raw(lite): irish eyes are smiling

This week’s Raw was a special three-hour show especially for American Thanksgiving week. The holiday where Americans celebrate the Native Americans who counselled the first pilgrims in how to live off the fat of the foreign land. Unfortunately, things went a bit pear-shaped after that.  But hey, lets gloss over the bad stuff. Read this if you want more detail. Very enlightening indeed.

A lot happened in this show but I’ll focus on the key developments this week. I’m running short on time. Again.

This week’s guest host was Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura. He had a new TV show to plug, wrestling fans love former wrestlers as hosts, it worked.

Randy Orton started things off and he was most disgruntled at being left out in the cold regarding the WWE Championship. Jesse Ventura had a plan. Matches would take place to determine who should be in a Battle Royal later in the show. The winner of that BR would be the number one contender against John Cena at the TLC PPV. The only stipulation was that only roster members who hadn’t been WWE Champion before were eligible. Seems fair to me. Randy disagreed. And just to rub some extra salt into the gash in Randy’s ticker, the first match involved his new arch nemesis, Kofi Kingston.

Kofi was up against Dolph Ziggler (yes, they were allowed to mix brands again). Despite some great work from both, Kofi won. More oppression of the Zig. Oooh, don’t make me down there and rant at you, creative team. I’m very annoying when I’m ranting.

The Miz told everyone they should be thankful for him and that he expects nothing less than success. He doesn’t give thanks for things which should come to him naturally. Fair enough. I think he said more than that but I was distracted by trying to fathom why he was both tanned to the eyeballs but also wearing a thick coat indoors.

Next it was Sheamus vs Finlay. The Republic of Ireland vs Northern Ireland. Shall I go there? Nah. I’ll leave the politics alone for today. Where’s Matt Striker when I need him? Sheamus made very light work of Finlay and just to be sure he’d done a decent job on the Smackdown regular, Sheamus continued to do some damage after the match was done.

Who says they don't really hurt each other?

This was a celebration, so catering put on a spread to rival the finest restaurants in the land. Actually, it all looked rather cold and congealed, but I have no kitchen at the moment and even cold mash looked good. Cold starches are better than no starches at all. But then I was put off by Escobar sucking said mash off his finger.

In another backstage area Randy Orton was determined to get another title shot, but Jesse was just as determined to have the N1C be someone new and shiny, so they remained in a state of  flux.

Next a CM Punk match.  No, I haven’t ditched the Raw recap to skip ahead to Smackdown. He was up against John Cena. I think all my Christmases came at once. He came out and gave the Raw crowd a lecture about the evils of gluttony and I listened attentively while I pondered how my nail varnish colour was exactly the same pink as the stars on his trunks. I put my fingers against his trunks to be sure the colour was a perfect match. ……. What? Shut up!

Great match. I’m already thinking ahead to the post Mania draft. I’d love to see these two start a long-running feud. I don’t know how I’d contain myself. I don’t know who I’d cheer for. When John adjusted Punk’s attitude off the second rope, I didn’t know whether to cheer or cry.

Backstage again where Jesse V. informed Mr. McMahon that he was obliged to join him on commentary at the end of the show, but not before denting his self-esteem a little. From there we went to the next Battle Royal qualifying match. MVP, Mark Henry and R-Truth faced Chavo, Jack Swagger and Chris Masters. I won’t spend too much time on this. R-Truth took the match for the good guys.

Remember in the Survivor Series recap when everyone got excited because it appeared that Shawn Michaels had turned on Triple H? And it looked as if this was the last of DX for a while? Yeah, they bottled that and made a joke of it.

Also, the boys in black n green found out that Hornswoggle had summoned them to Little People’s Court on the following week’s show. Next week’s guest host is the dude who plays Mini-Me in the Austin Powers films. I’m cringing just thinking about Little People’s Court. Anyone want to recap that show for me? No? Ok, I’ll have to do it then.

Over in the ring, Evan Bourne *sigh* was supposed to have one of those BR qualifying matches against Primo, but Randy Orton had other ideas and disposed of Primo before the match got started. Jesse Ventura was impressed by Randy’s gumption and decided to let him fight Evan Bourne for a place in the Battle Royal. It ended like this.

Time for a Divas match and the bad gals had been forced to dress up like pilgrims. On the plus side, that’s the best I’ve heard Michelle McCool speak for some time. Being pissed off obviously brings the best out in her. The ‘Pilgrims’ had to fight ‘The Indians’, with some big turkey thing as timekeeper. It was pretty lame as ideas go but the big news was the return of Maryse, who happened to be inside the turkey suit. YAY! I love Maryse. She’s not the best wrestler but she’s a fab character. CONFESSION: I listen to her ringwalk music on my iPod while walking to work. It makes me feel important and sexy.

I walk down the street like that. True(ish) story.

From there we had DX vs The Hart Dynasty. It had no impact upon the proceedings of the night but it was good to see the young guns against the older statesmen. More of that, please.  At the end of the match, Jericho made his way out to announce that he and Show would be facing DX at the next PPV for the Tag Team Titles. Oh and they will be having a full TLC match. Sweet!

This is a three-hour show and they’ve got a lot of time to fill, so Batista came out to have a whinge about his self-inflicted feud with Rey Mysterio. Kane came out and challenged him to a match to save Mysterio’s skin. That would happen on Smackdown. Meanwhile, Legacy beat Cryme Tyme to get into the Battle Royal match.

It’s not Raw without Santino Marella and this week we had sexist Santino. Fab. Ladies, do your worst.

Time for that special Battle Royal match with Jesse and Vince on commentary. Actually, it was rather entertaining to hear them on commentary, which I’ve only ever been exposed to retrospectively. I’ll skip through all the fluff and get to the important bit. Only Randy and Sheamus were left in the ring. This is it, WWE. You can either follow the same formula you’ve been following for months and let the next title match be between Cena and Orton, or you can take a deep breath and breathe new life into the WWE title. So what’s it to be?

Shocked! I honestly didn’t think they’d have the balls to go with someone new. I’m happy. Sheamus has been making quite the impact lately. Even with people who wouldn’t normally notice a new guy recently drafted from ECW. I’ve mentioned before that my dad pretends not to like wrestling when I think he secretly does. On Monday night I received this text from him.

Turns out Sheamus was in a gritty Irish film called The Escapist. I recorded it but I haven’t watched it yet. It looked a bit grim. Sheamus played an angry prisoner. Anyway, he stepped up to the contract signing and bigged himself up, but John Cena had a response. An impassioned response. A response which made me feel all giddy and light-headed.

OMFG

John screamed so hard his voice started to crack. Then he took his shirt off. It was great! It looked as if Sheamus was about to back off but he returned to the table, signed the contract and threw Cena through that very table.  I’m so torn between these two. I love John like nobody’s business but I’m so excited they’re letting someone new have a go. What to do? What to do?

I don't know what's right and what's reeeeeal a-ny-more. I don't know what I'm meant to feeeeel a-ny-mo-o-o-o-ore (Thanks, Lily Allen)

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2 thoughts on “raw(lite): irish eyes are smiling

  1. The Punk-Cena match was *awesome*. Did you notice how Cena had to give Punk an top rope AA to get him down? I think they showed Punk quite strong here, against the *top guy* of the business. Quite awesome =D
    Major owch at Sheamus’ bruise =[ I saw Punk’s got one on his thigh too, at front… *sigh* Boys. =P
    tc Ray, thanks for the good read. Oh btw, waiting for Crotch Watch… its been ages, girl! =]

    • I know, I know. It’s been a long time since I last did a Crotch Watch. Soz. I’ll see if I can pull one together in the next week or so.

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