A change, Sheryl Crow said, does us good. Although, if you listen to the rest of the lyrics from that song I think she may have been wasted when she wrote it. Anyway, yes, change. Instead of the usual 15 minute superstar/GM sermon to kick off Raw this week, we went straight in to a match. Randy and Shane to be precise. Well, we’ve seen them in the ring together so much lately, it’s not like we needed an introduction anyway.
There seems to be a lot of ‘let’s run in to the crowd to get them all fired up’ of late. Shane and Randy participated in this too. You have to feel for the arena staff when this happens. There they are, thinking they’ll have an easy night, then all of a sudden they have thousands of lunatics all trying to grab a swab of Randy’s perspiration to sell on ebay.
After the crowd surfing, Shane splayed Randy across the announce table and set himself up for a leap from the top rope. But hold on, no Orton/McMahon match is complete without its supporting cast, so here come Rhodes and DiBiase to rescue Randy. The three furr-less wolves surround Shane and begin ripping him apart. Hark, I do believe that’s the cue for another member of the chorus to appear. Here comes M.V.P to save Shane from a wolf attack. Hark again, the numbers are still uneven and two members of Team Corporate are in distress. *BING-BONG* Paging Dr. Batista-Paging Dr. Batista – you have an emergency in the ring. Please proceed immediately.
Dr. Dave answered his page and the beginning of Raw began to resemble utter carnage. Mummy Guerrero had to put a stop to this foolishness. You naughty boys, you. She calmed things down by announcing that if the cavalry wanted to be involved in the second Orton/Shane match that night, they’d have to earn it. Dave had to take on DiBiase and M.V.P had to go against Cody Rhodes. If they win, they’re in. An explosive start to Monday Night Raw INDEED, Michael Cole.
Quick fashion moment, courtesy of Gok Wan. If you’re short, like Mrs. G (and me) avoid T-Bar and ankle strap heels with a skirt. They cut the leg off too early and make you look even shorter. Try a nice open pump instead. They lengthen the leg.
Back in the ring, Matt Hardy (still bleating about his metacarpals) is up against Kofi Kingston. Apparently he’s filed a formal complaint with the appropriate authorities about having to fight while injured. What? Vince allowed them to form a union? Isn’t that, like, a human right or something? Whoa!
It wasn’t much of a match. I mean, how interesting can it be with one of them being one-handed. Actually, it was more interesting listening to Cole and Lawler trying to talk about wanking without letting on to the kids they were talking about wanking. What ELSE can’t you do with your right hand in a cast? Hee-hee-hee. Juveniles. Kofi Kingston won, but Hardy used his cast to knock him out after the match had ended.
Behind the curtain, Santino Marella is telling the obligatory Oink Flu joke to KellyX2 and then to Chavo. I tried not to laugh. Really, I did. But I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes I hate myself for loving you, WWE.
After another Backlash recap relating to my John and Big Show, we head back behind the curtain again where Big Show is moaning to Vickie about getting a match against John Cena at Judgement Day. She obliges and we scoot across to M.V.P, who is preparing for his match against Cody Rhodes while being mauled by the Bella Twins. Rhodes is already in the ring, and William Regal returns to the floor in the commentary seat.
Oh dear, William Regal, why must you be such an irritating nutter?And just for the record, not all British people are clueless to the phrase ‘Ballin’. Stop playing the dumb Brit, Regal. The Rhodes/M.V.P match was rolling along well but then, in an act of desperation, William Regal began offering himself as a tag partner to Cody Rhodes. When the offer was turned down he interfered anyway and tripped M.V.P, leaving Rhodes to win by count-out. So that gives M.V.P a nice little feud with Regal for JD.
Soooo, following that Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler introduced a sing-off to rival Smackdown’s horrible dance-off last week. What? WHAT? Seriously, Raw, that was one of the weakest parts of Smackdown. You could have skipped Jillian and Festus crooning it out . As it happened, my dad arrived just as this was going on. I dare you to try and defend this shit when a non-wrestling person is watching it with you. My heart broke trying to come up with something to justify it. But at least it had a modicum of comedy value.
