2011: The Year Punk Broke – Money in the Bank Predictions

Yes, Punk, we’ll get to you soon, you wonderful man…

Sidekick Andrew: But first, let’s get this out of the way. As you may have noticed, we’re big fans of women’s wrestling here in the Bunker. However, even we’re struggling to build up any enthusiasm for this match. Kelly Kelly was essentially given the title thanks to her appearance in the FHM “Top 100 Bland Looking Ladies That Teenage Boys Fantasise About” List, and Brie has very little going for her as a wrestler. As a brief appearance on the arm of some C-List celebrity that nobody outside the US has ever heard of? Fine. In a title match at a PPV? Shocking idea…

In fact, despite actually making the effort to keep up with the WWE over the last couple of weeks, I had no idea what this feud was about (other than the title of course.) Thankfully, Boss Lady Ray is much more knowledgable than I and was happy to fill me in. Apparently “they’re building this storyline around bullying again. Kelly’s too skinny.” Now, ignoring the fact that this is another bullying story line based around two heels making fun of Kelly Kelly, there is a certain amount of hypocrisy in the Bellas calling anyone too skinny, I mean… they’re hardly what you could describe as Rubenesque.

I’m going to pick Kelly Kelly to get the win and retain the belt. While she’s never going to be on the level of Beth Phoenix or Sara Del Rey she does at least seem to have improved recently. Plus I never want to see a Bella with a belt again.

Boss Lady Ray: Really, WWE? REALLY? Pathetic. I think Andrew’s said it all and nobody needs another rant on the portrayal of women from me today, so I’ll just go with Kelly to avoid giving this lame storyline any kind of approval.

Sidekick Andrew: This will either be a really fun brawl or an embarrassing mess, although given the way Henry has turned himself around recently I’m going to hope for the former. The Mark Henry heel turn has been really fun to watch, and combined with his weight loss and new-found enthusiasm I’m suddenly in a very strange place where I quite fancy seeing him have a title run.

As such, I think Henry will win this one, leading to him feuding for the title soon with whoever has it by then. He’s the most imposing “monster” on the roster at the moment, especially with Kane’s recent emo phase crying to Teddy Long, and I do enjoy a monster heel champion.

Boss Lady Ray: I agree, I think Henry’s got this one. I’m rather proud of how Mark Henry has turned himself around and got himself back on everyone’s front page. Good for him. The match, I imagine, will just be the two of them knocking lumps out of each other for twenty minutes, but hey, everyone loves a massive brawl from time-to-time. I just hope Mark Henry isn’t allowed to design his own merchandise if he becomes WWE champ again.

Just...wow.

Sidekick Andrew: Meh… I still find Orton boring and I’ve never been the biggest Christian fan (I know, I know… internet blasphemy) so I’m not necessarily that interested in this match. At the very least this should be a pretty good match, I’m just not that bothered who wins.

I’m thinking this will be the beginning of the end of this feud, and Orton will win to retain the belt. The extra stipulations that Christian added to the match (If Orton gets disqualified or the referee makes a “bad call”, Christian automatically wins the title) rather ironically help to cement this decision. Give a face more odds to overcome and chances are he’ll find a way to do it.

I should mention that at this point in our discussions I noticed a strange, almost dream-like quietness settle over Boss Lady Ray. While I am admittedly quite boring company, I did find this slightly strange until I realised that Smackdown was showing an old Punk vs Mysterio match at the time and Punk just happened to be wearing the Boss Lady’s favourite lavender trunks.

How could I compete?

Boss Lady Ray: Aww. I think you’ll find I was watching the TV and talking at the same time. I’m a woman! I can multi-task! And actually, I was merely observing how different Punk looks these days with short hair and a moustache. *shifty-eyes*

The Orton/Christian feud had the potential to be huge, but the Punk story has picked up such astonishing momentum it’s overshadowed every other story in the company. It’s also amazing how little people still care about what happens to Christian now that this ‘other story’ has taken over. You are fickle beasts indeed, wrestling fans. I’m going to say that Orton will retain and they’ll both move on to other people by Summerslam. There’s nowhere else to go with this one.

Sidekick Andrew: Much as I love them, Money in the Bank matches are always going to be a bit tricky to predict. Other than Evan Bourne and perhaps Jack Swagger, anyone of the competitors could take this one. I was tempted to choose Kofi Kingston as he’s probably due a push again soon, but I think he’ll fill the Shelton Benjamin role of “doing mental stuff every time but never actually winning” instead.

The Miz could win, but I can’t picture him carting that briefcase around all year again. Riley could win, but the same applies as he carried the case with Miz. Mysterio is always an option, and (much as it pains me to admit it) R-Truth is a possibility. But my pick goes to Del Rio. They seemed to tease him feuding with Cena on Raw this week, and he’s due a new push after the Rumble one fizzled out.

Boss Lady Ray: No MITB match is an island. You really can’t just look at the match in isolation because you have to consider where the writers might want to take the winner afterwards. A guaranteed title shot is a big thumbs up to whoever gets it and, let’s be honest, predicting who they might be challenging for the title is almost impossible this year.

After much consideration, I’m going to go with Alex Riley. Andrew’s right, he did carry the briefcase with Miz for a long time. But I think it might be fun for the worm to have turned, possibly with Miz trying to steal it away afterwards. I always think MITB matches should be used to elevate a young, rising star and Riley really deserves to move up.

Sidekick Andrew: Like the Raw match, I’m really looking forward to this one. And much like the Raw match a lot of that is down to the fact that there’s never a guaranteed winner.

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I think I’m looking forward to this one even more than the Raw match. The combination of Justin Gabriel and Sin Cara alongside Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan should make for some great spots. Add in Kane, Sheamus and Wade Barrett and you have the makings of a really fun match. Although, like all ladder matches, that fun will probably involve a lot of cringing on my part. There’s just something about people landing on the edges of the ladders that gets me every time.

I would love Wade Barrett to win this and get another run at the title, but I’m going to go with the obvious choice and pick Sheamus to win.

Boss Lady Ray: If I’m honest, I think this one will probably be Sheamus. He’s been getting a nice little run on Smackdown and he’ll work well with Orton. But it also seems just a little too obvious.  For that reason I’m going to go with Wade Barrett. He hasn’t got much to do now that the Corre have died a death and he really does deserve to get back up to the top. I wouldn’t object if it was a triple-threat between Orton, Sheamus and Barrett at Summerslam and, you know, if I can save Andrew from getting killed by predicting Wade, I’d do it. Who’s going to do all my Photoshopping if he dies?

Boss Lady Ray: Well, what can we say about this match? I can’t remember the last time I saw WWE fans quite this emotional about a story, probably because we’re not entirely sure how much is story and how much is genuine. They are the very best kind of wrestling stories. We’ve discussed what might be happening to Punk endlessly in the Bunker and have come up with so many theories I can’t even remember half of them.

The thing is, none of them seem right, so we’ve decided not to predict the end of the show. Wrestling fans, including ourselves, are a curious breed. We’re constantly trying to figure out what might happen in advance, sometimes to its detriment when it actually happens. The satisfaction of ‘I told you so’ wears off quickly. We don’t want Punk to leave, but we don’t want him to be miserable either, so we’re just going to let this one play out however them on high have decided and try to enjoy it (in amongst a few tears from myself, I expect.)

