Whew! Last week was quite the knackering week round these parts. Busy? This was beyond busy. Like mega-hyper-super-duper-nutsy-stupid-crazy-busy. You gotta pay the bills somehow, I suppose. I rewarded myself for making it out alive and relatively sane with these.
Let’s just say Diva by Xmas is on hold until this busy period of work passes.
Last week’s Raw started badly and I wondered how I’d make it to the end. Nobody needs to sit down to watch a wrestling show to be faced with circumcision. Thankfully, it improved as it went along. A cringe worthy opening segment and a pointless DX/Legacy match down, business started to pick up. Guest host, Cedric the Entertainer, did a whole bit where Santino announced that Fredericks the Entertainment’s new DVD had inspired him to go for a career in stand-up comedy. It didn’t go well.
Chavo interrupted Cedric and Santino’s comedy combo and complained that all his losses to Hornswoggle had been the result of unscrupulous guest hosts putting him in a losing position. With this in mind Chavo challenged Cedric to match that night.
Remember the week before when The Miz walked out on a match with Kofi Kingston with the US title over his shoulder? Amazingly, a week on, he still had it in exactly the same spot. I wonder if he experienced any chaffing on his shoulder from the constant rubbing of the metal?
And seven days is a long time to be shirtless. Apparently, he didn’t steal Kofi Kingston’s property. He just took what was going to be his anyway. And he believed that the US title should be available to US citizens only. By this logic, only those over 400lb can challenge for the the Heavyweight title and only those with breasts are allowed to place their paws on the Women’s title belt. Which actually makes Mark Henry eligible. Kofi was offended and claimed his bling back.
The Miz, now naked of shoulder, was forced to take Evan Bourne on in what turned out to be a pretty good match. Actually, THIS is where the show started to improve. Anything before that was just fluff.
Even though PPV title matches take place at least 30 times a year, John Cena and Randy Orton’s Hell in a Cell WWE Championship match required that both parties sign a contract in the middle of the ring – complete with a couple of ergonomic PVC chairs, red carpet, trestle table desk and black table-cloth. Randy, looking slick with a newly shaven head and thighs to infinity, signed the contract and informed John Cena that his cell experience would allow him to recapture the title at the PPV.
John pretended to be all angry and then did that cutesy thing he does where launches in to comedy. He even went to the trouble of making a YouTube style compilation of Randy quitting in their Breaking Point match.
Randy accused John of making a joke of their rivalry.
John continued to ridicule Randy’s ranting and Randy kicked his swivel chair in frustration. Easy tiger, they’ve got to go back to Office Max later. The crowd chanted for Cena, he paused to give them a winning smile and then proceeded to sign the contract. Oh and he went on to say that once he retains his title at the PPV, Randy Orton will be nothing more than a dude in his underwear. Fine by me, John. FINE. BY. ME.
True to form, as everyone giggled away at Comedy John, he flipped it the other way and became Angry John.
I forgot to mention that a ‘no physicality’ ruling had been slapped on the contract signing (just to heighten the sexual tension) so Randy brought JeriShow out to do the physical stuff on his behalf. Chaos ensued as John took a beating and M.V.P & Mark Henry threw themselves in to the mix to help John out. Cedric T.E. cooled things off by announcing they could all get their pound of flesh later that night in a 6-man tag match.
Mickie James was back in the ring but she was obviously still suffering from her implant deflation injury, as Beth Phoenix pinned her for the win in super-quick time. Then, just to rub salt in to Mickie’s wound, Alicia Fox jumped in to the ring and scissor-kicked Mickie back down again. I’d normally be angry with her for being so mean to my girl, but she wore some amazing over the knee boots and hit some wicked poses. So I’ll say nothing and give the Mickster a consolatory hug later.
Next, Jack Swagger faced Kofi Kingston. I know I’m a perv, but I can’t be the only person who thought Swagger had chosen to wear a skimpy cut-out outfit, can I? This one falls in to the Ola Jordan category of performance costumes.
See? I told you there would be more references to Strictly. The match was moving along nicely but while in-ring action proceeded, The Miz sneaked out to swipe the US title from the crew area. Jack Swagger was not pleased and chased after Miz, taking him out and taking the title belt for himself. Seriously fellas, just because you happen to be holding the belt, doesn’t mean you’re the champ. That’s like saying my holding a hairbrush to my lips while singing along to She & Him tracks makes me as lovely as Zooey Deschanel.
Then this happened………
And then this happened……..
Then I cried. No, not at the continuation of the Chavo/Hornswoggle storyline. After ten years in the biz, Lillian Garcia was hanging up her microphone to get married and move on to pastures new. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m horrible at goodbyes, so watching Lillian’s farewell speech on YouTube, at work, during my lunch break, was an error. I wept at my desk. Nobody saw me, which was a blessing. How do you explain to a non-wrestling bod why you’re crying for the departure of a girl who announces how much wrestlers weigh? I had a little tear the second time I watched it too. Yep. I’ m a wuss. But you wouldn’t have me any other way, would you?
With the tears over, it was time for our six-man tag match. But Jericho and Big Show weren’t content to just have a scrap and head home. They had arranged with Cedric that should Team Heel lose, Randy would have to face John Cena, M.V.P and Mark Henry by himself next week. Randy was none too chuffed. On the flip side, should Team Face lose, John would have to face Raw’s top three heels by himself the following week.
As matches go, it was pretty enjoyable. And the crowd were so hot for Cena that the cameras were shaking from the rumble in the bleachers. True story. But even the pep rally to end all pep rallies couldn’t save Cena & Co. from losing the match. It was worth seeing John lose just to see Chris Jericho looking this animated…..
I haven’t seen Jericho pull an expression like that since before he ditched tights in favour of Armani suits. I wonder if we’ll ever see Y2J again? Doubtful. But we will be seeing Rev. Al Sharpton guest hosting Raw tonight. Lord help us all.