First an apology. There has been a distinct lack of posts at wrestlegasm.com this past week. Several reasons I doubt anyone cares about, but they revolve around a busy work week, having house business to sort out and celebrating the end of a long and frustrating work fight. You don’t wanna know. Also, of course, there was my Summerslam hangover which threw me off for the whole week. Thank Jebus my underwear has the days of the week embroidered across it or I might have turned up for work on Saturday and wondered where everyone else was!
So, Raw. I could use the excuse that everyone in the UK with a Sky+HD satellite box lost the first 20 minutes of Raw to a technical hitch. We only had half a screen and everyone spoke with robotic voices. No, Khali has not been drafted to Raw (bu-boom). It looked like this……
But since I have Raw downloaded from another source, I’ll start at the very beginning. Since Vickie Guerrero packed her bags and left us with a new guiding light on Raw every week, I’ve been used to having strong feelings towards it. Usually of over-the-top love or absolutely loathing with very little in between. This week, despite being hosted by someone I truly detest, I ended up feeling…..kind of….meh! Anyway…. It’s been a while since we saw all three of Legacy together and now they appear to have recruited a new minion for Randy’s regime. Brett DiBiase -who happened to the crazed fan who attacked the referee during Randy’s match with John Cena at Summerslam. That, naturally, was for those who still have a dial-up internet connection and didn’t have time to stay online on Sunday night to find out who the mystery stopper really was. Randy assured the world that he denounced Brett’s actions and that there was no place for that kind of tomfoolery on his watch.
You know, there are some pretty nice perks that come along with being a billionaire. Luxury executive travel, Michelin starred fine dining, bespoke clothing, and being able to force millions of people around the world to be involved with your birthday celebrations. Vincent Kennedy McMahon turned 64 this week and he wanted all of us to share in this special moment. Awww. Nice. Either that or his guest host for the evening, Floyd Mayweather Jr, had been held up by the sudden arrest of one his 50-strong entourage and Vince needed to stretch things out a bit. I think it was Floyd’s eyebrow guy. Arrested for being in possession of salon strength rubbing alcohol. All hearsay of course.
Yes, so DX introduced a reluctant Mr. M to his birthday gifts. Putting aside the fact that they stretched the whole thing out for far too long (naughty eyebrow guy!) DX ripping in to Vince appeals to my juvenile sense of humour and it did make me laugh a little bit. I mean, how many married men get to humiliate their father-in-law and boss in front of a global TV audience and take a pay cheque home for the pleasure? Sweet deal!
As the show was being beamed from Las Vegas, DX presented the boss with a bevy of plumy showgirls, who were followed not-so-swiftly by a couple of Circue de Soleil boys in springy shoes and white eye masks. Vince said the masks were gay and was later forced to apologise to the gays for his insensitivity. Question: Did any gay men ACTUALLY complain about that? Is it like when white people feel the need to act offended on behalf of ethnic minorities? Because if my (male) gay friends are anything to go by, they’d be more likely to complain about the delay of John Cena’s appearance than if a pensior thinks a sleep mask looks gay or not. Whatever.
An Elvis impersonator made the audience sing Happy Birthday, unfortunately my Sky box had started working again and I was compelled to vomit on the TV to obscure my view of this……….
The ring was cleared, DX set Vince up for a final surprise but Rhodes and DiBiase interfered and it ended up with them making a match between all three of Legacy and DX+Vince in a no DQ match. Oi! 30 minutes to get there?
The Miz made quick work of Santino and he made his intentions for swiping the US Championship from Kofi Kingston known. I’m pleased to report that Miz has resolved his pre-Summerslam tanning issues. I may be a hard task master when it comes to the boys’ tanning but it only takes one reprimand for them to see the error of their bronzed ways and up their tanning game. You should be thanking me, people.
Moving on and the ladies had a match made by Floyd Mayweather, even though he hadn’t shown up yet, called a Mayweather Melee. If it weren’t for the fact that the girls looked like such total boxing knockouts (whoops, soz TNA) I meant smokin’ hot Divas, it would have been another gimmicky guest host tie-in for the girls. Ah, what a classic the ZZ Top Legs Match was! Mickie James looked so gorgeous she could almost convert me to girls. Not really, but I would have given her a big hug of appreciation for the fact that she managed to wrestle in the ill-fitting boob tube the costume dept. made her wear as a skirt. Count the number of times she had to readjust that thing! Alicia Fox pinned Mickie to take the match for herself, Beth ‘Wonderwoman’ Phoenix and Rosa Mendes.
Over in the loading bay (?) Shawn Michaels and Triple H plugged some WWE shop merchandise and delivered Vince’s next birthday present…..
Time for the guest host to make an appearance. Big Show and Jericho made their way to the ring, Big Show refused to leave the ring until Floyd faced him and………….
Floyd did indeed show up, naturally with a silly number of enourage nobodies, and my hero worship for Chris Jericho kicked itself up a notch when he did this…….
M.V.P arrived at the top the ramp to inform Jericho that his time to shut up had come. They had a bit of verbal back and forth where Montel picked on Big Show and in a touching moment of bromantic solidarity, Jericho told M.V.P to ‘leave his friend alone!’ Awww. You guys. M.V.P continued and Floyd agreed to let him take JeriShow on that night if he could find himself a tag partner. A partner had already been selected.
The match itself, which took place right away, was pretty good and Floyd pretended to be interested from ringside.
Of course, he interfered by placing a fake knuckle-duster in M.V.P’s hand, packing his punch to Jericho’s chin with a little extra plastic. M.V.P pulled the zip on his jump-suit down and it was strangely exciting. Team Floyd took the match and Big Show carried his unconscious companion out the arena over his shoulder. It was so…. so …… so…….
but doesn’t that give CHAVO the advantage?
Final match of the night was the DX+Vince against Legacy. Not bad. I suppose. Michaels intercepted the kick-to-the-skull Randy was about to plant on Vince but Randy, as per usual, began leaving the arena. Just as he hit the ramp still facing the ring John Cena’s music hit. Randy looked all frightened and John marched up to him, punching his body back in to the ring.
Thank God John finally showed up! The gays were texting me angry SMS’s about his apparent night off! Once back in the ring, Shawn Michaels stuck the Sweet Chin Music on Randy’s jaw, John put the Attitude Adjustment on him and Vince pinned him for the win. Well, it IS the guy’s birthday. Fair do’s, like.
Dusty Rhodes is guest hosting tonight. Which I’ve been waiting for since Ted DiBiase Sr guest hosted. And I was in America when that went down. Oh America. You feel so five weeks ago! 😦