All week we’ve been playing this song and getting a little weepy in anticipation for tonight. Listen to the lyrics carefully and you’ll understand why. (N.B. Andrew would like me to point out that he hasn’t been getting weepy because he’s a manly-man with a new subscription to Sky Sports and everything. *bicep-curl*)  This one’s for you, Punk. If you really are leaving, I’ll miss you….bloody loads!*WEEP*

 

 

 

 

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crotch watch: brand new decade edition

I’ve been getting  a steady stream of requests for a new edition of Crotch Watch for some time. I, in turn, have promised to write it and have (predictably) failed. Nothing to do with the subject matter, you understand. Although, being a first class pervert requires far more effort than one might imagine. I have just been rather busy. I spent  a few weeks in USAville, then I had a spot of jetlag over Christmas week, then I was overcome by the spirit of a Victorian lady, then I had lounging in my PJs til lunch time to do, and sale shopping, then I had a new Xbox 360 Elite to play, then I had to travel to West Wales to spend NYE with family and friends, then I got back into town on the coldest train ever on Friday and…… you get the idea.

By the way, Happy New Decade! I spent New Year’s Eve on a pub crawl in Tenby and spent New Year’s Day filling my lungs with clean, fresh, ocean air on a very chilly beach, where I collected shells and pebbles and wrote topical, thought-provoking messages in the wet sand.

Being this clever is such a curse.

The air was so pure out West that my body didn’t know what to do with itself. Even though the whole of South Wales was covered in ice and snow, and even though it was very late by the time I got back to the city, I strapped myself to a skateboard, grabbed on to the back bumper of my neighbours’ car and sucked on their exhaust pipe while they drove around the block to replenish all the toxins pushed out by the healthy seaside air. Return to city life complete. Anyway, you don’t care about any of this, do you? I mean, I could tell you about my New Year’s Resolutions, but as Mercury is retrograde I’m delaying finalising my resolutions until it begins moving forward again and until the second lunar eclipse has passed. Look to the skies, people.

Now, let’s start the year as we mean to go on and objectify men who run around in their under-crackers. There hasn’t been an official Crotch Watch in ages but my Hell in a Cell recap was an interim edition so it hasn’t been that long. We should probably start with my Crotch Watching muse, CM Punk, who inspires perversion without even trying that hard. I mean, he even wore seasonal trunks for Halloween.

Subtle but effective. He's almost as clever as I am.

I was getting worried about our CM. That semi-religious tip he’s been on lately has been killing my buzz. But just as I was losing hope, that hairy horn-beast whipped out his infamous lavender trunks and dragged me back in. And before anyone tries to argue with me, yes, I know they look a bit grey and washed out but they definitely ARE the lavender trunks.

As I mentioned, I am now the proud owner of this plastic chest of magic known as the Xbox and I was thrilled see that the virtual CM Punk wears said lavender trunks in his Smackdown vs Raw 2010 matches. Or at least the ones I’ve played so far. Game on!  And before leaving Mr. Punk alone….. to start the year off with a bang, Punk wore his black and white tanga briefs on the New Year’s Day episode of Smackdown.

Is Punk growing his chest hair but still waxing his stomach? Weird.

Staying with Smackdown, either John Morrison’s narcissism has reached such heights that he’s taken to plastering his face over his junk, or, he’s trying to cover up something he doesn’t want us to look at. To be honest, most faces are prettier than junk, so if you’re going to cover it up with someone’s face you might as well make it a beautiful one. If that happens to be your own face? Lucky (genetically blessed) you.

Let’s shift brands and head to ECW. Now that this blog covers ECW activities I should touch base with those ‘extreme’ boys. Oh and if you’re wondering what’s happened to Andrew’s ECW recaps, have no fear, as soon as Christmas is over and he’s finished assembling all the toys Father Christmas left for his kiddies, he’ll be back in the WG office. I’ve given him a few weeks off to enjoy his kids. I know I’m a bit grumpy at times but I’m not Ebenezer Scrooge to Andrew’s Bob Cratchit, ya know. Anyway, Andrew seems rather taken with Shelton Benjamin’s package. He mentions it often and appears to have developed an inferiority complex. Not being in any way familiar with Andrew’s family jewels, I couldn’t possibly give an opinion, so we’ll just take his word for it and let Shelton take the floor.

Oi! William Regal! Stop crushing Shelton's bits with your beer gut. Andrew obviously switched the original picture I chose for this one. Hometown boys sticking together. Pffft!

And while we’re with ECW…..

The boy just needs to make a decision. He should resolve to go one way or the other in 2010. There’s no sitting on the fence when it comes to lower-body lycra. Choose your level of exposure and run with it. Although, if you go with high exposure, run with care.

Lots has changed in the WWE since the last Crotch Watch. I mean, who would have thought Sheamus would be a main eventer on the flagship show so soon? Even more shocking is his appearance in Crotch Watch. Don’t misunderstand. My interest in his groinal area lies purely in the fact that a man of Celtic heritage has the WWE Championship belt wrapped around it. I have no interest in exploring below the belt, so to speak; but I take note of wrestle trunks with any form of wording on them. Now that he’s ascended to the top of the food chain, Sheamus has sewn himself some home-style trunks with ‘LAOCH’ written across the crotch.

Apparently, it’s Gaelic for ‘Warrior’. I’d honour my Welsh heritage by having ‘RHYFELWRAIG’ stitched across my wrestling outfit, but I don’t think it would fit across my wrestle-knickers. It’s kind of a long word, as is the norm in the Welsh language. We have the longest place-name in the world, you know.

Yes, I can actually pronounce it correctly. If you don't believe me I'll prove it in the next voicemail or podcast. (IMG via VirtualTourist.com)

Sticking with the flagship, The Miz’s transfer from puffy pedal-pushers to trunks is now complete, and to celebrate he now wraps his stuff in a delightful shade of mauve for special occasions.

Also take note of Drew McIntyre's side-sparkles.

And just in case you haven’t been keeping up with your ‘wrestlers on Twitter’ during the holiday season, you might like to know that Ted DiBiase Jr is now spamming plugs for his new movie on Twitter at regular intervals. There are but a few professions where walking around in such little clothing is totally natural, nay, expected. But even wrestlers wish they could pull on a pair of thermals to keep the frost from biting their bits from time-to-time.

Don’t worry, Teddy. Just make that layer of baby oil extra thick and that greasy film will keep your skin warm and supple while walking around outside in your knickers. So I hear. Unless Ted was less worried about feeling the cold and more concerned with showing the cold. Understandable stood next to Randy Orton.

Think warm thoughts, sweets.

At this point I would normally do a little Divas fashion bit, but I can’t be bothered. So, here’s a nostalgic video sent to me by one of the Wrestlegasm faithful. You know that theory that news anchors don’t wear trousers under the news-desk? I like to think Matt Striker does the same behind the announce table. Until I prove that theory, I’ll just watch old videos of when Striker was a wrestler. Watch and enjoy, you bunch of disgusting crotch watchers.  You really should be ashamed of yourselves.

All my love for 2010,

Ray – Your trusty enabler  xx

smackdown(lite): eh-men

After the ridiculous dramatics of Trump Buys Raw, I was looking forward to the understated genius that is Smackdown. To kick things off, Josh Matthews decided to hold an in-ring interview with Jeff Hardy.  First, Josh reminded him of his win over Edge at Extreme Rules. Ahhh. Good times. But then he reminded him of how CM Punk cashed in his MITB contract just seconds later. And theeeeen, just to rub even more vinegar in to the gash, Josh went on the remind Jeff that he had been SOOO CLOSE to regaining the title on the special Raw earlier in the week, but Punk had foiled his plans again and kept the belt. Bloody hell, Josh! How about you remind ME not to call YOU next time I’m feeling a bit blue.

