raw(lite): almost as important as my birthday

It’s been a busy week round these parts. The lofty business of higher education and facilitating the graduation of the kiddies under my wing has been hectic beyond any kind of hectic I’ve ever experienced.  An Everest type mountain of paperwork, so many digits my eyes started shivering, and almost impossible deadlines that were so tight they made my heart beat faster (not in a good Jeff Hardy in a falling towel sort of way – Thanks Adam & Matt). On the plus side, the chaos was punctuated by my birthday, which was made even better by the personal birthday card and message from my John. He even recorded a special message for me. Wondering why he didn’t say my name? He did. ‘Champ’ is his cute nickname for me. Listen…..

(click n play)

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I’m coming to get some, John. I’m coming!

Soooo, another event almost as important as my birthday took place this week. Yes, a special 3-hour Raw that wasn’t just Raw, because it had Smackdown and ECW matches on it too.  Like a Pay Per View, but not, ’cause it’s  free. Huh? Let’s give this strange hybrid a whirl, shall we?

It’s Raw, so who’s the first person out? Oh, Chris Jericho. According to Jericho, Raw has gone in to a tumultuous tailspin since he left. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, Chris, but……. Anyway, he couldn’t go on without insulting the crowd in his usual adjective heavy manner. This week’s Jericho Jibe is brought to you by the phrase “All of you [the crowd] are still the same ignorant, insipid, bulbous manatees you’ve always been.”

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Charlotte residents, according to Jericho. Cuter than Ric Flair, anyway.

He went on to diss Rey Mysterio which, of course, was answered but the playing of Booyaka-Booyaka-619! Good lord, I do love when Rey’s all fired up and angry. Raaaaawr! As soon as the bell tolled he tripped Jericho, leaped on to him and began the onslaught.  But Chrissy-boy was not over-n-out. I know people are getting a bit bored with these two together, but seriously, they are awesome rivals in the ring. AWE-SOME! Mysterio jumped from the top rope on to Jericho, but Chris managed to grab him and started pulling his mask off again. Worried about being exposed further, Rey grabbed at the mask and  lost his concentration, giving Jericho the cover.

vlcsnap-848244 copyKnow what I feel like now? A Josh Matthews and Randy Orton interview. Well, whaddaya know, here’s one right now. I love when I get what I want.  I’m not entirely sure what happened in the first part of the interview, because I was Googling ‘How tall is Josh Matthews?’ and was shocked to find out he’s 7″ taller than me. Which means that Randy would be REALLY EFFING HUGE stood up against me. NIIICE! If I ever get one of those “Please welcome my guest at this time…….” jobs, I’m gonna need a little box to stand on. Like when Vickie had to do scenes where she was stood next to Big Show.

Anyway, Randy was kind of mean and Josh being a sweet little thing, John Cena (fresh from recording my birthday message) came to the rescue. He told Josh to run along and took Randy on himself. John suggested that the WWE Universe would like to know why Randy is such a gutless, spineless, disrespectful Grand Wizard of the Baby Oil Boys’ Club. He also went on to suggest that, as Randy seemed to have forgotten there were FOUR people contesting for the WWE Championship now that Batista was out of action, maybe all the oil he rubs on himself was starting to rot his brain.

Ok, first of all, this whole scene =

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Secondly, Grand Wizard? Baby Oil Boys’ Club? Too easy, John. WAY too easy. But that doens’t mean I’m not gonna do this………………..

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Moving on, Mr. McMahon had an announcement to make and, apparently, it wasn’t to announce the new GM in the wake of Vickie G’s resignation. Ok, here’s where my timezone problem chimes in and stops me from getting the full impact of this whole thing. In theory, if I had avoided being on the internet for the whole of Tuesday, I could have watched Raw after work and experienced its dramatic events the same as everyone in North America. But asking me to stay away from the information super highway for  a full 24 hours is like asking Barack Obama to stop being charismatic for 24 hours. Ain’t gonna happen. So I’ll do my best to act surprised, but I can’t promise successful faking. K?

Vince McMahon, looking even more tangerine coloured than usual, appeared on the Titantron and announced that he had sold the Raw brand to a currently unnamed bidder.

Convincing performance? Send my Oscar via FedEx. Thanks.

Convincing performance? Send my Oscar via FedEx. Thanks.

Faced with the trauma of knowing that Raw had been sold to a mystery wealthy person, what else could they do but send out an ECW title match to refocus the mind. Christian (who is the owner of my fave theme music in the whole company BTW) made his way out, closely followed by current champion, Tommy Dreamer. Oh, right, I skipped Extreme Rules. He won the belt and a contract extension at the PPV. All caught up? Good. Christian put up a good fight, but Dreamer capitalised on Christian’s niggly ankle and pinned him, keeping the belt for another week.

Dave Batista successfully underwent major bicep surgery this past week to repair the injury he suffered at the evil hands of Randy Orton and a steel chair. Yah. That was it. Randy did it. He didn’t have the injury already. Honest.

Mmmm. Iodine-y.

Mmmm. Iodine-y.

But all this means the WWE Championship is up for grabs and so important is its capture that we were graced with a countdown clock leading up to the match. Phew! I would have missed it had I not had the clock on the screen. Mr. RKO, John Cena, Big Show and the newly returned Triple H batttled it out to take home the belt. Eight minutes after the bell ding-ding-dinged, Big Show was bearing the brunt of everyone’s attack and it looked as if John was going to pin Show for the title. But he hadn’t counted on Randy Orton slithering his way under the ropes. Randy slammed John in to the turnbuckle, put a beautiful RKO on Big Show and pinned him. He grabbed at the belt like a kid grabbing at his new Tonka Truck on Christmas day and triumphantly made his way up the ramp.

vlcsnap-87837 copyAlright, with the WWE championship in the hands of, well, anyone, it was time for Vince to tell us who he was selling Raw to.  It waaaaaaaaaaas *drumroll*…..

Donald J. Trump. Yep. Him. Billionaire dude. Legendary businessman. Head honcho on the American version of The Apprentice. Had it been Alan Sugar I might have been happy, but I was initially furious. Like I said in my last audio post, I like to see non-wrestling jobs go to people with a connection to the industry. It’s the wrestling tree of life. I was annoyed that someone with no connection other than a much publicised Wrestlemania Battle of the Billionaires which ended with Vince being scalped a few years ago, had been given such a high profile role. But, after listening to the business and marketing pitch on episode 3 of Kick-Out!! Radio this week, I concede that my stance was a little naiive. Must learn to engage my brain before speaking.

Donald Trump, who managed to look even more orange than Mr. M, will just be a figurehead for Raw. It’s not like he’ll be the GM, popping up on every show. He’ll appoint a general manager and things will swiftly move on. And, I wonder how Shane and Stephanie feel about this? Aren’t they heirs to the company? Will they be happy that daddy dearest sold off their inheritance? Doubtful. Actually this could be more interesting than I originally thought.

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This whole segment was followed by Mickie James vs Rosa Mendes. Rosa wrestles? Really? Good for her. If ever you thought WWE doesn’t care that much about the Women’s Division, your fears were confirmed when it created a nothing match and put it right after the biggest announcement in weeks.  It was almost like saying, we’ll put something on nobody will care about so everyone at home can have five minutes to digest and debate D. Trump’s “purchase” of Raw. Sometimes I feel like giving up on this crusade. But I won’t.  Mickie won, Maryse did a hair swirl, Mickie tried to kick her in the face and Maryse ran away laughing.

