summerslam: pictures speak louder than words

Before we hand over to (fake)Matt Striker for the Summerslam recap, a quick apology for the lack of Summerslam build-up on the blog. We had a couple of comments about it and while we’re flattered that you missed our commentary, please try to keep in mind that we run this blog for fun in our spare time. Sometimes real life just doesn’t allow for blogging time, which I guarantee you frustrates us as much as it does you. Once we’ve finished redesigning the layout, we’re also making a couple of changes to the way we recap events, so that should make it much easier to manage. We’ll tell you more about that once we’ve finished giving the site its makeover. For now, we’ll pass the laptop over to the Honourary Dean of Wrestlegasm to cover all the incredible twists and turns which took place in LA on Sunday night. Enjoy!

===============================

Hellooooooo! Matt Striker here once again to bring you all the news from the biggest and best party of the summer, Summerslam 2010. The WWE took over the City of Angels for the whole weekend and oh baby did we have a great time. Thank you, Los Angeles. Now, without further ado….LET’S RIP IT UP!

Wow. LA really agrees with my complexion.

The greatest love story of the year, the enviable romance between Dolph Ziggler and the beautiful Vickie Guerrero, was what greeted us on our first trip to the ring. I have to say, LA, you were a little rude to Smackdown’s official consultant. As the sweet sound of her voice filled the arena, you did nothing but boo. Not cool, guys. Not cool. Anyway, I’ll move on now. I know how my swooning over Vickie agitates my commentary colleagues. I just can’t help myself. Like I said during the show, she’s so hot and on her best days Vickie resembles Joan Jett stung by bees. Actually, that’s not as kind as I thought it was. We should move on quickly before she has me fired!  Vickie’s man, Dolph Ziggler, was defending his Intercontinental Championship against Kofi Kingston.

Dolph dominated the beginning of the match, but he was soon under the cosh of Kofi, who we’ve seen displaying a new kind of aggression on Smackdown these past few weeks. But sadly this match was cut short before it even got going. The power-hungry brood that is the Nexus invaded the ring and attacked our Smackdown guys, just for the sake of flexing their muscles in the faces of Team WWE.

All I can tell you is that this is most definitely not over for Kofi. The plot will undoubtedly thicken on this week’s Smackdown when he will surely demand another rematch. Keep watching, folks.

Next we had our sole Divas match; the champion Alica Fox vs the newly returned beauty Melina. Oh wow, did Melina make a spectacular entrance or what? Aye-aye-aye, if that’s not an outfit to rival any carnival queen from Rio De Janeiro, I don’t know what is.

As per usual, the crowd became a little silent during this match. But what can ya do, eh? For a moment during the match I held my breath as it looked like our feathered friend had injured the knee which kept our out of action for almost a year. Thankfully, she was able to evade Alicia’s attack with some clever Matrix moves, sliding her way back to being the Divas champion.

But that wasn’t the end of the story. Just as my broadcast colleague Josh Matthews stepped into the ring to interview the emotional Melina, those feisty young Smackdown phillies LayCool showed up to congratulate the new champ. So nice of them. Michelle McCool and my Little English Crumpet Layla just wanted to take some pictures with Melina and twitter them for everyone to see. That’s correct, right? Ray? [BOSS LADY RAY'S EDIT: It's 'tweet', Matthew. They wanted to tweet a picture.] Sadly for all those not watching the PPV, they didn’t get to see any snapshots as Melina kicked the phone out of Michelle’s hand quicker than they could say FLAAAAAAWLESSSS! A brawl ensued and LayCool left both Melina and the semi-conscious Alicia Fox on their backs and in trouble. If I were Jerry Lawler I’d make a lewd comment about that. But thankfully I’m not, so I won’t.

On we go and he’s baaaa-aaack! Yes, after weeks in a sling, CM Punk finally returned to Pay Per View action. More importantly, Ray can stop emailing me asking if he’s feeling better yet. This time around, it was about strength in numbers with all three male members of the SES taking on the Big Show.

The bad news for Punk was that Big Show eliminated both Luke Gallows and Joseph Mercury within just a few minutes, so he found himself the victim of several audible chests slaps. And they must have hurt even more than usual, what with the fact that he’d shaved his chest and had some awesome new tattoos penned across it. Hey, it’s my job to notice these things. The stricken disciples found their feet and helped their leader with the attack, but Punk soon decided he’d had enough and ran off with Serena, leaving Gallows and Mercury to fend for themselves.

Oh man. This might make things a little awkward on this week’s Smackdown.

Looking at my schedule for the matches, I was preparing myself for the Sheamus vs Randy Orton match when The Miz’s music started playing. All through the weekend I’d witnessed Team WWE sucking up and pandering to Miz, begging him to join the crew. It was sickening at times, but I understand their urgency to get him on board. After an excellent promo, which you should try watching if you weren’t lucky enough to see the show, Miz announced that he would join Team WWE for the main event, to mixed reactions from the crowd.

