raw(lite): the game says the show’s over

Before I get to recapping Raw, a little personal background…..because I’m home from work sick and am feeling a little philosophical. It’s my blog and I’ll ponder national identity if want to. Skip ahead to the non-emboldened text if you’re not interested.

I’m very pleased that I’ve been able experience real America, because it’s an incredible  place which most people outside America never truly get to see beyond the tourist traps. My love affair with the USA is largely unexplained but I think it has something to do with being a closet optimist and being fond of success. America enjoys success. Britain has an inferiority complex. It’s ok Britain. Don’t cry. Without you I never would have garnered a dry sense of humour based on sarcasm and irony. I remember crying because my parents wouldn’t take me to Florida as a kid.  I also remember crying when my parents went to San Diego without me. In 2001 I went to visit my lovely friend, Lisa, in New Jersey. The rest is history. And don’t even get me started on my silly, raging lust for New York City. It’s all your fault, Lise. 😉

I’ve spent a fair amount of time in the North, but I’ve spent a lot of time in the South. It took me a LONG time to understand the South. I think I got there in the end, but it wasn’t easy. I don’t think I’ve ever done this before, but to quote Jeremy Clarkson , “Three religions down here. George Bush, God, Country and Western. In that order. Ascending order.” That’s a little unfair and there are many beautiful things about the South, including the wonderfully friendly people. But you know which Southern obsession I’ve never understood, never want to understand and could very much do without? NASCAR.  The only good thing about it is that it spawned the Disney-Pixar movie Cars, which allows me to listen to Owen Wilson speak without having to analyse why I find his crooked face so appealing.

Speaking of NASCAR while driving through Alabama for Top Gear’s American Adventure, James May said “Jeremy has written on the boot [of my car] ‘NASCAR SUCKS’. Now that’s a type of saloon career racing that is very very big in this part of the world. This is where all the drivers come from, all the building of the cars is done, all the supporters come from down here. And to say it sucks, is a bit like going up and punching somebody’s sainted mother.” Nevertheless, I think from my bunker in Cardiff it’s safe for me to say that NASCAR sucks and so did the painful hosting performance of this week’s Monday Night Raw hosts – NASCAR supremos, Kyle Busch and Joey Logano.

Here begins your Raw recap………

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Raw got started with Chris Jericho and treacherous Big Show, who both dared to come out on Raw wearing Smackdown blue! And even though Bragging Rights is a brand new PPV gimmick and has no history or prestige attached to it, Jericho still cradled that tin cup like it was his first-born child.  It all started as a meeting of the Mutual Appreciation Society, but soon turned sour when Jericho got too cocky. A new lovers’ tiff ensued.

This was all called to halt when Busch and Logano sped their way in to arena in NASCAR vehicles.

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Men!

I’m not entirely sure what Kyle Busch was trying to say to Show and Jericho. He seemed a little lost. Maybe I missed something.

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Yeah, I definitely missed something.

Basically, the NASCAR kids played the heel/face game and lost. As my podcasts attest, I’m not exactly a broadcasting natural myself, but seriously, you’d think they might have rehearsed this part beforehand. Anyway, one of them shouted “We’re in the city of Buffalo!” really loud and got a consolatory pop from the crowd. But then he ruined it by saying….

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24 hours later, that's a compliment. I suppose that means the Bills are going to the Superbowl then.

This whole piece of audio-visual torture lead to Big Show being set up for a match against Triple H.

Remember last week when I questioned whether Kofi Kingston could still be called Kingston if he’s dropping the whole Jamaican bit?

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So. Many. Johnson. Jokes. But my head hurts too much so you can make up your own.

Yeah, well Kyle Busch must have been thinking the same thing because he announced Kofi as Kofi Johnson before swiftly correcting himself. Bless. Kofi was there to have a match with Jericho, which was to start right away. Considering this was just 24 hours after Bragging Rights, they did an awesome job. And to everyone’s surprise, Kofi Kingston won. But while he was BOOM!-BOOM!-BOOM!-ing his way up the ramp he was half way through his second BOOM when Randy Orton ran out and sent him flying over the edge.

Josh Matthews tried to extract from Randy why he attacked Kofi and was informed that Randy basically blames him for his loss in the Iron Man match at Bragging Rights. Yeah, had Kofi not chased Legacy out of the ring Randy would TOTALLY have won that match. Lame, Randy. Even for you. Ted and Cody showed up, chased Josh away and then ushered their illustrious leader towards a peace-offering in steel form.

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Yes, Teddy and the Codester smashed open their piggy banks and purchased Randy a racing car with his physical form emblazoned over the bonnet.  It answered that age-old question which plagues all our lives. “What does one buy for the megalomaniac who has everything?” Randy thought it was incredible. In fact, he seemed a little too enamored with his gift.

