I’ve been getting a steady stream of requests for a new edition of Crotch Watch for some time. I, in turn, have promised to write it and have (predictably) failed. Nothing to do with the subject matter, you understand. Although, being a first class pervert requires far more effort than one might imagine. I have just been rather busy. I spent a few weeks in USAville, then I had a spot of jetlag over Christmas week, then I was overcome by the spirit of a Victorian lady, then I had lounging in my PJs til lunch time to do, and sale shopping, then I had a new Xbox 360 Elite to play, then I had to travel to West Wales to spend NYE with family and friends, then I got back into town on the coldest train ever on Friday and…… you get the idea.
By the way, Happy New Decade! I spent New Year’s Eve on a pub crawl in Tenby and spent New Year’s Day filling my lungs with clean, fresh, ocean air on a very chilly beach, where I collected shells and pebbles and wrote topical, thought-provoking messages in the wet sand.
The air was so pure out West that my body didn’t know what to do with itself. Even though the whole of South Wales was covered in ice and snow, and even though it was very late by the time I got back to the city, I strapped myself to a skateboard, grabbed on to the back bumper of my neighbours’ car and sucked on their exhaust pipe while they drove around the block to replenish all the toxins pushed out by the healthy seaside air. Return to city life complete. Anyway, you don’t care about any of this, do you? I mean, I could tell you about my New Year’s Resolutions, but as Mercury is retrograde I’m delaying finalising my resolutions until it begins moving forward again and until the second lunar eclipse has passed. Look to the skies, people.
Now, let’s start the year as we mean to go on and objectify men who run around in their under-crackers. There hasn’t been an official Crotch Watch in ages but my Hell in a Cell recap was an interim edition so it hasn’t been that long. We should probably start with my Crotch Watching muse, CM Punk, who inspires perversion without even trying that hard. I mean, he even wore seasonal trunks for Halloween.
I was getting worried about our CM. That semi-religious tip he’s been on lately has been killing my buzz. But just as I was losing hope, that hairy horn-beast whipped out his infamous lavender trunks and dragged me back in. And before anyone tries to argue with me, yes, I know they look a bit grey and washed out but they definitely ARE the lavender trunks.
As I mentioned, I am now the proud owner of this plastic chest of magic known as the Xbox and I was thrilled see that the virtual CM Punk wears said lavender trunks in his Smackdown vs Raw 2010 matches. Or at least the ones I’ve played so far. Game on! And before leaving Mr. Punk alone….. to start the year off with a bang, Punk wore his black and white tanga briefs on the New Year’s Day episode of Smackdown.
Staying with Smackdown, either John Morrison’s narcissism has reached such heights that he’s taken to plastering his face over his junk, or, he’s trying to cover up something he doesn’t want us to look at. To be honest, most faces are prettier than junk, so if you’re going to cover it up with someone’s face you might as well make it a beautiful one. If that happens to be your own face? Lucky (genetically blessed) you.
Let’s shift brands and head to ECW. Now that this blog covers ECW activities I should touch base with those ‘extreme’ boys. Oh and if you’re wondering what’s happened to Andrew’s ECW recaps, have no fear, as soon as Christmas is over and he’s finished assembling all the toys Father Christmas left for his kiddies, he’ll be back in the WG office. I’ve given him a few weeks off to enjoy his kids. I know I’m a bit grumpy at times but I’m not Ebenezer Scrooge to Andrew’s Bob Cratchit, ya know. Anyway, Andrew seems rather taken with Shelton Benjamin’s package. He mentions it often and appears to have developed an inferiority complex. Not being in any way familiar with Andrew’s family jewels, I couldn’t possibly give an opinion, so we’ll just take his word for it and let Shelton take the floor.
And while we’re with ECW…..
The boy just needs to make a decision. He should resolve to go one way or the other in 2010. There’s no sitting on the fence when it comes to lower-body lycra. Choose your level of exposure and run with it. Although, if you go with high exposure, run with care.
Lots has changed in the WWE since the last Crotch Watch. I mean, who would have thought Sheamus would be a main eventer on the flagship show so soon? Even more shocking is his appearance in Crotch Watch. Don’t misunderstand. My interest in his groinal area lies purely in the fact that a man of Celtic heritage has the WWE Championship belt wrapped around it. I have no interest in exploring below the belt, so to speak; but I take note of wrestle trunks with any form of wording on them. Now that he’s ascended to the top of the food chain, Sheamus has sewn himself some home-style trunks with ‘LAOCH’ written across the crotch.
Apparently, it’s Gaelic for ‘Warrior’. I’d honour my Welsh heritage by having ‘RHYFELWRAIG’ stitched across my wrestling outfit, but I don’t think it would fit across my wrestle-knickers. It’s kind of a long word, as is the norm in the Welsh language. We have the longest place-name in the world, you know.
Sticking with the flagship, The Miz’s transfer from puffy pedal-pushers to trunks is now complete, and to celebrate he now wraps his stuff in a delightful shade of mauve for special occasions.
And just in case you haven’t been keeping up with your ‘wrestlers on Twitter’ during the holiday season, you might like to know that Ted DiBiase Jr is now spamming plugs for his new movie on Twitter at regular intervals. There are but a few professions where walking around in such little clothing is totally natural, nay, expected. But even wrestlers wish they could pull on a pair of thermals to keep the frost from biting their bits from time-to-time.
Don’t worry, Teddy. Just make that layer of baby oil extra thick and that greasy film will keep your skin warm and supple while walking around outside in your knickers. So I hear. Unless Ted was less worried about feeling the cold and more concerned with showing the cold. Understandable stood next to Randy Orton.
At this point I would normally do a little Divas fashion bit, but I can’t be bothered. So, here’s a nostalgic video sent to me by one of the Wrestlegasm faithful. You know that theory that news anchors don’t wear trousers under the news-desk? I like to think Matt Striker does the same behind the announce table. Until I prove that theory, I’ll just watch old videos of when Striker was a wrestler. Watch and enjoy, you bunch of disgusting crotch watchers. You really should be ashamed of yourselves.
All my love for 2010,
Ray – Your trusty enabler xx