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Jeff was given  a moment to leave his failures in the past, so it’s only fair that CM Punk has his say too.  The crowd are still confused about what to make of New Punk. It’s kind of like when New Wave music hit in the very early 80s. It’s not hard, it’s not soft. Kind of in the middle. New CM Punk is the Blondie of WWE, but with black hair and strange insomnia bags under his eyes. Phillip, get some sleep chicker, or at least borrow some of Debbie’s concealer. (BTW I’m not actually old enough to remember New Wave ‘hitting’. I just watch a lot of rock-docs.)

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They ALMOST did the Drugs v Just Say No story, but they bottled it. Chickens! They just skated around the topic, like the Seinfeld ‘The Contest’ episode.

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During the break, Punk left and Jeff stayed to have a roll around with Jericho. This match had no reason, other than to be exquisitely entertaining and not to ruin the PPV matches by showing us something we have the priviledge of paying to see a couple of weeks later. But wait, there’s a twist. A simple but perfect twist.  The front row directly left of the ramp was graced with three guys in Rey Mysterio face-shirts and masks.  Ah! But! One of them WAS Rey Mysterio. At an opportune moment Rey jumped the barrier, swung his legs around Jericho’s neck, took him down and jumped back in to this seat. Naturally, the referee was otherwise engaged in the ring and missed the whole thing. With Jericho dazed and confused, Jeff was able to make the pin for the win.

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PSSST! REY! The guy behind you with the camera is blowing your cover.

Oh, Smackdown. It you were a fella I would have the biggest crush on you right now. I’d write I <3 SD on Post-Its and stick them all over my office. Which would be quite embarrassing as I am:

a) a fully grown lady

b) more immature than the students I try to teach how to be a grown up

Anyway, backstage Layla and Eve were arguing over who a can of hairspray belonged to. Yeah. Really. They needed Maria to separate them and allocate the spritzer to Eve. Seems the dance-off, the arm-wrestle and the cat-fighting was all worthless ’cause all they needed was a gentle word from Freuline Maria. Who knew? Their moment was interrupted by Dolph Ziggler who, by some freak of nature, I am starting to dig. DOH! The ladies pretended they didn’t know what his name was and he skulked off in a mood.

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His match with Khali was kind of a wipeout. Ziggler won via DQ. I’d like to see him get  a feud going with someone else. I’m kind of biased against Khali.

He's the shame of sexy? Duh! Actually, Todd looks amazingly handsome in that picture, so he may be in with a shot.

He's the shamen of sexy? Duh! Actually, Todd looks amazingly handsome in that picture, so he may be in with a shot.

Alright, time for the girls to get up and, oh boy, am I happy there’s going to be a Women’s Title Match at The Bash. There hasn’t been a proper Women’s division match at a PPV since before Wrestlemania. Alicia Fox took Melina on with, of course, Michelle McCool at her side. The match was fine.  I think at one point Todd Grisham might have said “you’ve gotta bend Melina pretty good to make her scream.” Oh, Todd. You like to pretend you know that from experience, don’t you? Melina went on to win the match but Michelle took exception, kicking her in the face and out the ring.

But here was the shocker….. Michelle took a microphone and SPOKE! Yes, a women’s match at a PPV AND a promo. My cup runeth over. Although, the lack of mic time might have hampered Michelle’s delivery technique. She seemed a little….awkward. But I don’t care. A promo, however disjointed,  from one of the girls totally made my day.

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Alrighty. Back to the boys and Edge was in the ring, not too chuffed about being paired up with rising star, John Morrison. I swear, every single time I write about Morrison I type ‘Jim’ and then have to backspace for ‘John’.  Anyway, Edge accused John of wanting to ‘be’ him. Morrison responded by doing a REALLY bad Canadian accent, and he told Edge he’d better stop complaining of he’d give him something to complain about. Oooh. Handbags at dawn.

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It's rai-ning eh's. Halleluiah! It's raining eh's, eh-men!

I heard lots of talk about the mainstream introduction of The Hart Dynasty last week, but Morrison’s big match with Edge was an understated big-deal too.  Definitely a step up the career ladder. Brilliant match! BRILLIANT! Edge took it with a spear, but it was so good. How many times can I say I love Smackdown before I get so annoying people stop visiting? I think I’m probably on the borderline right now. I’ll stop.

R-Truth and Cryme Tyme took Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin and Ricky Ortiz on in a three-man tag. It was fine. Ya know, as expected.

Fresh from his stint sitting in the crowd, Rey Mysterio made his way past the crowd and jumped in to the ring. You know what I was thinking when he was touching foreheads with the masked kids this week? That he must whisper inspirational phrases in their ear. Life-affirming statements that will carry them through their adolescence and in to adulthood.  Stuff like this maybe…….

mm

Ah. If only I’d touched faces with a masked wrestler when I was a kid, maybe I’d have been a superstar. *day-dreaming*. Anyway, Mysterio challenged Jericho to a rematch so he could regain his Intercontinental Title. His speech was interrupted by Jericho who, after a beautiful verbal tustle, told Rey that if he wanted a rematch he’d have to be willing to de-PVC his face if he lost. This was all agreed so we’ll see  how that pans out at The Bash, but it’s pretty safe to say we won’t be seeing Mysterio’s face any time soon. Or will we? Oooh.

As Smackdown is all about delicately interwoven storylines that don’t need to show you a PPV main event before the PPV, Rey Mysterio stayed in the ring to go up against CM Punk while Jericho slid over to JRs hip, donned a headset and spoke mean words about Rey.  Jericho is wicked on commentary. Seriously. He never runs out of the perfetc words. Take note Rhodes and DiBiase. Stringing a coherent  sentence together is part of your job. K?  When Jericho reaches retirement, PLEEEEASE give him a commentary job.

By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice at the beginning of the show that Punk was back in his lavender tinted shorts again. The article of clothing that made CROTCH WATCH possible in the first place. So just in case you thought the white trunks on Raw were a fluke…. see? He DOES like the attention.

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The match was moving along nicely when Jericho jumped out of his seat, drove Mysterio in to the turnbuckle while the ref was twiddling his thumbs and left him in the grip of a count-out. Rey managed to drag himself back under the ropes but Punk stuck the GTS on him and it was all over. Being the fine, upstanding citizen he is, Jeff Hardy could not ignore the injustice he had witnessed and tried to reason with the ref and Punk. Neither wanted to listen , Punk was booed and he held his belt aloft and exited the arena. Game on!

smackdown(lite): sleeping with a punk

It’s fair to say that Smackdown had its fair share of drama at Extreme Rules. I’ll do my best to work in what happened, otherwise it just ain’t gonna make sense.

First person to the ring, CM Punk, with the heavyweight belt around his waist. Yes, you are correct. Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract at Extreme Rules. But not against Edge. Against everyone’s favourite Fonzy…..Jeff Hardy. SHOCKER! IT WAS AMAZING! I LOVED IT! Punk turns heel then. Or does he?  He didn’t seem too mean and menacing standing in the ring.  He even said “That doesn’t make a bad guy.” True heels don’t CARE that you think they’re a bad dude. In fact, they WANT you think they’re a bad dude. I’m confused.

Anyway, Punk went on to say that he plans on bringing some dignity back to the belt. But as he spoke some music hit. Can you guess which music it was? Correct. Go on, you know you want to play it.

I kid. But yes, it was Jeff and uh-oh, he ain’t happy. In fact, he’s so furious he didn’t concentrate when he was getting dressed and pulled on some jeans from the 1986 dress-up box.

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They argued the toss about whose fault it was and Jeff demanded his rematch THAT NIGHT. But someone else had something to say. Edge butted in and was made to feel wholly unwelcome by his two colleagues. Well, at least they agree on SOMETHING. Oh, I should say, Punk had an amazing match with Umaga at Extreme Rules which subsequently left Umaga unemployed. Hence the new feuding.

