raw(lite): a spot of gardening

Ok, after my brief moment of seriousness yesterday, it’s time to get back to the fun stuff. I mean, that’s why you come here, right? Honestly though, I only do the serious bits because I care. Back to normal……..

Having just returned from their European tour, the WWE boys and girls found themselves at Madison Square Garden in New York City and they were given quite the welcome home party. Rowdy Roddy Piper was guest hosting and brought a couple of friends along for his opening gambit.

Piper, keep those knees together, hun.

I always feel a ripple of excitement when I see that side entrance at MSG. It reminds me of one of my best wrestling moments. When I literally felt my heart beat faster. Mainly because it was a total surprise. Hate me for it if you want, but it still makes me smile and go a bit tingly…..

The show started with The Miz vs MVP for the United States Championship. Miz dutifully insulted the New Yorkers in the crowd, they abused him in return. MVP came out in a Yankees hat, they cheered him in return. Then he gave his hat to his crazy girlfriend.

Nice jacket, Sherri. I’ve got a military style outfit like that, but I look a bit more like this in mine.

I WISH! Love you, Cheryl. Go on, say "...because we're worth it." in that Geordie accent for me again. Please?

Pretty decent match, but the gold stayed firmly glued to The Miz’s shoulder. Well, you didn’t think they’d drop the US Title to MVP when Miz is making such a great job of being hated, did you?

In more tales of getting a crowd reaction, Santino came out wearing a Rangers jersey (YAY), and a Giants jersey (YAY), and a Knicks jersey (YAY), and a Jets jersey (YAY), and Phillies jersey (BOOOOO)  and then a Yankees jersey (YAY).

He fought Chavo, but the match was interrupted when Hornswoggle came out in full DX clobber to distract him and help Santino to the win. Same-old same-old. Hornswoggle really should have listened to DX’s gimmick infringement warnings. After the usual DX entrance, shameless self-promotion and Pay Per View promo, Shawn and Hunter invited Horny to join them in the ring and become a fully fledged member of DX. Something smells fishy. Don’t do it, Hornswoggle!!! Don’t do iiiiiit!

But those DX boys aren’t completely cold-hearted. They stretchered him out on their own brand of medical apparatus.

If there’s some DX branded cough syrup, a la Krusty the Clown, please send me a crate of it. My throat and my vocal chords hate each other today. Which probably means so Survivor Series podcast, you’ll be pleased to know.

From there we had a montage of famous MSG clips set to Jay-Z’s Empire State of Mind. One of my favourite songs of the year. And my fave John Cena moment was in there too. So 😛

We’re already some way into the show and we’ve hardly seen any of Piper, so Chris Jericho went to see him to complain about the fact that Piper hadn’t consulted him in any way about how the show runs. Chris Jericho also showed up shirtless and in jeans.

This makes no sense. I thought he was against such casual clothing since he made the leap to being a besuited badass. Not a complaint, you understand. Just puzzling. I actually have a thing for blue jeans with no shirt. I suspect it goes back to my teenage years when, just like every other woman my age, I had this poster on my bedroom wall.

I was lame.

Anyway, Chris Masters seems finally to have found his calling in life, flexing his pecs to Black Eyed Peas’ Boom Boom Pow.  Good for him. The Bellas certainly enjoyed it. Let’s move on…..oh….wait….before we do.

I miss you. Come back soon.

Next, we had Melina vs Alicia Fox for the Divas title. The ladies were introduced by Judah Friedlander, who you might know if you watch 30 Rock. If you don’t watch 30 Rock….. you should. Alicia requested that she be announced as the next Divas champion, Judah refused and called the rest of the Divas out for a LumberJill Match. Sweet! Of course, Melina won and all the ladies around the ring jumped in for a mass scrap, as this was all in aid of promoting  the Survivor Series match. I’d like to put a request in to the Diva Gods that it’s a good match. I promise I’ll be a good girl and won’t misbehave all week if it’s cool. PLEEEEEASE!

