I’m having to interrupt my lengthy Backlash recap to swing my arm back and give a big hard bitch-slap to those two fools over on that other wrestling comedy blog. You know the ones. And I was just getting in to a rhythm on the Backlash thing too. I was telling a tale about CM Punk’s sweat patches. Serious, hard-nosed journalism.
Despite my offer of free-love, Adam and Matt have opted to continue the scrap. They claim to have infiltrated my bunker (no, that’s not a euphemism) and have allegedly stolen my plans for the week. Poor effort, guys. On so many levels.
First of all, did you say you had a college education? Obviously neither of you have a degree in geography. You’ve seen me mention many a-time that I’m from Cardiff. YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. Cardiff is NOT in England. Cardiff is the capital of WALES. In fact, the most offensive thing you could have done is call me English, and you didn’t even realise. The United Kingdom is made up of four regions: Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England. A diagram is required, I think.
Last time I had to give that geography lesson I was giving a guest talk on Great Britain to 5th graders in a New Jersey elementary school. For real.
Anyone with a dash of smarts could see that my supposed ‘To Do List’ is bogus. Reasons include:
- I would not discuss, braid the hair of, or draw anything horse and pony related. I had a terrifying experience with a horse that nearly trampled me as a child. They’re not my favourite animal. And I did not send in a Trojan horse to spy on and attack you either, if that’s what you’re implying. I wouldn’t be that obvious. I knows my Greek Mythology Orlando Bloom movies.
- That is a piss-poor attempt at sketching a pony. Seriously, nobody would believe my art skills are that awful. It’s got devil horns for ears and its body seems to resemble a coffee table.
- I haven’t braided my hair since I was about 11 years old.
- I am yet to see you prove that I stole your precious photo of Dave B. I don’t NEED your ideas. I’ve got plenty of my own. I haven’t seen you compare Edge to Hamlet lately. Now THAT’S some cultured shit.
- I had to Google ‘Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper’ to find out what it actually was. I am a sophisticated young woman. Do you REALLY think anyone would believe I own something this saccharine? Puh-lease.
Besides, even if I WERE to write anything I didn’t want you to see, I’d keep it in my Sheldon the Turtle Keyper from 1985. And I’m keeping the key in a place nobody will find it.
- You’ve used my obsession with tea drinking to fool readers in to believing this list belongs to me. Hardly a unique trait being that all British people are obsessed with tea. Had you said ‘Drink tea from a John Cena cup’, might have been more convincing.
Really, I’m impressed you went to the trouble of opening Microsoft Paint to knock that up. But you’ll have to get up earlier in the morning to get one over on me. And you’re already at a disadvantage, what with me living in the future and all.
You’re doubting my name is really Ray? I’ve already SAID it’s a shortened version of my full name. I think you’re just pissed off because you tried to add me as a friend on Facebook and couldn’t find me. Awww, if you wanna be friends that bad you should just have SAID something. I can email you my full name so you can find me on FB. The offer is there. Do with it what you will.
PS> I noticed you ‘took my lead’ on the whole make-up thing in your Backlash recap. I believe my Smackdown review had a cosmetics thread too. I’m flattered. Really. Just make sure you put my credits at the end of your post, ok? Cheers, lovelies.