And just to wind me up even more, all that tom-foolery was followed by a visit from The Miz. I can feel my blood pressure rising already….and not in a really pleasurable CM Punk way either. His adventures in arrogance continued as he challenged John Cena, once again to take him on. Puh-lease. John couldn’t handle it any more and came out to shut this child up. I should point out that the person you saw coming out to the ring was NOT the real John Cena. It was a life-sized action figure fashioned from resin and a skin-like silicone substance. That’s why he was walking in that awkward manner and that’s why he couldn’t defend himself when Big Show attacked. There’s only so much you can make an action figure do. Trust me, I’ve tried.
The real John Cena is crashing at my place while he recuperates. He’s not an easy patient to take care of. He wants to get back in the ring so he can do some damage to the Big Show. But I’ve reminded him that he’s gotta take it easy. He can have his revenge at Judgement Day. Until then I’ll continue applying calamine lotion to his burns, will carry on changing his bandages at regular intervals and will keep bringing him miniature animals to cuddle. They cheer him up, even though he still looks a bit sad in this one.
Sooooo, back in the realms of reality, Jared the Subway Guy is announcing the Mickie James/Maryse match. HUH? Oh, Subway is the sponsor. Ok. You know, sometimes I’m really glad I know a little bit about America, or Jared would have gone straight over my head. Anyway, This was a really solid match. I love when they give the women a few minutes just to wrestle. No gimmicks, no silliness, no…errr…..lady-boys? Just some proper wrestling. Mickie James made a flying leap at Maryse’s face and pinned her for the win.
Back to the boys and Batista is taking on Ted DiBiase for an opportunity to join their personal leader in the final match of the night. It was looking like Dave had the upper hand being that, ya know, he’s twice Ted’s size and all. He had him in the corner of the ring….almost looking like he was trying to angrily hump him. But then he got a bit over-excited and was disqualified. NO, not THAT kind of over-excited. Don’t be filthy! Uh-oh. It’s looking like Shane is going to be outnumbered in the ring. DOH!
Carlito beat ‘The’ Brian Kendrick (well if Lillian can do it, so can I) and we’re at our main event of the night – Shane versus ALL of Legacy. Ooh. Bummer. Shane was psyching himself up in the hallway when Dave came to apologise for leaving him all on his lonesome. There may have been more to the conversation but the giant, pulsating vein running up Dave’s arm demanded my attention. Kind of like when you’re talking to a guy wearing an awful toupee and all you can think about is the mop of horse mane slapped on their bonce.What did he do….swallow a pack of Gummi Worms the wrong way? Eeek.
Down in the arena, Team Cyborg are making their way to the ring. There is no purpose for this next picture other than to admire Randy Orton’s thighs. You could crack walnuts with those thighs. Actually, you could even crack Brazil nuts….and they’re the bitchiest of all the nuts to crack. Even my Dad commented on the fact that Randy’s got “very impressive quads”. And he works in medicine and sports, so he knows his muscle groups.
This match reminds of the episode of Friends where Monica’s boyfriend Pete (the millionaire businessman) decides he wants to become a UFC fighter, just for the hell of it. (Click here for the clip). In theory, Shane should end up looking like this…….
But we all know that the WWE isn’t like real life. In fact, it isn’t even as real as Friends…and that’s about as big a fantasy as it gets. Shane held his own pretty well considering it was a three against one handicap match. But it all started going wrong when Shane tried to put Randy through the announce table for the second time that night and missed by a mile, injuring himself in the process.
From then on in it was downhill for Shaney-boy. Not only did his right ankle fall victim to a ‘steel’ chair, it then fell victim to dun-dun-duuuun…. the ‘steel’ stairs. At this point the officials decided Shane had received enough punishment and separated Legacy from their prey. It was looking like it was all over when Dr. Dave answered his pager again and ran in to rescue the boss. Legacy got down low and scuttled away like the pack of smooth-skinned dogs they are. Batista beat himself up for not being there to protect Shane O’Mac. Popping veins ahoy! Poor ole Shane was wheeled out on a gurney and Chief-Robot-Randy reminded Dave that his JD was coming. And I don’t mean he was gonna mix him a Lynchburg Lemonade. I believe I just lost my heart to a nutcracking robot.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch Smackdown in bed with a box of tissues. BECAUSE I’VE GOT A COOOLD. I swear, your minds practically LIVE in the gutter.