raw(lite): hooray! it’s girl-crush monday!

So, I think I got away with skipping the Breaking Point recap.  Only one person felt the need to kick a corpse while it was down (thanks for that, BTW) , so let’s crack on with a reminder of what happened on last week’s Raw.

So there I was, expecting to see the new WWE Champion, John Cena, make a triumphant jaunt in to ring, waving his belt and whipping the audience in to a frenzy. But no. Not this time. This week got started with big Dave Batista, returning to action after injury. Ah, a Batista return from injury. Reminds me of when I started this blog back in April. Remember this?

The posts that launched wrestlegasm. The picture that triggered an epic transatlantic war of words. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But things are a little different this time around. Not only am I five months older and wiser with battle scars across my typing fingers, but Dave doesn’t seem as recovered or as enthusiastic as he did during his last phoenix from the flames feat.

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Dave had some news. Some important news. That ‘we need to talk’ tone always shakes me to the core, and this speech was no exception. And I hate goodbyes too. So I spent the first couple of minutes of the show shivering. Not really, but go with me for dramatic effect. Dave’s speech didn’t get very far before it was hijacked by Randy Orton, who expressed his joy at Batista’s suggested retirement. But something wasn’t quite right. And I don’t just mean this…..

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Dave wasn’t hanging up his wrestle-boots and going home to ride out middle age in the Tampa sunshine. Oh no. He was moving back to SMACKDOWN! *GASP* AAAAAND, the arm brace was just a ploy to lure predictable old Randy Orton out of his misery hole and taunt him in to fighting. What a clever genius the writers are Dave is. Having spoken with Trish Stratus, who was guest hostess that night, Dave had arranged one more match on Raw before bidding adieu to the red brand. It was indeed against Randy Orton.

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Dave was excited. So excited he ripped his shirt open.

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Me? Recycle material? No. There must be some mistake.

It was time to meet our guest hostess for the evening, Ms. Trish Stratus. Look at her there. All yoga’d up and brunette-ish.

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Oh Trish. How I love thee. I love you like I love boys. Kind of. Ok, not really. But I would still like to touch your hair. It’s so long and soft and pretty. *sigh*If you ever get tired and bored with yourself and want to switch skins with someone for the day, call me. I don’t think I’d get out of bed all day. Yes, I’m very creepy.

By the way, thanks to my Canadian representative for doing as I asked, attending the show with the sign I painted.

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Thanks, man!

If you saw last week’s Superstars you would have seen Jack Swagger and The Miz take on Kofi Kingston and Primo. I didn’t see it because Sky Sports still haven’t picked Superstars up yet and I couldn’t be bothered to download it. Thankfully, WWE like to keep the planet healthy and recycle, so they did the whole thing again on Raw. Swagger went in for the cover on Kofi and took the match for Team Heel, but The Miz was already making a swift exit, sauntering up the ramp with the U.S. title belt over his shoulder. And everyone knows…….

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Time for some lady action next and I was kind of bummed that Mickie James was injured with a ruptured breast implant and couldn’t have some sort of interaction with Trish. Nevermind. The perils of life as a Diva, eh? One minute your boob is there, next it’s flat as a pancake. Scary.  Still, Mickie managed to bounce her way out to join the boys at the announce table in a strapless top, so I figure she’s holding up well.

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I’m getting confused with the Diva’s championship.  Wasn’t there already a number one contender? Anyway, Gail Kim and Alicia Fox fought for a shot at Mickie’s title and, surprisingly, Alica won. Come on, guys. Let Gail Kim have her shot. She’s wicked! Although, I do like Alicia. Mainly for being a fashion superstah!

We were quite a way in to the show and we hadn’t been backstage at all yet. No time like the present……

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Yes, Trish was turning her dressing room in to a sanctuary of peace and zen-like tranquility when bruiser Beth Phoenix showed up to complain that she had been overlooked for the number one contender’s match. She was closely followed by Chris Jericho, who made himself feel better about the crushing effect of Trish’s beauty by convincing himself that she used to be madly in love with him. Apparently he wasn’t interested and told her to “hit the bricks!”

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All this culminated in Trish setting up a tag match between herself and a TBA partner, and Beth & Chris.  YAY! Trish is wrestling. I had been afraid to hope for such an outcome.

At Breaking Point, Legacy beat DX, so naturally Teddy and Cody wanted to do some bragging.  Ted had some kind of gross thing going on with his ear, which I initially mistook for a rogue hearing aid at Breaking Point, but seems to be an infected slash to the skin. Mmm. Juicy.

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Ted and Shawn Michaels had a match, which turned in to a free-for-all when Trips and Cody inevitably interfered. This will continue at the next PPV. Just a couple of weeks away, folks.

Chavo finally succumbed to Hornwoggle’s ‘Steal Chavo’s Dignity’ campaign and said he couldn’t take any more humiliation. Chavo, from the bottom of my heart and on behalf of wrestling fans everywhere, thank you.

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There’s no getting around it. John Cena and Randy Orton’s match at Breaking Point wasn’t just laced with sexual undertones, it was laden with overtones, sidetones and diagonal tones to boot. Handcuffs? Water soakings? Crotch clutchings? It was an explosion of male passion. After that match was done, I noticed some of the smarks saying things like “THE CHAMP. IS. QUEER.” But I wouldn’t be so juvenile as to make a joke like that. It’s not my style. High brow, satirical comedy all the way at wrestlegasm.com.

Next up, Beth and Jericho v Trish and….. M.V.P

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Trish hadn’t lost any of her old sparkle. I guess it’s like riding a bike. Once a hot wrestle chick, always a hot wrestle chick. Insert your own exception to the rule. There are plenty. How cool were Jericho and Beth Phoenix as tag-partners? More please. M.V.P and Jericho were going at it outside the ring, Trish and Beth were in the ring and Big Show ran in to save his little buddy. This, in turn, was a precursor to Mark Henry’s arrival and the whole thing  became a mish-mash of hot and not-so-hot bods.

The match came to an end via DQ, but boss-lady Trish was most unhappy that her match had been ambushed and ordered that it be restarted as a three-way tag.  It’s against the law for the guest host to lose so, to be all legal and stuff, Trish’s team won.

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Is Mark Henry weeping? Again?

Final match of the night was Randy Orton vs Batista. Dave was full of pent up, muscle-bound energy and made easy work of beating Orton up. As the match meant nothing, Randy felt it was better to run and hide than take any further beatings. He swung his way up the ramp in the hope of escaping, but Mr. John Cena was there to throw him back in to Batista’s hands. A Batista Bomb later, Randy was seeing stars and Dave was seeing blue.

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I didn't know how to mess with the hue saturation on photoshop when I started this blog. Oh I've grown up so fast.

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5 thoughts on “raw(lite): hooray! it’s girl-crush monday!

  1. Ted had some kind of gross thing going on with his ear, which I initially mistook for a rogue hearing aid

    HA~! That’s awesome! I love the idea of possessed hearing aids attaching themselves to unsuspecting victims. YOU WILL HEAR WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT! If there’s not a horrible direct-to-video movie with that as the plot, there needs to be.

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