The tustle went on and Edge tried to claim that CM Punk was trying to emulate him. Errrrr, yah, cause they look sooo alike, right? Nope. He claimed that Punk’s Straight Edge lifestyle was named after him….. yeah, sure, a 30-year old lifestyle movement was named after a wrestling character. Whatever gets you through the night, sweetie.

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Edge thinks Punk is crushing on him, Jeff wants Punk to be crushing on him, Jeff hates Edge but Punk's really crushing on John Morrison. (Not in the triangle.)

Jeff ran out of patience, eliminated Edge but shoving him out of the ring, put the Twist of Fate and then a Swanton Bomb on Punk and hollered at the crowd from the top rope.

But wait, the situation still isn’t resolved. Teddy Long came out to announce that Jeff and Edge would have to fight that night in a number one contender match. Whoever won would face Punk on Raw on Monday. Yes you read right. Raw. Seems they got bored with the brand separation pretty quickly and are mixing things up in a 3-hour Raw tomorrow.  They had a PPV 8 days previous and now they’re having a free PPV style show where Raw should be. *shrugs shoulders*

Having just left the ramp, Teddy Long made his way back to his office to find Chris Jericho looking a little too comfortable in his leather armchair. I swear, he was a cigar, a scotch-on-the-rocks and a fluffy white pussycat away from being a bond villain, just, more naked.

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Jericho was feeling left out so Teddy gave him a match against Punk for that night. Yum!

Dolph Ziggler took Khali on AGAIN. Getting bored with this. Doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Although, I’m pleased to report that after last week’s observation that Ziggler spreads too much goose fat over his chest, he seemed considerably less greasy this week. A triumph. Now, if he would just let me take the clippers to his horrible hair and ditch the camp leather waistcoat we may be getting somewhere.

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Ziggler was under the cosh so he grabbed Khali’s interpreter dude by the mutton chops and roughed him up a bit. Khali came to save him and got counted out, giving Ziggler the win.

Next up, a womens match. Michelle McCool and Layla (accompanied by A.Fox) v Melina and Eve. Michelle’s hair looked so cool. Come on, hair. Get BLONDER! Maybe I should try getting out in the sunshine instead of staying hauled up in front of a computer all day. Well, it’s up to you, I can either write stuff to make you happy or have blonde hair. The decision is yours.

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Layla and Eve were fine, but when Melina and Michelle were in the ring together it was AWESOME. Pleaaaaase give them a big  PPV match. They’re so good.

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Best move of all was when Michelle managed to counter a Melina move, dragged her off her back, pull her over the top of her shoulders and shimmied her down the front to put the Faith Breaker on her. I bloody love that Faith Breaker. Every time Michelle does it I swear her victim’s face will have turned concave, and yet they come out just as pretty as they went in. Mwah!

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PS> Please start selling Alicia’s t-shirt in the shopzone. Ta.

From female tag-teams to male couples, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas v John Morrison and R-Truth. I’m just starting to realise that Shelton Benjamin is actually pretty buff. I think maybe the lightbulb on his head was distracting me from what was going on from the neck down. Nice work, m’friend.

Another brilliant match from these guys. R-Truth spinning Benjamin around by his feet and suspended from his neck was amazing. One of the things I love about Smackdown is that even the nothing matches, where nothing is on the line but pride, are a joy to watch. Ok, maybe not Ziggler and Khali….. but the rest. Morrison pinned Haas for the win and gave me my Man-Hug Moment of the week. Interesting that Morrison is often one half of a Man-Hug. I think he misses The Miz. He just wants a new BFF.

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At Extreme Rules Jericho beat Rey Mysterio and unmasked him as promised. Mysterio left the arena before anyone could really see him. On Smackdown he walked out carrying that same mask and held it up like that famous scene from Hamlet, where Hamlet finds the grave of his old pal Yorick, holds up his skull and remembers him fondly.

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But wait,  Jericho kind of despises Mysterio so that analogy doesn’t work. Fugetaboutit! The match was alright. Pretty good, but it didn’t really count for anything. And it was old heel vs new heel. They still cheered for Punk when he stuck the GTS on Jericho and took the match. See? It doesn’t work yet. Make him be really evil. Randy Orton evil. Now THAT would be sweet!

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Final match of the night was Jeff Hardy and Edge for that number one contenders spot. You know, considering they had survived an epic ladders match just 48 hours earlier, they did brilliantly. Seriously, they must have had a few tasty bumps and bruises from that match. CM Punk was at the commentary table and chipped in at regular intervals.

Jeff had Edge all lined up for the cover but he made the school-boy error or standing on the ropes for some crowd adoration and gave Edge the opportunity to sneak out of the ring while he was soaking up the love. Jeff came after him but Edge managed to grab him and chuck him at Punk, who was comfortably swinging from side-to-side in his swivel chair. Furious at having his swivel fun interrupted, Punk ran at Edge in the ring and the bell was tolled for the end of the match. All three punched it out for a couple of minutes but nobody knew who the number one contender actually was. Teddy?

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Tiffany, yes, she of ECW fame, announced Christian vs Dreamer for Monday night, and Teddy announced a triple threat between Edge, Jeff and Punk. I am more excited about this special Raw than I am for most PPVs. I think there’s gonna be a few surprises. Keeeep watchiiing!

smackdown(lite): now that’s how you make a wrestling show

Remember last week when I got all puffed up and tearful about the car crash television that was Raw vs The Denver Nuggets? The reason it got me so wound up was that it worried me that someone might have chosen that particular night to start watching wrestling for the first time and would have thought it was representative of wrestling programming in general.  For the complete opposite reason, I shall be holding on to last Friday’s episode of Smackdown, so that when anyone asks me why I enjoy wrestling I can give them a copy. Kind of like when my sociology tutor asked if she could keep my research project on British Soap Operas as Social Eduction so she could show it to future students on how to execute a media and society project. I’m still proud of that one. But enough of my personal triumphs from the distant past. Let’s go down some smack.

The blue Smackdown trucks rolled in to Memphis and appeared to have picked up a few accessories along the way. The arena was littered with ladder after ladder after ladder.  It looked like a cubist painting from the turn of the 20th Century. If Pablo Picasso were alive today he’d be in heaven. All those straight lines and obscure angles. I imagine his rendition might look something like this.

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I call it, Sea of Steel. (Title stolen from Jim Ross). PS> If you do the 'right-click, save-as...' on this picture, please credit it back to wrestlegasm.com. Thanks.

Beautiful! Even if I do say so myself. But that’s enough about art. Mainly because without the crutch of Wikipedia I know absolutely nothing.

Edge made his way through the maze of metal and called Jeff Hardy out to join him. Jeff made an impossibly long entrance to the ring, slipping some skin to all the kiddies screaming at him as he went. Well, he IS the Pied Piper of Wrestle World. Everyone dances to his tune. Not that I’m calling wrestling fans rats or anything. Oh, I think I need a new metaphor. I should prob go back to Fonzy. After ducking under every ladder in his path, Jeff  arrived in the ring but exclaimed that he would be decidedly more comfortable on top of a ladder and began climbing.

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Edge accused him of peddling false bravado and pandering to the sheep in the audience. No, Edge. RATS, not sheep. I’ll send him a copy of this for his birthday…….

