raw(lite): a prinzley affair

I went through a whole range of emotions when it was announced that Freddie Prinze Jr. was guest hosting this week’s Raw. At first I was horrified that someone so seemingly random had been given such a special honour. Then I was elated that my teen movie heartthrob would be on full view for two hours (minus 30 minutes of advertising). Then I felt that my love was validated even further when I found out Freds had written some stuff for WWE in the past and he was a huge wrestling fan-boy. And, of course, any link to Buffy is fine by me. I cannot begin to tell you how much I wanted to be SMG back in the day. I spent months looking for the perfect Sunnydale t-shirt and praticing my high kicks. So sad.

Anyway, Freddie entered the arena and with the kind of over-excited bounce I think we’d ALL have hosting Raw, and I failed in trying to control my inner teenager. If anything, he’s got better looking as he’s aged.

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But most importantly, he not only understands wrestling but also gets it that the host’s job is to present the talent, not allow his ego to overspill in to the show. After a Santino segment which (much as I hate to admit it) made me LOL, Randy Orton had something to say. With the PPV on the way, he fancied a bit of a chill and told FP Jr. he wouldn’t be teaming up with Cena for the match against the tag champs that night. But Freddie was having none of it and informed Randy that he had no choice but to perform in St.Louis, his home town.

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Nobody tells Randy what to do and gets away with it and Freddie was no exception. Randy stretched him all awkward-like and cracked his back across his, leaving Freddie writhing in agony in the ring. Personally, I thought Freddie made a meal of it. In fact, I’d quite like if Randy cracked my back. It’s been all knotted up with tension all week. Well really just my neck and shoulders, so he could give them a rub and then …….. I’ve gone off topic.  The officials escorted Freddie to the green room a medical facility and Jerry Lawler apologised for what we had just witnessed. Don’t apologise, Jez, I enjoyed it greatly.

Moving on, Kofi Kingston (the only man on the Summerslam poster not appearing at Summerslam) was up against Carlito, who retained his puff-ball hairstyle from last week’s Superstars.  Pretty good match which, as Kofi retained the belt,  I assume is a post-Summerslam feud they’ll keep running. But with The Miz back in the chilly bosom of Raw and back on American soil, he wanted a slice of the U.S belt too. I was almost convinced that the new look was a pre-cursor to success, until I spotted another fake-tan faux pas. Boys, I keep telling you, get Randy to help with your self tanning. He’s in the writing -up stage of the PhD he’s getting from La Coiffure Beauty School. You get a prize if you understand that movie reference.

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King of Cute, Evan Bourne, came out to shut The Miz up with a match, but found himself silenced instead. Meanwhile in the car park, an intern had emblazoned a white limo with DX in removable spray paint. Well, they’re getting on in years now. They’re only semi-rebellious these days. Remember the days when it would have been permanent spray-paint and damn the cost of having it fixed at the bodyshop? Good times, good times. Since it’s DX’s annual WWE Shop fundraiser, Shawn and Hunter were fully decked out in their new DX garb. Seriously though, it was kind of cool to see them back again. A little light relief amidst the mess that has been Raw these past couple of months.

Get your glo-stix while they're still in stock kids. Only 2,000,000 left in the warehouse.

Get your glo-stix while they're still in stock kids. Only 2,000,000 left in the warehouse.

Just as the nostalgic pleasantries were almost out of the way, Rhodes and DiBiase turned up to break DX down. Ooooh they were so mean. At one point Teddy rode Triple H like a horsey while Cody beat the both of them with one of Shawn’s cowboy boots. Getting your arse kicked with your own shoe…super-size loaded with irony.  The young ‘uns were indeed ‘ready’. But line of the night went to The King who remarked……

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Really, Jerry? REALLY? Wow! ‘Cause that was probably the most predictable happening of the evening. If you don’t already have one, I suggest you hire an experienced campaign manager immediately for your Memphis Mayorship quest.

Mickie James and Gail Kim was good and I dug Gail’s lilac sparkles. At one point they seemed to become adjoined and they rolled around as if they were one woman. It was kind of….. oh I’ll just leave that one for the boys. All was moving along nicely until Gail screwed up a leap from the top ropes and gave herself one of those rapid growing cartoon head-lumps. And a concussion. Fo realz. Mickie pinned her to end the match just a few seconds later and helped Gail to her feet.

No, Smackdown is in Kansas. You're not on Smackdown any more, darlin'. Bless her broken head.

No, Smackdown is in Kansas. You're not on Smackdown any more, darlin'. Bless her broken head.

We received an update on Freddie’s condition and I was relieved to hear he was on his way back to the arena. Phew!

John Cena was feeling peeved at Randy’s tantrums earlier in the show and called upon Josh Matthews to help get his point across. John did lots of cute comedy faces (comedy movie next, honey?) and he even picked Josh up by the lapels and made him laugh. Like, a REAL laugh.

Amazingly, my swoon is for Josh. Look at him there, smiling and being all happy and stuff. Aww.

Amazingly, my swoon is for Josh. Look at him there, smiling and being all happy and stuff. Aww. BTW, Josh, keep working on that bronzer application. Not quite there yet.

John, vis-à-vis that epic zit on your lip…..clean skin,  neat tea-tree oil on a cotton bud (q-tip for the yanks) and hold it on for a few minutes. It’ll be gone in a day or so. No need to thank me. Jericho and Show appeared to put John in his place and we were straight in to M.V.P and Jack Swagger, already in the ring. According to Michael Cole, this feud has turned in to a clash of cultures. What he really meant to say was a ‘clash of American stereotypes’. They go to Summerslam for a proper fight.

Freddie Prinze was back in the arena and determined to reassert his authority over the show. I’m still boycotting the whole  Chavo/Hornswoggle/Mark Henry bit, so I’ll just skip ahead to the announcement of the next celeb guest host. OH. MY. HELL. Floyd Mayweather Jr. Ok, putting my personal feelings aside for a moment, he will probably be a good guest host, what with his history with Big Show from last year’s Wrestlemania and what-not. But I hate this guy. HATE! There’s showboating and there’s acting like a complete tosspot. FMJ = tosspot. And you have no idea the ribbing I took from my American friends when he slaughtered Ricky Hatton. It made my heart cramp.  But that’s for next week.

Still hurts.

Still hurts.

The final match where Cena and Orton had to team up against Jericho and Big Show was weird. A better use of the time would have been to promote the matches that WILL be taking place at the PPV. But whatever. The promotion for this Summerslam has  been a complete waste of time. If you’re still putting the card together a few days before, something’s gone wrong. Rant over.

Freddie made the match a lumberjack match and brought half the roster out to participate from ringside. It was put to bed when John adjusted Jericho’s attitude. But just as John was celebrating, Randy RKO’d him and the whole thing turned in to something that resembled a bar-room brawl in one of those old spaghetti westerns.

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John cleared the ring, the crowd went nuts, and I discovered that men really do get better looking as they get older. Marilyn help me out, sweetheart……..

Needle me up, baby!

Needle me up!

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