smackdown(lite): beyond a wrestlegasm

Bostonnnnnnn!  Teeeeeeaaaa! Partyyyyyyyy! Ok, not the middle one. Yes, folks, ten years of down being smacked. Or is it smack being downed? Either way, it was time for a celebration. This week, the matches were purely incidental. The real action came in the form of a backstage party which we lucky viewers were allowed to spy on. It was amazing. I’ll assume my invitation got lost in the post, like CM Punk’s. Otherwise I would totally have been there in my party frock. First point of note was that Smackdown now has a new theme tune and new opening credits. WAY better than previous offering. Birthdays are a good time for change, me thinks.

The first match of the night was Batista vs Kane. See? I told you the matches were incidental. It was kind of nice to see Kane wrestling properly again. Dave won the match, but still, good to see Kane getting a chance to forget he’s been set aside for silly feuds with the Great Khali for a night. One thing though, has Batista always had this much excess cranium skin?

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It was time for our first visit to the backstage party going on….errrr…..backstage. There was so much goodness I didn’t know where to look first. What struck me was how odd it is to see the male roster member in actual clothes. It feels alien not to see them roaming around in their undies. And yet, still enjoyable. Revelation!

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Of course, the real story of the party was Michael Cole. Yes, you read right. Michael Cole. You know how it is when you have a work party. There’s always one colleague who forgets to pace themselves at the bar. And with Finlay insisting that everyone do whiskey shots, Cole was in trouble from the start.

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Oh, and he was quite partial to the shrimp platter the catering people had put out. Remember that. It’ll be important later. As expected, everyone’s favourite prude, CM Punk, cared not for polluting his blood with cocktails and tried to enforce prohibition rules.

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Oh Punk, don’t you realise that prohibition only forces alcohol production underground? Ultimately this is more dangerous as without public health measures and regulations in place, the uncontrolled product leads to even greater alcoholic consumption.

via 3click.tv

So what else went down? Well, Vickie Guerrero is back! YAY! I missed her. No, really. She had a new trendy haircut, a new younger boyfriend and her job back. Ok, not quite. She won’t be back managing the whole show, just her boyf. I can hardly wait.

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Lookin' good, Vicks.

Michael Cole ate more shrimp and downed a few more Irish whiskey shots as we scooted over to MVP’s V.I.P area. Yes, even at the office party MVP still has to have his own velvet-roped special place. Zack Ryder was desperate to be one of the cool people but was only allowed to come in if there was room. Unfortunately, the last place in the lounge was taken up by The Iron Sheikh. Bad times. He knows it.

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You know what? We’re having too much fun at this party. It’s time we took a few quiet moments of reflection to remember Eddie Guerrero. One of the lynch pins of Smackdown’s younger days. We know WWE has its faults, but when they do a tribute, they do it up right. Go reflect for a couple of minutes and come back with a tear in your eye.

And if you made it through without even a tiny wobble, your skin is way tougher than mine. Grown men crying. My weakness.

Alright, let’s pull ourselves together and have another match. John Morrison and Kofi Kingston vs Dolph Ziggler and The Miz. This match did have some PPV significance, what with all four in action at HiaC.  Jack Swagger was on commentary, but had a hissy fit and threw his headset to the ground the second Kofi Kingston appeared. Probably for the best. Todd Grisham invited him to speak and he went blank.

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So the match got under way……..

Good point, John Morrison.

Good point, John Morrison.

…… and turned out pretty nicely. Mixing the brands up from time to time always makes for fresh matches. Dolph Ziggler pinned John Morrison to take the match for the bad boys. But will he repeat the victory at Hell in a Cell? We’ll just have to key in our PPV pin numbers and see what happens. Or download it tomorrow for free. Whatever.