Lady to the left isn't happy, guy to the right is ecstatic.

As far as I was concerned, anyone who was willing to step up and defend the company which pays me and keeps me in nice jeans and spray-tans is OK by me. Now, let’s get to that WWE title match. I’m a huge fan of Sheamus, as I mentioned during the last PPV, so I was looking forward to seeing what the aggressive, fearless, combative Irishman had in store for us this time. Looking at the statistics, the odds were in Randy’s favour, so the match was an exciting prospect.

The last time I attempted to commentate on a Sheamus match, Jerry Lawler and myself got into a little tete-a-tete, shall we say. So, I decided to stay pretty quiet during this match and just do a Sudoku puzzle while occasionally glancing up and passing comment. It seemed to work. After many a broken 3-count and several failed attempts at applying their finishers, an exasperated Sheamus left the ring and returned promptly with a steel chair in hand. Randy won by disqualification, but as you know guys, the title cannot change hands on a DQ. After his initial annoyance at the match ending quickly, the red-head soon realised he was going home the champion.

But Randy wasn’t at all happy at losing the opportunity to win the title, so he ushered Sheamus over to our announce table and RKO’d him into the middle of next week. My main priority was saving my Sudoku puzzle from the gallons of sweat and baby oil it was about to be slathered with. Call me a perfectionist, but I cannot bear to leave them unfinished. The announce table survived, Randy left and Sheamus was left wondering which decade he was in.

Back to Smackdown with Kane vs Rey Mysterio for the World Heavyweight title. Rey Mysterio, ever the physical underdog, was determined to prove that he had nothing to do with the assault on the Undertaker over Memorial weekend. The eerie and macabre Kane wheeled a casket out to ringside, at which point my cell phone started burning up in my pocket with a stream of text messages from the Bunker, asking if I had any ‘insider info’ on whether the Undertaker was in the casket or not. I’m a little annoyed with Ray for repeating my response on Twitter:

At various points, both competitors had the upper hand, Rey in particular was desperate to end the match quickly, going in for covers at every possible opportunity. Things looked bleak for Rey when he found himself lying the casket, but he called upon that legendary tenacity and managed to get himself back in the ring before Kane could take advantage of his vulnerable position. The comeback wasn’t to last. A couple of minutes later and Kane had slammed Rey into the mat and had claimed the match. Kane had vowed to dump Rey in the casket, so he marched over to it in preparation. It’s not often I say this, but sometimes pictures speak louder than words:

Wowwwwwwww! The Deadman is indeed BACK! But Kane saw to it that he’d have no further part to play in the show. I don’t know about you, but I cannot WAIT to see what happens next.

Finally we reached our main event. A whole hour had been set aside to allow all 14 men to play their part, but Team WWE had one more surprise up their sleeve. You see, John Cena didn’t feel comfortable waiting for Miz to accept the invitation to join the team so late. They needed a definite yes from someone they could rely on. But who?

THE AMERICAN DRAGON ARRIVED AT SUMMERSLAM!!! What an incredible moment. Of course, if all you computer nerds had been logged on to WWE.COM an hour earlier you would have seen the unforgivable technological faux pas committed by one of the techie guys. Bryan’s profile and the story of his return had been posted before he even appeared on the ramp. Uh-oh. Someone in online services is in deeeeeep trouble. Hey, we all make mistakes. Let’s see how this epic and much-anticipated match ended up.

Team WWE got off to a great start, with Bryan and Morrison eliminating Darren Young and Michael Tarver respectively. Skip Sheffield narrowed the gap for Nexus when he got rid of both Morrison and R-Truth in quick succession. Bret Hart was disqualified for daring to use a chair, Edge speared Skip Sheffield out of the match and, well, things are kind of a blur after that. People were being eliminated all over the place and Michael Cole started acting like a complete ass. His personal vendetta against Daniel Bryan totally coloured his view of the match. As I yelled at him on Sunday, you root for the name on the front of the jersey, not the back. It doesn’t matter which guys make it happen, as long as the team wins.

By this point of the match it was two-on-two, with Wade Barrett and Justin Gabriel against Daniel Bryan and John Cena. But Bryan was the victim of a vicious sneak attack by a bitter Miz and he was soon dispensed of by Wade Barrett. From here it was all down to John Cena. I’ll be honest, I thought it was all over when Barrett splattered the face of the WWE all over the ground. But no. Cena managed to roll away from Justin Gabriel’s 450 Splash and pin him before he had time to catch his breath, leaving just John Cena and Wade Barrett to finish the match. I’ll cut this very long story short and, well, if you want to know who won, just look at how excited I am here:

TEAM WWE WINSSSSS!

So there goes another Summerslam in the can. What a weekend. I’ll see you in a few more weeks for Night of Champions. Oh and by the way, I don’t know who this guy thinks he is, but we need to talk!

Later, kids.