raw(lite): lady bosses

This week’s Raw started with Chris Jericho; feisty, shirtless and announcing that at Bragging Rights there would be a special tag-match where seven of the Smackdown roster would go against seven of the Raw roster in the tag match to end all tag matches. Obviously, we don’t need Chris Jericho to tell us that Smackdown is the superior brand, that’s a given. But he informed us that he was Team SD’s captain and he planned on assembling a team more than capable of crushing Raw. Sounds good to me but guest host Nancy O’Dell cut him off. Only Chris Jericho could be touched by a pretty lady and look at the spot where she touched him like she just gave him herpes.

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According to Nancy this was DX’s spot, so Triple H made glo-sticked his way to the ring. But where was Shawn Michaels? Like so many things in life, DX really needs two pairs of hands for maximum impact. Hunter grabbed his flip-fone, called HBK at home, stuck it on speaker and let everyone listen to Shawn’s voicemail message. I’d love to know how many people have downloaded the audio of Shawn singing his own theme tune and now have it as their very own message. A few years ago I was one of those lame people who had this as my voicemail message. My late grandfather kept hanging up before leaving his message because he thought he calling someone called George. Bless him!

Anyway, turns out Shawn’s daughter was very sickly and he had to stay at home to look after her. Awww. Good dad. They used the segment to plug the new DX book, Triple H hung up and then they moved on the wrestle business in hand. But before Trips could start discussing the PPV, Big Show and Jericho had something to say. The ‘my show is better than your show so nuh-nuh-na-nuh-nuh’ got under way. Oh and before I forget to mention it, DX are the captains for Team Raw. Jericho hurled some abuse, Hunter called Jericho a troll, Jericho did this…..

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… then said he wanted Show on his team even though he was on the Raw roster.  Triple H used this opportunity to cause friction between JeriShow. Uh-oh.  The love boat had hit some rough waters and Triple H had no intention of throwing them an inflatable raft.

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In the most dramatic of lovers’ tiffs, Show stomped across the ring to Hunter’s side and proclaimed that he was joining team Raw. Poor Jericho. It was very ‘it’s just you and your hand tonight!’ Sadly for Show, his threat backfired and not only did Triple H force him to win a qualifying match for a place on Team Raw, but he also made his opponent…..Chris Jericho! Show won the match by count-out, but could this be curtains for everyone’s favourite mismatched tag-team? We’ll have to keep watching to find out.

Backstage, Maria Menounos was special correspondent for the night and was flanked by Ted and Cody. A little part of me wanted to hate her. But I couldn’t. She was actually very good.  I suppose when you’re used to sticking a mic in the faces of Hollywood A-Listers, a couple of sweaty wrestlers with war wounds and dubious clothing choices aren’t going to bother you.

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Really Ted? The face again? You must learn to protect your best asset.

Both members of Legacy were looking forward to being picked for Team Raw. But Maria had news from the captain. Ted, Cody and a third opponent would have to battle it out for just one place on the team. And that third opponent?

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Ha. Anyone would think DX were trying to break-up all the other Raw tag-teams! ………….Oh. I see.

I’ve already ranted about the women’s division this week, so I won’t bore you with all that again. Or at least, I’ll try. Next up, Mickie James put the Diva’s belt up for grabs in a match against Jillian. Easy win for the Mickster, yah? Nah. Jillian won. Not just the match. The title too. The audience were motionless. I don’t often shame my mother on this blog, but sometimes only swear words seem to get the message across. To quote Amy Winehouse……

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And before anyone cares to mention it, yes, I know I shame my mother with this blog every week.

Nancy O’Dell arrived at the top of the ramp to quash Jillian’s singing and informed her that a behind-the-scenes Diva trade had been secretly worked out. Jillian stayed on Raw but would have to defend the title immediately against Raw’s newest Diva.

Fuckery resolved.

Fuckery resolved.

Over in the DX Army barracks, Triple H accused Hornswoggle of gimmick infringement.

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I can’t tell you much more. The camera bounced around like the cameraman was on acid. I felt so sea-sick I thought I was on JeriShow’s sinking love boat.

Thankfully, my queasy stomach was settled by the obligatory Santino Marella/guest host segment. It’s the only constant on Raw these days and somewhat comforting. He chit-chatted away with Nancy and Maria, did a mini-audition for Access Hollywood, but was then pushed aside by a furious Beth Phoenix.  Beth was all angry-like about being traded to Smackdown and effectively suggested that she would snap Maria like a twig.