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Edge continued and made sure Jeff knew that every time he made an attempt to reach for the belt at Extreme Rules he’d be there to knock him back down again. BOOO! He climbed to join Jeff at ladder height and they had a good old chin-wag about who would be victorious at Sunday’s PPV. Jeff explained that his free-spirit would be his salvation but Edge got all NUH-UHH, and whacked him across the temple with the suspended title belt. Not content with a mere slap to the head, he tipped Jeff over and he went flying down to the ground, his fall only broken by the ropes. But as JR so diligently reminded us, those ropes are made of encased steel, so not much of a soft landing after all.

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Great opener. What’s next? John Morrison v Shelton Benjamin. I love watching these two. They’re pacey, creative and so athletic is makes me ashamed of being so unathletic. No, it’s not just Ms. McCool who makes me feel like that. It was a great, solid match and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing the Starship Pain. AMAZING! But the most shocking moment of the match was the revelation from JR that the quadricep is the biggest muscle in the body. WHAT? I thought it was the Gluteus Maximus. Your ass is bigger than your thighs, right? He then went on to say that he remembers that from his anatomy days. Oh, you must be trained doctor then. My apologies Dr. Ross. No offense, but if I’m going to believe the medical ramblings of a Dr. Ross, I’ll stick with this one.

Look at the girl in the background who is supposed to be dead but is actually George out. George Clooney: So handsome he raises women from the dead.

Look at the girl in the background. She is supposed to be dead but is actually checking George out. George Clooney: So handsome he raises women from the dead.

Moving on and Chris Jericho was roaming the backstage area, which means he’ll be calling us all gelatinous again within a couple of minutes.

He strutted his way out to the ring, as he does, and began slamming Rey Mysterio and the audience. Ok, he didn’t say ‘gelatinous’ again, but he did use the words ‘zombies’ and ‘web of deceit’. COOL! But just as Jericho asked us if we’re fully clear on what he was trying to say, some music started playing. R-Truth? R-Truth is facing up to Jericho? I was not expecting that. He did his whole ‘WHAT’S UP?’ thing, asked Memphis what was up, and then asked Chris Jericho what was up with him. It was lovely, comedy moment because the contempt on Jericho’s face was priceless. He had that look my mother gets when I try to explain the purpose of blogging to her.

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Jericho went on, amazed that anyone dared to interrupt him in full arsehole mode, but R-Truth bit back. Much like Umaga, he’s allowed to speak now. YAY! R-Truth told him that just because he talked down to everyone, it didn’t actually make him badass. But he promised that things were about to get bad. REAL bad. Wheee! Match, pleeeease.

I wasn’t expecting them to work well together. Not sure why. Just not one I’d expect to see on the combo menu. But it was great. To be fair though, I think I sometimes forget how great Chris Jericho is in the ring. He’s got years and years of experience and this current persona he’s been dealt makes me forget how awesome he really is. Declaration of love over, back to the match result. Truth leaped from the ropes but it went wrong, he landed awkwardly and left Jericho with the pin. Better luck next time, kiddo, but welcome to the big-time.

Then, just as Jericho reached the top of the ramp and was about to exit, Rey Mysterio came running out, knocked him down and began pummelling him straight in the face. I may have misheard, but I think JR may have said that Rey was “going Medieval on Jericho”. Medieval? Like this?

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Men in tights and funny looking headgear? ‘Cause that’s a description of wrestling, right? Ok I think I’ve got the wrong end of the sword. The officials ran out, managed to prise Rey from Jericho’s chest and it looked like the moment of madness was over. But, just as Rey was about to leave, he made a flying leap off the edge of the ramp straight at the recovering Chris Jericho. IT. WAS. AWESOME. I love when Rey Mysterio gets all fired up like that. And I love you, Smackdown.

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Next, Umaga and CM Punk were up, minus their PPV stipulation.  Curious, but I’ll assume they know what they’re doing. I think CROTCH WATCH may have made CM Punk so uncomfortable that he’s completely ignoring me now. Not only has he stopped wearing my favourite lavender trunks, but has now taken to wearing black trunks in protest.  Sorry, Phillip. I’m not such a terrible letch. Honest. CROTCH WATCH will now take a hiatus until Punk feels comfortable enough to wear his lavender trunks again. At which point the whole cycle will repeat itself.

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The match itself was brilliant. Really. I know other people have said it, but it could easily have passed for a PPV match. I do wonder if they’ll have enough juice in the tank to improve upon the SD match. I know they’ll have the strap match stip, but still. I’ll make a recommendation. If the PPV match does fall short, let’s not complain. We’ll look back on this one and remember they know how to do better. Deal? It was all moving along beautifully but I figured it would probably go Umaga’s way in the end. NOOOOPE! To my immense surprise CM Punk, who my dad refers to as ‘weedy’, picked Umaga up across his shoulders, held him there and then dropped him like a sack of spuds in to the mat, pinning him for the win. OH. MY GOD. You know what’s coming, right?

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John Cena might be a tad pissed off that Punk stole his bit, but sod that. You know what’s better than a big muscly guy who can lift heavyweights above his head? A slightly less muscly guy who can do the same thing. Because that makes him kind of intriguing and surprising. SWOOOOOON!

After all that wrestlegasming (new word) I need a women’s match to give me a few minutes to calm down. Oh, whaddaya know? There’s one coming up next. What a coincidence. :D Michelle McCool, Alicia Fox and Layla(why?) were taking on Melina, Gail Kim and Eve Torres(I see) with Maria as guest referee. MARIA! SWEETHEART! Where’ve ya been, darlin’? I’ve missed you. Maria was wearing a rather fetching referee’s outfit, a little sexier than that worn by the guys.

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I’ll let you in on a little secret. I often think ‘If I worked for the WWE, what would my role be?’ Wrestler? Errm, no. My body ain’t perfect enough for that.  Commentator? Nah. I’m not quick enough. I doubt anyone would understand me anyway. When I get excited my accent gets a bit incoherent. Ring announcer? Possibly, but my entrance announcement for Randy Orton might go a bit like “OH MY GOD, Randy’s coming out, people. Ooooh, he’s so MEAN looking. RAAAAWR!” Fail. I usually settle for referee, but in a cute little dress similar to Maria’s, but more this kind of shape…….

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…..a bit vintage-y, but with black and white stripes of course. Right, so, the match. I LOVE the whole Hollywood paparazzi thing they do for Melina and Co. It seems minor, but it’s the fine details make all the difference.

Pretty good match. I thought Gail Kim was particularly wicked this week. When are we going to have a women’s match at a PPV again, Vince? It’s been AGES. TOTALLY unfair. I’d love to see Michelle McCool and Gail Kim in a big PPV match. It would be awesome. But one of them has to swipe the belt from Melina first. Someone sort this out for me, please? Thanks. The match was actually won by my fellow country-woman, Layla. I’m not really getting this, but whatever. Nobody in the company seems to care what happens to the women anyway. I’m pretty sure it’s all done randomly.

And just to sadden me even more, Great Khali is up next against Dolph Ziggler. Gag me with a spoon! I could not care less about Khali, and Dolph Ziggler looked like he just emptied three bottles of baby oil over his chest.

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But I did just realise this week (thanks to a pic in WWE magazine) that he used to be in the Spirit Squad, which made me point and laugh more than usual. Actually, I think at some point I might start liking Ziggler. I’ve got a feeling in my bones. I’m just not ready to give in yet. Khali won. That’s all you need to know.

Final match of the night was a Champion v Champion match – Rey Mysterio v Edge. More awesomeness ensued and Edge made the pin. Just as Rey was looking like he’d had enough, Edge added insult to injury and dragged a ladder from under the apron. As he prepared to put Rey’s lights out for good, Jeff Hardy ran in with a steel chair, whacked Edge down, set the ladder up in the corner of the ring, gave a nod and a wink to the crowd and performed a 15ft leg drop from the top of the ladder. I actually shouted “YEEEEEEAH!” when he did it.