Feeling like the crowd needed some light relief, we returned to join Goldust and Hornswoggle in the ring, shooting t-shirts in to the audience with one of those mascot machine gun thingies. Aww. Nice guys. But they were rudely interrupted by The Miz, as per usual, so I went out to take a whizz. Which is why I’m not sure what else happened in this part, but it ended up with The Miz knocking Goldust out and shooting Hornswoggle in the knackers with the t-shirt missile launcher. I get the feeling this ain’t over.

imyrimytsAnyone else need a break from Raw? Yeah, me too. Let’s Down some Smack with Edge, Punk and Jeff.  There I was thinking that the two big events this week were my birthday and the Trump topic. But there was something else. Something really special I didn’t think I would be welcoming back so soon. Yes, it’s the majestic return of CROTCH WATCH. If you’re new here and unfamiliar with CROTCH WATCH, it all started when CM Punk started wearing some rather skimpy, lavender tinted trunks. So taken with them was I, that I began monitoring Punk’s choice of trunks on a weekly basis. Purely for fashion purposes of course. But, he soon stopped wearing the light coloured trunks and I took the hint that I was being inappropriate, putting that segment away in the back of my knicker drawer until he decided he missed the attention.

It appeared it only took two weeks for him to miss my perving and he came out this week in WHITE TRUNKS. WHITE! Everyone knows that people who wear white bathing suits (and wrestle trunks) WANT to be noticed in the groinal area. How lovely to know he really did enjoy being the object of my affections after all.

So. Yeah. There was a match too. It was actually the best match of the night. I love you, Smackdown. Despite all the ‘over-egging the pudding’ in the Raw storylines, Smackdown still managed to pull an awesome match out of the bag without a ridiculous fanfare. Beautiful.

Edge ran at Punk to try and take him out with a spear, but Punk did an amazing jump over his head and Edge took Jeff out instead. Punk threw Edge in to the turnbuckle, and was running at him when Edge managed to push him over the ropes, damaging his knee on the steel steps as he fell. The medics came to Punk’s aide while Edge and Jeff continued in the ring. Jeff stuck a Swanton on him and went in for the pin, but Punk managed to get back on his feet, dragged Jeff out and pinned Edge to keep his title. Oh my god. AMAZIIIING!

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Now a return to Raw. Or is it ECW? Oh, it’s both. The Hart Dynasty v Primo and Carlito. And we had the pleasure of listening to Rhodes and DiBiase at the announce table. They rendered the match pointless by interrupting it. What a waste of The Hart Dynasty. Was that the first time we’ve seen them outside ECW? I think so. Shame.

Know what else was a waste of time? The 16-man Battle Royal*. It was like they were saying, we’ve got loads of Raw guys who didn’t get a pop this week, so we’ll put 16* men in the ring and let Triple H win. He’ll only end up taking his revenge on Randy at The Bash anyway. But wait, the new boss-man has something to say. Trump decided that he didn’t want to wait for The Bash. Orton v Triple H would be on the next Raw. That gives me hope of something different for The Bash. My feelings of hope are often way off kilter though.

* I know it was 10. But there were so many faces I couldn’t keep up  with who was there. It was a joke that went over most people’s heads. It’s ok. I know I’m not very funny. Thank you to those who took the time to email me to tell me I got it wrong. I know. It was deliberate.

more adventures in audio

Yep, a week has passed already and despite not thinking I’d be doing another audio post for some time, I’ve done it already. Thanks to my brother, Cezza, not only for helping me figure out this technology stuff but also for being an awesome guitarist and allowing me to use one of his very own tracks at the beginning and the end of the post. You can follow him on Twitter right here.

I actually picked a topic this week that wasn’t, well, me! I was afraid I was turning in to Ron Burgundy. It would be great to know what you think about what I discuss in this post, so please get in touch once you’ve listened.

This was kind of a serious topic so I’ll make the next one more fun.  Feel free to email me with suggestions.

Here goes part two of my adventures in audio……….

Raw(lite): win and you’re in

A change, Sheryl Crow said, does us good. Although, if you listen to the rest of the lyrics from that song I think she may have been wasted when she wrote it. Anyway, yes, change. Instead of the usual 15 minute superstar/GM sermon to kick off Raw this week, we went straight in to a match. Randy and Shane to be precise. Well, we’ve seen them in the ring together so much lately, it’s not like we needed an introduction anyway.

There seems to be a lot of  ‘let’s run in to the crowd to get them all fired up’ of late. Shane and Randy participated in this too. You have to feel for the arena staff when this happens. There they are, thinking they’ll have an easy night, then all of a sudden they have thousands of lunatics all trying to grab a swab of Randy’s perspiration to sell on ebay.

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After the crowd surfing, Shane splayed Randy across the announce table and set himself up for a leap from the top rope. But hold on, no Orton/McMahon match is complete without its supporting cast, so here come Rhodes and DiBiase to rescue Randy. The three furr-less wolves surround Shane and begin ripping him apart. Hark, I do believe that’s the cue for another member of the chorus to appear. Here comes M.V.P to save Shane from a wolf attack.  Hark again, the numbers are still uneven and two members of Team Corporate are in distress. *BING-BONG* Paging Dr. Batista-Paging Dr. Batista – you have an emergency in the ring. Please proceed immediately.

Dr. Dave answered his page and the beginning of Raw began to resemble utter carnage. Mummy Guerrero had to put a stop to this foolishness. You naughty boys, you.  She calmed things down by announcing that if the cavalry wanted to be involved in the second Orton/Shane match that night, they’d have to earn it. Dave had to take on DiBiase and M.V.P had to go against Cody Rhodes. If they win, they’re in.  An explosive start to Monday Night Raw INDEED, Michael Cole.

Quick fashion moment, courtesy of Gok Wan. If you’re short, like Mrs. G (and me) avoid T-Bar and ankle strap heels with a skirt. They cut the leg off too early and make you look even shorter. Try a nice open pump instead. They lengthen the leg.

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Back in the ring, Matt Hardy (still bleating about his metacarpals) is up against Kofi Kingston. Apparently he’s filed a formal complaint with the appropriate authorities about having to fight while injured. What? Vince allowed them to form a union? Isn’t that, like, a human right or something? Whoa!

It wasn’t much of a match. I mean, how interesting can it be with one of them being one-handed. Actually, it was more interesting listening to Cole and Lawler trying to talk about wanking without letting on to the kids they were talking about wanking. What ELSE can’t you do with your right hand in a cast? Hee-hee-hee. Juveniles. Kofi Kingston won, but Hardy used his cast to knock him out after the match had ended.

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Behind the curtain, Santino Marella is telling the obligatory Oink Flu joke to KellyX2 and then to Chavo. I tried not to laugh. Really, I did. But I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes I hate myself for loving you, WWE.

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After another Backlash recap relating to my John and Big Show, we head back behind the curtain again where Big Show is moaning to Vickie about getting a match against John Cena at Judgement Day.  She obliges and we scoot across to M.V.P, who is preparing for his match against Cody Rhodes while being mauled by the Bella Twins. Rhodes is already in the ring, and William Regal returns to the floor in the commentary seat.

