raw(lite): super cena scales the cell

This week it was party-time at WWE. Not to be outdone by Smackdown and its tenth birthday celebrations, Raw kicked off in MVP’s V.I.P Lounge. This week’s special guest was Mark Henry.  Now, I don’t claim to be a wine expert. To be truthful, given the choice between a trip round the Guinness factory and a vineyard, I’d be Dublin bound. But I do know that red wine isn’t supposed to be chilled and that if you’re going to go to the trouble of placing a huge champagne bucket in the ring, you could at least stick some ice and CHAMPAGNE in it!

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And by the way, maybe it’s just my perverted roving eye, but MVP’s new sleeveless jumpsuits are getting tighter by the week, right?

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MVP was about to announce the arrival of this week’s guest host, Reverend Al Sharpton, when Chris Jericho and Big Show rudely interrupted. They argued over who could shower the reverend with the most accolades before racing to introduce him. The man himself made his way to the ring and all five men discussed the rigorous challenge of implementing educational reform in America. And who says wrestling is a bunch of ditzy cheerleaders and grunting meat-heads pretending to hurt each other.

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MVP requested a tag-match against JeriShow that right away, Jericho made a case against the suggestion, Rev. Al sided with MVP and Mark Henry. So that match happened. It was good. But long.

Rev. Al had turned the host’s office into a mock classroom. What does every teacher need on their desk?

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And the chalk board had been covered with interesting educational facts. Unfortunately, what started as a gentle chat with Primo descended into chaos as Hornswoggle yelled like a maniac while Chavo chased him around the desk. Things fell deeper in to despair as Santino showed up. He mentioned purchasing insurance, confused Al Sharpton with Don King and managed to swipe a tag-match for himself and Hornswoggle and Chris Masters that night. Yes, Chris Masters was there too. I don’t know why. He grunted and clenched his pectorals. That was about it.

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Time for a Divas match and with Alicia and Mickie actually getting a PPV spot on Sunday, they were kept apart by placing Rosa Mendes between them. This is a women’s match so it’s impossible for our commentary team to discuss the actual match. Actually, I think I’ll forgive them on this occasion. Plenty of people are pissed about Alicia Fox getting a PPV title match. But she has come on leaps and bounds recently, and how else does anyone get a chance to climb the ladder if they don’t get to share the ring with a star? That’s Alicia. Rosa Mendes, however, needs more time to percolate before she’s fully brewed. And her hair extensions are a different colour to her real hair.

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Michael Cole had apparently had a long conversation with Rosa earlier in the day about why she’s so ferocious. According to Rosa it all stems from when she was picked on by boys when she was in school. She threw rocks at their faces and had to spend a semester eating lunch with the principal. Errrrrm, yeah. I’m not sure you were supposed to tell everyone about that, Michael Cole. Seems like info which should have been passed on to the company psych counsellor.  Anyway, Mickie carried the whole match, which was unsurprisingly short. I’ll look forward to something better at Hell in a Cell. Their match won’t be in a cell. I hope it will at least be hellish. In a good way.

Time for a smidgen of PPV promo. Rhodes and DiBiase made their way out and reminded us of the damage they’d done to DX in recent weeks, including a win over the ageing duo at Breaking Point. My blog stats was have been awash with references to Cody Rhodes this week and I’ve been trying to figure out why.  People teenage girls are OBSESSED. I suppose it’s because he’s got a cute(ish) face and his slight frame is less threatening than the men with real muscles. I need to find out who Cody’s girlfriend is. Not for myself, you understand. I couldn’t care less who happens to be stroking Mr. Rhodes’ ego. But the thousands of Cody blog crawlers need details.

It’s been a couple of weeks since we last had a proper DX comedy segment, so they invaded one of the hospitality suites and abused them from on high. They made comic book jokes. I didn’t understand. Trips and Michaels decided they didn’t feel like waiting for Sunday and made their way down to kick some arse. The Legacy boys, as usual, were all mouth and no trousers and scuttled away as soon as DX hit the ramp.

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Next, Jack Swagger beat Evan Bourne and continued to hang the US Championship belt over his shoulder.

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Then The Miz came out to take the belt away.

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Then Kofi Kingston came out and claimed it back.

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I was rather impressed with The Miz’s attire this week. Quite stylish. But I have to ask, why wear braces if you have no intention of using them to hold your trousers up? Just curious.

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From there we went to the Santino/Hornswoggle vs Chavo/Chris Masters. It’s funny, CM Punk (who happens not to be the most muscle-bound guy in the company) comes out the white trunks and I have a conniption. Chris Masters (muscles-a-go-go) comes out in white trunks……. zip, nothing, nada, niente. Just goes to show, sexy is a vibe, not a look.

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Do you even care who won? Nah. Didn’t think so.

Being a guest host on Raw has requirements.  You must have an encounter with Santino Marella and you must suffer the vocal chords and the immense bosoms of Jillian Hall.

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Rev. Al was also lured in to singing and dancing by the Bella Twins. And so there ends Rev. Al Sharpton’s residency as guest host. Don’t speak too loudly, but I think we made it through without cringing!

But that wasn’t the end of the show. John Cena still had a gauntlet to run.

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hugz

hugz

I’ve been struggling to get excited for Hell in a Cell. I love a bit of enclosed hell as much as the next person. But ALL cell matches? Yeuch! This next segment, however, might just have won me over. John called for the cell to be lowered. And what Super-John wants, Super-John gets.

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John began his onslaught before the cell had even hit the ground. Randy tried to make away through the open door.

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Don’t be silly, Randy. Can you move quicker than the speed of light?

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The scrap continued outside the cell and, all superhero style, they began scaling the walls.  Nobody knew it was going to happen. Apart from the crew. Who had anticipated their climb and had already cut some holes in to the wire to help their ascent.

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AMAZING! They scrambled across the precariously loose wire and I held my breath. Super-John cared not for danger. He adjusted Randy’s attitude right there on top of the cell. I squealed. It was super.

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