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Ahem. Moving on swiftly, there was another segment with the guest hosts but it was  UUUUURGH so I won’t go into it. And I should probably skip the mixed tag match, which involved Jillian and Chavo vs Melina and Santino. But Santino was rather amusing so it warrants a mention. I’m all for mixing comedy with the serious stuff, but I wonder how Melina feels now that she has nobody decent to defend her belt against. I have a feeling there will be another Diva draft soon to redress the balance. Anyway, no Chavo Guerrero match would be complete without Hornswoggle’s interference. But this time, things didn’t come up roses for the little man.

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This looks totally normal, right? I love wrestling.

DX served him with a legal document which compelled him to stop wearing the DX gear on TV. Awww, poor Horny. He just wanted to be one of the cool kids. I know how you feel, man. By the way, the DX line of green office stationery is available now from WWEShop.com for a very reasonable price.

So, Legacy came out next and proclaimed that they should be given a shot at the WWE Title. John wasn’t too sure, but he was willing to give “The Baby Oil Boys Club” a chance to earn a title shot by facing MVP and Mark Henry. If they win, they get to dance with John. Seems reasonable. I’d fight my way through Ballin’ and Bigger to dance with John Cena too. Guess who won….

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As expected, Randy Orton reneged on the agreement to end his feud with Cena for good and demanded a rematch. Nobody wanted to listen, least of all Kofi Kingston. Kofi had snapped. No longer was he that cheerful, smiley Jamaican we had all grown to love. He was now an angry, feisty West African (with an American accent) and he was taking no prisoners.

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I think I love you now.

He answered that other age-old question of “How does one truly hurt a megalomaniac the most?” You trash the NASCAR with their face painted on it. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? Genius. Because when someone trashes your car you aren’t allowed to go and stop them. You just have to stand idly by and watch as the paint job gets ruined and the windscreen is smashed in. You’re not even allowed to send your two bitches to put a stop to it. Nope! Not even that.

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I can't tell if that's orange paint or just Randy's tan.....shuttup. I'm sick, ok?

For the  wrestling novices (Because I know some of them are reading. They told me so.), is called a push. Kofi is getting his long-awaited push. And yes, Randy could go and stop Kofi Kingston from reducing his very special present to a mish-mash of steel and broken glass, but then we wouldn’t all fall in love with Kofi for being a total badass and becoming a champion for justice. You see?

Next, Evan Bourne and The Miz had a non-title match, which was going well until Jack Swagger came out to crack on to Eve, who was the guest ring announcer for the match. (?) The Miz got distracted by Swagger’s sexy-times propositions to Eve and lost the match.

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Kissy faces across the room don't work. I promise.

For some reason, Sheamus has been moved from ECW to Raw. It’s ok, nobody can figure it out. So, on the two main brands we now have representation from Ireland, Northern Ireland and Scotland. Which proud celtic nation isn’t represented yet?

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Sheamus had a match against Jamie Noble, in which he mushed him into the mat without too much effort.

There was only one thing left and that was Triple H’s revenge match against Big Show. Except, Trips forgot to mention that he’d invited some good friends to help him out. This was, in fact, a lumberjack match. If you turn on your own kind, there are consequences. Remember in The Sopranos when Adriana had been running intelligence to the feds so  she and Chris-to-phah could start new lives for themselves, but Tony found out? Then Silvio lured her into his car so he could drive her to the woods and make the problem go away? There was this excruciating moment she where realised what was going to happen and the people who should have been there to protect her all disappeared.

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The match was also no DQ and had John Cena as its guest referee. Big Show – dead and buried in the woods.

The match was just a mixture of everyone putting their finishers on Show, naturally ending in some Sweet Chin Music, followed briskly by a Pedigree. The Game says the Show’s over. Get it? Never mind. I said there was only one thing left to do, but actually we still needed to know who the number one contender was for John Cena’s title.

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Next week’s guest host is Ozzy Osbourne, accompanied by his fog-horn voiced wife, Sharon. I’m always happy to translate Brit speak into American when required. I often do it for Drew McInyre and I’m quite fluent in Transatlantican. You’re on your own next week, folks. Even Keith Richards makes more sense than Ozzy. And Keith Richards should technically be dead.

The end.

And if you actually made it to the end of this post without quitting, you have my heart forever. Thanks for indulging me.


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2 thoughts on “raw(lite): the game says the show’s over

  1. Haha, nice post. I couldn’t help myself laughing at the guest hosts either. I also think it’s funny that they put an Sheamus with an H, so that people outside of Ireland didn’t think that Seamus was pronounced “see-mus”. Oh us Irish people and our awkward names. Actually I’m Northern Irish, we use real names.

    • Those NASCAR kids were tragic, weren’t they? As for Sheamus, I suppose it’s just a branding thing. It’s a a global product and they want to be sure his name is pronounced properly everywhere. I imagine it’s quite annoying for you though. 🙂 Thanks for reading.

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