Oh dear, William Regal, why must you be such an irritating nutter?And just for the record, not all British people are clueless to the phrase ‘Ballin’. Stop playing the dumb Brit, Regal. The Rhodes/M.V.P match was rolling along well but then, in an act of desperation, William Regal began offering himself as a tag partner to Cody Rhodes. When the offer was turned down he interfered anyway and tripped M.V.P, leaving Rhodes to win by count-out.  So that gives M.V.P a nice little feud with Regal for JD.

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Soooo, following that Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler introduced a sing-off to rival Smackdown’s  horrible dance-off last week. What? WHAT? Seriously, Raw, that was one of the weakest parts of Smackdown. You could have skipped Jillian and Festus crooning it out .  As it happened, my dad arrived just as this was going on. I dare you to try and defend this shit when a non-wrestling person is watching it with you. My heart broke trying to come up with something to justify it. But at least it had a modicum of comedy value.

And just to wind me up even more, all that tom-foolery was followed by a visit from The Miz. I can feel my blood pressure rising already….and not in a really pleasurable CM Punk way either. His adventures in arrogance continued as he challenged John Cena, once again to take him on. Puh-lease. John couldn’t handle it any more and came out to shut this child up. I should point out that the person you saw coming out to the ring was NOT the real John Cena. It was a life-sized action figure fashioned from resin and a skin-like silicone substance. That’s why he was walking in that awkward manner and that’s why he couldn’t defend himself when Big Show attacked. There’s only so much you can make an action figure do. Trust me, I’ve tried.

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The real John Cena is crashing at my place while he recuperates. He’s not an easy patient to take care of.  He wants to get back in the ring so he can do some damage to the Big Show. But I’ve reminded him that he’s gotta take it easy. He can have his revenge at Judgement Day. Until then I’ll continue applying calamine lotion to his burns, will carry on changing his bandages at regular intervals and will keep bringing him miniature animals to cuddle. They cheer him up, even though he still looks a bit sad in this one.

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Sooooo, back in the realms of reality, Jared the Subway Guy is announcing the Mickie James/Maryse match.  HUH? Oh, Subway is the sponsor. Ok. You know, sometimes I’m really glad I know a little bit about America, or Jared would have gone straight over my head. Anyway, This was a really solid match. I love when they give the women a few minutes just to wrestle. No gimmicks, no silliness, no…errr…..lady-boys? Just some proper wrestling. Mickie James made a flying leap at Maryse’s face and pinned her for the win.

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Back to the boys and Batista is taking on Ted DiBiase for an opportunity to join their personal leader in the final match of the night. It was looking like Dave had the upper hand being that, ya know, he’s twice Ted’s size and all.  He had him in the corner of the ring….almost looking like he was trying to angrily hump him. But then he got a bit over-excited and was disqualified. NO, not THAT kind of over-excited. Don’t be filthy! Uh-oh. It’s looking like Shane is going to be outnumbered in the ring. DOH!

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Carlito beat ‘The’ Brian Kendrick (well if Lillian can do it, so can I) and we’re at our main event of the night – Shane versus ALL of Legacy. Ooh. Bummer.  Shane was psyching himself up in the hallway when Dave came to apologise for leaving him all on his lonesome. There may have been more to the conversation but the giant, pulsating vein running up Dave’s arm demanded my attention. Kind of like when you’re talking to a guy wearing an awful toupee and all you can think about is the mop of horse mane slapped on their bonce.What did he do….swallow a pack of Gummi Worms the wrong way? Eeek.

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Down in the arena, Team Cyborg are making their way to the ring.  There is no purpose for this next picture other than to admire Randy Orton’s thighs. You could crack walnuts with those thighs. Actually, you could even crack Brazil nuts….and they’re the bitchiest of all the nuts to crack. Even my Dad commented on the fact that Randy’s got “very impressive quads”.  And he works in medicine and sports, so he knows his muscle groups.

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This match reminds of the episode of Friends where Monica’s boyfriend Pete (the millionaire businessman) decides he wants to become a UFC fighter, just for the hell of it. (Click here for the clip).  In theory, Shane should end up looking like this…….

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But we all know that the WWE isn’t like real life. In fact, it isn’t even as real as Friends…and that’s about as big a fantasy as it gets. Shane held his own pretty well considering it was a three against one handicap match. But it all started going wrong when Shane tried to put Randy through the announce table for the second time that night and missed by a mile, injuring himself in the process.

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From then on in it was downhill for Shaney-boy. Not only did his right ankle fall victim to a ‘steel’ chair, it then fell victim to dun-dun-duuuun…. the ‘steel’ stairs. At this point the officials decided Shane had received enough punishment and separated Legacy from their prey.  It was looking like it was all over when Dr. Dave answered his pager again and ran in to rescue the boss. Legacy got down low and scuttled away like the pack of smooth-skinned dogs they are. Batista beat himself up for not being there to protect Shane O’Mac. Popping veins ahoy! Poor ole Shane was wheeled out on a gurney and Chief-Robot-Randy reminded Dave that his JD was coming. And I don’t mean he was gonna mix him a Lynchburg Lemonade. I believe I just lost my heart to a nutcracking robot.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch Smackdown in bed with a box of tissues. BECAUSE I’VE GOT A COOOLD. I swear, your minds practically LIVE in the gutter.

Raw(lite): partie une – d’introductions

This is actually the second time I’ve written this post. I had almost finished it when my laptop decided to throw a wobbler. Once it rebooted only a small portion of what I had written had saved. I was CRUSHED. And, oh dear, two recaps to write before the next Raw. Whoops. Time hates me. And huge thanks to the universe for giving me a full-power migraine last night, scuppering my writing plans. I had flickering lights and everything. It was disco-time in my head. Anyway, I am now making a recovery so I’ll make an attempt at recapping Raw (for the second time) and will try to remember all the hilarious jokes I cracked first time around. You can’t just summon up that kind of spontaneity, ya know. I’m an artist.

With Backlash out of the way this week’s Raw and Smackdown were an opportunity to move on, start afresh and introduce old faces to new brands. It really was a week for introductions, and it felt like stepping outside on a beautiful Spring day and filling my lungs with fragrant, clean air. And how often can you really mention the words ‘wrestling’ and ‘fragrant’ in the same sentence?

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Raw kicked off with Mouth-Almighty (Vickie Guerrero) in the ring, sporting some new hair extensions.  She introduced Randy Orton, who did the robot and made his way to the ring, flanked by Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. Gotta be honest, I thought he milked the entrance a bit, but hey, I’d rather that than Triple H.

Randy swelled his own ego with a rousing speech of hatred. I think maybe the management realised that we’ve become quite fond of Randy in recent weeks and we needed to hate him again.  What better way to make someone hate you than batter their self-esteem.  Apparently, those of us in our twenties and younger hope for big things, huge success, we have big dreams, but in the end the odds are we will amount to nothing. YYYYYYYAAAAWCH! Randy, why you hurt me like that? What have I done to you? See, now I just wanna prove you wrong. And the outlook is in even bleaker for people in the thirties and older. Chances are they already ARE nothing. :( But as long as Randy is a success, that’s all that matters, right? Hate him enough now, do ya? Yeah, me too. BOOOOOOO! Mission accomplished, writing team.