JHLDONEYEAH

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE NIGHT

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This lady, right after CM Punk lifted Umaga. She’s got the head-tilt going on, she’s touching her hair. That’s the look of swoon. I’m with ya, darlin’. The dude sitting behind her is obviously an Umaga fan.

See you after the extremities, guys!

smackdown(lite): moving on

After the chaos of Raw, the exciting comeback and then speedy sacking of Mr. Kennedy,  sitting down to watch Smackdown felt like a snuggly cuddle from a nice boy. Thanks, Smackdown. I can always rely on you.

SD got going with Rey Mysterio, ’cause he’s from California. And they’re in California. Makes sense. He told us that, despite criticism over his choice to have a dangerous No Holds Barred match against Chris Jericho at Extreme Rules, he thought it would be ‘off the hook’. NHB would allow him to beat Jericho using the 619, 213, 323, 310 and even the 818. Oooooh, the 818 is EXTWEEEEM. What is this, a game of NumberWang?

Jericho interrupted and came out to scoff at Mysterio using that common American phrase “Off the hook”. Chris, I love you babe, but I don’t think you should be picking on Rey when you, for the second week running, have used the word ‘gelatinous’ as an insult. Not particularly offensive and, maybe it’s just me, but sometimes gelatinous things can be pleasant. Observe……

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Oh, yeah, and Mickey Rourke was in the audience. Nothing more to say about that

Jericho offended Mysterio’s heritage and threatened to commit the ultimate anti-Mexico crime and de-mask him at Extreme Rules. He said he was going to expose Rey for what he really is. No need to go to all that trouble. I’ll do it for you

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It all kicked off, they started brawling and Jericho made a hasty retreat to the ramp.

R-Truth and Khali tag-teamed against Mike Knox and Dolph Ziggler. I tried to concentrate on the match but the fact that R-Truth made Khali do a hip-hop dance and rap along with him made it impossible. It was vile.

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Ladies next. Alicia Fox finally got a match to call  her own, but it was against Melina, and the pecking order suggests that Ms. Fox is about to get boxed in to a pulp. She was accompanied to the ring by her BFF, Michelle McCool, who looked so amazing I almost gave up on life.

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I can’t compete with that. I’m not sure I even wanna BE her any more. I think I just wanna DO her. And I’m not even INTO girls.  But does that mean I wanna do myself? Someone pass me something gelatinous and I’ll find out. No, not the Jelly Fish. That’s just silly. Wait, I think I do just wanna BE her. Not only does she look amazing and manages to walk un-aided down a steep ramp in Eff-Me Heels, but JR also reminded us that Michelle has a Masters degree. That’s it. I’m dead. As a doornail.

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That's me dead. What do you mean dead people can't pout their lips? Shutup! I was actually rocking out to Paramore's 'Riot' album in this picture, but I look kind of 'at peace', right? God, my hair has grown a lot since that pic, and it was only a few weeks ago.

There’s gotta be a downside to being Michelle McCool, hasn’t there? Oh yeah, she’s shacked up with the Undertaker.  Imagine all that eyeliner spread over the pillowcase in the morning! Ok, I am restored.

Riiiight, so yeah, there was a match going on too. I was correct, Alicia got her head handed to her.  Michelle jumped in at the end to help her out but got distracted by the Women’s Title belt and started glaring at it like someone just told her it was ok to eat a Breakfast Baguette. It’s so NOT ok, by the way. Shame on me. Melina snatched the belt back and Michelle indicated that she was coming after it.

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After a backstage promo from John Morrison and a PPV promo for the Jeff/Edge ladder match, Jeff ran in to the arena sporting a flashy new blonde hair-do. Ok, that’s it. I’m going blonde again. Not anywhere near as Marilyn Monroe as I used to be, but I AM going to be blonde again.

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He spoke for a few minutes about how ladder matches are his comfort zone, and left. I don’t know how anyone can feel comfortable throwing themselves off a ladder, but whatevs. As Jeff groped at fans lined along the ramp, Umaga started wobbling down it, whipping strap in-hand.  JR said “Jeff Hardy showing some restraint there and some intelligence, staying away from a Samoan with a leather strap.” So that’s why I keep being whooped by Umaga’s leather strap. I should show some restraint and stop poking him with a stick. I’m so unintelligent. I wish I was more like Jeff.

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Jeff left and John Morrison joined Umaga in the ring. LOOOOONG match. Although, for an Umaga match it was pretty good. Morrison carried him. Not, literally, he’s not John Cena. But John Morrison’s immense athleticism made it worthwhile, and I never would have thought they’d have complimented each other in the ring. Umaga was DQ’d for using his Samoan strap and it was looking like ‘lights out’ for Morrison, who found himself suspended upside-down from the turnbuckle. Have no fear, Shamen, your new bromance buddy, CM Punk, will save you.

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Punk ran in, hit Umaga in the face with his plastic briefcase and sent him packing. Briefcase to the cranium! Briefcase to the cranium! The ref released Morrison, Punk took his shirt off (YESSSSS) and………. OMG, he’s STILL wearing those dusky blue trunks. Honey, give them to me. They must need washing by now. I’ll even hand wash them if you’re that worried about shrinkage. The things you do for love, eh?

You know what you need when you’re in a rage? You need Todd Grisham to shove a microphone in your face. Which is exactly what happened to CM Punk. Reading between the lines, it’s not looking so hot for Punk at Extreme Rules. Allow me to summarise the interview in table form:

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And then he looked straight in to the camera, spoke directly to me, and I was TOTALLY in his hotness corner again.

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Not that I was ever in Umaga’s corner but, you know, it was looking dodgy for a moment there.

Cryme Tyme fought Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas, but I doubt you want to hear about that, so I’ll skip. It was boring. Benjamin got the cover. Eve and Layla finally tried to settle their differences in the ring because, you know, the dance-off, the arm-wrestle and the baby powder in the hair event didn’t do the job. It was horrible. HO-RRI-BLE. The winner was Eve, but the medals should actually have been awarded to Jim Ross and Todd Grisham, who both managed to keep talking through the ‘match’.

“This is a hair-pulling, fingernail scratching type match.” = SHIT

Backstage, Edge and Chris Jericho were supposed to be preparing for a tag-team match against Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy. But Edge and Jericho had a little tiff and Chris did the whole “if you’re not gonna apologise you can sleep by yourself tonight” thing and pulled out of the match.

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Edge was left standing alone in the ring and Rey Mysterio’s music hit. Edge was going to have to manage this one by himself. Rey did his usual thing of touching foreheads with the masked kids along the jetway and gave his purple mask fringe to the penultimate child in the row. He moved on to bump noggins with the last kid, but the REALLY BIG BOY attacked. For about half a second I really thought a fan was slapping Rey, but I soon realised that had this ACTUALLY happened, the wrestle peeps on Twitter would have been talking about it when I woke up on Wednesday morning. It was in fact Chris Jericho dressed up like a Mysterio super-fan.  Chris Jericho: teeny-tiny enough to pass for a child.  Jeff ran in and tried to help, but things were looking bleak for Rey and he was carted off with his mask in tatters.

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So it appears that Edge and Jericho were in cahoots (I love that word) and were hoping to take Mysterio out, leaving the match void. But they hadn’t banked on Jeff Hardy agreeing to continue with the match as a two-on-one. The match went as expected, with Edge pinning Jeff for the win. But Edge wasn’t done and dragged a giant ladder in to the ring, rolled Jeff in between the two sides and squashed him like a fly under a swatter.

