andrew’s ecw(lite): the inaugural post

[As you will have seen from this post earlier today, wrestlegasm.com has a new family member. Andrew is now on board and will be bringing you a weekly ECW recap. I’m very excited to be able to add an ECW recap. I’ve wanted to do it for ages. And I’m chuffed to have a team member who isn’t (fake) Matt Striker. Be sure to make him feel welcome, Wrestlegasm posse. I’ll be very annoyed with you if you don’t! Not kidding! Handing over now……]

Hello internet. Before I start I feel it only fair to warn you that I am not your usual correspondent. In fact, Little Miss Wrestlegasm has graciously (foolishly?) offered me the opportunity to recap this weeks episode of ECW for you. I can’t promise to be as entertaining as the usual recaps on this site, but I would like to think it won’t be quite as serious and worthy as certain recent “Mickie James related” blogs…

Anyway, ECW started this week by announcing that Matt Hardy is tonight’s guest on the Abraham Washington show. Personally I can’t stand Matt Hardy (he always makes me think of Moonface from the Faraway Tree books by Enid Blyton. See Ray, I can do contemporary popular culture references.) Also, if you’re not familiar with the Abraham Washington show – it’s a poor chat show parody that has produced only 2 items of merit. The first is Tony Atlas’ laugh, and the second is Sheamus in civvies…

That's how I should have dressed for that christening last week...

First match of the night was Zack Ryder (accompanied by Rosa Mendes) vs Shelton Benjamin. It was announced (after the match had started) that this was a number one contender’s match for the ECW Championship. Before I talk about the match, or (perhaps more interestingly) the aftermath, I feel I have to digress slightly to raise a few issues.

  1. Zack Ryder – This may get me barred from the Wrestlehut forums but I just don’t “get” Zack Ryder. I understand that his entire gimmick is that he’s not likeable, and therefore he’s presumably doing a really good job; but he just annoys me. I hate his tan, his mildly retarded-looking eyes, his stupid tights, his even more stupid entrance theme – I can’t even make myself appreciate his (undoubted) wrestling ability because he annoys me so much.
  2. Shelton Benjamin – Again, not the opinion of a certain forum that I’m a member of, but I like Shelton. I keep hearing how he has no personality or charisma – but the guy’s an amazing wrestler who’s not afraid of taking really stupid risks now and then. As long as he doesn’t sing, or talk, or shout “Ain’t no stoppin’ me now!” at the end of promos he should be fine.
  3. Sexual Inequality – Regular readers of the more established and talented contributor to this site will probably have noticed a segment called “Crotch Watch”, in which Little Miss Wrestlegasm expresses her delight and fixation regarding various male Superstars genital regions. Now, I dare say that if I were to try something similar it would be quite creepy; after all, I do spend a not insubstantial amount of time explaining to my wife that I don’t watch wrestling for the women – and this is mostly true.  Having said that, in the interests of fairness, I would like to introduce a new (and probably never to be repeated) feature entitled “Best Breasts” – the inaugural winner of which is Rosa Mendes. Although, being the only Diva left on the roster, it was a toss-up between her and Regal.  Hopefully I haven’t offended anybody with this award – especially Zack Ryder:

"No it's cool bro, they are pretty awesome..."

So, to get to the match – it was as good as you would expect from these two, and included an interesting aside on commentary from Josh Mathews. Apparently the fact that “Zack Ryder has not been tweeting much this week” should be taken as a sign of how seriously he is taking this match. Not, as all of us canny internet-going fans would have thought, because the WWE have decided that Wrestlers=Mogwai and Twitter=Food and have therefore banned them from tweeting after midnight. Shelton won the match, after which Christian came out and announced as that the ECW title had been overlooked on PPV recently (true) he wanted to steal the show by having a Ladder Match at the new TLC PPV against Shelton. Now this made me quite excited; as Christian rightly pointed out, he and Shelton would feature heavily in any Ladder Match highlight reel. Add this to the fact that Sheamus (yay!) is in the main event against Cena in a Tables Match, and DX face Jerishow in a TLC Match; and this is looking like a promising show. That is, apart from the spectre at the feast that is the “Chair Match” – what the hell is that supposed to be? I’m hoping it’s two men sat in chairs punching each other like Necro Butcher. See here.

We now go backstage where we find (deep breath): Regal’s Ruthless Roundtable of reprehensible and remorseless ruffians relentlessly ruminating ’round the rear of the arena, reassuring William regarding repercussions of recent revelations. I heard someone is a fan of alliteration so figured it was worth a try.

Regardless of what you may have read, that's not how we "do it up Blackpool way"

Next match was Vance Archer in his weekly “destroy a jobber” match. If you’ve not been watching ECW recently, Vance Archer is TNA’s Lance Hoyt (yes, he of the tramp stamp and Guitar Hero controller). He’s “intense” now by the way, which apparently means he has cut his hair. Archer won of course, but take note of his opponent Alex Reynolds. This man is obviously a wrestling genius as he managed to make Lance, sorry Vance, look good.

Wrestling God (with apologies to JBL)

After the aforementioned Abraham Washington show (Moonface Hardy shilling his appearance on something called Scare Tactics, which appeared to be a low-rent Beadle’s About), it was Main Event time. William Regal vs Yoshi Tatsu. So I may unabashedly biased when it comes to Regal, and I am a big fan of Yoshi – so I was really looking forward to this match, although something was bothering me. How will we know what to call Yoshi Tatsu now that Matt Striker is no longer doing commentary on ECW? So far, Wrestlegasm favourite, Striker has given us; Ninja Gaiden, Burning Hammer, Neon Genesis, Falcon Arrow and more. What can Josh Mathews offer us?

Never mind...

What could (and should) have been a great match finished quickly after Vladimir Kozlov pushed Yoshi back into the ring, Yoshi using the momentum to kick Regal in the head and get the pin. After this (lame) finish everything fell apart for Regal when Kozlov blamed Ezekiel Jackson for the loss (somehow managing to hilariously botch pointing at Jackson).

Come on, even HBK can point at someone, and he admits he's cross-eyed

Jackson then attacked both Kozlov and Regal, putting an end to the United Nations of Domination. A sad day indeed…
On the bright side though, I can offer you a Favourite Crowd Member of the Week. This guy was more visible in Smackdown, but he did pop up during the main event of ECW.

In case you're struggling, he's the guy in the red circle

Trust me, if you get chance to watch again – this is the man to watch. I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be slightly “mentally challenged” but he is incredibly entertaining, and unsurprisingly nobody asks the giant man in the cheap plastic Mysterio mask to sit down…

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6 thoughts on “andrew’s ecw(lite): the inaugural post

  1. Long time reader, first time commenter.

    Very good first article, after a rather slow start, got very funny, especially the alliteration, the Josh Matthews picture, and the fan of the week picture caption.

    Hope you, and this whole fantastic blog, are around for a long time!!!

    • Erm, thank you very much. I’m gobsmacked that anybody liked it to be honest, so you have no idea how flattered I am that you popped your comment cherry on somebody as undeserving as I. I promise I will still respect you in the morning…

  2. Welcome to the family Andrew! =]
    I can’t stand Matt Hardy either– dunno why, but I just can’t seem to like him. Looovvveeee Regal though.
    LoL @ Best Breasts! Haha, I’m glad you’ve stood up for gender equality. Altough I’ll still only be waiting for Crotch watch =p
    Good read =] keep it up!

  3. Love the post, looking forward to more.

    Also great to read another Shelton fan, starting to think me and a friend were the only two. 🙂

    And YAY! for William Regal love, me too but I can’t get my sister to see how funny and great he is.

Comments are closed.