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Santino got involved and managed to create a match between Maria, Beth and likely some of the other Divas. Maria wasn’t happy, but we saw you in training on YouTube, Maria, so don’t give me that surprised look. Oh yeah, and Santino informed Beth that when they were a couple he faked every ‘organism’. To be fair to the guy, if she wasn’t making his buzzer go, faking might have been the only way he could make it out of bed alive.

It was time for John Cena and Legacy to fight each other for the next prestigious place on Team Raw. Obviously, John Cena isn’t going to win this. He’s spending potentially the toughest hour of his career against Randy Orton at the PPV. So which of Orton’s minions would be on the team? Well, John had Ted just about ready to submit when Randy ran in to save him. This distracted John leaving Cody to step in and pin Ted for the win. Ted wasn’t too happy and Randy, of all people, had to play peacekeeper. But Mr. Orton soon had other things to worry about. Nancy O’Dell’s face appeared on the titantron and she ordered that he and John team up against Ted and Codes later that night. What? And the purpose of this is? Can’t I just sit on my Sky+remote and make it go back ten minutes so I can watch that last match again?

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Pffft

Jack Swagger beat MVP for the next team spot. Then Kofi Kingston beat Evan Bourne. Damn. I wanted Evan to get a bit of a push. Anyway, both were fairly uneventful so I’ll skip ahead.

Back in the barracks Triple H and a cardboard Shawn were helping Maria Menounos train for her match with the Divas.  Chavo showed up. Maria kicked him in the gonads. You’ve got to watch those girls from the Med. Lots of fire in their bellies. She was accompanied by Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly in the match against Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox and Eva Mendes. As is customary, Maria’s team won with a little help from Kelly.  It was all very silly, but good silly. Know what I mean?  Nice to see Gail Kim back after her chest implosion too.

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Weird that they made a big fuss about Beth going to Smackdown but there was no mention of Mickie’s departure at all. Is that why people think she’s being punished for allegedly being marginally heavier than she was five years ago? REALLY? If Mickie James is fat I think I might kill myself. In the gym, of course.

Anyway, The Miz is gently strutting his way into my heart as the best dressed man in the company. I am seriously down with his personal style. This week was no exception.

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He came out to announce that, since there’s only so many places on Team Raw, he and John Morrison would be having their own Battle of the Brands at Bragging Rights. COOOOL! He said that John Morrison was just a hair-do with abs, which made him no better than Richard Simmons. Errrr, apart from the fact that they both have slightly spooky smiles, that’s where the likeness ends, Miz. Richard Simmons. *shudder*.

The Legacy vs Orton and Cena match was a livelier version of the previous one, with Orton’s plan to stay out of the ring failing miserably. Cody had suggested earlier that Ted only really wanted the match so he could redeem himself for not making it into the PPV team.  He was right. Ted, quick like a cat and sly like a fox, pinned Randy and took the win for the Legacy boys.

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It was super cool. And made even better when John stuck the attitude adjustment on Randy for good measure. I’m still undecided as to how I think the Iron Match will end. Yes, John Cena could do with a change of scenery and his return to where he started would leave a space for one of the midcarders to step up on Raw. But I’d also like to see Randy Orton really broken down. Like Edge was after Wrestlemania. We’ve never really seen Orton lose his mojo and with his Legacy whipping boys starting to shun his leadership, it could be an opportunity for Orton to delve in to a bit of dramatic melancholy……oooooh I went all serious there. I can’t end like that.

Next week’s guest host is Snoop Dogg, who I find mildly irritating. Mainly because I can’t understand a word he says. If someone could arrange for a translator to be at my side when I watch next week’s Raw, that would be lovely.  Snoop decided to muscle in on the ladies’ show and make a match for next week…. John Cena’s (potentially) final match on Raw will be against Triple H.

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Yeah me too, John. *SOB*

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3 thoughts on “raw(lite): lady bosses

  1. Pingback: Twitter Trackbacks for raw(lite): lady bosses « WRESTLEGASM.COM [wrestlegasm.com] on Topsy.com

    • Oh I think that pun was very much intended. 🙂 I had to play that part on super-duper slow motion to get the screen cap. It was very quick.

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