smackdown(lite): bang-bang you’re dead

So as we know, there will be a brand vs brand, seven-on-seven tag match at Bragging Rights next week. Being the captain of Team Smackdown, Chris Jericho got the show started, and holy hell did he look suave this week? It seems a few days without Big Show cramping his style paid off.

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As team captain, Jericho  had the important task of assembling a crack commando unit to destroy DX’s Raw team.  So livid was Jericho in discussing DX, he ended up ripping their book to shreds right there in the ring. HEY! CHRIS JERICHO! That was MY copy of the new DX book. Now I won’t be able to read it!

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All this paper shredding was interrupted by Kane, who appointed himself co-captain. Jericho did not feel tempted to argue. Kane expressed his happiness at the new alliance by doing this.

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There are five space left to fill on Team SD, so Mike Knox, Finlay and Dolph Ziggler butted heads for the next available position. It seems that Dolph wasn’t just wearing the leopard print for Maria. He really likes it. Good for him. I like a man who isn’t afraid to make bold fashion choices. Even if they are hideous. Ziggler won the match  and took his place on Team Smackdown. Maybe he pulls in some kind of Samson-like strength from wearing all that snow leopard print. And if that’s where his strength comes from, he won’t mind if I take some shears to his peroxide locks. Excellent. I’ll be round as soon as I finish writing this, darl.

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The next match was Cryme Tyme vs The Hart Dynasty for two places on the team. Cryme Tyme won, which was a real shame. It could have been a great opportunity to give the boys in pink a push. Oh well. Cryme Tyme are further up the food chain at the moment, I suppose.

Back in the locker room, Chris Jericho was making sure that Michelle McCool understood the importance of Smackdown being the dominant brand. All she had to do was nod her head in agreement. She didn’t need to speak. She spoke. I was thinking, they should get Michelle to record those self-hypnosis CDs that help you drift off to sleep at night. Could be quite the money spinner.  I’ve never been so glad to see Mickie James.  And I’m ALWAYS glad to see Mickie James.

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Mickie was looking super-cute. Glitter-dress, pearls, sparkly hair clip. Delightful. And despite being pretty much half Michelle McCool’s height Mickie managed to frighten her away. You’ve got to keep your eye on us short people. Years of height inferiority complexes give us a feisty edge. Or maybe that’s just me.  Mickie wasn’t the only former Raw Diva to step up to Michelle. Big, mean Beth Phoenix got in her way too. And even she had a spangly dress on.

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Over in another part of the arena CM Punk was trying to persuade Mr. McMahon to call off the Fatal-4-Way match at Bragging Rights. Vince refused, claiming that he couldn’t stop a match once it had been advertised. Really? Never stopped you before. Anyway, Vince did agree to allow Punk and Undertaker to re-enact their Breaking Point submission match on next week’s Smackdown. Teddy had to be at ringside and Scott Armstrong would be the referee. Punk wholeheartedly approved. Uh-oh. Taker won’t liiiiike iiiit. Who wants to tell him?

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It occurred to me at this point on Friday night that, when polite, soft-spoken and smiling, CM Punk is an extremely persuasive man. If wrestling doesn’t work out for him he could totally get a job in telesales. With that smile he could sell me anything. Maybe even the idea of a Straight Edge lifestyle. Which would have been plausible had I not been pondering this while chugging down a Friday night bottle of Tiger. Just the one though. Honest. You can’t have a curry without a bottle of Tiger.

Over in the arena, Vickie Guerrero was back! I had no idea how much I missed her until I heard………

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She escorted her man to the ring, where he was joined by his opponent, Matt Hardy.  Matt Hardy looked like he had the measure of Escobar, but Vickie sat under the ropes, started squealing like a piglet caught in barbed wire and pointed fervently at her shoes.

Well don't come crying to me about it NOW! I warned you about the dangers of ankle straps months ago and you never listed.

Well don't come crying to me about it NOW! I warned you about the dangers of ankle straps months ago and you didn't listen

I really did.

All this fashion trauma distracted Hardy long enough for Escobar to take the match and grab a place on Team Smackdown. What? A dirty player AND worse hair than Ziggler? HATE HIM!

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My angst was chased away by one of the best segments I’ve seen on Raw or Smackdown in ages. The Miz and John Morrison are having a singles match for brand bragging rights at the PPV. But there is so much more at her stake than brand supremacy. As we know, Miz and Morrison used to be bros. They loved each other. Like brothers. When they were separated at the annual draft back in April they were crushed. The end of a beautiful bromance.

Of course, right after that picture was taken The Miz knocked Morrison to the ground and buried the brotherhood forever.  This is the first time in six months they’ve been brought back together and it was genius. The Dirt Sheet returned, but this time the only people they bagged out were each other. Nothing I can say will top what they came up with, so just watch. Favourite jibe? Tricky. But probably the one that went something like …..

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The final place on Team Smackdown was taken by Drew McIntyre, who defeated R-Truth. Hmm. Team Smackdown looks….young. But maybe that’s how they’ll tout it if SD win the seven-man tag. The future of the company blah-blah-blah.

Back in the male locker room Batista and Rey Mysterio were discussing the fact that they had to fight against each other that night. Rey was all for it, but Dave was feeling sad that they couldn’t work together. Stop being such a wuss, Dave. Suck it up! The most important thing to address about this conversation was……..

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First of all, who does the Louis Vuitton luggage belong to? That’s a VERY expensive suitcase. Do you know how many LV cases go missing in airports? I’m not gonna lie, if I worked in baggage handling I might have to make one disappear too. So maybe kleptomania is the coolest mania of all. Christmas is coming so if anyone would like to treat me to a bit of classic LV, I’ll happily accept.

Secondly, who on Smackdown would wear an old Legacy t-shirt? Ted and Cody don’t have any friends on Raw, let alone Smackdown. I shall have to contact my insider spies and find out who Legacy’s new SD bedfellows are. I’ll report back if I come across and juicy gossip.

The Undertaker can’t do in-ring promo two weeks in a row. Disco smoke and blue lighting for an entire arena are very pricey. And they already blew the weekly pyrotechnics budget on Kane’s temper explosion at the beginning of the show. So he did a bit of something in a store cupboard instead.

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Just one match left and it was Rey Mysterio vs Dave Batista. Todd Grisham announced Rey’s arrival with…..

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No, Todd Grisham, it’s Booyaka, Booyaka, 619! We’ve talked before about using inappropriate and incorrect urban lingo. Not that I would ever do that. Shizzle ma nizzle dizzle. Nope. Still don’t get it. I hope someone’s ordered me that translator for tomorrow’s Raw.

Anyway, the match got started and Dave wasn’t taking it seriously at all.

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Dave, it’s wrestling. Stop trying to apply logic to it and just fight for goodness sake. Being the scrappy little terrier he is, Rey Mysterio kept biting at Batista’s ankles until he actually started fighting back. Then Dave felt guilty.

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This back and forth between love and fake hate went on for some time until Dave tried to end it with a Batista Bomb. But Rey swung himself between Dave’s legs on the drop-down, flipped things around and pinned Dave for the win. What was I telling you about short people? Scrappy. Of course, they’re like family, so Dave & Rey hugged it out and everything was peachy again. But that wasn’t the end of it. Just as Rey was celebrating in the ring and Dave was making his way to the showers, that scoundrel CM Punk showed up. He stuck the GTS on Rey, did some amazing finger guns, pirouetted  his way over the security barrier and disappeared into the crowd.

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It’s ok, kids. I was just joking. Punk didn’t really shoot Rey Mysterio dead. Look, his Daddy made everything better.

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Awwww. Sweet.

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