raw(lite): just drank some acid

Americans seem to have strong feelings towards the Pittsburgh Steelers. They are one of those Marmite teams. Personally, I don’t mind them. Apart from their stupid towel swirling.  The New England Patriots, however, can rot in hell. I was quite pleased when the Steelers won the Superbowl last  year. You see, when the Cardinals made it to the play-offs  they were 33/1 to win the whole thing. A long shot but I wanted to stick £20 on them for the hell of it. However, I was talked out of this bet and was advised that the Cardinals would never even get there, let alone win. When they made it to the Superbowl I was furious. An each way bet would have netted me a few hundred quid. But a total explosion of gambling anger was calmed down by a Steelers win. Had the Cardinals won I would have been SICK! So you see, children, there are serious life lessons to be learnt from gambling……always go with your gut instinct and don’t take advice from others. Be mercenary!

All I wanna do is Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang and KERCHING and take yo monaaay

All I wanna do is Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang 'KERCHING' and take yo monaaay

Anyway, QB Ben Roethlisberger was guest hosting this week’s Raw and was booed on entry to the arena. Well, what do you expect? That’s practically McNabb’s back garden! Anticipating the frosty reception Ben had already set his first match up to pacify the crowd. It was the first annual Diva Bowl, where all the face girls and all the heel girls from across all three brands went up against each other in a girl brawl.  ‘First annual’ suggests there will be another one. Good grief! Oh and they were all dressed in custom American football jerseys. It was gimmickry at its most blatant.


Gail Kim was the guest ref…because she’s not allowed to wrestle again until her popped boob recovers. Yep, another one with silicone leakage. It’s rife, I tells ya. The idea was to have a multi-woman tag match. Unfortunately, the heel girls refused to play by Gail’s rules and it turned into complete chaos. But basically Mickie James held court and kicked everyone’s rump.


Just as Mickie and her pals were celebrating the win of good over evil, Randy Orton showed up to spoil the party. I got a bit excited at the prospect of him having some kind of interaction with Mickie James. But Randy walks so slowly it gave the girls time to run away. Randy got in the ring, peacocked about a bit and called John Cena out. They had some lengthy verbal and John suggested that their rematch should be an Iron Man match.


60 minutes of scrapping  and whomever has the most ‘decisions’ at the end is declared the winner. But Randy is no himbo. He figured John was up to something shady and decided that, as he had all the power, he would only agree to this on his own terms. If John won, he would take the title. If Randy won, John had to leave Raw, scoop all his belongings up in a red spotted handkerchief on a stick and head to Smackdown or ECW or wherever else they’ll have him. Tough decision. John’s tenure at Raw would be put in jeopardy. But….

They're shaking hands, but the jaw clenching suggest ungentlemanly thoughts.

They're shaking hands, but the jaw clenching suggest ungentlemanly thoughts.

Bragging Rights just got interesting. I’m going to take a day off work for it. Game on!

After all this chit-chat we needed another match, so we moved on to Jack Swagger vs Primo.  Swagger claimed that he smells like a winner. I wonder what winners smell like. I’m kind of a loser and I smell like Agent Provocateur perfume and Greggs pasties. Judging by Swagger’s look I’m going to suggest that winners smell like hair wax, sweat, new-out-of-the-packet spandex and tiger balm.

Of course, darling.

Of course, darling.

The All-American and the Mostly-Puerto-Rican had a pretty good but brief match.  Swagger took it without too much trouble.

Backstage the ladies were still bitchin’ at each other about who knows what. It just sounded like a collective cackle to me. Someone needed to break this up, so who better than Santino in full football referee clobber and with a self-made echo. Sounds awful, but it was actually pretty funny.


Santino suggested that Mickie and Alicia should kiss and make-up. Slowly. In front of him. But all he got was a slap round the chops and a more ferocious fight.  He ran away frightened.

The Miz had a few words with guest host Roethlisberger and abused him until he gave him a shot at the US Championship against Kofi that night. The boss agreed, but stated that should Miz lose he’d have to announce to the world the HE. IS. AWFUL. Whatever.

From there we went to Chavo and Chris Masters vs MVP and Mark Henry. MVP and the WSM finished it fairly rapidly and left Chavo to regain the use of his legs in the ring. It all seemed to be over but Chris Masters was unhappy with Chavo’s performance and kicked him back to the ground.  To everyone’s surprise, Hornswoggle turned up to help Chavo out. Then he did the DX chop in a short-armed manner. I don’t get it. They hate each other and yet they keep helping each other?

Exactly, Chavo. Exactly.

Exactly, Chavo. Exactly.

Ben Roethlisberger made his way back to the ring but as he began addressing the crowd he was rudely interrupted by Big Show and Jericho.


The general conversation suggested that the Steelers offensive line were pansies and that they were nothing compared to the might and power of JeriShow. Cue the Steelers offensive line. Jericho was chomping at the bit to get on the mic and proceed to use the following words…..


The Steelers had a huddle and prepared to charge at the tag champs. Said tag champs lost their bottle and threw themselves under the ropes. If this segment was to go anywhere it needed a little storyline progression, so DX showed up to give the microphone shy football players some verbal support. JeriShow scampered up the ramp and DX pressed the flesh with everyone in the ring. Jericho accidentally plugged DX’s new book and Trips complimented Jericho on his hair-do….


The compliment was then retracted and turned into a joke at Jericho’s expense.  Shuddup, Triple H. YOUR hair is ridiculous. So there. JeriShow were about to storm off in a huff but Big Ben had other ideas and made a match for the four squabblers for that night.


Kofi Kingston, still beaming from his PPV win, bounded in]lto the ring for his match against The Miz. A quick match followed by widespread humiliation of The Miz was expected. My expectations were incorrect. Not only did they pull off a pretty cool match, but The Miz actually won. Shocker! Now, I know his character’s pretty dickish, but I kind of wanted to see what a heel would do with the title, so I’m pretty chuffed at this development.


Judging by the shape of his rubbery mouth, I think he's saying awesome.

The last match of the night was the JeriShow vs DX match, which was actually pretty brilliant. Seriously. I have nothing to complain about. Nothing to make fun of. In fact, this whole Raw was actually very good. Thankfully (for the purpose of sarcastic writing), two girls from Access Hollywood are hosting next week, so that should give me some comedic fodder.

I may be doing them an injustice. They may be huge wrestling fans with expert historical knowledge on each title belt, which would be more than I’ve got. We’ll see. To me, Nancy O’Dell is that girl with really yellow hair who did the charity stuff at Summerslam. And Maria Menounos is the girl I always confuse with Vanessa Minnillo, who I only really know anyway because she was Derek Jeter’s girlfriend for three years. Not that I pay attention to celebrity gossip or anything. I mean, I weened myself off the E! Channel AGES ago. And I very rarely visit the E! website. Ok just once a week to see who wore what at the latest movie premieres. Ok, maybe just once a day to check on…… Ummm. Nevermind. This is a wrestling blog so I’ll leave you with this……


Damn. Most of the people in that picture aren’t even wrestlers! Soz!