Normally, such excessive and tacky gimmickery would irritate me, but I surprised myself with this week’s Raw. My inner pop culture junkie felt extremely satisfied my the end of the two hours. For the Brits who don’t know who Bob Barker is, he’s kind of the American version of Bruce Forsyth but without the tap-dancing, the chin and the bad rug.
Following a rousing welcome from the Chicago crowd, Mr. Barker got The Price is Raw started, instructing The Fink to select four contestants from the studio audience to take part in the game. But they didn’t choose any old pleb. That would be boring. Santino, Jillian, I.R.S (yes, really) and Chris Jericho were told to come on down. Santino and Jillian played the parts over-excited commoners exceptionally well, I.R.S was suitably subdued and Chris Jericho was, well, he wasn’t particularly pleased at being called to play.
The first three contestants were more than happy to place their bids on the new Best of Smackdown DVD (pile ’em high, wwe shop) but Jericho, new of highlights and stitched of eye, stepped up in Barker’s face to inform him that he had no intention of being a part of his nonsense. Being abusive to elderly gentlemen is what Jericho does best, right? But Barker was having none of this and beat Jericho back down.
Anyway, this went on for a while and Jericho was offered the opportunity to win a trip to Hawaii if he beat M.V.P. in a match right there. Oh, ok. So THIS is what they’re doing. For the whole two hours, you say? Well, if you’re going to pull off a gimmick, you might as well go the whole hog. Jericho didn’t win the holiday. But when would he get the time off to take it anyway? He’s being milked for all he’s worth at the moment. I hope he’s got a good union representative…… Oh.
Backstage, Kelly-Kelly interviewed Bob Barker while reading from an off-camera cue card. Her attempts at feigning interest in dog bollocks and being a natural reporter failed miserably. But I won’t make too much fun because it was to promote the charity the guy set up in memory of his late wife. I have got a heart, you know. The two were joined by Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who wanted a bit of gameshow action themselves.
DX were invited to spin the prize wheel and were rewarded with a tag match against Chris Masters and Randy Orton. Might need to get my sunglasses out of the drawer before I see that much oiled fake-bake skin. The glare may be too much for my corneas.
Moving on, Chavo Guerrero was given a real match against Evan Bourne, the prize for winning being a little red corvette and some dignity. But just as Chavo was about to claw his way back to a life without public humiliation, Hornswoggle turned up with a faulty supersoaker (for real), distracted Chavo and bought Evan Bourne some time to take the win. Whatever.
With all the glitz of the gameshow shenanigans, we seem to have forgotten that last week’s Raw ended on quite the cliffhanger. Oh how quickly a few flashing lights and dollar signs distract us from the important stuff. At the end of last week’s Raw, Cody Rhodes was left with a moral dilemma. Randy Orton RKO’s Dusty Rhodes and Cody didn’t know who to run to. To his real daddy, or to the man who makes him call him daddy? Almost an hour in to this week’s show, our sleepless nights spent worrying about the Codester’s decision were put to an end.
Yes, that’s right. Cody rejected his blood in favour of sticking with Randy Orton, because it was Randy who ‘made Cody a main eventer’. Errrrm, hate to break it to ya, sweetheart, but just because you interfere in every match that Randy takes part in, doesn’t make you a main eventer by association. He’s brainwashed you. Get out! Get out of this abusive relationship while you still can! Randy may be able to teach you how to sculpt your quads, but will he be there to tell you which screws are the best ones to use when fitting a new towel rail in your bathroom? Can he give you advice on how to carve the Christmas turkey properly? No. Bad move, baby.
Once the speech was over, Cody stayed in the ring and awaited the arrival of John Cena. They had a match. Randy Orton interfered. John won by DQ. It was stupid. So just enjoy this for a few seconds while I go and make some more tea.
Back to The Price is Raw. They needed a new contestant to take Jericho’s place at the podium. They could have picked any old random from the crowd but, by sheer coincidence, they pulled out some especially famous baseball player. I won’t pretend I knew who he was. After my last post, baseball is angry with me anyway, so who cares. He may be famous, but just like a pleb he proceeded to drop his whole body down to the microphone, you know, so we could hear him clearly. Oh dear.
Actually, this is the point where the whole show began to fall apart. Temporarily. Santino became Santinio, his bid was misheard, there was some kind of epic confusion at the end the Santino/Big Show match, and Santinio asked is he was permitted to join The Bella Twins in their hot-tub to make some human soup. Careful, Santino. Only DX are allowed to make bodily fluid jokes and get way with it. And that’s only because their glo-stix distract the kids from figuring out the innuendo.
Santino disappeared and Big Show was allowed to continue the hot-tub challenge against another opponent. Mark Henry offered himself up. My mother has been making a habit or showing up while I’m watching wrestling lately. She walked in at this point and asked me if Mark Henry wears a padded body-suit to make himself look bigger. No, mum. He really is that fat.
So, yeah, there was some body slamming too.
After all that excitement we needed something a little more civilised to calm our nerves. Josh Matthews interviewed Bob Barker about his autobiography and did a spectacular job. Ok, so the only comparison is the interview he had with Kelly-Kelly, but Josh did a very professional job. I was so proud of my little backstage boy.
Josh left, Chavo appeared and started having a go at Bob for the way he’d lost his match. Bob beat him up. Knocked to the ground by an octaganarian. How low is Chavo’s self esteem right now? Seriously.
Over in another part of the arena Jerry Lawler suggested that Randy Orton and Chris Masters were working out a strategy for their match against DX. But I planted a mic in Randy’s trunks when he wasn’t looking and managed to pick the following rant up on my headset…..
So that match happened. It was alright. I suppose. Chris Masters was way better than I was expecting him to be. And no patchy tan. Looks like the gravy did the trick! Ted and Cody interfered (because they’re main eventers) and the scrap continued behind the curtain. Randy Orton, like the sneaky little snake he is, slid behind some drapes and kept himself from harm. Where I come from that’s called cowardice. In Orton world, that’s a cunning plan.
DX and Legacy fought outside, maybe ’cause it was a nice night in Chicago, who knows. Some security guards got thrown around, Legacy stole a Mercedes and Randy Orton watched from the middle of the ring. John Cena ran in, Randy frothed at the mouth and left John huffing and puffing in pain on the mat.
I think there’s a PPV tomorrow. Something about submission. I’m not in work on Monday, but if you think I’m staying up through the night for that, you must be smokin’ sumfink.