Let’s take a moment to consider Randy Orton.
He’s bronzed to the eyeballs, has thighs seemingly carved from granite and cheekbones to die for. He’s mean, moody, has megalomaniac tendencies and gives off an all encompassing stench of hatred. To quote Jerry Lawler, “Somehow, evil isn’t meant to look this good.” You got that right, Jez.
How soon we forget the young, cheeky boy who flirted with cougars and had a sense of humour. So it was the sense of humour of a dumbass frat boy, but at least he had one. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh. I can hardly shun him for having the SoH of an 18 year old boy if I share it. It’s tough being a class-a heel. One is expected to wallow in their world domination plans without even the tiniest flicker of a smile unless it relates directly to said world domination.
Last week this slice of YouTube goodness fell into my lap and I couldn’t help but share. Thanks to the young man who sent it to me. You are a scholar and a gent. As with Mickie, Punk and Jericho’s forays in to the glorious world of Grease karaoke, go and watch Randy pump that iron, then come back to me.
I seem to have developed Orton-Amnesia. I totally forgot he used to be a sleaze, taking two ladies of a certain age to the gym (along with awesome tough-girl Jacqui). I will admit that sometimes when I’m in the gym I use some pleasant wrestle-based visualisations to squeeze out those last few chest flies. But if I actually had Randy overseeing my activities and reminding me to “Really put the emphasis on that CHEST!!!!” I’d have to ask him to step out of my eyeline for a few. No, Randy. Your face pressing in to my ear is not a stress reliever. It just makes me hyperventilate.
Asking the ladies to grab a little higher on his thighs? Well, if you insist. Count his abs? Yeah, sure. Can’t do more than six reps because the ladies of St. Louis rely on his endurance levels? Ok, now you’re just sounding like The Miz but without the great comedy timing. But what probably seals the sleazy deal is when he asks his radio contest winner not just if she feels the burn, but wheeeere she feels the burn. Torturous! Randy, now you’re just playing twister with their oestrogen levels.
I have to say though, the DJ lady is obviously a regular gym-goer. Very impressive arms, Monica. Vicky, the contest winner, claims never to have stepped inside a gym before. Bullshit! Unless she does some other kind of bicep developing sport, she’s telling porkies. You don’t get a nice little bicep bump like that out of nowhere. I know. I try and usually fail.
You know, maybe badass Randy isn’t so bad after all. Sculpted and grumpy beats sleazy but cheery any day of the week.