I’m tempted to skip most of Friday’s Smackdown and just go straight to the end. That’s all anyone cared about, right? But Smackdown is more than just the unique enigma, so I’ll give everyone else their props too.
We got going with CM Punk, who limped his way to the ring in his infamous white trunks. I shall inspect his fashions more closely in a day or so, but I cannot let them pass without comment. *flashback to my night-time dream* I love laundry! 😉 After some general bragging and finger-pointing at the audience, Punk suggested that if any of them felt the way he felt they’d all be on a morphine drip. In fact, they probably already were. Now, I love Mr. Punk an unhealthy amount, but don’t you think security might notice if 15,000 people wheeled liquid drugs in intravenous drips in to the arena? Your criticisms are getting silly!
Silliness aside, let’s not forget how Summerslam ended. The Dead Man himself rolled in to the ring while the lights were down and chokeslammed Punk in to oblivion. Taker will be back next week. He needed another week off after a straining his tongue at Summerslam. This Punk promo is delightful and can go on forever as far as I’m concerned, but I sense the pro-Hardy crowd are getting restless. Time to go to work for the last time, Jeff.
Jeff came out, full of steel cage match excitement, the crowd lost their minds and Punk tried to determine how high on chemicals Jeff was, and which were his toxins of choice for the evening. I’ll go with dihydroacetone. Google it to get the joke. Go on. I know it’s a public holiday (in the UK) but don’t be so lazy! Punk was fed up with living in the shadow of the Hardy sunbeam, so he suggested that the loser of their match that night leave the company. Like, forever. ZOMG! Jef’f agreed (well, DUH!) and Teddy Long announced that the winner would be facing Undertaker later on (again, DUH!). This all felt like watching the Christmas Day episode of Eastenders when you’ve already read what’s going to happen in TV QUICK magazine. But hey, let’s feign amnesia and go with it. I would like to point out I have never knowingly read TV QUICK magazine. Honest!
From one Hardy to another, Matt Hardy and John Morrison made super-swift work of beating Tyson Kidd and D.H Smith. In fact, I barely had time to get passed the brain spaz that Matt’s tights were the same tint of cornflower blue as my nail polish and that Hart Dynasty Pink would be a cool name for a nail polish of the same hue as their attire. You think I’m kidding. I’m not. Yes, I am ashamed.
Backstage, Melina and Maria weren’t looking too pleased with each other. Uh-oh. Something girly’s going down. Melina had seen Dolph Ziggler taking another woman backstage at Summerslam and, as her best friend, she felt that Maria needed to know. Maria wasn’t buying it because, you know, love is blind an all that. So they had a scrap, Melina left, Dolph showed up and convinced her that the girl was his sister. The “it was just my sister” line. THAT old chestnut. Oh Maria, don’t you think if your boyfriend’s sister was in town and was brought backstage he might have introduced you to her? Wake up and smell the stench of filthy lies, Maz.
By the way, I would like to quash the rumours that I dyed my hair dark red in an attempt to take on the appearance of Maria Kanellis and steal Dolph away from her. A complete fabrication. First of all, mine is way darker than hers, and secondly, I’m actually trying to seduce her EX-boyfriend with my luscious red locks. Oh wait, he cheated on her…..and he hates artificial chemicals! I’m SCREWED! And now I’m stuck with red hair. Ach, his hair is dyed black anyway. I’m still in with half a chance. If half means 0.01%.
Next up, Drew McIntyre put R-Truth to his death before the match had even started. I would like to thank WWE. First for introducing more British based talent (I love a familiar accent on American TV) and for billing Mr. McIntyre as weighing ’19 stone’. If you could see fit to announce all the wrestlers in stones and pounds, that would be lovely.
Michelle McCool hobbled her way out to the announce table on crutches and made it known that Melina’s brutal attack on her the previous week had left her severely injured. So, you didn’t hurt yourself in a house show two weeks earlier after all then? I know, I know. I’m just teasing. Michelle nominated Layla to take her place against Melina in the match that night. It was pitifully short, but Melina screamed her way to a win. Sensing she was in danger of becoming prey to slinky leopard Melina, Michelle tried to make away with the title belt before she could be attacked. Yeah. On crutches. Melina knocked Michelle down like she was a spindly gazelle and left her for the vultures.
Kane vs the soon to be suspended Rey Mysterio was better than one might have expected. But since it was all just a bit to continue Kane’s feud with Khali and Mysterio’s fight with Ziggler, it was all a little disappointing. Rey will have to pass the title over to Dolph this coming week thanks to his violation of the wellness policy. I’m curious to know who will get to step up to Dolph now. Ooooh, make it John Morrison so we can have the Morrison-Perez’s vs the Ziggler-Kanellis’s. Two feuds for the price of one.
JeriShow vs Cryme Tyme could probably have been left out of Smackdown this week. But I know they’re trying to squeeze every last drop of goodness out of Jericho’s current god-like status so they stuck it in there anyway. Big Show took the win.
Now what everyone’s been waiting for, CM Punk erasing Jeff Hardy from the company. Punk started early, attacking Jeff from behind while he was still pressing palms with the kids in the crowd. He threw off his belt, pulled his shirt off to reveal some heavy shoulder strapping and began “taking physical liberties with his opponent.” Thanks, Mr. Ross. They finally got in the cage and pulled another brilliant match out of the bag. You know, considering this was recorded just 48 hours after they beat each other to a pulp, it was pretty cool. Even if the outcome was inevitable.
Yes, as expected, Punk won and left Jeff in the ring to start his indefinite holiday. Once he made it back to his feet, Jeff gave quite a touching speech which made me really look forward to when he comes back. I love a good comeback!
It’s not often wrestling brings a genuine tear to my eye. I think the last time was when Ric Flair had his farewell episode of Raw and burst in to tears when all his pals came out to wish him well in retirement. Bloody Flair and his uncontrollable waterworks. I sobbed with him. It wasn’t even Jeff who made me watery-eyed. It was all those kids. I may not be a mother (yet) but I am subject to strong maternal instincts. I can’t stand a sad and disappointed child. Really. It triggers my inner-future-mother-person. Would those kids’ actual mothers please explain that Jeff just needs to chill for a while and will be back soon? Please tell them it’s not real and Jeff hasn’t been layed-off! This is damaging to their emotional wellbeing! Won’t somebody please think of the children?! (Did I do it right this time?)
As for the teenage girls who wept for Jeff…. you’re old enough to know better. Suck it up, ladies. You KNOW he’s coming back.
The final nail in Jeff Hardy’s temporary coffin came in the form of CM Punk’s genius thump to Jeff’s head with the title belt. The crowd booed like they had never booed before and Punk shouted out……..
It was a thing of heelish beauty. See you next week, Mr. Punk. Catch ya whenever, Jeff.