Vickie fawned all over Randy like a giddy teenager and went on to announce that the winner of the Big Show/Batista match that night would be number one contender for Randy’s belt at Judgement Day.

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We were then reminded that we, fans and fellow supa-stahs, were obliged to respect Mr. Orton’s achievements.  But then he was conveniently interrupted by some tick-tocking. M.V.P. When he came out I was thinking ‘meh’. By the time he left, I was a fan. I’m such a sucka. I play right in to Vince’s hands every time. So, a challenger for Randy Orton. Cool. DiBiase stepped up and encouraged Montel to leave while he had the chance. And his response…. “Break yo-self, lackie, Randy didn’t give you permission to speak. So I ain’t going nowhere. Dig this Randy, I don’t have a couple of Abercrombie and Fitch models to do my talking for me. “ YEEEEEEAH! Sorry, but you know I couldn’t resist this.

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M.V.P offered himself up on a plate to Randy, Cody whined, Randy whispered sweet nothings in Vickie’s ear, she confirmed that Randy and Montel would get it on on Raw that night….and no, Vickie still can’t pronounce Orton. Enunciate, baby.

First match of the night was Brian Kendrick vs Kofi Kingston. That’s right, I left out the ‘THE’, what are YOU gonna do about it, doll-face-ache? Pretty decent match.  I like Kingston. I’m looking forward to a couple of years from now when he will be main-eventing. Yes, King, it is exciting to watch Kofi Kingston.  He pinned Kendrick FTW.  After a recap of John Cena’s dive in to a 7000w searchlight (oh, that’s what it was), we take a trip backstage with Vickie and Big Show. Don’t pretend you didn’t say EEEWWWWW! in your head.

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It may very well get awful lonely on Monday nights, but I’d rather be lonely every night than, ya know.  Good call, Vickie. Professional was definitely the way to go.

From the slightly ridicuous to the absolutely abominable. SantinA Marella, Kelly-Kelly, Brie Bella and Mickie James Vs Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, Jillian and Maryse. You know what? At some point, when I have a little more time, I’m going to break the habit of a lifetime and do a serious post about the women of the WWE. And unlike the ladies, it won’t be pretty. It’s getting to the stage where I almost can’t stand it any more. The whole ‘match’ was gross. This pretty much sums it up. Bleurgh!

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And just to make up a hatrick of silliness, Matt Hardy solemnly walked to the ring, cradling his broken hand and branding his brother a barbarian. Ooh so many B’s.  Apparently he ‘suffered a brutal break to his second metacarpal’.  Mmmm, medical terminology. Yum. I loves me some doctor speak. According to my deductions (meaning I asked my Dad) you would not be wrapped in a large arm cast for a broken metacarpal unless the fracture had travelled down the finger in to the hand.  He certainly wouldn’t be able to wiggle his digits so freely. Trust me, I know.  I broke my fingers during a particularly….err…passionate game of netball in high school. But whatever. I just remembered none of this is real anyway.

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Goldust appeared, looking more and more like his father every day, to fight a one-handed Matt Hardy under duress. Check out those golden jowls.  Matt, somehow, pinned Goldust and left the ring pulling ‘Oww, it hurts’ faces.

Time for a real match. Randy Orton and M.V.P.  This turned out to be a great match. No, really.  Their styles seemed to compliment each other and I was really getting in to the actual wrestling. Cheering, gasping, punching my fist for M.V.P. But then just as I was starting to enjoy the end of the Orton/McMahon debacle,  this happened (skip to 1m 55s)……

Bloody hell! Why d’you have to go and spoil it? UUUUUURRRGH! Shane, get back to boardroom and do what you’re paid to do. The party’s over. Let the talent do the wrestling. I beg of you. You can stop impressing your Dad now.

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Next up, The Miz. Google his name and he’ll have more hits than any one of us. Oh, and apparently Lauren Conrad, Paris Hilton and The Duff Sisters are in his phone and don’t know who the hell I am. I’m DEVASTATED. It’s my life’s ambition to receive a text message from Paris telling me that something is HAAAAT. Errrrrm, no. God, I know this guy is SUPPOSED to be annoying. I know he’s MEANT to make me wanna flip him the bird, but damn, it worked.

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All up in my face, challenging John Cena after he’s been thrown through glass and belittling his movies. Yawch. Ok, maybe he can have that one. But still, URGH! And where do you get off picking on Lillian Garcia? She sings the national anthem and announces everyone’s stats. WTF did she do to you, jackass? I SO want Lillian’s job, by the way. Although, I doubt I’d be able to keep my cool announcing certain people to ring.

Thankfully, this irritating segment was followed by a flick through the photo album from the recent WWE tour of Europe. It’s highly probable that I squealed a high pitched WHEEEEEEE when this came on the screen.

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Ha. That’s where I’m from. And they were in my town. Yey. And they’ve actually got my town’s name on Raw. Ha. Wait. That’s John Cena in one of those pictures. I didn’t know he was in town. I thought it was just the mid-carders. Shit. I missed John.  Well now I’m just depressed. Thanks, Raw. Thanks a lot. Just give me another match to cheer me up. Oh, Tag-Team stuff. I’m feeling too blue to talk about that, so just know that Carlito and Primo beat Jamie Noble and Chavo when Carlito pinned Noble.

I need something to make me smile again. Ah-ha, here we go. Dave Batista about to cry. Result! Little Josh Matthews went up to big Dave Batista and asked him if he felt responsible for Triple H’s loss at Backlash. Brave, Matthews. Very brave. I like your moxy. Dave did a weepy piece to camera about how he felt Hunter’s pain and would hurt Randy Orton on his behalf. Ok, I’m back. Me smiley again.

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But then Vickie Guerrero made a meal of announcing that next week’s Raw would include a match between Shane McMahon and Randy Orton. Excuse me while I choke on my own metacarpals. Something NOT to look forward to.  That news almost spoilt Dave’s match with Big Show completely for me. If it wasn’t for the fact that Dave’s trunks started riding up fairly early on and he didn’t feel inclined to re-position them, I would have turned off early.

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By the way, David, I TOTALLY blame you for Ricky Hatton’s loss against Manny Pacquiao last night. I fully believe that if you hadn’t escorted Manny to the ring and worked some kind of voodoo on my Ricky, he definitely would have won.

In a pleasurable twist, John Cena (remarkably uncut by all that glass) stumbled his way to the ramp, distracted Big Show, costing him not only the match, but also the opportunity to fight for some bling at Judgement Day. Oh John, I can always rely on you to be my hero and cheer me up the end of a bad day. Well, he DOES love me. He said so publicly last week on Superstars. Ah, I feel better now. Time to go recap some Smackdown.

Backlash: sweeping the big janitor’s broom

Following Wrestlemania is a tough gig. If the WWE were a Hollywood red carpet, Backlash would be the poor soul who has to step on the velvet five seconds after Angelina Jolie arrived. After the most sought after ‘event’ has arrived, everything else is kind of a let-down.

