While I was touring America, I received a request. Ha. ‘Touring America’ sounds like I’m a rock star. Only in my head, kids. Only in my head. Anyway, yes, the request went like this:
…and because I’m all about giving the people what they want, Crotch Watch is now a feature all on its own. Hard-hitting journalism at its best, I’m sure you’ll agree. It may not be a weekly feature, but you can be assured that I’ll have my binoculars and night-vision goggles to hand at all times, and I’ll be making a note of all the important trunk, tights and trouser selection developments.
Now, I realise that dedicating a whole feature to CM Punk’s shorts smacks a little of overkill, so I’m quite prepared to monitor the trunkular choices of the entire roster, with a view to bringing you the highlights. And, because I’m an equal opportunities pervert, I’ll chuck some of the girls in there too. They will have to be general fashion observations though. I can’t feign interest in lady bits that aren’t my own any more than Kofi Kingston can fake melancholy.
So, on to the actual watching of crotches and it was a dark, dark week in the world of CM Punk. Everyone said…. Is he a heel? Is he a face? Is he kind of wishy-washy and falling somewhere in between the two? It was time for a statement of intent. An EEEEVILLL statement. Yep, Punk went full on bad dude on Jeff Hardy’s ass on Smackdown and only a black pair of trunks would do.
Admittedly, I would like to have seen the lavender trunks, if only to prove one can be a tough mofo in gentle shades of purple without feeling that one’s masculinity is under threat. Still, at both Night of Champions and this week’s Smackdown he plumped for the black shorts with green Chicagoan stars. These short are ‘I mean business and have got no time for pleasuring the ladies with pastel shaded spandex this week’ attire.
This is just a rumour, but I hear Punk wore the shorts from Sunday to Tuesday just so they’d be extra gross and have some additional nasal punch when he destroyed Jeff Hardy at the end of Smackdown. I am legally bound not to reveal my sources on that one though, so…..
I’m going to hope he calms down by the time they tape Smackdown tomorrow and will have changed in to some slightly more peaceful knickers. I’ll have a word. Leave it with me.
An honourable mention also goes to Dolph Ziggler this week. I’m sure he’s thrilled that he’s made his way in to the Crotch Watch Hall of Fame so early on. And I mean, who doesn’t love a pair of metallic boxer-briefs, right? I know I do. AMAZING!
Next time I’ll include some girls. I don’t want to alienate the blokes who visit this site. I love you too. Mwah!
PS> A second hug of gratitude to Randy who, despite having no matches on last week’s Raw, still refused to cover his crotch. What a hero!