survivor series: you blow it, i’ll catch it

I’ve been putting this recap off this week. Nothing to do with the show. It was actually a fabulous Pay Per View. One of the better ones this year. But with all that cross brand action I was finding it difficult to decide how to go about it. I had planned on doing a podcast but my technology has failed and, quite frankly, I need to get this one done asap.

The show kicked off with a midcarders’ match in the first of three traditional Survivor Series elimination matches. Team Miz consisted of Dolph Ziggler, Sheamus, Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre and of course Captain Miz. First of all, what are all these rumours about Dolph Ziggler being up for the shop? If Dolph gets released and is wished well with his future endeavours, it’ll be a tragedy. I mentioned during Cool Britannia Week that Dolph was the stand-out worker of the Smackdown House Show in the ‘Diff. If he’s not pleasing creative it’s because they’re not using him properly. I digress.  Team Miz were up against Team Morrison, obviously captained by John Morrison and accompanied by Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, Finlay and Evan Bourne *sigh*.  Every time you mention Evan Bourne from now on I expect you to sigh afterwards, just like when Homer Simpson fell in love with Arthur Fortune. Arrrrthur Fortuuune ohhhhhhh!

An excellent match to get things started, tempered by that old rivalry between Miz and Morrison. This match was all about saying “This is the future of the company, get used to it.” Oh and also about letting us see exactly what all those white boys would really look like without their gravy spray. I’m pretty sure Ayrshire is as cold and sunless as Dublin, which goes to show just how thick Drew McIntyre’s fake tan is. I’ve always thought fake tan makes your skin smell like stale digestive biscuits, so if you’ve ever wondered what the middle of a wrestling ring smells like, now you know.

I can smell it from here. Biscuit and a cuppa anyone?

Things weren’t looking too promising for John Morrison when he found himself alone and faced with Sheamus, McIntyre and The Miz. It would have taken some Super-John-Cena magic for him to pull that win off. He didn’t. Sheamus pinned him and sealed the deal for the bad guys.

It took days for Sheamus to wash the orange imprint of Morrison's abs off his back.

From there we went backstage where the next collection of faces were psyching themselves up. Kofi’s team of Christian, MVP, Mark Henry and R-Truth were noting that one of them appeared different to the rest. Christian was feeling a little insecure, but as R-Truth so eloquently expressed…..

Then Christian did some very dubious rapping about being the only non-black bloke in the group. Stick to the day-job, darl. We’ll come back to that crew later.

Next we had the battle of former family – Batista vs Rey Mysterio. With all that intense emotion it should have been epic. Even my dad, who tries really hard not to like wrestling, has felt the need to let me know how convincing Dave’s heel turn has been recently. Seems he’s been paying more attention than he’d care to admit! Anyway, it should have been great, but meh! It was kind of obvious that SS would not bring the story to a conclusion and so it didn’t really have anywhere to go. Of course Dave walked away victorious. They’ll be milking this one to the death. It almost looked as if Mr. B was ready to make friends when he sat down for a chin-wag.

See? They're friends really.

But it turned out he just wanted to lure Rey into a false sense of security before walloping him with the chair he’d just been sitting on. Nice guy.

We needed to go back to the locker room, where Team Kofi’s opponents, Team Randy Orton, were preparing. Now that’s a team I’d like to go to a country retreat to do team-building exercises with. Raft building and mountain climbing etc. Bagsy I spot  Randy while he climbs the plastic wall. And you’re not mistaken, that is my compatriot William Regal with his Survivor Series t-shirt tucked into his trunks.

It's the seaside town they forgot to shut down for a reason.

It seems some team-building exercises could have helped this lot out. There was more tension between them than between Randy’s trunks and his package! But Randy reminded them all, particularly Punk, that they had to work as a collective. Did they manage it? Let’s see…….

But before we reached that point it was a spectacular match.  This was, after all, laced with main eventers and it lived up to the hype. CM Punk was particularly angry about R-Truth’s entrance, having to be held back by the referee. I don’t blame him. It’s pretty dire. I love people who aren’t afraid to show their passion for music.

Just repeat after me, babe.... even through the darkest days, this fire burns, always, this fire burns, aaaaaalwaysssssss! ....... Soothing!

