Judgment Day: Stars, Straps and Tantrums

Alrighty, I know this is pretty late. But some stuff’s been going on this week.  I’m sure you don’t want to hear my tales of woe, so I’ll move on. Much as I was tempted to skip recapping this PPV,  I don’t really want to leave any storyline gaps, so here I am.  And it’s not like I gave you nothing this week. I did present my much promised opinions on the Women’s Division. Hopefully by the end of this holiday weekend, I will be all caught up and will have redeemed myself with the regular readers.

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By now, even if you didn’t watch Judgment Day, you’ve probably found out that it wasn’t the most spectacular PPV to ever demand £14.95. But there were a few bright spots.

MATCH ONE: CM Punk v Umaga (Winner)

The hometown boy took on Umaga in a match of revenge. Poor Punk. He leads a clean-living life, plays by the rules, doesn’t cause Mr. M any mischief, and this is the best they would give him.  Come to Ray, sweets. I’ll give you a consolatory squeezy-hug. And look, he went to the trouble of having some new trunks made for his homecoming too. Dusky blue with orange stars. The stars of the Chicago flag, apparently. You learn something new every day.

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BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Punk jumped over the top rope and splashed Umaga over the mats. I LOOOOVE when he does the jumping stuffs.

By the way, what is WRONG with this girl?

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Doesn’t she KNOW that corner spot in the best position in the whole arena? When CM Punk was writhing in pain all over her corner, it appeared it was all she could do to stop herself from screaming “EEWWWW. Boy-Juice! Get offa me!” Silly girl. TOUCH HIM! PAT HIM ON THE BACK! At least whisper some sweet words of encouragement in this ear.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Umaga kicked Punk in to the turnbuckle and smooshed his pretty face with his giant rump. Bad. Painful. And too much Umag-ass. Safe to say he will never be the subject of CROTCH WATCH.  Yeuch!

SIDENOTE: When Todd Grisham thanked all the people watching around the world “….and those in the United Kingdom on Sky Box Office.” I may have thrown my arms in the air, whooped and shouted “THAT’S ME”. Yes, you are correct. I am a loser.

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MATCH TWO: Jack Swagger v Christian (Winner) – ECW Championship

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Christian undressed Swagger at the end of the match. At first I thought it was just wrestling getting even more homo -erotic than it usually is. Especially after Jack Swagger  “grabbed a handful of Christian’s tights.” But no, apparently it’s considered bad form in the collegiate league to compete with your straps down. Hmm. I never knew that. This PPV may not have been all that memorable, but it was certainly educational.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

There wasn’t one. I LOVED this match. LOOOOOVED!

SIDENOTE:  I know Josh Matthews gets a lot of shit for not being the best commentator, but  I like him. It’s kind of nice to see younger guys having a crack of the commentary whip. And I only just noticed that ECW has the best looking announce team across all three brands.

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You’d think I might have noticed that sooner. I mean, look at the competition. My favourite commentary line of this match came from Matt Striker when he said “Look, anyone that’s ever had a bad back in the morning can imagine what it must feel like to have a 6ft 6″ All-American bearing down on you.” Ya know, I’ve never given it much thought before, but now that I have the visual, I kinda like it.

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Nice to see some of the Chicago Bears in the crowd, although, Greg Olsen looked like he couldn’t wait to get home.

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I gots mad love for football (Go Ravens) and hockey (Go Predators)but I struggle with basketball (HATE the thuggery) and baseball (don’t understand it), so this has been an annoying week for me with the whole Denver Nuggets debacle. I’m dreading Next week’s Raw and Smackdown. It’ll be crammed full of cheap jokes. I’ll come back to baseball later. On with JD. ======================================================

MATCH THREE: Shelton Benjamin accompaniedby Charlie Haas v John Morrison (Winner)

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When John Morrison kicked, punched, swung around and swept the legs of Benjamin. It. Was. AWESOME. And so was his finishing move.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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Any moment involving Charlie Haas. There was no reason for him to be there other than to be Benjamin’s personal cheerleader. No women’s match but Haas gets an airing? Poor show, WWE. Poor show indeed.

SIDENOTE:  I think I’m finally getting why Morrison is so revered. Not the sexy shamen stuff, but he is a little bit awesome. And he’s A POET. WOW! Maybe we should get him in the ring with Jeff Hardy for a poetry battle. Like Eminem in 8 Mile, but more cultured.

