cool britannia week: part five

…….. or as it’s usually known raw(lite).

I suppose now that my few days with the WWE boys and girls are suitably recapped, it’s time to get back to reality. Technically, the TV shows are unreality, because they’re based on characters and running storylines. Maybe the time where I was actually in the same room as them was the only reality. Oh bugger it! I can’t do existentialism on a Sunday afternoon. Let’s travel upt’ north to Sheffield and get back to the story.

Apparently, nobody in America knows who Ricky Hatton is. I suspect that was why this week’s (American) viewing figures for Raw were the lowest of the year. But you know that this tells you? This is basically what Raw’s viewing figures would be without the guest host bit. So rather than shit all over Ricky Hatton, why not think about THAT! Eh? To be honest, I don’t care about viewing figures. This is still Cool Britannia Week, I LOVE Ricky Hatton and on this one occasion, I’m going to say SCREW YOU, AMERICA! It’s not our fault you didn’t understand a word that came out of his mouth. PS—> I still love you , America, I’m just feeling very proud of my blood this week. I’ll make it up to you next week when I go New York City crazy.

Nice to see WWE have splashed out a new set for this round of UK shows. Last time they were here the did this…..

There was also a red phone box which I spotted during the Smackdown recap. And this time around they did……..

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Wait.....

Ricky Hatton was introducing himself and the show when JeriShow decided to interrupt. As they do. There was a bit of banter and then Jericho called the Queen a hypocrite. Orrrff with his head! Actually Jericho, we may be under monarchic rule, but it’s not like we get much choice in the matter. And by the way, who’s on Canadian bank notes?

$20canada

Just sayin'.

Ricky told him to start speaking a language we could understand and I cheered. In my armchair. YEEEAH! After Jericho’s rebuttal Ricky told him he was just a guy with a bad haircut and he should get out of his face. YEEEEEEAH! Ricky set a match up between JeriShow and DX, then as the bad guys were getting a bit antsy, DX came out to give Ricky a hand. I swear to God, if Michael Cole says “CalVary” instead of “CaValry” once more I’ll blow a gasket. There was a bit of a scrap, which scared Jericho and Big Show away.

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The first real match of the night was Kelly-Kelly vs Alicia Fox. Melina will defend her title against Alicia on tomorrow’s Raw at MSG in NYC with RRP as guest host. So Alicia needed a tune-up match. Has someone been giving Kelly extra wrestle lessons or something? Because she was prettygood. Although, I’m not 100% sold on her plan to be a broadcast journalist once her wrestling career’s over. Judging by the way she handled the mic from the balcony at Cardiff International Arena on Tuesday, I can’t really imagine her reporting from the Gaza strip. But who am I deny a girl her dream? I’ll be happy to be proven wrong. Anyway, Alicia won the match with a scissor-kick to Kelly’s neck.

afscisskick

I need to get back to pilates class. Pronto!

Backstage, Ricky Hatton and his mini-me ran into John Cena. John was a tad put out about not being given a match that night. Ricky suggested that John needed his rest, being that he has a title belt to defend and all. Something tells me we’ll be seeing John again later in the show.

Last week Sheamus destroyed Jamie Noble. And that’s not just an adjective. He really did. Jamie Noble retired this week. 😦 One career ends, another takes flight. Sheamus, now on a roll, decided to beat up a ‘local competitor’ just like Beth Phoenix has been doing on Smackdown. Normally, a Celt proclaiming that he’s going to make an Englishman look like a fool would appeal to my deep-set Celtic ancestry. But as he said nasty things about Wales in Cardiff on Monday night…..

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I think you can guess how this one ended.

The Bella Twins are possibly worse at feigning interest in the guest host than Kelly, but still they were told to ask Ricky Hatton all about his current business ventures now that he’s a retired man. I didn’t know he had a clothing line. I might look into that. This was all very sensible, so Santino Marella turned up in a fat suit, because Ricky is well known for eating a lot of pies and drinking copious amounts of Guinness when in between training sessions.  See why he’s so amazing? Admittedly, he probably had too many pies before that last match against Floyd Mayweather (hate), but I largely put that defeat down to Roger Mayweather’s piss-poor training camp.  Anyway, Santino was fat. Hahaha.