As I say, the whole thing was rather wonderful but the big story was the arrival of Kofi Kingston as a main event superstar. A journey complete. Admittedly, I was cheering for Punk and Randy to join forces and take Kofi out, but the energetic former Jamaican deserved this transcendence to wrestling greatness. (Worship me, Striker!) Of course, my favourite moment of the match was when Punk decided to blow me a kiss before he brought Kofi down with a thump. Yes. I did reach my hand into the air, catch the kiss and spread it across my lips. What of it?

Kiss after kiss after kiss. It's like magic!

Jericho vs Big Show vs Undertaker for the Heavyweight title was a little slow getting going, although Chris Jericho telling one of the crowd who damned him to Toronto that he was an idiot for not knowing that the Jericho(Irvine) brood hail from Winnipeg was a stroke of pure genius. If this moment did anything, it made me hanker for the old Chris Jericho. Y2J. Jericho’s return to the top this year has been due to this socially superior character he’s been playing, but anyone following his Twitter knows that comedic Chris is still alive. I’d LOVE to see Y2J come back and have a feud with Punk. L.O.V.E! Imagine this but with Randy replaced with CM.

Once all those aching muscles warmed up it was a great match. Taker retained the title (as expected but not hoped) and JeriShow remained intact.  It appeared that Big Show had the upper hand, pulling his straps down and reaching for Taker’s neck for a chokeslam. But it was not to be. I think had he not taken those few extra seconds to get more naked, he might have pulled it off. Show’s pasty flesh spurred the Undertaker on to move quickly and remove the offending form. Show tapped out after getting wrapped up in Hell’s Gate.

Pure mathematics.

Right, now the Divas match. The day before Survivor Series I posted a rather impassioned  (if slightly too long and serious) rant about the WWE’s women’s division. You’ll be pleased to know I won’t be doing that again for some time. I’m all lady-ranted out! The match itself, while shorter than the other elimination matches, was pretty good. All involved worked well, even if several fell foul of Beth Phoenix’s immense power in quick succession early on.  The final three ladies in the ring, Bad Gal Captain McCool, Lovely Lady Captain Mickie James and her bestest pal Melina, were all pretty fabulous, pulling out some great work.  Melina pinned Ms. McCool to win the match and I cheered my biggest cheer of the night for Team Mickie James.

YEEEEEEEAAAH!

Alrighty, time for the final match of the night – Triple H vs Shawn Michaels vs John Cena for the WWE Championship. Had I been pushed for a prediction on this match, I would have expected Cena to retain but for some other shenanigans to do down with DX.  I was kind or right, but was surprised at how quickly that played itself out. So was everyone else! At this point I was getting a little sleepy so I salsa danced around my living room to DX’s entrance. Sounds odd, but it totally worked. It went something like this, but way sexier and in pyjamas……..

I was awake and ready for a few minutes of pushing and shoving before things got interesting, giving me time to consume yet another mince pie before I got too excited to eat. That was not to be. Within seconds of the bell ringing Shawn Michaels kicked his leg out and delivered some bitchin’ Sweet Chin Music to Triple H’s head. It was like you could hear his jaw bone snapping.

It happened so fast the crowd hadn't even had time to react yet!

Once we’d recovered from that shock, the match got going for real and it was BRILLIANT. I know I wasn’t the only one watching in a European timezone contemplating how they were going to force themselves to sleep once this show drew to a close at 4:00am. It was that exciting, made all the more finger-tingling by the commentary team. I believe I tweeted….

Yes, there is a word missing from that tweet. It should have been 'when Striker gets excited'. My fingers are awful. Which is just one of the reasons why Matt Striker would never come near me. (Shut up, Southern.)

All three guys got their fair share of action but ultimately John Cena won, holding on to the title for another month.

New merchandise in time for Christmas, kids. Get it while it's orange!

This was the perfect time for DX to disband. This week’s Raw promised much angry banter between Hunter and Shawn. Did it happen? Don’t hold your breath. And a whole new opponent got all up in John Cena’s grill and signed a contract for a title match at the TLC PPV. It was rather surprising. I’ll go into the Survivor Series fallout in the Raw Recap over the weekend.  JEBUS! What a night!

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7 thoughts on “survivor series: you blow it, i’ll catch it

  1. I totes did the same thing with Punk’s kiss. Though to spare my husband’s wrath I did wait till he wasn’t around… I think it was that he was looking right down the camera. I went all squee.
    To be honest I’m not feeling the Striker love. Sometimes I just want him to shut his face!

    • Awww, don’t say that. Striker’s AMAZING! Couldn’t you just talk to him for hours???? I will find a way of converting you. 🙂

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