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I was waiting for the next match when The Miz made an appearance. NOOOOOO! Don’t subject me to this. PLEEEASE. Hold up, is this the first Raw appearance so far? Whoa. Anyway, he dissed Cena….again. And dissed the crowd…..again. Then he ripped the piss outta Chicago….. ’cause there’s no better way to make someone hate your guts than to talk trash about their home town. He then went to on to challenge and throw verbal crap at Alfonso Soriano who, apparently, plays for the Chicago Cubs. I don’t know ANYTHING about baseball, but he seems like a friendly guy. Poor thing. He looked a little heartbroken. At least he smiled. Take note Greg Olsen.

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Michael Cole got it spot on for the next arrival to the ring. Some Italian whaling hit and “You never thought you’d be pleased to see Santino, did ya?” You daaaamn right, baby! Santino did his usual condescending comedy, brought out his bicep guns and a fight ensued. The crowd booed and yayed like it was a pantomime and then Chavo ran in to take out Santino. Huh? Oh, Edge told him earlier in the show that he’d let Vickie down by not defending her honour against Santino’s pig jokes. *sigh*

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MATCH FOUR:  Rey Mysterio (Winner) v Chris Jericho – Intercontinental Championship

Jericho did a promo just before going out in to the ring and used the following words:

Controversy, Conspiracy, Vilified, Chastised, Parasitic, Gelatinous, Tapeworms and Intercontinental. So you know how THAT went. By the way, sweetheart, you know I love you so I feel able to say this – time for a new hair-do. When this starts happening…….

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GO SHORTER! Kiss-kiss!

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Jericho was finally able to drag Mysterio in to the Walls of Jericho and the crowd went nuts. And I thought everyone was waiting for the 619. LOTS of Chris Jericho fans in Chi-town.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

NOTHING. It was the best match of the night. They’re both a couple of grafters so we shouldn’t have expected anything less. Beautiful!

SIDENOTE: I know Rey Mysterio’s always all about the kids, but how sweet was it when he gave that kid his necklace. You can’t buy that kind of excitement.

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My favourite quote from JR was when he said “Chris Jericho has been called many things, including an angry man in a suit!” Yawch! I remember, once, when I had PMS, I was wearing a cardigan, and someone called me an angry girl in a cardigan, and it HURT SO BAAAAAD!

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MATCH FIVE: Randy Orton (Winner) v Dave Batista – WWE Championship

Hold the phone, are we really almost two hours in and this is the first Raw match? Congratulations Smackdown. You just graduated!

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Randy Orton’s IED kicked in and he started throwing the kind of tantrum small children throw in the middle of the supermarket when they want a lollipop but can’t have one. I love when he does that viper thing and starts crawling around on his fists. It’s a little bit sexy.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

Times is hard in the financial sector

Times is hard in the financial sector

It pains me to have to do this, but it was when Ric Flair came out to rescue Dave from a three-pronged attack from Orton, Rhodes and DiBiase. I’m the first to admit that wrestling doesn’t hang in the realms of reality, but seriously, a man in his 60s beating up three men in their 20s? Please don’t insult my intelligence. I know I’m a sucka, but not THAT much of a sucka.

SIDENOTE: Retired is, as retired does. That is all.

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MATCH SIX: John Cena (Winner) v Big Show

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When John lifted Big Show on his shoulders. I know he’s done it before, but it makes me feel all warm inside when he does his extraordinary displays of brute strengh.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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Pretty much everything else. It was painful. Horrible, horrible and, oh yeah, horrible.

SIDENOTE: Why why why did they make us watch this match? Big Show can’t hang with John. They’re bad for each other. This whole feud is ridiculous and pointless. Hey, you, yeah you, Lawler, you know before the match when you said “this is the one I’VE been waiting for.” You’re an effing liar!

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MATCH SIX: Jeff Hardy v Edge (Winner) – Heavyweight Championship

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Edge took a groin to the face, tried to slam Jeff down but was countered when Jeff slipped over Edge’s head and flipped him over the other way. It was a wicked move.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Matt Hardy ran in from the crowd and knocked Jeff over, losing him the match………L.A.M.E

SIDENOTE: Something didn’t work heree and I think it’s because they didn’t build the feud for long enough. I can’t bear when they’ve only got three weeks between PPVs. It’s almost as if they’re afraid of building stories that don’t lead up to Wrestlemania or Summerslam or Survivor Series. I’m lucky. Because of the ungodly start times, some of my PPVs are free.  For people who have to pay for every one, they’re running too often. So everyone loses.

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