raw(lite): this is raw, not the real world

I avoided watching this week’s Raw for a couple of days. The reviews were so awful that I just couldn’t face the agony of it all. Were it not for this blasted blog I’d have avoided watching this particular episode all together. But, I am never one to  let you people down (often) so I bit the bullet and watched. Kind of like when I get my eyebrows done. I know it’s going to sting, but it’s an unavoidable necessity.

Raw started with the longest PPV promo ever. Ok, scratch that. There’s always some smart-alec who counters my outrageous claims with a random stat. But it was over 17 minutes long which, even with Triple H and Jericho in the frame, was still a struggle. Although, I did enjoy when Show and Jericho had a pash in the middle of the ring.

Melina and Gail Kim came out and the cameras swung backstage, where Maryse was explaining to Josh why she beat Melina up last week. She fumbled her way through her speech, Jillian sang one word and Josh just looked confused.

Bad promo number two aside, I do like Maryse, so I forgave her. She (with very little help from Jillian) won the match.

They look like half the girls I saw out in Cardiff last night. But with more clothes.

Ok, something to get worked up about. The fastest rising star in wrestling. The soon-to-be main eventer – Sheamus.  So, what’s he going to do to turn the heat up on this tantalising tug-of-war with John Cena? Kill a professional jobber.

Oh. I see. There's a table. It was PPV PROMO! Duh!

This happened….

Weird

….. and then Verne Troyer, the guest host, magically appeared on a stool at the top of the ramp.  This guy, with his diminutive stature and child-like voice, kind of makes you want to say AWWWW, CUUUTE. Don’t do that. He appeared on Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago and, even though I skipped most of that televisual tripe, from what I saw he was a pretty annoying and slightly creepy guy. The Miz came out to have a go, but luckily for the little guy, Mark Henry came out to save him. Verne announced a match between the two for later in the show. See? Told you he was annoying.

Ok….. Kofi Kingston vs Randy Orton……here we go….. a match! Oh. Wait. I was a bit premature there……

and then……

They did eventually start a match but Kofi was so damaged by the two earlier sneak attacks at the hands of Rhodes & DiBiase, he couldn’t perform to his full capacity. Randy won, got sweaty, did an Undertaker impression and got off on his immense power.

Back in Troyer’s den, Jillian decided to entertain him and his gamer buddy, MVP, by doing a Beyonce impression.Mark Henry did his best Jay-Z impression. I didn’t end well for Beyonce.

It seems I was bit confused last week. I thought Sheamus and John Cena were signing a contract for TLC. Seems it’s a contract for a title match at any time. John arrived at the arena in a flashy car, walked his way to the ring with a frown and waited for Sheamus to show his face. But Carlito had just dragged himself out of bed to tell John that everyone on the roster hates him.  The forgotten one took an emergency bite of his apple but he took too long over chewing it and found himself well and truly John Cena’d out of the ring.

Chew faster. John's coming.

Sheamus showed up, John got uncharacteristically angry and the Celtic Warrior backed off. It was like one of those David Attenborough programmes where the young, upstart lion tries to take control of the pride, but the alpha lion bares his teeth and frightens the cub away.

It seems Mark Henry’s earlier attempt at being Jay-Z got his musical juices flowing, so he came out with MVP and Verne to do some rapping. He’s no Jay-Z. In fact, he’s not even a half-arsed R-Truth. Although, he did rap the line that seemed to sum this whole show up.

All in all it was a successful evening for the WSM. He silenced the most annoying Diva on the show, he started a new hip-hop career (albeit a bad one) and he won his match against The Miz. Good times!

I was waiting with fear for Little People’s Court, as mentioned last week. It seems they scrapped it. Thank heaven for small mercies.

Triple H and Jericho had a match. They set it up during those epic 17 minutes of promo at the beginning. If Trips won, Big Show would have to face both members of DX next week. If Jericho won, Shawn would have to face both members of JeriShow next week.  I think. I don’t know. I lost the will to live after about eight minutes. I won’t spend too much time on it. It ended like this.

Guess who lost.

So, America. Ricky Hatton’s Raw was the worst of the year, eh? EH? EH? No, didn’t think so. See? Things can always be worse.

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5 thoughts on “raw(lite): this is raw, not the real world

  1. Mega kudos for a) making it to the end of Raw and b) making some of it sound entertaining.

    I did like the Miz’s segment and the fact that my Rice Krispies give a better pop than Carlito and Mark Henry got.

    And I reckon it was Hatton that was bad, not the Raw in general and I was there so saw it all toecurlingly unfurl live. Let’s see if Mark Cuban can improve things!

    • Thanks very much. I actually didn’t think Ricky Hatton did such a bad job.

      I think what’s frustrating about Raw is that it’s so inconsistent. Every week it goes back to square one. I know it’s not due to happen any time soon, but I’d love to see the guest host bit come to an end.

      • I agree about the guest host gimmick ending. Ventura may be an ass but I did like the way he owned the show like a proper GM would’ve done.

        I think Raw needs more wrestling and less talking too, if the promos or guest host segments are weak then it can make it pretty hard to watch between matches.

        And it definitely does not need a little people’s court. Ever.

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