Smackdown(lite): partie deux – d’introducions

I said it was a week of introductions, didn’t I? Smackdown was no exception.  Let’s check  it out……..

We began with Chris Jericho, still playing the bad guy, still in a custom suit, still hawt. But wait, there are teeny tiny glimmers of comedy returning to his public persona. YES! I miss happy Jericho.  He started by abusing the fans,  which they, naturally, jeered. Apparently this is now his show and there’s nothing anything can do about it. Why do I get the feeling someone will come out and question that? Oh here we go, Edge, hoorah! Canada vs Canada. I love it.  Edge seems particularly calm all of a sudden. That belt must be like a jewellery version of prozac. Someone get me a really big belt – STAT.

Poor Chris Jericho. Edge gave him a verbal battering that left me wanting to give him a big, warm hug.  Yeah, because I NEVER usually wanna do that! Apparently, Jericho can take all his vocabulary words and leave because Smackdown isn’t Jericho’s to take…….it belongs to Edge. Vocabulary words? Oh, as opposed to those non-vocabulary words. Because everyone apart from Jericho just grunts and makes clicking noises with their tongue?

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Edge proclaimed himself the sultan of Smackdown, in no uncertain terms. Which means someone else is about to come out and call HIS bluff, right? Right. So which, newly drafted, hunky, Chicago native would like to take on that role? Yep, you guessed it, CM PUNK. YEEEEEEAH! Oh my god. I know I don’t have any groinal feelings for Edge, but two outta three ain’t bad at all.  Quite frankly, with Punk and Jericho talking it out you’re lucky I can even concentrate long enough to keep my fingers on the keyboard.

Back to the new guy introductions……….welcome to Smackdown, honeys.

He reminded Edge that he took his title last year cashing in his Money in the Bank ticket to greatness. Jericho got up in Punk’s face, told him that nobody cares abooot what he has to say (love that accent), claimed he was the best in the world and suggested it would be in Punk’s best interest to skedaddle. Punk disregarded Jericho’s warning and Chris threw a girly hissy fit, called the audience recalcitrant frauds (Google it) and stormed out of the the ring gripping his imaginary, vintage,  floral clutch bag. Don’t be such a puss, Chris.

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Back in the ring, Punk attempted to speak again but Edge didn’t wanna hear it. He persevered anyway. Good for you, sweets. He made it absolutely clear that Smackdown was in a new era and that he would be fighting Edge that night, cashing in his Money in the Bank contract. YYYEEEEAAW! Bring it on! A quick tip for Punk before moving on….you need to lay off the oily hair mist. If you have fine hair it can make it a little too flat and greasy looking if you overuse it. Try a light serum before blowdrying.  You can show me the results next week. 😉

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All that was followed by a Shelton Benjamin match with John Morrison, where Morrison won. Backstage, Jericho has gotten so angry about being interrupted by Edge and Punk that he’s taken his top off while whining to Teddy Long. Well, I know that’s what I always do when I’m furious. Anyway, he’s interrupted again by the Great Khali, who I think might be one of the scariest dudes on the planet. Look at his C-shaped mug and listen to that warble he calls a voice. *shudder*.  Jericho thanked Khali for showing him some support and respect, but lost the plot again when he realised was actually telling him to get over himself. COMEDY JERICHO IS ON HIS WAY BAAAAACK! WOOHOO! Bout time too.

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Ok, all this bitchy fighting is lovely but can we have a match to hold our interest, please? Ah, a Fatal Fourway to decide who will contend for Edge’s title at Judgement Day. Fabulous.  We have Kane, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio. Great match – lots going on and it managed to hold my attention throughout. Anyway, after much high-flying shenanigans, Jeff pinned Rey to contest for the title at JD. Umm, hold on, I’m confused. Last I heard, Jeff had been persuaded to sign a new contract on the grounds that he had a lighter schedule so he could recover from his ‘burnout’. Now he’s in a PPV title match? Let that boy SLEEP for goodness sake.

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So it appears that Maria has fulfilled a lifelong ambition to launch her own clothing line.  I don’t know if I’m afraid to look or super-excited. As you know, I loves my fashion. But generally female wrestler clothes tend to be, well, how can I put this……trash? I mean, they’re costumes, right? It might work for them on TV but I can’t really see me rocking up at my office in a satin trimmed lace dress with my baps spilling out over the top.

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And I do like to support the Divas in their personal ventures, especially the ladies I like. I can only hope this zebra-print monstrosity in the background there is Teddy Long’s bath robe and not an item for sale at the Maria Kanellis Store. Eek!

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In more lessons in time wasting, Cryme Tyme came out and got two of the Divas to do a dance-off for them. Errrrm, what is the point of this shit? And why the hell did it get so much air time? I despair. I really do. Isn’t this supposed to be a WRESTLING show? First of all if you can’t dance like this…..

….you’re just pulling lap-dance moves..  And secondly, why weren’t they allowed to speak? Did they really need two boys to be mouthpieces for them? I think the week for me to write my long post in defence of the women of the WWE has arrived.

Moving on, this M.V.P and Sherri Shepherd thing is kind of lost on me.  All I really know of her is that she was Judy in Everybody Loves Raymond and that she’s on The View. I’m fully aware of The View.  I’ve seen it when I’ve been in America. And I’m sure it must shown on some satellite channel during the afternoon here, but I’ve got a job. Daytime TV ain’t really my thing. We have a ghastly, trashier, British version of The View called Loose Women, if you’re looking for some background noise to slash your wrists to.

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Anyway, what exactly IS the purpose of this storyline? Are M.V.P and SS actually a couple? Is the idea that bored housewives will start watching wrestling as a direct result of this? I know more than half of what I write about here relates to admiring the male form, but that’s not enough to sustain interest.  Unless you actually love wrestling, unless you get what it’s about, unless you understand the history and love it as a (partial) sport, you won’t stick around. If all the cute boys disappeared and we were left with the less attractive fellas, yeah, I’d be less aesthetically satisfied, but I’d never stop watching. Wow! I DO have it in me to be serious.  What a voyage of self-discovery I’m on. Maybe I should be on The View.

At least Sherri Shepherd got in to the spirit and put her acting skills to good use. She was pretty convincing.

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After much theatrics, M.V.P won against Ziggler and retained his American belt, taking it to Raw from tonight.

Meanwhile backstage, Chris Jericho is still trying to find a single person willing to show him some respect. No dice. Teddy Long walked away without comment and John Morrison dared to dub Jericho a quitter. Jericho bitch-slapped Morrison and an outright catfight ensued. This forced carefully  placed random staffers to prise them apart and left CM Punk to whistle his way through the chaos.

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After what feels like a particularly long SD, we’ve gone full circle and are back where we started with Punk and Edge fighting it out. In this week’s CROTCH WATCH, my guy has plumped for the black shorts with fuchsia pink stars. Phew! That leaves me free to concentrate on the actual athletics, which were awesome by the way. Much like Orton and M.V.P on Raw, they complimented each other. And I figured that, unlike on Raw, there was nobody to run in and ruin it.  Errr, yah. Punk won the first match, declared he was cashing in his MitB opportunity and…..out of nowhere Umaga bounded in and beat Punk up. WHHHHYYYYYY? What’s HIS beef?

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But events carried on twisting. Edge rose to feet and was about to batter Punk some more with his very own briefcase when HE was beaten up by Jeff Hardy, the number one contender at JD. I didn’t know where to look next. But look, Jeff is smiling! I haven’t seen Jeff smile in ages. Awwww. Baaaaabe.*hugs*

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