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Just like all British pub dwellers, Ricky’s a bit good at darts, so Chavo challenged him to a match. It didn’t go well for Chavo. Ricky Hatton (not Ricky Fatton) set a match for the two of them up for later in the show. I get the feeling things won’t be improving for Chavo.

Over in the interview area, The Miz and Jack Swagger did a lovely bit of promo for Survivor Series (can’t believe that’s next week BTW) and then we were back in the ring for Swagger vs Evan Bourne. Oh Evan Bourne. My lollipop man. *SIGH* Swagger looked like he was going to take this match without too much trouble, but The Miz came out dressed rather nicely and with a mic in hand to get a closer look. Jack was a little distracted by his ringside viewer, took his eye off the ball and allowed Evan to take the match. Swagger’s hopes at becoming a team captain at Survivor Series were well and truly scuppered.

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Speaking of Survivor Series, there’s a few elimination matches happening there, so the promo continued. MVP was in his VIP Lounge with Mark Henry and then Kofi Kingston. Spot the guy who’s about to have an “impromptu” match.

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All their pre-PPV jollity was interrupted by Legacy. I’d say ‘spot the guy who’s about to have an “impromptu” match’ again, but they all love not wearing trousers so much it’s very hard to tell which one it might be. They questioned the authenticity of MVP’s VIP Lounge. I hate to agree with those beautiful nutters, but they’re kind of right. Those pleather sofas are obviously borrowed from Teddy Long’s office and the $50 bottle of champagne is…..well at least it is champagne. Then again, that gold foil on the top of the bottle looked remarkably like a bottle of Magners. The jury’s out.

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So they had a rumble, which ended in a bona fide match between Mark Henry (shocker) and Randy. Pretty decent. Randy won. The more we hate Randy the more we love Kofi. It’s the natural order of things. Am I allowed to love them both? Please? Randy wasn’t done. He gave Kofi a whack too but Kofi threw a few punches and frightened the baby oiled boys away. I. LOVE. THIS. FEUD!

Ricky Hatton vs Chavo was silly, but cool. And Ricky gave Chavo one hell of a wallop to the temple. Ok, so it probably wasn’t as hard as he could punch, but it sounded pretty real.

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Over in the locker room, this happened…….

Funny! By the way, John, I sent you an invitation to my party and you didn’t even RSVP. What gives?

I have to commend WWE for the excellent promotion they’re pulling out of the bag for SS. The promotion for some of this year’s Pay Per Views has been awful, but they’re really trying hard with this one. John Cena was on commentary for the DX/JeriShow match and spoke about his triple threat with DX the whole way through. Way to plug, baby!

It all came to cataclysmic end (yeah, I said cataclysmic) when Jericho failed to twist Michaels into the Walls of Jericho. Shawn countered, Big Show came to his rescue but accidentally socked Jericho in the chops. Hunter knocked Show over the ropes, leaving Shawn to pin Jericho for the win.

Just as it looked like the show was about to end, Justin announced next week’s main event. DX vs JeriShow vs John Cena aaaaand……………….

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Ohhhhhhhh! So THAT’s why Punk vs Undertaker was the first match in Cardiff earlier that night. At 7:30pm I was watching The Undertaker throw Punk in a coffin live in the ‘Diff. A few hours later he was on Raw in Sheffield. WHAT?!?!?! That’s like a five or six hour drive! How did he do that??????

BMAGIC

Or possibly………

LEGOCOPTER

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3 thoughts on “cool britannia week: part five

  1. That dead mofo was flown in to Sheff! I saw the plane, “Deadman
    Airways” 😀
    Just after Ted said the thing about $50 champagne, someone behind us shouted, “MVP shops at Aldi!”
    Also, that Triple H sign was my favourite of the two nights. I live in Leeds and *I* don’t even support LU!

    • I’m surprised LU are even still going. I could have sworn they went into liquidation years ago! 🙂

      I can’t really see MVP at Aldi. Lidl maybe. But not Aldi.

      And ssshhhh. Don’t spoil my fantasy that Taker flew from Cardiff to Sheff on a broomstick. 😀

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