smackdown(lite): pork ribs and broken hearts

At last week’s Smackdown, we were still reeling from the tumultuous events of the Hell in a Cell PPV. ha. Teddy Long was brimming with excitement, but that excitement was soon stomped out by CM Punk, who was most unhappy about losing the title belt. Teddy had been discussing the possibility that John Cena might join Smackdown if he loses to Randy Orton at Bragging Rights. Punk had no plans to make John Cena welcome.

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He's right. But maybe John needs Smackdown.

Punk demanded a rematch against he Undertaker and just as Teddy was about to respond, Mr. McMahon showed up to stick his oar in. Vince McMahon’s ring walk becomes more and more like  rubber-limbed cartoon character every week, but that’s not important. What is important is that Vince overrode Teddy’s plans and made the title defence a fatal fourway between Taker, Punk, Batista and Rey Mysterio at Bragging Rights.

Vince refused to take any questions and ordered that the show gets started for real, bringing Rey Mysterio out to fight Chris Jericho straight away. Punk walked away miffed and the crowd finally seemed to forgive Mysterio for his Wellness Policy violation. If you’re new to all this wrestling stuff, it bodes well for you if you have a mild form of medical amnesia. Memory loss is essential if you want to be a wrestling an.

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It’s been a little while since Mysterio and Jericho had a match and Jim Ross was beside himself. I’m pretty sure someone injected his arm with some form of liquid ecstasy before the match started and he dragged excitable Todd Grisham along with him. It was crammed full of genius commentary and memorable quotes, my favourite being……

Inspired.

Inspired.

Nice to hear someone really enjoying their work!

Seriously, I haven’t heard JR that hyped since the last time he got to call an Austin match. STONE COOOLD! STONE COOOLD! The Texas Rattlesnake!!!! …..and the like. Despite what the commentary might have suggested, it wasn’t actually the best match Jericho and Mysterio have had, but when do those two ever really have a bad match together? Mysterio won. He needed that.

As wonderful as JR’s commentary was during the first match of the night, I need to have a little word in his ear. He needs to stop telling us about Michelle McCool’s Masters degree. Very well done for completing grad school, McCool, but honestly I’m sick of hearing about your education. He keeps mentioning it like it’s a revelation that a female wrestler might have letters after her name. Enough. I’ll personally deliver a large tray of BBQ’d pork ribs to your house if promise not to mention it again.

I know, darl. But I don't need to be reminded of it EVERY week.

I know, darl. But I don't need to be reminded of it EVERY week.

I really like Eve. She’s pretty tough and with some more experience could go far. But, of course, she lost the match.

Now, a couple of weeks ago Vickie Guerrero informed Teddy Long that she would be back at work managing her new younger boyfriend, Eric Escobar. She lived up to that promise and we found her lolling about with her boyf in Teddy’s office.

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Big chests look out of proportion in closed-necked tops, Vicks. We’ve talked about this before, I’m sure of it. I’ll send Gok Wan around for a chat.

John Morrison left Hell in a Cell with the Intercontinental belt still around his waist, but Dolph Ziggler wasn’t ready to give up yet, so they fought it out again.  John Morrison, buoyed by still being the champ, was killing Ziggler. So Maria came out to shout, scream and cheer for her man at ringside. What a lovely girlfriend. For reasons which later became apparent, the referee ordered that Maria could only stay if she sat on a chair and didn’t interfere with the fight.

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The action rolled out of the ring and Maria moved to keep from getting bumped. Dolph grabbed her chair and rested it against the ring apron. *wink-wink* But Maria, bless her, didn’t quite understand and grabbed the chair away to rest her bottom again. Dolph found himself in a pickle and grabbed for the chair, but Maria’s posterior was firmly parked on it. John Morrison capitalised on Dolph’s lack of accessories and pinned him for the match. Oh dear. Something tells me this isn’t going to end well for Maz.

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Backstage, things got even worse. Maria tried to get her man to talk to her, but she probably wished she hadn’t bothered. Dolph dumped her on the spot and walked out of her life.

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Go and see Melina. If she’s the friend I think she is, she won’t say ‘I told you so’. And she’ll supply you with quality ice cream until you feel you’re getting too fat to eat any more.  I wonder if Dolph will keep wearing the leopard print now that he’s ditched Maria. We’ve all been there, right? Your other half says they like the idea of you in animal print so you…… I’ve said too much!

Next, Kane and Drew McIntyre (weird) fought Matt Hardy and R-Truth. It was fairly uneventful but nice to see they’re finally getting Drew McIntyre into the swing of actually wrestling on Smackdown. Matt Hardy was pinned by Drew, who carried on his very angry Scot routine. I enjoyed it greatly.

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Next, Undertaker actually did  a promo. Not a previously record piece to camera. An in-ring, dark soliloquy. The ring was swathed in disco smoke and a fake moon was projected on the wall.

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With all this ‘wayward souls’ business it was difficult to figure out exactly what Taker hopes to achieve at Bragging Rights. But I think the summary goes something like this…….

Taker’s PPV To-Do-List

  1. Take Punk’s soul
  2. Show Mysterio no mercy
  3. Humiliate Batista
  4. Keep McCool away from Ziggler!!!!!!!

The promotion for the Fatal Fourway at the PPV continued as CM Punk and Batista came out for a match. Pretty solid but I’d be concerned if it was just Punk and Batista going it alone at the PPV. Still, an entertaining ending to the show. Taking a day off work for Bragging Rights is starting to feel like a very good idea.

The landscape for the Divas changed fairly dramatically on this week’s Raw, so the Smackdown ladies will look rather different this week. More on that over the weekend.

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