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But Backlash does serve a purpose.  It serves as one of those wide janitor’s brooms, sweeping away the dead feuds and fights, and making way for a brand new year.  Yes, you’re right, I AM feeling very philosophical today. Backlash turned out to be surprisingly good. Let’s see how it all panned out.

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After an intro which sounded like an excerpt from a Tolkien novel, it was time to get down to the serious business of belt exchange. ECW kicked everything off with Christian/Jack Swagger. Yes, I am a peep. I was looking forward to this one. I’m ashamed to say that I don’t give ECW enough of my time, but at least I get to dip a toe in to extweem waters at the PPVs.

The match was very good. There was something very amateur about it. And I mean that in the olympic sense of two men spooning and flipping each other. I like submission moves only slightly less than the high-flying-jumpy nonsense.  I think it’s all that long drawn-out touching. The match also produced some in-ring man-hugs, which you know make me all warm and fuzzy inside. They held each other so tight I started singing Johnny Logan’s Hold Me Now. Nothing like a bit of shit Irish pop from the 80s to really pep up a wrestling match.

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Christian won and the peeps went wild, including me. Who’d have thought I’d get so excited about an ECW match? Time for Captain Charisma to take his new bling backstage and receive some love from his fellow ECW buds. But wait….someone else is waiting in the wings too. EDGE. Oh My God.  Seeing the two of them together again was like opening an old photo album from a decade ago.  Amazing. And I loved the whole ‘what happened to you? bit. You used to be…I dunno…fun?’ Edge you’ve chaaaaanged. It’s kind of early in the show for this, but hey, I’ve got plenty of capacity for multiple ones…… WRESTLEGAAAAASSSSSMMM! Oooof! That was nice. What’s next?

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Uh-oh. I don’t know if I’m quite ready for another wrestlegasm yet. Chris Jericho’s  on his way to the ring. Give me a minute……. Ok, so, on the Raw after Wrestlemania Ricky Steamboat made a big, dragon sized splash. And as the WWE has a penchant for milking a good thing for everything it’s worth, almost a month on they’re still wheeling the poor guy out against Jericho. Is it just me or did Ricky lose a few clumps of hair between Raw and Backlash? He looked extra old, making my earlier claim that he was kind of sexy even more vomit enducing by the day. Anyway….fight.

It wasn’t a great match. It was, however,  very noisy. There was lots of AAAAAAAAAAAAH! OHHHHHHHHHHH! HUHHHHHHH! COME OOOOOOON! But if you think about the fact that this is a 56 year old man holding his own against a man young enough to be his son (just) it was quite impressive(ish).I suppose because the match was the end of a feud it didn’t really mean anything. It’s all finito.  Jericho twisted Ricky in to the Walls of Jericho and forced him to tap out. Chris left the ring and let the ledge have his moment in the sun.

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There was a backstage moment between Santino and Beth, but at this stage I was still boycotting their story so I closed my eyes and ears off to it.  Back in the arena Kane and CM Punk were preparing for battle. I almost cut the next part out. My infatuation with ‘CM Punk’s Junk’ has been remarked upon elsewhere in unfavourable terms.  But, well, who cares what anyone else thinks?   My mission statement warned against this kind of sexual silliness so, legally, I’m covered.

Punk is wearing the lavender coloured trunks again.  He obviously read last week’s Raw recap and wore them especially for me….being that I enjoyed them so much. Oh you’re such a flirt, Punky, but you know I love a flirt.  Mwah! So, yeah, there was actually a match too. Gotta be honest, I can’t remember much. I really was too distracted. And it was another one of those ‘end of game’ matches, allowing Kane to avenge his loss in the Wrestlemania Money in the Bank match and move on.  It was actually pretty solid throughout, and ended with Kane pinning Punk.

Much as I love the lavender shorts, they do have the disadvantage of being quite indescreet with regard to ass-sweat.  Personally, I like to think the wet patches are physical symbols of effort, but you might wanna get some Right Guard down there if you’re going to continue wearing those shorts for me, hun.

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Now on to Brother vs Brother in the ‘I Quit’ match.  I was surpised how much I enjoyed this match. I had planned for boredom and planted Glamour magazine down the side of the armchair in case I needed some additional stimulation. But who needs to know how to recreate Miley Cyrus’ cover-look when you’ve got the wrestling equivalent of Joan Rivers in the ring, in the form of the referee. Armed with a big fluffy mic in his back pocket, he annoyingly shoved it in between Matt and Jeff’s lips at every possible opportunity. At least he didn’t call either of them a fugly bitch or frighten small children with his face.

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It was all going as expected until proceedings took a sinister twist.  Matt was rolling around in agony. Then came the table, which Matt was spread across. Then, by some magical coincidence, some duct tape and rope appeared. This doesn’t look good for Matthew. Jeff tied him up like a side of beef ready for roasting. All of a sudden I’ve got a hankering for gravy.

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Then came the ladder. Uh-oh.  Followed by the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in ages. Matt, tied to a table, pleading for his life. “JEFF. I’M SORRY, JEFF. I LOVE YOU, JEFF. MATT  LOVES YOU. WE’RE BROTHERS. THE HARDY BOYS. WE CAN DO IT ALL AGAIN. DADDY WOULDN’T LIKE IF YOU DID THIS.” Oh my god, it was amazing, in such a bad way. See what I mean about the WWE being comical in all the wrong places?

Realising that Jeff wasn’t about to retreat, Matt shouted out ‘I QUIT’ and the bell was tolled. But that didn’t stop he of the purple locks. He jumped over the top of his ladder and planted his posterior on his brother’s breast-bone. There’s nothing like family, eh?

Randy Orton did a little piece to camera and back in the arena The Great Khali was carrying his colossal carcus to the ring. Christ, if I wasn’t reviewing this shit I SOOOOOO would have fast-forwarded this next segment. See all the pain I put myself through for my readers? I’m a trooper. Much as I tried to resist it, I did laugh. Even though in my head I was saying “Don’t laugh. It’ll only encourge them to keep churning out this bollocks.” Santino Marella, as far as comedy performances go, is actually really good. But the stories they give him are beyond irritating. The Rock managed to be funny without dressing like a lady. I tried not to laugh when Santina declared her love for Jim Ross, but I couldn’t help it. And when Khali ripped Santina/o’s top off, leaving her/him running out the arena clutching her/his  boobs/moobs I actually LOL’d. What’s happening to me? Thank god my old-skool ECW DVDs arrived today. I need a reality check.

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Next up we have the match I was kind of dreading. I was just so bored with the whole Macmahon-Family-Masturbation-Moments that I wasn’t sure I could bear any more. AAAAnd I’m pissed off that Shane ignored my advice to wear less clothes. Purely for wellbeing purposes, of course. You know, sometimes I wonder if Randy Orton is actually human. Remember when he first appeared on our screens with a bad haircut and slightly chubby in the face? I swear he went away and Vince sent him back as a cyborg.  Seriously, did you see the way Legacy walked to the ring? I’m convinced if you sliced open Orton’s chest an array of sparking wires and cables would pour out.

