You know last week when I said I find Snoop Dogg irritating because I can’t understand a word he says? I was just messin’. Oh I still don’t know what he’s going on about half the time, but he is quite entertaining in a freakish cartoon character kind of way. I won’t lie, I sometimes dread recapping Raw. It’s not a chore exactly, but when they’re really gimmick heavy shows it’s difficult to pick through the guest host fluff and find the wrestling show. This week, however, was so perfectly balanced it almost could have been a Smackdown. Almost.
So it started as you might imagine. Like this…..
Snoop announced his matches for the evening and made his exit like a good guest host. He left DX in the ring to pontificate on their match at Bragging Rights match on Sunday. After doing some obligatory dizzle, pizzle, wizzle, whatever-izzle stuff, they began dissecting their opponents. I’ll try to summarise their analysis of Team Smackdown.
And if you missed it, Triple H made reference to the storyline which made me stop watching wrestling for several months, even though I never really kept away completely. Like a stupid crack junkie I found myself back in love with it fairly quickly. It’s a potent substance that professional wrestling stuff.
This was followed by the arrival of Team Raw. Just like any Team forced to work together (even though they wouldn’t be seen dead with each other outside of work) relationships were strained. Even wrestlers have to deal with office politics. Although, unlike my office, they argue about who can kick the most ass, not who deserves to have a new swivel chair before everyone else. The biggest revelation of this segment wasthat Kofi Kingston’s shedding of his Jamaican-ness was now complete. If it’s passed you by, Kofi’s been billed as from his actual place of birth in Ghana these past few weeks. On this week’s Raw he dropped the Jamaican lilt for his adopted Floridian accent and Triple H couldn’t help but point it out.
Anyway, Triple H suggested that a little extra commitment from Team Raw wouldn’t go amiss and placed all five of DX’s chosen footsoldiers in a match between a bunch of other losers who didn’t make it into the team. As it turned out, no roster places were lost so it was a pointless match. But there was still tension between the team and they continued to scrap amongst themselves. I’ve worked within a few dysfunctional teams in my time, but we never resorted to punching each other. Well….no, nevermind.
Over in the locker room, lovely Josh Matthews was interviewing Ted DiBiase on how his week had gone after he pinned his leader, Randy Orton, the previous week. What exactly was Randy’s reaction to being humiliated by his student?
But, oh dear, Randy was not cool with what went down. I’m shocked! Not really. As in any unhealthy relationship, Randy made it known to Teddy that if he didn’t re-stack the balance within Legacy, he’ll find himself sleeping in the spare room. No spooning for Teddy this week. Of course what this actually meant was that if Ted didn’t let Randy win he’d be getting his head kicked in. Ted was in a dilemma.
Does he stick up for himself, be a hero and progress his own career or be a total puss, be a loser and allow the cruel, Orton dictatorship to continue? At first it appeared that Ted was giving in to the bullying and going along with the plan. But just like any severely oppressed worker, he eventually blew his top and toppled the management.
Unfortunately, the uprising was short-lived and Ted fell foul of a this…..
It’s been a while since we checked in with our guest host. It went like this…..
Then it was suggested that Snoop took the show off the air for a few seconds so he could light up a spliff. Available on all good street corners and in back alleys, kiddies.
In the arena loading bay we found John Cena, who was looking pensive ahead of his match against Triple H. Well, this could be his last ever appearance on Raw. I mean, if he loses at Bragging Rights he might have to go to Smackdown. The best show in the company. What a bummer!
I know everyone gets down on the Raw main event scene, and the criticism is richly deserved. They do need to bring someone up from the midcard to mix things up a bit. Variety is the spice of life and all that nonsense. But Cena/HHH was very cool. Had it been a bit longer it could easily have been a PPV match. Actually, it was probably better than some of the awful PPV matches we’ve seen recently. After a lot of back and forth Triple H took it with a pedigree. As per last week, I still can’t decide how the Iron Man match will end, but I’d quite like to see DiBiase somehow help Cena to win, starting a feud between Orton and DiBiase. But if that happens, what will happen to poor little Cody Rhodes?
On last week’s Smackdown, The Miz and John Morrison had a wicked verbal encounter where they aimed to promote their second-in-command match at Bragging Rights. During that battle of words they argued over which of the two would end up being the Shawn Michaels of their former bromance and who would be the Marty Jannetty. This week it appeared that The Miz had a match against a 13-year old boy, but Miz’s Marty Jannetty hating had Snoop Dogg bobbin’ (?) so he put Miz in a match against Jannetty himself.
Actually, Jannetty didn’t do a bad job, but since his presence has no impact on the BR match, The Miz pinned him for the win. I’m glad Marty got some dinner.
In case you missed it (because it wasn’t properly announced) there will be a Divas match at the Pay Per View. Melina, KellyX2 and Gail Kim vs Michelle McCool, Natalya and Beth Phoenix will get it on in a YAY Girls vs BOO Girls match. No Mickie James? Wouldn’t it have been more interesting to mix the faces and the heels on each team so there can be some storyline progression after the brand vs brand matches are done? Oh, silly me. I forgot. Nobody cares about female feuds. DOH!
Melina and Jillian fought in a match so short you might have missed it if you went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Which I did. The most interesting thing about it was that Jillian’s outfit reminded me of the on-stage costume Britney Spears wore at the 2000 VMAs.
Then I felt ashamed that I was so au fait with Britney’s wardrobe. In my defence, she was the biggest pop star in the world at that time and quite a polished performer (if a horrible singer). Those were the days, eh? When she was a virginal, God-fearing, Southern Baptist?
I digress, but maybe not as far as you might expect. Melina won the match against Jillian. Chavo came out, as did Snoop, Hornswoggle, Eve, Kelly-Kelly, Gail Kim and The Bellas. The girls grinded it out to Snoop’s beats in sexy secretary clothes and Hornswoggle threw some surprisingly slick shapes. Michael Cole did not.
The last match of the night was supposed to be Jericho vs Michaels, but with just nine minutes left and Jericho in no hurry to get to the ring, something told me this match wasn’t going to happen. Jericho mouthed off at Michaels for a bit and was then joined by Cryme Tyme, who ran in from the crowd. Realising he was outnumbered Shawn made his was to the ramp but was met by the rest of Team Smackdown. You’d think Shawn might have seen this coming. Ah, but he did. The CAVALRY (not Calvary, Michael Cole) came to Shawn’s rescue.
Ok, so Team Raw are physically bigger and more experienced. But do they have customised team t-shirts? Nuh-uh. Clearly, Smackdown is superior on all fronts. Shad Gaspard customised his shirt by writing A.K.A The A-Team on it. Fabulous. JTG added YEAH! YEAH! stickers to his and Dolph Ziggler cut his up into a fine looking waistcoat. I love a bit of fashion continuity.
Both teams stood toe-to-toe and were more than ready to give the audience a PPV preview. But Vickie G. was displeased with this and ordered her Smackdown posse to leave the ring. Shame Vickie didn’t feel like customising her t-shirt. Looking at her there, she probably shouldn’t have worn it all. I don’t make a habit of comparing myself Vickie Guerrero but she, like me, needs tailoring. We need things that nip in at the waist to balance the hourglass. Big, baggy man t-shirts should be kept for the gym only. Unless resembling a sack of spuds is your preference.
Anyway, Team SD refused to leave and since Vickie’s authority means zip on Raw, they had a massive brawl. In theory, this was revealing too much of what we’re going to see on the PPV tonight, rendering it pointless. But everything changed on Smackdown. Stay tuned and I shizzle fizzle yo izzle. I don’t know either.