raw(lite): boom-chicka-wah-wah

The guest host of this week’s Raw was me. I drafted CM Punk over from Smackdown and made an announcement that if anyone wanted to be in the main event of the night they’d have to find a way of impressing me and persuading me that they deserved it. No…. wait…. that was just the dream I had on Monday night. John Cena, CM Punk and Triple H all went out of their way to “impress me” but I cannot reveal their methods, at least, not if I want to keep this post relatively child-friendly. So I’ll just say that if my subconscious has an accurate grip on reality, Stephanie McMahon is a lucky lady. Oh and Trips sent deli food to my dressing room afterwards in case I was hungry. Triple H is The Man. ❤

Best. Sandwich. Ever.

Best. Sandwich. Evah.

The real guest hosts of Raw this week were Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I used to love Sharon Osbourne. I enjoyed her fiery personality. But lately she’s made some very spiteful and unnecessary comments about genuinely nice people, so now I’d be quite happy not to see her and her plastic face on TV for quite some time. Ozzy, however, is still the coolest thing to ever come out of Brum. The show as a whole? Meh. My dream was WAY more entertaining.

Ok, so they got going with Shaz n Oz in the ring, played a few clips of Ozzy’s previous dalliances with the WWE and announced it was going to be a wild night. The Miz came out to disagree. He wanted our guest hosts to overturn last week’s result against Evan Bourne. This instigated the arrival of Rhodes and DiBiase, whose gripe concerned Kofi Kingston’s destruction of the very special NASCAR they bought for leader-man Randy Orton last week.  I say ‘they’, but according to Teddy he paid for most of it. What’s this? Does Ted get paid more than Cody? Hmm. Friction among Orton’s footsoldiers? I wish they’d stop teasing me with the idea that Legacy may have a big bust-up and dispand. It gets my hopes up then dashes them away. Like Ted’s face turn. What happened to that?

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The ring needed a few extra bods, so Big Show came down with some sort of complaint, then DX came down to join in the fun too . Oh. Hai Triple H. Last time we saw each other you were being really “impressive”. I’m blushing just looking at you.

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Yeah, even with all the shameless plugging. You had to be there to understand.

There was a whole bunch of book promotion, then DX helped Ozzy and Sharon make some matches. They announced The Miz vs Evan BRAWN, KOBE Kingston vs Randy Orton, and Chris Jericho vs Big Show vs John Cena. One outta three ain’t bad.

Then this happened.

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Phew! I had an awful feeling Ozzy would end up in a match.

Moving on, The Miz and Evan Bourne had another pretty decent match, which was followed by a Josh Matthews interview with Sheamus. I’m not entirely sure what Josh was wearing.  A grey pinstripe suit and a purple chequerboard shirt with no tie looks a bit like he’s been pushed in front of the camera before he was quite done primping himself. But considering the monster he was stood next to, I’m probably the only person who noticed Josh’s odd attire.

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Fact! If by fact you actually mean fiction.

Sheamus promised Josh that he’d make mincemeat out of Jamie Noble for the second time in as many weeks. He wasn’t lying. He absolutely demolished the poor little guy. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole even dropped their voices down to the their patented ‘serious-times’ tone as the paramedics stretchered Noble away and Sheamus chuckled at the top of the ramp. Oh and just a word of comfort to all the people who made their way to this website Googling “Was Jamie Noble really hurt on Raw”……

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So next we had Kofi Kingston vs Randy Orton, and I’m not sure which of the two were more angry. Good to see that even though Randy was in a fit of rage after having his car trashed he still had time to get a gravy spray. The match was moving along nicely but, true to form, Rhodes and DiBiase came out. Normally I’d roll my eyes at that, but if I’d spent a few thousands quid on buying my boss a custom NASCAR with his face painted on the bonnet, only to have it totalled, I’d be a bit pissed off too.  This was all a little uneven, so Ozzy and Sharon sent MVP and Mark Henry out to balance things out. It all came to an end when this happened.

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I think you can guess what happened between pic one and pic two.

Cody, I hope your boss appreciates your dedication to the Legacy cause. I believe that’s called going above and beyond the call of duty. The Randy/Kofi saga continues. I’ll ask Kofi how he feels about it all when I meet him on Tuesday afternoon. (WHEEE!) From here things got a little silly. Sharon appears as a judge on America’s Got Talent. The trashy copy of Simon Cowell’s brainchild Britain’s Got Talent. So it’s only right that, having plugged Ozzy’s soon to be published autobiography, Sharon should get some TV time for her project too. This, my friends, was Raw’s Got Talent; with Sharon, Ozzy and the Great Khali as judges. You’d think Khali judging talent would be the most random thing to ever appear on television. But no, that accolade will be awarded in just a moment. In the meantime, Sharon exclaimed that she’d be more than happy to have Khali as a son-in-law. Does Kelly get a say in this? I think she may object.

Anyway, our first contestant was Santino Marella (of course) who proceeded to bite the head off a Batman action figure.

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Then, you know that random thing I referred to just a moment ago? Here it is. I’m not much for performance art. But this is rather spectacular. Watch. And be amazed.

Easily the best thing on the whole show.  I have new respect for Chris Masters. And I had NONE before. The final contestants were Chavo Guerrero and Jillian, who sang a duet. Very badly. The judges didn’t like it. None of us did. Jillian took offence and fronted up to Sharon, who gave her a good slapping in return.  This got even more ridiculous when Hornswoggle ran out dressed at Jack Osbourne and jumped all over Chavo. Apart from Chris Masters finally finding a niche, is anyone else getting sick of watching the same segment in a different guise every week?

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The next match was a Divas match to decide on who will face Melina for the Divas title. Urgh! It was horrible. Unless one of the Raw girls turns heel the only bad gal in the ring was Alicia Fox. So you can guess who won. It was good to see Eve back in the ring. I was starting to wonder if they were sidelining her for some professional escort type role, and clearly she is one of the more natural female athletes on the Raw roster. Some weird mischief going on between her and Jack Swagger though. What’s this nonsense all about?

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Chris Jericho had an exchange with Ozzy and Sharon, which they could have made a lot more of, what with the Ozzy and Fozzy connection. Then we went backstage were DX were trying to have a meaningful discussion with Hornswoggle about intellectual property. Yeah. Really. John Cena helped Horny and then made a wank joke.

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Ssshhh, John. I wanted to keep the details of my dream fairly low-key.

This lead us into the last match of the night – Chris Jericho, John Cena and Big Show. The match itself was nothing to write home about, but DX on commentary were AMAZING! I was starting to think it was time for Hunter and Shawn to put their DX costumes back into storage for another year, but they were so perfectly in synch throughout the entire match, I’d be happy for them to hang around in the black and green a bit longer. The match ended when Show and Jericho teamed up to take Cena out. DX threw their headsets down and jumped in, but the might of JeriShow won out.

Next week’s Raw is from Sheffield. In the UK. More on that later. Wheeee!

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2 thoughts on “raw(lite): boom-chicka-wah-wah

  1. If I remember correctly, when Taker started his journey to Wrestling immortality, he was a giant pale red-haired freak who destroyed everyone starting from a Survivor Series match.

    What do you think the chances Sheamus is still with the company as at least a midcarder in 3 years?

    • Hmmmmm, depends what they do with him. But they’re doing a mighty fine job of summoning up plenty of hate from the audience at the moment.

      One of my favourite things about the current Taker bit is when his hair paint starts to run and his ginger roots start showing through. Brilliant!

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