As my blogging form has been below parr this past week, I thought I’d delight you with a new installment of ‘i know what you did last google’. My dashboard has been awash with weirdness since the last installment, so I’ve picked out a few of the most head-scratch worthy search terms that have graced my blog stats recently.
SAY WHAT? REALLY? You think Michelle McCool is FAT?
Holy crap, look how grossly obese she is! I can’t even LOOK, she’s so hideous. I can count the rolls of fat from here. Oh, wait, they’re not rolls of fat, that’s her highly toned six-pack. The only other thing I can think of is that someone was looking for pictures of Ms. McCool before she discovered exercise. Why? So you’ll feel better about the fact that her super-human fitness and stupidly sexy bod make your boyfriend think she’s hotter than you? She is. She’s hotter than all of us. Get over it!
Has Michelle McCool ever made me feel bad about myself? Oh yeah. Usually because I watch the repeat of Smackdown early on Saturday morning. Saturday morning is the only day of the week where I have time to cook bacon and eggs. I’m often scarfing down a bacon and brown sauce sarnie while Michelle flaunts her rock solid abs across my TV.
But don’t be hating. Don’t wish her fat. Wish yourself fit and healthy. Admittedly, Diva by Xmas is faltering this week. But that has more to do with not wanting to cough and sneeze over the machinery and keel over on the stairmaster than anything. Listen to her titantron music in the gym. It works! I swear!
*BREAST-CLUTCH* OH MY GODDDDDD! He DIED? NOOOOOOO! Hang on a minute. That Google search was from like two weeks ago. He’s not dead. I just saw him on last night’s Raw being all cute and professional and shit, interviewing Sir Barker. PHEEEEW! For a second there it was like on Twitter when the Trending Topics start showing ‘R.I.P celebrity-person’. That’s how we all find out a celeb has died these days, right?
One day, when my children tug on my skirt and say “Mummy, how did you find out Michael Jackson had died?” I will answer, “the Twitter Trending Topic broke the news to me on a balmy June evening. And nobody really believed it was true. Because it was a Twitter Trending Topic”
Back to Josh Matthews, his wrestling career may have passed over to the afterlife, but I think he’s doing a fine job of being a backstage interview dude and commentator. Ok, so he tends to dip his brush in to my bronzer a little too often (not a euphemism) but he’ll get the facepaint right soon enough.
Glad you didn’t die, buddy.
You know, I’m not too sure. And I don’t recall them giving an interview on their musical preferences in Rolling Stone or Q Magazine recently, so you might have to hold out for an answer on that one. But hey, while you’re waiting, get all your other greasy 14 year old pals together and form a band. You can rehearse in your parents’ basement and, who knows, maybe if you dedicate yourselves you’ll end up being REALLY good!
Then what you want to do is start gigging locally, trying to catch the eye of an A&R guy. If you’re lucky enough they may like your vibe and sign you to a developmental deal. If you’re even luckier again people will start listening to your music on myspace and YouTube and they’ll start downloading your tunes. For money! Before you know it you could be bursting on to the charts with the album of the year.
And to be honest, if all that happens, you can have The Bella Twins or your pick of any Diva you want. Because being in a band, especially if you’re the lead singer, instantly makes you a sexy boy. I’m sure The Bella Twins have thrown themselves at the odd ugly but highly succesful guy before, right?
You see, being in a band makes you instantly desirable to ladies, even if you’re not that good looking. A lot of rock stars aren’t ‘clasically handsome’. Kelly Jones, who would look like a smouldering fox unclogging blocked sewers, is the exception.
I should have stopped at three.