Unreal – In The Truest Possible Sense

Snooki from Jersey Shore was on Raw. Woah! And she’s going to be in a match at Wrestlemania. Double-woah! I realise there are people who think I should be using ‘woe’, and I won’t pretend it’ll be anything close to match of the year, but every Wrestlemania needs an attention-seeking celebrity guest to bring in the masses, right? Think Floyd Mayweather, Cyndi Lauper, Mike Tyson, Donald Trump…..the list goes on. I don’t really watch Jersey Shore. I would love to give you some high-brow, intelligent reason for why, but the genuine reason is that it’s the kind of inane trash I get addicted to and hate myself for wasting my life watching afterwards. So I have watched Jersey Shore, but I try not to.

The thing that surprised me about Snooki’s appearance on Raw wasn’t that she was actually very good, but that people were surprised that she pulled it off at all. The only misstep is that she hasn’t been teamed up with LayCool. That girl’s a heel if ever I saw one. Still, the whole point of the Wrestlemania celeb is that the crowd are on their side. We’ve mentioned before that wrestling and reality TV are bedfellows. Wrestling is as hyperreal as Jersey Shore. They’re both full of over-tanned, over-acting egos who blow-up at the tiniest sense of friction, pretending all along that it’s not pre-planned or scripted. The only real difference is that wrestling doesn’t hide the fact that that’s exactly what it is. Jersey Shore, The Hills, The City – all manufactured. But MTV would prefer if you didn’t know that, or at least, didn’t think about it.

Snooki stepping up to to Michelle McCool, then launching herself at Layla before arranging a future fight against LayCool and Dolph, flanked by Trish Stratus and John Morrison –  it’s all in a day’s work for this kid. It’s the kind of thing she does every day!

You see? Spot the wrestling! If there’s one thing I do know though, it’s that Melina had a little word in Snooki’s ear before she started ‘working’ with Morrison. No smushy-smushy-time, ya get me?

While we’re at it, Chris Jericho will be amazing on Dancing with the Stars for the same reason. It’s that whole ‘telling a story with your body’ thing. And before everyone starts with their ‘Hmm, wrestling and ballroom dancing are alike, aren’t they?’ posts, we beat you to it by about two years...here. Also here. What is wrestling if not an elaborate sequence of choreography where the tiniest deviation requires quick thinking to gracefully pull things back and make the slip a part of the performance? That’s before we even get to the spangly, skin-tight outfits and yet more over-tanning.

When I found out Chris Jericho was going to be on Dancing with the Stars I wasn’t that excited. This is largely due to the fact that Dancing with the Stars is the televisual poor relation of Strictly Come Dancing, the British and original version of the show. To be fair, they’ve stayed pretty faithful to the original. The set, the theme music, some of the judges and even a couple of the pro dancers are the same. But it just doesn’t feel right.

That all changed when the Sidekick showed me Jericho’s training video. I was warned beforehand to “Practice my ‘I’ve got a crush on Jericho’ face.” It’s something along these lines:

Not actually me. Although I have got a cardigan that colour.

Really though, hasn’t everyone got a permanent crush on Chris Jericho? There are very few wrestlers who everyone loves unconditionally, but Jericho’s definitely in that exclusive group. Who else would you put inside that fence? So, after deciding I wouldn’t cover his dancing antics on this blog, it took about 30 seconds of Jericho’s training video to change my mind. I’m a sucker. I’d say he’s about to rumba his way into my heart, but he’s already there anyway. I’ll do my very best to keep up. It’ll be tricky getting access to the shows from over here but I’ll pull some strings. I’m getting giddy already! Let’s watch again……

 

 

 

……and if you just can’t get enough of Chris Jericho, you can enter our second birthday giveaway to win a copy of his new book, among other wonderful prizes. Click here to enter your details. Only one more week to go!

The World is Watching

Two wrestlers dressed as ancient Egyptians hypnotise their opponents and breakdance in the middle of the ring. Meanwhile an overweight and bearded wrestler strips down to his underwear and shimmies at ringside to the cry of “That’s the most illegal thing I’ve seen in the history of wrestling!” from the commentary team.

By now, being a wrestling fan, there’s a good chance you are one of the almost 900,000 people who know exactly what I’m referring to. However, on the off chance that you’re not, here’s the video in question:

Seriously, it’s bizarre (and not inconsiderably heart-warming) how this has suddenly blown up. And not just with wrestling fans: from ESPN.com to Boss Lady Ray’s not-so-secret crush Josh Grogan’s twitter account, this video has well and truly gone viral. So, as part of our new “indy and boring” policy, I just wanted to give you a very brief introduction to the Osirian Portal. First a slight disclaimer: this video is from a CZW show called Cage of Death, but the Osirian Portal are primarily a CHIKARA-based tag team. I can’t in all honesty recommend that you should buy a CZW DVD- the word “Death” in the title of this show should give you a quick clue as to what their usual matches consist of.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer incompentent bank robber

That out of the way, and now that you know you should buy CHIKARA DVDs to watch Osirian Portal matches, who are they? And why is that guy dressed like a snake?

Essentially, and you might have to bear with me slightly here, they are Amasis (a time-displaced Egyptian pharoah) and Ophidian (his anthropomorphic cobra protector.) Look, we never said CHIKARA made much sense did we?

On their official MySpace they have forced their slave to post a brief bio (obviously being from the past they are not computer literate)

These great men hail from the last great dynasty of egypt. That Dynasty is the 26th one which is ruled by The Dance Sensation that Defeats all Nations, Amasis. The snake that accompanies him is his right hand man, Ophidian. Created by Osiris to be his Personal Hitman, Ophidian battles with a serpentine style that has never been seen by mankind. With the Portal Of Osiris(Its what they use to travel through time) in this Duo’s hand, nothing can stop them from being the only men to conquer the Past, Present, and Future! Chikara, Professional Wrestling, America, Egypt, The World, Can you dig it!!!!!!!