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GAME ON!

smackdown(lite): plaid, cupcakes and champagne

I won’t lie to you, last Friday’s Smackdown was a little lacklustre. It was inevitable really. For what must be the first time ever, Smackdown reigned supreme at a PPV. I imagine all the SD folks downed a few martinis and threw lots of smug looks across the dancefloor at the Raw roster. All apart from CM Punk that is, who had a mango mocktail. One of the nice things about not affiliating myself with one particular brand is that I can jump ship when one goes bad and make babies with the other when it gets all seductive. From now on this will be referred to as Brand Whoring. So, Smackdown, despite not fully lighting my fire this week, I forgive you. Just for the time being. I’ll probably swing back the other way at some point. I’m fickle like that.

Making babies with Smackdown

Making babies with Smackdown

Anyway, rather than try to give you a detailed recap, I think I’ll just speak about some of the more obscure things I noticed this week. My mind wanders. A LOT.

So, we got started with Edge, wearing an awesome plaid shirt. For real, I LOVE them.

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For a couple of years now I’ve been searching for the perfect plaid shirt. Not as easy as it sounds. Stretch-less cotton, buttons, more than my fair share of breastage, a busy pattern…. it’s a nightmare. When I eventually find one that fits without exposing my undergarments I may laminate it and put it in a cabinet for prosperity. Wait, that would defeat the purpose of the search. I digress. This is how not to wear plaid…….

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Teddy bitched at Edge for his illegal win against Jeff Hardy at Judgment Day. Edge retaliated but then the Pied Piper of Wrestle World, Jeff Hardy came out and bit back. He pulled out the old ‘say-the-name-of-the-town-you’re-in’ trick and whipped the crowd in to a frenzy. When he took a poll of the audience to see if they wanted to see him fight Edge that night (DUH! OF COURSE) they all dutifully replied. Either with YEAH of HELL YEAH. I’d have have loved if someone with a little quick wit had come out with something like this………………………

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Next up, Cryme Tyme (OMG they’re actually going to wrestle) teamed up with John Morrison to take on Ricky Ortiz, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas.  Ortiz was referred to as the Richard Simmons of the WWE for his motivational speaking skills. I would like to make a pact with the commentary team…. YOU never mention Richard Simmons again, and I promise to always say nice things about Todd Grisham. The mere mention of that man makes me want to vomit. He gives me night terrors. Simmons, not Grisham.

Josh Matthews interviewed Melina about the number one contender match between my number one girl-crush, Michelle McCool, and my favourite Cool Asian, Gail Kim. Alicia Fox came to deliver a message from Michelle, called her ‘cupcake’, and then all I could think about was this……

A cupcake, not Melina. I want cake about 80% of the time.

A cupcake, not Melina. I want cake about 80% of the time.

Also, I was pretty sure Melina was going to plant a Glasgow Kiss on Alicia, but she just went with a regulation bitch-slap instead. At least she didn’t follow Maryse’s lead and blast her fro with Glow by J-Lo or something. SIDENOTE: I thought about Michelle McCool when I was doing sit-ups in the gym tonight. I figure I probably worked 50% harder thanks to her. Or rather, my embarrassment at NOT looking like her spurred me on. On to the match…….

Pretty good, actually, even on a lacklustre show. Ah, that would be because there was NO women’s match at JD. They were a little fresher than the guys. Michelle pinned Gail for a shot at Melina’s belt.

That's what I look like when I close my eyes.

That's what I look like when I close my eyes.

Moving on swiftly, JR interviewed Rey Mysterio from afar. What, they couldn’t put them in the same room? I REALLY wanted to take the mick out this, but I can’t. Rey Mysterio is too sweet to make fun of, so he gets a really thick sarcasm immunity shield. And anyone who makes the dreams of small children come true kind of has a piece of my heart without even asking. I won’t recap the whole interview, but if you’ve ever wondered why Rey wrestles in a mask, it’s your lucky day. Reasons include:

  1. hiding hideous scales on face  (aww, don’t be so hard on yourself, nothing a little exfoliation couldn’t clear up.)
  2. tipping the nod to heritage. it’s all about the roots, babeh.
  3. symbol of hard graft.
  4. it looks cool.
  5. it gives super powers.
  6. not Rey Mysterio without it.

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Thinking about buying a mask now. The sales pitch worked. My mask-less face is SOOOO uncool.

Back in the ring CM Punk is up against Chris Jericho. In CROTCH WATCH news, Punk was wearing the same trunks he wore at Judgment Day – the dusky blue with tangerine coloured Chicagoan stars.

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Umm, Phillip, I hope you washed those….wearing them twice in THREE days and all. I told you to leave your laundry in the basket by the washing machine so I could do it for you while you were training at the gym.  I did promise I wouldn’t put them on the hot cycle and shrink them again. Your suggestion that I purposely made them two sizes tighter is an outrageous accusation. I only meant to make them ONE size tighter.

The match wasn’t awesome but it was pretty solid. Hey, you know what I was wondering this week?  I was wondering if Punk refuses to let anyone place alcohol in his house. I mean, if he had a girlfriend who drank, would he object if I she left a bottle of champagne or two in his fridge? Would that be a deal breaker? Would prospective girlfriends have to quit drinking to pass his love test? Just wondering. See? TOLD you my mind wanders.

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Not my real fridge. I just wish it was.

The match ended with the arrival of Umaga who, in the words of JR, began “lashing Punk like an animal.” SO. MANY. DIRTY. JOKES. MUST. RESIST…… at least until Extreme Rules has actually taken place. By the way, while he was away nursing his injury (whatever it was) Umaga was sent to to finishing school and has been given some elocution lessons. He speaks now. Who knew? It’s soooo My Fair Lady. I can totally see Professor Higgins playing up to Umaga’s Eliza Dolittle.

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I skipped R-Truth v Dolph Ziggler, so you’ll have to find out what happened there elsewhere. If you actually care about that match, you’re probably on the wrong website. On to Edge v Jeff Hardy. Again. But with a twist. The winner gets to choose the stipulation for the Extreme Rules PPV in three weeks. The match itself was fine and was won by Jeff.  Can you guess which stip he chose? You want a clue? Alright……

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Actually, that sounds AWESOME. I loves me some ladder.

Now, I’m off to consider whether I can bring myself to recap last night’s Raw without punching my fist through a wall in frustration, and to ponder whether I should write the public love letter to Randy Orton I’ve been mulling over for the past couple of weeks. Tough call. I’m going to have to sleep on it. Night-night!

Judgment Day: Stars, Straps and Tantrums

Alrighty, I know this is pretty late. But some stuff’s been going on this week.  I’m sure you don’t want to hear my tales of woe, so I’ll move on. Much as I was tempted to skip recapping this PPV,  I don’t really want to leave any storyline gaps, so here I am.  And it’s not like I gave you nothing this week. I did present my much promised opinions on the Women’s Division. Hopefully by the end of this holiday weekend, I will be all caught up and will have redeemed myself with the regular readers.

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By now, even if you didn’t watch Judgment Day, you’ve probably found out that it wasn’t the most spectacular PPV to ever demand £14.95. But there were a few bright spots.

MATCH ONE: CM Punk v Umaga (Winner)

The hometown boy took on Umaga in a match of revenge. Poor Punk. He leads a clean-living life, plays by the rules, doesn’t cause Mr. M any mischief, and this is the best they would give him.  Come to Ray, sweets. I’ll give you a consolatory squeezy-hug. And look, he went to the trouble of having some new trunks made for his homecoming too. Dusky blue with orange stars. The stars of the Chicago flag, apparently. You learn something new every day.

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BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Punk jumped over the top rope and splashed Umaga over the mats. I LOOOOVE when he does the jumping stuffs.