Just like any good party where everyone’s gone beyond tipsy and is heading straight towards sozzled, the karaoke machine was red hot, political discussions had become a little too heated and someone needed medical attention. Michael Cole had reached the point of no return, he was so full of booze and cocktail shrimp he was fit to burst.

partyquad

With CM Punk out of the way, everyone was having a great time. Until JeriShow showed up to sour the air. But Jericho’s miserable words weren’t the only sourness in the vacinity. Michael Cole’s stomach had hit the reject button and proceeded to empty itself all over Chris Jericho’s shoes. And this wasn’t any old puke. This was shellfish puke.

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It was both amazing and stomach-curdling at the same time. Todd Grisham suggested that someone call Michael Cole a cab. In that state, someone’s gonna have to pay the cab driver a shitload of cash to even agree to let Cole in the back seat. Thankfully, all that unpleasantness was followed by a special birthday message from The Rock.

Now, I should explain that The Rock took my virginity. No, not THAT kind of virginity. If he had wanted that accolade too I would have gladly given it. THAT honour went to another. But The Rock did pop my wrestling cherry. I may have started watching wrestling because of Shawn Michaels, but I stayed for The Rock. There are wrestlegasm moments, and there are moments which go way beyond that. This went so far beyond my heart started beating harder in my chest. You think I’m kidding. I’m not.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

That is all. Let’s move on. Ahem.

Next we had a Divas lumberjack match. Lumberjacks. In party frocks. The wrestling fan in me thought it was ludicrous. The fashionista in me thought it was very cool. The Smackdown ladies aren’t getting a PPV match this time around so Melina and Michelle McCool had a match there and then. Initially the lumberjanes (thanks, Grisham) had no effect. But Jillian grabbed at Melina’s ankle and triggered a free for all. It was CHAOS! But away from the madness, Beth Phoenix was keeping an evil eye on the in-ring action.  Melina was about to leap from the top rope when Beth knocked her down, leaving McCool to take the match with the Faith Breaker.

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The Undertaker did a bit to camera about how he was going to win at Hell in a Cell, but it was kind of boring. I wonder what’s happening at the party. The dancefloor was packed with people getting their groove on when Drew McIntyre showed up and took the karaoke mic. We know Mr. Mc. isn’t too fond of a shindig and everyone expected him to spoil the festivities. Surprisingly, he just wanted to big himself up, have a drink and join the party. R-Truth had other ideas. You know when a party’s reached its natural end when a gatecrasher shows up and starts a fight in the middle of the refreshments table. Glasses were broken, chairs went over and the cake was ruined. It’s time everyone went home.

Sensible advice from Mike Knox.

Sensible advice from Mike Knox.

Those left decided to have a match to round the night off. John Cena, The Undertaker and DX faced Randy Orton, CM Punk and Legacy. It was the first time Michaels and Taker had been in each other’s company since Wrestlemania, so having to be team mates was a bit of wrench. But hey, this is wrestling. If Jeff Hardy can forgive his brother for burning his house down, Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker can share the same turnbuckle for 20 minutes. It was a clever idea, managing to showcase three PPV matches in one. After they all had a go, The Undertaker Tombstoned Randy Orton for a Team Face win.

A few intense stares, a shower of ticker tape, some soft blue lighting and a belt cuddle later, it was all over. WOW! What a night!

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Did you really expect me to get through a whole Smackdown without a proper Punk picture? Silly people.

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5 thoughts on “smackdown(lite): beyond a wrestlegasm

    • My team is doing well but I’ve been a very sloppy commish. I’ve been so busy at work I’ve kind of neglected my league. I will make it up to them with an email update on how everyone’s doing. Hopefully I’ll win them bacjk with some humour. How is yours going?

  1. I am going to go 3-1 after tonight (I ended up with a substandard team on draft day, but like I always do, I put myself into contention with my waiver wire skills).

  2. Oh, and I didn’t know that Mike Knox’s real name was Michael Skinner. You learn something new everyday at wrestlegasm.

    • Congratulations. I sometimes throw little pop culture references in there and wonder if anyone will spot them. You get a gold star for that one. “We cannot have that behaviour in this establishment!” 🙂

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