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Anyway, the match wasn’t that bad. In places it was pretty good, especially towards the end when it was just Hunter and Randy in the ring alone. In fact, when Randy jumped in the air, threw his arms around Triple H’s neck and dragged him to the ground I may have just leaped from my armchair and said “YESSSSSS!”. Not that I was involved or anything. A kick to the head later and it was all over.  I always feel slightly uneasy when they bring the paramedics in. I know it’s all for dramatic effect, but still, it makes my tummy feel strange.  And the way Lawler, Ross and Cole drop their voices down an octive. They do the serious-times voice. Don’t like it. Apparently Triple H is going to have a nice little holiday now. Good. He’s been getting on my nerves.  It’ll give me the chance to miss him.

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Ok, here we go. Last Man Standing. Edge. John Cena. I’ve been crushing on this match for weeks so it better not disappoint.  It didn’t. It. was. awesome. Punch after kick after drop after count. Just when you thought they had taken their last breath, they stumbled to their feet again. It all really started kicking off when Edge cleared the announce table and set John up for a drop through the table. But in a counter move John flipped Edge in to the crowd, dropping his oily form on top of an ‘unsuspecting fan’. Notice how nobody helped the ‘fan’ up to his feet? ha.

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Edge DID make it to his feet, so on we go. But not back to the ring……….they then started scuttling through the hyperactive crowd,  followed by the referees. From the crowd they moved to the arena lobby, where there seemed to be an alarming number of people shelling out for overpriced nachos and hotdogs while this was going on. Errrrm. Hang on a minute here. I don’t know how much the tickets for Backlash cost, but who would go and buy snacks  while the main event was going on? Even if you weren’t a fan of either dude, wouldn’t you at least want to see the headlining match? Strange people.

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They re-entered the arena, conveniently finding themselves at the top of the ramp. John dropped Edge in to the hard stage and Edge cracked John with something that just fell in to his hand. It was a carefully positioned hard-hat. Don’t you just hate when construction workers leave their shit lying around? Anyway, Edge whacked John with a chair, but the babe made it back up again, picking Edge up across his shoulders as he went. But just as he was about to go for another drop, Big Show appeared. Whaaaaaa? Oh yeah, he was involved in the same Wrestlemania match. I forgot.

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In more adventures in randomness, Big Show lifted John by the neck and slammed in to a large side-stage spotlight thing. I love the idea that someone was sat under the ramp with a big, red, GO button to press when John hit the sugar-glass, so that a big puff of smoke would fly up. And I love that it was set up to have flames coming out the back for authenticity.

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The flames were extinguished and with “John Cena covered in shards of glass” he was counted out, giving Edge the much pursued title. See? Told you it was awesome.

And by far the best thing of all was when Christian, Kofi Kingston, Finley and CM Punk (so concerned at John’s condition) came out in their off-duty-wrestler-outfits to see what they could do to assist the medics. Thank god Punk was there to do up that final strap on the stretcher. I mean, seriously, what would the paramedics have done without Dr. Punk’s expertise? I love you WWE.

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Smackdown(lite): Hamlet, Hair, Hobos and Hugs

Same arena, same crappy set, different day. Yep, Smackdown too was from the London O2 arena this week. Well, why spend 24 hours moving to a new city when you can stay where you are and drink the hotel bar dry. I’m talking to YOU, Miz. Twitter is so much fun.

I think I have an apology to make. I TOTALLY missed the fact that the set had a red phone box on it. I only noticed it when I watched Smackdown. That really tops it off. Because I don’t think those things even exist any more…apart from as novelties. WWE set designers: when you return to these shores in November you must try harder or I’ll pound ya!

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So we begin with Edge. If I hadn’t enjoyed Smackdown so much this week, I’d quite happily have ditched the rest of it and just recapped Edge’s soliloquy. Seriously, it was like an Ontario Theatre Company’s production of Hamlet. It was a thing of beauty. But Smackdown was worthy of a full run-down so this will have to be a long one.

You know, if all this were real, I’d be wrapping a patchwork quilt around Edge, making him some tea, and calling Social Services. In fact, he was so convincingly deranged on SD that I was inches away from being sucked in.  But then I realised that no man who is so up-to-date with his blonde highlights roots could be losing the plot, and I came back down to earth.

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By  the way, if anyone knows what brand of sunnies he’s wearing there, let me know. I WANT! Actually, maybe I’ll just ask him myself on Twitter.

It started well. Edge was calm, collected, cool, cucumber-esque.  But then he started recalling John’s resolve and  began descending in to desperation. He reminded us of the whooping he gave John on Raw and suddenly realised how alone he really is. GOD, I eat this stuff up. The spotlight in the ring, all those long camera shots followed by extreme close-ups. Oooh yeah! He told us once again that he feels worthless without the title, ran his fingers through his beautifully coiffed tresses and…..

“My wife Vickie can’t help…….I have no friends……in your own words John, I’m a desperate man!”

At this point I was so involved I felt like putting my hand on his shoulder and saying I, will be your friend.” Yes, you are correct, I AM a loser.  Nevertheless, he went on to prematurely declare himself the Last Man Standing. Fabulous. (Copeland….let me know who does your highlights too, please.)

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Now that I’m emotionally spent I could do with some light relief. Unfortunately, Todd Grisham’s crack about the Queen’s crib and BBQ ham didn’t satisfy. Must be one of those American jokes I don’t understand. Like Sarah Silverman.

First match of the night is Matt Hardy & Kane Vs Jeff Hardy & CM Yum.  The whole Matt/Jeff ‘I quit’ thing is kind of redundant now, being that we all know Jeff won’t be resigning his current contract. Apparently he’s tired and just wants to do something else for a while.  I kind of admire him for having the courage to do that when he’s so popular at the moment. Ooh, serious mo there. Back to the match. It wasn’t bad actually. Some nice little shimmies. And surprisingly long for a Smackdown match. Matt pinned Jeff FTW.  I notice you’re having some make-up slippage issues there, Jeffrey. Try Revlon Colour-Stay Foundation. It can be a bit cakey if you don’t put it on with a light touch, but it does last. Even on oily skin. And it’s reasonably priced too.

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Big Show/Undertaker was kind of slow and tedious. I felt like I wanted to find their wind-up key and make things go faster. So, to continue the hair and beauty theme (which I swear was totally unplanned) I found myself thinking about how I’d change Undertaker’s fake-tan to a less vibrant shade of tangerine and teach him how to use eyeliner so he doesn’t end up with a harsh line. Smudge, babe. Smudge.

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After a huge punch from the ginormous fist of the Big Show, Undertaker was deemed unfit to continue. Taker stumbled to his feet looking like a wasted hobo, and countered to regain his dignity. Buh-bye Big Show. Enjoy Raw!

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Time for some lady action – Gail Kim v Maryse. I don’t know what it is about Maryse, but I’m not liking her. Something doesn’t sit right with me. And it’s not that “Bitch is more beautiful than me so I hate her guts” stuff either. Todd Grisham dared to say “that this French-Canadian is less popular over here in the United Kingdom than she is in North America.” Ohhh that’s what it is. The British have an involuntary hate of all Frenchness. (Apart from the cheap wine we like to sneak over on the ferry from Callais). And I thought it was just the irritating hair-flicking and the evil-claw-hand. Now I understand. On the flip side, I kind of like Gail Kim. But every time I see her I think of the ‘Cool Asians’ in the cafeteria scene in Mean Girls.  Observe…….

