We figured it had been a while since we started a new regular feature at Wrestlegasm.com, and this one popped into our minds by way of serendipity. Every week we’ll each be scanning through the wrestling happenings and dedicating a song to someone who’s had a particularly eventful one. Imagine we’re giving them apt entrance music just for one week.
BOSS LADY RAY:
I’ve got the blues. Not because I lost the Royal Rumble predictions. That was expected. And not because this week’s depressing episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding was the most tragic yet. I’m sat on a bar stool and blowing into a harmonica on a dark, empty stage because my beloved Matt Striker has been removed from Smackdown commentary. He’s been removed from commentary for BOOKER bloody T, who growled his way through Smackdown with the finesse of a bulldozer this week.
I’m crushed. Thank god I remembered to watch Superstars this morning or I’d have been Striker-less for the whole weekend. When someone sent me a mid-week tweet that I wouldn’t like the latest episode of Smackdown, I figured it would just be some storyline I’d be unhappy about and requested no spoilers. Then the Sidekick started hinting that he was worried about watching SD with me. I was perplexed and asked to know what had happened. He told me. I repeat… crushed.
In a normal week I’d just assume he’s having a holiday or working on another project for a couple of weeks. But you see, this is not a normal week. The night of the Rumble, after I finally stopped staring at the ceiling at 6:00am, I fell asleep and had a dream. I dreamt that Matt Striker was leaving wrestling because nobody took him seriously. We spoke about it and I tried to talk him out of it because, you know, he’s my mentor. Then he invited me to his leaving party, which happened to be a black-tie event. I got all dolled up, arrived at the party and got upset when I saw him. So he danced with me to talk to me about why he had to leave. The rest is a little more….romantic, so I’ll leave it there. But it’s rather spooky that I dreamt he was leaving, then he gets taken off Smackdown. I definitely can’t tell you about the second Striker dream I had a couple of nights ago. It makes excellent TV in my mind though.
The only thing keeping me going at the moment is the assumption that they’re moving Matt to Raw to take Lawler’s place while he has his title run against the Miz. Pray for me, because if that’s not the case I’ll have to start watching NXT again. Now that’s love and devotion. My song for Striker is one that I’m sure he will approve of. It also sums up my mood after watching a Striker-free Smackdown.
I almost feel bad for this, as Kelly has come on leaps and bounds recently. This weeks Smackdown main event was a really fun match and she really showed just how well she and the other divas can do given half a chance. Unfortunately however, there’s more to Sports Entertainment than just the “Sports” bit, and that’s where Kelly falls down. From her backstage segments with Drew McIntyre to her crying after being sacked on Friday: there is only one song that helps describe this situation
After watching her “outstanding” acting before the match, and witnessing her incessant, and frankly unnerving, screaming during it, myself and the Boss Lady were struck by the though of how horrific a Kelly Kelly sex scene would be. Imagine for a second that the WWE started making more risque movies, and she had to pretend to be in the throes of passion? A Kelly Kelly sex scene would surely put the infamous pool scene in Showgirls to shame.
Anyway, there you are Kelly, the somewhat dubious honour of being my first “Song For Whoever” recipient. Hope you enjoy the song, I saw Terrorvision on their “last ever gigs” in 2007 and they were amazing, but they’re filthy liars and are still going strong. If you take anything away from all this though, I would hope that it is the realisation that if I keep mentioning a “Kelly Kelly sex scene” we’ll get a few more hits for the blog.