Smackdown(Lite) Broken Men

I’ve kind of run out of time this week. The WWE Draft takes place on a special 3-hour Raw tonight and I haven’t even reviewed Friday’s Smackdown yet. Boo-hoo. Don’t question me. I have very valid reasons, ok?

In general, most of the superstars seemed a little worn out. Fair play, they had that long Wrestlemania weekend where they were pretty much on duty 24/7. Then Raw, live, on Monday. Then the taping of ECW and Smackdown on Tuesday. The boyz and girlz iz sleepy. And kind of broken. So, I’ll just pick out the real stand-out moment from Smackdown, Edge, a truly broken man.

When he first appeared, perched on his bar-stool in the middle of the ring, I thought he was going to burst in to song. I was expecting him to  seranade us with One For My Baby, light up a cigarette and slam his empty scotch tumbler on the bar. If, that is, there was an actual bar there.

What he actually told an unsympathetic crowd, was that he hadn’t slept in a week and that he was crushed by the fact that his title had been stolen from him by everyone’s Mr. Wonderful – John Cena.  You know what? Edge doesn’t get enough credit when he pulls this stuff. He’s so good, I don’t think the audience realises just how well he’s acting. Although, I’m pretty sure those bags under his eyes are as genuine as the suitcases under mine.

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As amazing as Edge is at making the crowd hate his guts, John Cena is just as brilliant at getting the crowd to lick his….err….wristbands. Out comes my lovely, smiling, ray of sunshine …..peacocking about with his new bling. OOooOoOorgh! Your lips look gorgeous tonight, John. But, ahem, that has nothing to do with the segment, just an observation.

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Moving on…… things start to get a little dark. Damn, Adam. You’re so good at this. Adam Edge tells John how he has no purpose without his Heavyweight title. How, stealing his golden life preserver has left him adrift and how he brought Cena out to let him know just how broken he was feeling. John and the crowd weren’t buying it and he RSVP’d with a slow, precise, perfectly timed……

“Get over yourself, Edge! You, lost, at Wrestlemania.”

SWOOOOOOOOOOOON! But that was just the beginning.

John dragged his stool in a little closer, after being told that he ruined Edge’s life, and got serious. I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE when John gets really serious. He drops ‘Brand Cena’ and seems like a real person. The meeting of their two opposite characters was, as usual, awesome. Edge, so shaken and desperate, John, so controlled and secure. John gave Edge a speech that left him, well, speechless. And as he went to walk away this beautifully manic piece of psychological tennis ensued:

“I hate you. I HATE YOU! Hate. Hate is a strong word but it sums up everything I feel for you Cena. I hate your hat, I hate your t-shirts, I hate your wristbands, I hate your shoes, I hate your music, I hate the C-Nation, I hate everything that you stand for.”

vlcsnap-7212963-copyCheck out that under-eye luggage.  You need an icy flannel and some rest, darling.

But oh no….fuck yeah…..J-to-tha-C’s about to lose his rag. Time to put a stop to flaky Edge with a big, definite NOOOOOOOOO!”

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The crowd, at this point, are totally sucked in. And so am I. John gets a lot of shit for being Mr. Corporate. Sometimes it is easy to forget he’s where he is because he’s a nice little package of everything. John’s next little ‘moment’ seals the deal for me. Take it away baby………

“You, you may be a better wrestler than me. You may be smarter than me. You may know how to use your opportunities and resources to get you a championship but I look in to your eyes right now I know you’re desperate. You’re grabbing at straws. You’re tired. You’re exhausted. A last man standing match. A LAST MAN STANDING MATCH? Edge, that is a match based on PUNISHMENT. And I can look in your eyes right now and know I’m telling the damn truth when I tell you I’M TOUGHER THAN YOU. That is why IIIIII will be the last man standing, that is WHYYYY YOOOOU. HATE. ME.”

Holy mother of god. I think I’ma gunna faint from over-stimulation. Someone pass me the smelling salts. And an icy flannel of my own. *Southern Belle Accent* I do declare, Mr. Cena, that I am a little overcome with the tumultuous events of the evening. Would you please be a gentleman and escort me back to my chambers, sir? *wink*

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Oh….and just in case you were wondering………………….

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“It’s not the hat….it’s not the wristbands….. it’s not the t-shirt, it’s not the dog-tags, IT’S THE TRUTH! Because you think about all those matches we’ve had, you think about every time we’ve beat the hell out of each other, every time you’ve ran back at hit me with everything you had….and then WATCHED. ME. GET. BACK. UP. You hate me? You hate me so bad and it’s gotta come to an end? You wanna end it, end it RIGHT NOW! COME ON!”

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At this point I passed out from extreme passion OVERLOAD. Luckily, I recorded the show so I was able to watch the rest of it afterwards. After much posturing and shirt removal, a demoralised Edge left the ring without harming a hair on Cena’s head. I went somewhere to catch my breath.

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You know what, I could have just posted a link to this on youtube, but then I wouldn’t be a writer, would I? If you do want to watch it, and I recommend you do, click here for part 1 and then here for part 2.

Enjoy the draft, guys. I’ll catch ya on the flip side. Yo!

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