Say what you want about Li-Lo’s debauched lesbian lifestyle, Mean Girls is one of the greatest films ever created. End of. Back to the business of grappling.  Maryse won and flicked her hair so hard she did her back in. Whooda thunk it? Weighty hair weave really is bad for your health.

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Jeff Hardy did a strange, swirly promo for Backlash, which I can only think was shot by some guy thinking “I spent four years at film school to work on this shit, I’m at least gonna be creative and maybe then I’ll get a movie gig.” Yah. Ok. Well….moving on. I can’t be bothered to talk about M.V.P and Chavo…..you just need to know that Montel won the match. Another one disappearing to Raw. His exit from the ring was interrupted by Dolph Ziggler. Umm. WHOOOOO? I’m so not into this guy. Firstly he has the hideous hair of Billy Gunn, then I can’t hear his name without thinking of Dolph Lundgren (remember him in Rocky IV) and apart from that he just seems like a complete tosser. Not a partial tosser, a complete one. I hope he doesn’t get any undeserved pushes. I will be pushing him straight back the way he came.

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We’re not getting the new WWE Superstars show over here yet (correct me if I’m wrong). I downloaded it last week but haven’t bothered yet this week. Thankfully, the John Cena interview from Superstars was repeated on SD. Lovely. But poor John was not feeling himself. He seemed a little blue. Awww. What’s up, sweetheart? He took a microphone, told Grisham he didn’t want to talk to him, looked straight in to the camera and said “For once, I’d like to talk to YOU.” That’s it. I was gone. Whatever words came out of his mouth, in my head, all I heard was this……..

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I gave myself a wrestlegasm with my own thoughts. Errrrrm, yeah. So….back in the realms of reality, the show ended with Shane and Batista Vs Rhodes and DiBiase. Kind of predictable, but fair play to Shane, he had a good go. He looked absolutely knackered by the end of it. Maybe if he wore less clothing he wouldn’t get so warm. Just sayin’. Shane made the pin, by the way. Oh and he even overcame his fear of boy juice and gave Dave a squeeze at the end. Nice.

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FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER(S) OF THE SHOW

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These three who, despite possessing 0% dancability, rocked it out to M.V.P’s entrance music. You shake those tail feathers, fellas!

raw(lite): in my backyard

It has been a progressive week for those of us at wrestlegasm.com….and by ‘us’ I mean me. I made a triumphant return to my driving lessons, the pilates tutor came back from her Easter holidays making me feel all flexi again, it was close but no cigar with regard to meeting Rey Mysterio, and a girl flirted with me while she rubbed a promotional skincare product in to my hands. Yes! A Girl! I was spooked, but she rubbed me nice so I bought the product. Don’t judge. My other half is across the  Atlantic.  I’ll take any physical contact available.

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None of this has anything to do with Raw, so I’d better get started.

The WWE collective made their way over to my fair isle this week as part of their European tour.  I won’t tell you how much it made my heart ache that I couldn’t be in London for Raw and/or Smackdown but I’m still grasping at my chest at regular intervals.  The Cardiff events were house-shows and I doubt anyone that spectacular was there, but still, IT HOITS!

Raw was from the O2 Arena in London this week. Despite my sadness at not being there I was looking forward to being able to watch Monday Night Raw LIVE

  1. on Monday Night
  2. at a reasonable time of the day

Oh how wrong I was. Yes, Raw was in London but I had to wait until 2am for it to be broadcast so that Americans didn’t get annoyed that someone saw it before they did. Pppppfft! Americans. Gotta have everything their own way. Living in the future sucks. No wonder Marty Mcfly went back to 1985 at the end of BTTF 2. And just in case you were unsure whether  Raw was actually in London this week or not, the lame-ass set was there to help you out.

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They should have given me a call. I’m sure I could have come up with a more representative set.

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Anyway, time for some action. The week before they shift over to their new jobs on different brands is always a bit mixed. Welcome to the ‘tying up lose ends’ show. We begin with Mr. Jericho looking rather fetching in another snazzy suit, explaining that we’ve never really understood his brilliance. Honey, I hope you don’t count me in all that. I get your brilliance. I’m all over your brilliance like…ya know. Then we get a visit from Ricky Steamboat.  You know around Wrestlemania when I commented on his possibly hotness?  Errrrm, yeah, I’m gonna need to take that back. Thanks. It was the dad polo under his suit jacket that reversed his appeal. A step too far in to the aged-area.

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Ricky thanked Jericho for challenging the old duffers to a match at WM because it gave him the chance to return to his former glory, which Y2J beat down with a verbal stick, and challenged him to a repeat performance. Pause in the script and whooooooooooop here comes John Cena to put his arm around Steamboat and do a whole “Don’t pick on my mate!” schtick! But he didn’t. Chrissy-boy slinked out of the ring, Ricky Steamboat accepted the Wrestlemania rewind match and John Cena challenged Chris to a match that night. Yuuuuuuum! The two of them shirtless at the same time. Jericho didn’t seem too pleased, but I like to think that’s just because he was worried he wouldn’t look as hunky next to John. John being so enormous and all. It’s alright, sweets, I lust you both equally. Mwah!

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I have no idea what the Chavo Guerrero/Batista bit was all about. An odd comedy time filler. I’ll give it no more of my precious time. Backstage Shane and Dave were lined up to give me my first Man-Hug Moment of the Week but then Shane, like a complete pussy, pulled out at the last minute. Bloody hell Shane, it’s just sweat. It won’t burn your pale Connecticut skin. Doesn’t he realise I LIVE for the man-hugs?

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Next CM Punk Vs Kane. I had been crushing on Punk all week so I was looking forward to his appearance. Ummm, has he always worn those lavender coloured short-shorts, or is it just because I’m paying particular attention to his crotch now that he’s moved up in the hotness league. And why do the light colours seem so much more revealing?  I digress. Punk won the match, proving that wearing lady knickers is conducive to success.

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I’m still maintaining my Santino Embargo, so I won’t say anything about it. Melina beat Beth in her last match on Raw and we’re backstage again with Shane and Triple H. They DID have a man hug moment but I’m pissed off with Shane for retreating from the first one so I’m not giving him the satisfaction of being in another. Let that be a lesson to you, Sir.

On we go and it’s time for John Cena and Chris Jericho.  Good God – I think I died and went to meat-head heaven.  Speaking of meat…………ok I was gonna make a joke about me being the filling in their sandwich but it’s just too obvious.

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The crowd revealed themselves to be unmistakably British during this match. This country hates a good-guy. Seriously, when someone does really well the first reaction of this nation is to bring them down. No wonder we have national self-esteem issues. Maybe that’s why I loves me some USA. I like championing things. The crowd – they boo JC, then they love him.  They chant expletives at him, then they’re all “Ohhh yooou caaaan’t seeee meee!” Make your mind up, London.

In actual wrestling terms it was a pretty good match. Between the physical strength of JC and Jericho’s imaginative moves, it made for an entertaining dalliance, both chucking in their signature moves, both battling like troopers, even if it didn’t really mean anything. It all fell apart when Edge, the ultimate opportunist (thanks, Michael Cole),  interfered and left Johnny lying in the ring. He battered him some more before dragging in some of those special “steel” chairs. Instead of smashing John’s face in with furniture, he just counted him out for ten. Phew! John’s lips are safe!