By the way, what is WRONG with this girl?

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Doesn’t she KNOW that corner spot in the best position in the whole arena? When CM Punk was writhing in pain all over her corner, it appeared it was all she could do to stop herself from screaming “EEWWWW. Boy-Juice! Get offa me!” Silly girl. TOUCH HIM! PAT HIM ON THE BACK! At least whisper some sweet words of encouragement in this ear.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Umaga kicked Punk in to the turnbuckle and smooshed his pretty face with his giant rump. Bad. Painful. And too much Umag-ass. Safe to say he will never be the subject of CROTCH WATCH.  Yeuch!

SIDENOTE: When Todd Grisham thanked all the people watching around the world “….and those in the United Kingdom on Sky Box Office.” I may have thrown my arms in the air, whooped and shouted “THAT’S ME”. Yes, you are correct. I am a loser.

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MATCH TWO: Jack Swagger v Christian (Winner) – ECW Championship

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Christian undressed Swagger at the end of the match. At first I thought it was just wrestling getting even more homo -erotic than it usually is. Especially after Jack Swagger  “grabbed a handful of Christian’s tights.” But no, apparently it’s considered bad form in the collegiate league to compete with your straps down. Hmm. I never knew that. This PPV may not have been all that memorable, but it was certainly educational.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

There wasn’t one. I LOVED this match. LOOOOOVED!

SIDENOTE:  I know Josh Matthews gets a lot of shit for not being the best commentator, but  I like him. It’s kind of nice to see younger guys having a crack of the commentary whip. And I only just noticed that ECW has the best looking announce team across all three brands.

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You’d think I might have noticed that sooner. I mean, look at the competition. My favourite commentary line of this match came from Matt Striker when he said “Look, anyone that’s ever had a bad back in the morning can imagine what it must feel like to have a 6ft 6″ All-American bearing down on you.” Ya know, I’ve never given it much thought before, but now that I have the visual, I kinda like it.

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Nice to see some of the Chicago Bears in the crowd, although, Greg Olsen looked like he couldn’t wait to get home.

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I gots mad love for football (Go Ravens) and hockey (Go Predators)but I struggle with basketball (HATE the thuggery) and baseball (don’t understand it), so this has been an annoying week for me with the whole Denver Nuggets debacle. I’m dreading Next week’s Raw and Smackdown. It’ll be crammed full of cheap jokes. I’ll come back to baseball later. On with JD. ======================================================

MATCH THREE: Shelton Benjamin accompaniedby Charlie Haas v John Morrison (Winner)

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When John Morrison kicked, punched, swung around and swept the legs of Benjamin. It. Was. AWESOME. And so was his finishing move.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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Any moment involving Charlie Haas. There was no reason for him to be there other than to be Benjamin’s personal cheerleader. No women’s match but Haas gets an airing? Poor show, WWE. Poor show indeed.

SIDENOTE:  I think I’m finally getting why Morrison is so revered. Not the sexy shamen stuff, but he is a little bit awesome. And he’s A POET. WOW! Maybe we should get him in the ring with Jeff Hardy for a poetry battle. Like Eminem in 8 Mile, but more cultured.

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I was waiting for the next match when The Miz made an appearance. NOOOOOO! Don’t subject me to this. PLEEEASE. Hold up, is this the first Raw appearance so far? Whoa. Anyway, he dissed Cena….again. And dissed the crowd…..again. Then he ripped the piss outta Chicago….. ’cause there’s no better way to make someone hate your guts than to talk trash about their home town. He then went to on to challenge and throw verbal crap at Alfonso Soriano who, apparently, plays for the Chicago Cubs. I don’t know ANYTHING about baseball, but he seems like a friendly guy. Poor thing. He looked a little heartbroken. At least he smiled. Take note Greg Olsen.

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Michael Cole got it spot on for the next arrival to the ring. Some Italian whaling hit and “You never thought you’d be pleased to see Santino, did ya?” You daaaamn right, baby! Santino did his usual condescending comedy, brought out his bicep guns and a fight ensued. The crowd booed and yayed like it was a pantomime and then Chavo ran in to take out Santino. Huh? Oh, Edge told him earlier in the show that he’d let Vickie down by not defending her honour against Santino’s pig jokes. *sigh*

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MATCH FOUR:  Rey Mysterio (Winner) v Chris Jericho – Intercontinental Championship

Jericho did a promo just before going out in to the ring and used the following words:

Controversy, Conspiracy, Vilified, Chastised, Parasitic, Gelatinous, Tapeworms and Intercontinental. So you know how THAT went. By the way, sweetheart, you know I love you so I feel able to say this – time for a new hair-do. When this starts happening…….

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GO SHORTER! Kiss-kiss!

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Jericho was finally able to drag Mysterio in to the Walls of Jericho and the crowd went nuts. And I thought everyone was waiting for the 619. LOTS of Chris Jericho fans in Chi-town.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

NOTHING. It was the best match of the night. They’re both a couple of grafters so we shouldn’t have expected anything less. Beautiful!

SIDENOTE: I know Rey Mysterio’s always all about the kids, but how sweet was it when he gave that kid his necklace. You can’t buy that kind of excitement.

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My favourite quote from JR was when he said “Chris Jericho has been called many things, including an angry man in a suit!” Yawch! I remember, once, when I had PMS, I was wearing a cardigan, and someone called me an angry girl in a cardigan, and it HURT SO BAAAAAD!

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MATCH FIVE: Randy Orton (Winner) v Dave Batista – WWE Championship

Hold the phone, are we really almost two hours in and this is the first Raw match? Congratulations Smackdown. You just graduated!

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Randy Orton’s IED kicked in and he started throwing the kind of tantrum small children throw in the middle of the supermarket when they want a lollipop but can’t have one. I love when he does that viper thing and starts crawling around on his fists. It’s a little bit sexy.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

Times is hard in the financial sector

Times is hard in the financial sector

It pains me to have to do this, but it was when Ric Flair came out to rescue Dave from a three-pronged attack from Orton, Rhodes and DiBiase. I’m the first to admit that wrestling doesn’t hang in the realms of reality, but seriously, a man in his 60s beating up three men in their 20s? Please don’t insult my intelligence. I know I’m a sucka, but not THAT much of a sucka.

SIDENOTE: Retired is, as retired does. That is all.

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MATCH SIX: John Cena (Winner) v Big Show

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When John lifted Big Show on his shoulders. I know he’s done it before, but it makes me feel all warm inside when he does his extraordinary displays of brute strengh.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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Pretty much everything else. It was painful. Horrible, horrible and, oh yeah, horrible.

SIDENOTE: Why why why did they make us watch this match? Big Show can’t hang with John. They’re bad for each other. This whole feud is ridiculous and pointless. Hey, you, yeah you, Lawler, you know before the match when you said “this is the one I’VE been waiting for.” You’re an effing liar!

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MATCH SIX: Jeff Hardy v Edge (Winner) – Heavyweight Championship

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Edge took a groin to the face, tried to slam Jeff down but was countered when Jeff slipped over Edge’s head and flipped him over the other way. It was a wicked move.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Matt Hardy ran in from the crowd and knocked Jeff over, losing him the match………L.A.M.E

SIDENOTE: Something didn’t work heree and I think it’s because they didn’t build the feud for long enough. I can’t bear when they’ve only got three weeks between PPVs. It’s almost as if they’re afraid of building stories that don’t lead up to Wrestlemania or Summerslam or Survivor Series. I’m lucky. Because of the ungodly start times, some of my PPVs are free.  For people who have to pay for every one, they’re running too often. So everyone loses.

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