because, you know, it looks better when you’re standing on the turnbuckle hoisting cheap seating and a title belt in the air.

Seems reasonable.

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7 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): settle your tea kettle

  1. In the segment where Festus-I mean Gallows is talking about Punk being our savior I thought it looked like Punk was gonna crack up. Gave me the giggles for a few minutes =]

    I disagree with you Ray, I want him to shave the chest and keep the facial hair. His chest looks so itchy!! As long as he doesnt take it to Mike Knox level face fur, im good with the beard.

    • Thanks very much.

      I have no strong feelings either way about men’s chest hair. But the beard must go. It’s ruining my subconscious. If he takes it as far as Mike Knox, I may have to make Dolph Ziggler the new Crotch Watch favourite.

      • If he keeps it up I’ll track him down and shave him myself! Dolph is cute, but I need me some Punk Crotch. Damn that didn’t come out right… or did it? lol XD

  2. I’m sorry, I’ve taken note. I promise never to cross the boss. ECW recap will be with you tonight/tomorrow morning. Please don’t sack me…

    Actually, as my twitter feed (and your introduction of me) will attest, I am not afraid of proclaiming my man-crushes, which makes me a real man. Therefore, I can say with some confidence that you should shush and make me a sandwich (although as I cooked a pretty nice roast rack of lamb for tea tonight, maybe don’t bother)

    • I don’t know what’s worse… that you told me to shush, that you told me to make you a sandwich, or that you flaunted your rack of lamb in my face when you know I’m living on microwaved food. Bastard!

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