They're also confused by fast food

Originally appearing as despised heels, they soon became fan favourites thanks to antics such as the breakdancing and hypnosis we’ve all seen now. They were joined for a time by a 6’5″ Egyptian sent by Osiris called Escorpion Egipcio – but quite frankly he was terrible and was soon let go. After teaming with Wrestlegasm favourite Sara Del Rey (kind of) and Drake Younger The Portal have officially added a third member known as Hieracon and with this new found publicity look set to take the nest step to world domination. Hopefully this will also help shine a spotlight on CHIKARA as a whole, and anything that does that can only be a good thing.

misty watercoloured memories

Let’s take a moment to consider Randy Orton.

raor

He’s bronzed to the eyeballs, has thighs seemingly carved from granite and cheekbones to die for. He’s mean, moody, has megalomaniac tendencies and gives off an all encompassing stench of hatred. To quote Jerry Lawler, “Somehow, evil isn’t meant to look this good.” You got that right, Jez.

How soon we forget the young, cheeky boy who flirted with cougars and had a sense of humour. So it was the sense of humour of a dumbass frat boy, but at least he had one. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh. I can hardly shun him for having the SoH of an 18 year old boy if I share it. It’s tough being a class-a heel. One is expected to wallow in their world domination plans without even the tiniest flicker of a smile unless it relates directly to said world domination.

Last week this slice of YouTube goodness fell into my lap and I couldn’t help but share. Thanks to the young man who sent it to me. You are a scholar and a gent. As with Mickie, Punk and Jericho’s forays in to the glorious world of Grease karaoke, go and watch Randy pump that iron, then come back to me.

I seem to have developed Orton-Amnesia. I totally forgot he used to be a sleaze, taking two ladies of a certain age to the gym (along with awesome tough-girl Jacqui). I will admit that sometimes when I’m in the gym I use some pleasant wrestle-based visualisations to squeeze out those last few chest flies. But if I actually had Randy overseeing my activities and reminding me to “Really put the emphasis on that CHEST!!!!” I’d have to ask him to step out of my eyeline for a few. No, Randy. Your face pressing in to my ear is not a stress reliever. It just makes me hyperventilate.

Asking the ladies to grab a little higher on his thighs? Well, if you insist. Count his abs? Yeah, sure. Can’t do more than six reps because the ladies of St. Louis rely on his endurance levels? Ok, now you’re just sounding like The Miz but without the great comedy timing. But what probably seals the sleazy deal is when he asks his radio contest winner not just if she feels the burn, but wheeeere she feels the burn. Torturous! Randy, now you’re just playing twister with their oestrogen levels.

I have to say though, the DJ lady is obviously a regular gym-goer. Very impressive arms, Monica. Vicky, the contest winner, claims never to have stepped inside a gym before. Bullshit!  Unless she does some other kind of bicep developing sport, she’s telling porkies. You don’t get a nice little bicep bump like that out of nowhere. I know. I try and usually fail.

You know, maybe badass Randy isn’t so bad after all. Sculpted and grumpy beats sleazy but cheery any day of the week.

girliest post ever. sue me.

I may have taken a beating from my supposed comedy allies yesterday, pffft, but I also received a brilliant gift from one of Wrestlegasm’s loyal footsoldiers, Jenna.  Whenever you’re down, there’s always something on YouTube to turn things around. This arrived in my inbox wrapped in a pretty pink bow. Watch it. Then come back to me.

REASONS THIS VIDEO SHOWERED ME IN SPARKLY HAPPY DUST:

  • It includes the man I’d like to spend the night with (in the biblical sense) – CM Punk.
  • He’s dancing.
  • He’s singing.
  • It includes the woman I’d like to be – Mickie James.
  • She’s dancing.
  • She’s singing.
  • It includes the man I’d like to spend the night with (in the ‘drinking and telling old stories til the sun comes up’ sense) – Chris Jericho
  • He’s dancing.
  • He’s singing.
  • They’re singing a song from a MUSICAL. I love musicals. In my head I am Elphaba to Kristin Chenoweth’s Glinda.
  • Mickie’s singing sounds about as tuneful as my singing. Which explains why I’m only a Broadway star in my head.
  • Punk  doesn’t know the words or the melody to one of the most well known pop/musical songs of all time, which proves that he truly is a boy of rock.
  • Ironically Chris Jericho, who is in an actual rock band, knows every single word and rescues Punk when the karaoke machine dies. Jericho clearly played Danny Zuko in his high school’s Christmas production of Grease and loved every second of it. Jericho, you old ham. Stop making me love you.
  • Mickie James manages to look cute AND hot at the same time. Damn you, Mickie James. It’s the holy grail of female dressing.
  • Punk swears like a trooper at the end. Which should not appeal to an intelligent woman, and yet, when HE effs and blinds, it sounds cool. Shoot me!
  • Just generally it’s sweet to see them all enjoying themselves. Don’t get me wrong, Punk and Jericho are incredible heels. But it’s nice to see them smile when it’s not at the end of sermon about the evils of prescription drugs or a declaration that everyone is gelatinous.

Ah, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now. I might just go and watch Grease, do my best Olivia Newton John impression and pretend CM Punk is my Danny.

“You bett-er shape up, ’cause I neeeed a maaaa-ann. And my heeeeeart is set on yoooou!”