crotch watch: it’s been a long time, baby


It’s been quite some time since the last edition of Crotch Watch and judging by some of the emails I’ve been getting, it’s long overdue. Also, lovely Abby is getting married on Saturday and I’m giving her a final chance to be a non-married pervert. Married perverts are the WORST! :p

CM Punk’s trunks have been jumping all over the the place lately, and not just because he’s got a new lady friend. Amy ‘Lita’ Dumas got the note he passed to her in gym class that said “Alls I need to know is if you’re gonna be my girlfriend!” and she replied favourably. We’ve gone from the beautiful canary yellow of Summerslam, back to the white, the black n green, to the royal blue, back to the sunshiney yellow…… you get the idea but I think we need some pictures just to be sure. My photoshop is trying to make me cry so you’ll have to make do with a brief oselection of what I could pull together.




You’re welcome, ladies. You’re welcome. Does anyone else think the white ones seems to have taken on a tanga shape? Not a complaint, just an observation.

In the last Crotch Watch I bared my soul and revealed my CM Punk naked laundry dream. Since then I have had one other Punky dream, but not nearly as entertaining. Although, he was wearing the white trunks again and the world title belt, and it involved limousine. That’s all you’re getting. I do have SOME dignity, you know.

So huge has Crotch Watch become, that even heterosexual men are now contributing to it.  Mr. A.P Southern of somewhere near Blackpool way alerted me to this picture this week. It raises an important question……


Whaddaya say, people? It’s a tough call. It could be that Punk’s trunks are exactly the same colour as his heavily bronzed thighs. Or it could be that he wanted to just let it all hang out that day. Never let it be said (again) that I don’t provide content that encourages lively and intellectual debate.

Now that Mr. Punk has been inappropriately objectified, let’s move on to see what’s been going on with the fashionz in other areas of the company.  Since The Miz made his way back to Raw under the initial guise of The Calgary Kid, he’s been making miraculous strides in his pursuit of the the US Title. Who would have thought that switching to trunks would have made him, well, good? Maybe it’s like when fertility doctors recommend that men get a little air to their crown jewels so that their swimmers don’t overheat. The Miz is obviously enjoying the breeze.

Oh and what was I saying about hetero men contributing to this site? I recently found this stuck to my facebook, courtesy of a Wrestlegasm footsoldier.


Ok, it was courtesy of my good friend, Matt, who took his niece to a house show in Flint, MI. But footsoldier sounds cool. Thank you, Mr. F. I’m surprised The Miz is allowing that sign to share the same airspace as him, but if someone from Flint told me I was a bedwetter, I think I’d probably give them the benefit of the doubt and walk away slowly too.

In other news, Randy Orton delighted me beyond belief at the Breaking Point PPV last Sunday. No, nothing to do with possibly the most homo-erotic match ever to grace our TV screens (I’ll come back to that in a day or so. *sigh*) It was actually his interview with Josh Matthews. As you know, I love a good Josh Matthews interview, and while Randy sat in the lockeroom contemplating his match with John Cena and being a total prick to Josh, I noticed this……

Check out the gallery or trunks above the title belt.

Check out the gallery of trunks above the title belt.

You see, Randy Orton doesn’t just reach in to his laundry and pull out the first pair of clean trunks that jump in to his hand. Oh no. When you’re packing that much in, you need to consider which are the most suitable for the show and your mood. Alright, so Randy only really has one mood. But different occasions require alternate groin-wear. I like to imagine Randy gets Ted and Cody to unpack his kitbag and line all the trunks up while he paces back and forth, picking them up, stretching them out, holding them up against himself in the mirror, before finally settling on a pair.


As for my favourite girly fashion moment, it’s been quite a while so there’s a lot to choose from.

My favourite in-ring offering was the fierce new outfit they’ve given to Natalya. Cuteness. And I hope some new clobber means they’ll be giving her a little push from here on in. The girls are dropping like flies at the moment.

It has a maple leaves and hearts on it. Because she's Canadian. And a (Nied)hart. Genius.

It has maple leaves and hearts on it. Because she's Canadian. And a (Nied)hart. Genius.

The stars came out to play at Summerslam this year and who doesn’t love seeing wrestle people in normal party clothes? It’s such a novelty. It’s mundane and yet you cannot stop yourself from looking. To quote one of my favourite trashy chick flicks “I love seeing teachers outside of school. It’s like watching a dog walk on its hind legs.”

I like to see a little bravery when it comes to fashion. I like to see a little thought behind a special outfit. So the award for best dressed went to Alicia Fox.

Frazer Harris/Getty

If anyone knows where this dress if from, please email me. I want it. And to all the fools who questioned the headband, open a fashion magazine or a music magazine, FFS. That whole outfit is about as on-trend as it could be.

Also, Maria. Everyone pointed and laughed at her sequined butterfly hair accessory. Why? At least she TRIED. Unlike some of the others who grabbed at the first thing the wardrobe lady handed out.

Kisses straight back atcha, honey.

Kisses straight back atcha, honey.

Final fashion award goes to Melina. Check out Mr. and Mrs. LA being all….LA!



Would I wear that dress? Nuh! Never. But she rocks it. So I give you a big fashion-squeeze, Melina.

That’s all for now. There will another Crotch Watch when I get round to….. errrr…. watching some more crotches, I guess. And I suppose, now that he’s moving up the ranks and all, I’ll finally have to address the Zack Ryder issue. Now, go back to that picture of nudey CM Punk and inspect it even closer. I know you want to.


10 thoughts on “crotch watch: it’s been a long time, baby

  1. Yay! I personally prefer the lying-down, tired-out, slightly sex-faced pic xD But the other one, well, it’s like watching a fire. You just can’t stop looking at it…
    I *will* try and curb my perving once Mrs’d. Though he knew about it when he decided to take me on, I think he loves me *in spite* of it!

    • See, I KNEW you’d like that one best. I bet I’m the only person to give you a post-coital expressioned CM Punk as a wedding present. If my photoshop hadn’t died I would have put a silvery ribbon around it.

      And I’m just teasing you, BTW. You are welcome as a Miss or a Mrs. 🙂

  2. CM Punk’s trunks(and trunks/no trunks conundrum), Natalya and a Mean Girls quote? Quite possible the best Crotch Watch ever.

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