Back to Piper and this time he was allowed out in the ring. First of all, Piper looks extremely healthy. Considering it wasn’t so long ago that the internet was awash with rumours of him being at death’s door, it was good to see him so exuberant. Piper made quite a long speech about his past exploits, which I happened to think was great. But actually, it was also a marker for how much things have changed, even in the relatively short time I’ve watched wrestling. It felt a little uneasy. As if scary things might be about to happen on live, santitised TV.

Piper decided he wanted one more match….against Vince McMahon!

The exchange between Piper and McMahon went on for some time. Still feeling slightly uneasy, but exciting at the same time. We’ll find out if Vinnie Mac accepted the offer of a street fight later.

From old-timers to newcomers. Sheamus came out to challenge anyone who felt like a fight. Nobody came. So he decided to pick his own opponent, some poor sound guy sat next to Justin at ringside. He got a good kicking and was thrown across the announce table for good measure. Always a champion for the little guy, Jerry Lawler stood up to Sheamus, but sadly he was kicked in the face. I say ‘sadly’ but with Jim Ross out of action there was only one other quality colour commentator who could stand in while The King was attended to by the medical team.

Yeah, Matt Striker is a New Yorker and, you know, just happened to be there to enjoy the show. Thank heavens he came out for a night of entertainment or Michael Cole might have had to go it alone for the rest of the show. In short, I love wrestling.

Next we had Evan Bourne *sigh* vs Jack Swagger in a repeat of last week’s match-up. Good match, which allowed Swagger to reassert his physical power after last week’s loss. Not before some amazing elasticity from Evan Bourne though.

I think my brother might want to be him.

Remember earlier when the Hod Rod challenged Mr. McMahon to a street fight? Yeah, that didn’t happen. But Randy Orton was after some stress relief (!) so he offered himself up instead. Orton beat RRP up for a bit, then Kofi Kingson came out. Whether Kofi was trying to save Piper or just release some stress of his own is unclear, but their in-crowd brawl was rather fabulous.

An invisible force field was stopping the refs from pulling them apart.

Kofi had Orton on the control panel table thingy and was about to stick him through the table. But the referees thought this had gone far enough and pulled him down. Matt Striker agreed that it was the sensible thing to do. The crowd did not. Once he was free of the striped ones, Kofi dashed back to the balcony, slipped around a bit, the refs moved as if in slow motion to pull him down again, allowing Kofi to drop himself through Orton’s chest, and in turn, Orton through the table.

Insert your own caption. Mine is gross.

Say what you want about John Cena (and I know you will) but he’s bloody good at this stuff.

First thing, I know The Undertaker isn’t much of a conversationalist, John, but Chris Jericho cleared up the Taker mortality conundrum a few weeks ago on Smackdown. Remember?

Second thing, a frisbee golf tournament and glo stix party with DX sounds awesome. Let’s make it happen, people. We’ll do it for charity or something so they can’t say no. I’m a genius.

Main event time and having this many main event bods in the ring at once is almost too much to take. So many names, so many famous finishers. I didn’t know where to look. It was getting late though, so it was all over pretty quickly, John Cena pinning Michaels for the win. But wait, what’s this? Taker tombstoning Cena? You idiot. He was YOUR PARTNER. You’re BOTH GOOD GUYS. You’re fighting in SEPARATE MATCHES at the PPV. For DIFFERENT TITLES.

Stop the face-on-face brutality, you rotting old magical corpse.


6 thoughts on “raw(lite): a spot of gardening

  1. Maybe the contact lenses come delivered on the DX stretcher! Now I’d pay to see that!
    Also, I had an ex that looked like Jack Swagger. He too was an arse.
    I found it quite strange that they allowed the Iron Sheik to bamble on about Hogan when he’s just joined TNA…

  2. It’s quite odd you should choose that exact screenshot of Jack Swagger as that is my current desktop wallpaper. I just thought I would mention this random and quite useless piece of information.

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