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On to Rey Mysterio Vs Big Show.  You know what I love about wrestling? That logic plays no part whatsoever. Your educated brain says that the biggest guy in the company could not possibly lose to the tiniest, and yet your wrestling fan brain says “You go for it little-guy. We believe in you!” On this occasion Big Show won. It’s ok, Rey. You’ll live to fight another day. Actually he did. He was in Cardiff the next day signing encyclopedias. SOB!

We finish with our main event of the night.  Am I the only one getting fed up with the whole McMahon family Vs Legacy tripe? I loved it at first but when Triple H won the belt back at WM I started to lose heart. Maybe the peeps in charge have started to realise we’re getting bored because in the middle of Hunter’s entrance they paused to give us a random web-traffic statistic.

We interrupt scheduled programming for this important announcement: Boys like wrestling more than they like Oprah!

We interrupt scheduled programming for this important announcement: Boys like wrestling more than they like Oprah!

Why are they doing Triple H/Orton now? Aren’t we gonna see it ALL OVER AGAIN ON SUNDAY? Well, Monday for me. The match was fine but my storyline related grumpiness overshadowed the moves. It ended in a mass brawl with everyone involved in the Sunday main event knocking lumps out of each other.  Shane’s rolling punches and jabs are hilarious. He was most definitely born in the wrong age.

Randy pinned The Game and feigned a thigh injury to end the night. *bad sigh* Thank god this story comes to an end at the weekend. Sheesh!

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE SHOW

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This little dude. He has no idea what a sycophant is, but he knows he should be booing Chris Jericho when he says it. Awww.

Raw(Lite): It’s Getting Drafty in hurrr

Soooo, it’s all been happening in the WWE this week.  Let’s start with Raw and the annual WWE draft.  Just like any long-running TV soap, there are a few regular stories that keep things ticking along but, essentially, tonight is all about the draft – management shaking up the snowglobe of superstars and watching those sparkly boys and girls fall in a different spot to where they once settled.

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Last year it was all about shifting things around so that the spread was a little more even and every brand not being treated as Raw’s bitch. I wondered how it would all pan out this time around. I was super-excited. That moment where the screen starts speedily flicking through all those faces makes my fingers tingle. Being that I’m a few hours ahead of the American broadcast, I had to go to sleep while it was going on. Boo! I went to bed singing……………………………

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Lots to get through, so let’s get cut the crooning and cracking. The first draft pick of the night was to be decided by Rey Mysterio (Raw) and Evan Bourne (ECW).  Evan Bourne is cur-ute. I think I need to start paying more attention to ECW. Really. In fact, excuse me while I check my Sky+ planner to see when it’s on……ok, I’m back.  Rey Mysterio pinned Bourne and won the first picky for Raw. This early in the show it’s gonna be someone fairly low-rent. It waaaaas…..

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MVP. Hmm. Ok. I have no real feelings either way regarding MVP, other than he has some of the lamest entrance music in the WWE. Get some cool music and I might kinda like ya. Totally up to you. You either want my love or you don’t. I’m guessing he couldnt care less about my love, but whatever. On we go.

Kane (Raw)  Vs The Brian Kendrick (Smackdown). A mis-match if ever I saw one but, as we know, size doesn’t matter in the WWE. It’s not what you got but what you do with it. And, errr, *whispering*who the writers say will win. Ahem.  Kane won fairly swiftly and scooped another draft pick for Raw.  Is wasssss……

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Yeah. Fine. Whatever. I suppose all that pre-Wrestlemania stuff won him a spot on Raw.Ummm, bravo Big Show?

After Randy Orton had a verbal tustle with Mrs. Guerrero (see my last post for the video) it was time for a little behind-the-curtain fun, and you should know by now it’s my favourite source of humour. So there’s John Cena, you know, just hanging out, chillin’, illin’, chit-chatting with one of the production crew when all of a sudden…………….

Ahhhhhhh. I love when John cracks jokes. THE CHAMP IS HERE. HEEEEERE! *sigh* I also love when he puts together a little combo of hilarity and seriousness. Yes, Jack Swagger, you ARE punk kid who likes to run his mouth. John will give you a lil lesson on respect! Because he said so. And because I said so too. I love when we think the same thoughts. :D

Time for a dollop of Diva action. Michelle McCool/Natalya/Maryse  Vs Kelly-Kelly, Melina and Mickie James for another draft pick. Oooooh check out Todd Grisham being all King-Like. Melina can lick your stamps any time? Reeeeeoooaw! You naughty boy, Todd. Well, as you said yourself young man, you’d better get that vintage stamp collection out from under your bed ’cause the Smackdown ladies kicked some tail and Melina got drafted over. Don’t let your glasses get all steamed up, Toddy.

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Neeeeext! Two draft picks on the line with John Cena (Raw) and Jack Swagger (ECW).  Much as I doubted it, I kind of thought they’d let Swagger win; to give two picks to ECW and to introduce Swagger to those who don’t know who he is. Oh Ray, don’t be foolish. John Cena won. Of course. It was, however, one of the longest matches of the night, so maybe that was their way of saying “Dear all, this is Jack Swagger. Get used to him, he’ll be around for a while.” So, the picks. Which too vagabonds made their way to Raw?

mhardydraftActually, Matthew Hardy, I CAN see you, but I don’t wanna.  Put your hand down before John puts it somewhere the sun don’t shine. Who’s next?

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Oh no! Triple H goes back to Raw. Well, I’m not surprised.  Observe that smug look on his chops. It says “I’m going back to Raw because I can do whatever the hell I wanna do! I married the chairman’s daughter. What are you gonna do about it, bitch?” Ok, I’m starting to feel annoyed for Smackdown and ECW now. Big hugs to everyone on SD and ECW. Yeah, because giving hugs is such a chore for me. Edge attacked John Cena from behind (to remind us of the bigger picture) and on we go. Randy Orton is still feeling anxious backstage and he seeks the comfort of his foot-soldiers – Rhodes and DiBiase. They delight him with their plan. He likes it. He likes it a lot. Time for some more drafty-drafty.

Santino Marella (Raw) Vs Khali (Smackdown) in one of the most ludicrous storylines I’ve witnessed in ages. So, I won’t talk about it, I’ll just say that Khali won, FINALLY getting another pick for weary Smackdown. And let me say, I am VEEERY pleased with this one.

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I know people get a bit miffed when their faves get drafted to (allegedly) lesser brands, but I love seeing top peeps on Smackdown. I’ll be watching it anyway, so having lovely boys to look forward to is a nifty little bonus. CM Punk is a big, juicy bonus. Yuuuuummm.

Onwards and upwards for The Miz (ECW) and Kofi Kingston (Raw).  Kofi won. Raw won. AGAIN. Urgh! And the pick izzzz……The Miz. JUST The Miz. No Mr. Morrison to hold his hand. Uh-oh! Michael Cole said it best “THE BROMANCE IS OVER”. It was so “DUUUUUDE! NOOOO!” Aaaand it produced a man-hug moment, which you know I can’t get enough of.

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But then it all went horribly wrong. The Miz, drunk on success, turned on Morrison and left him writhing in agony in the ring. Oh dear. Miz. You’ve chaaaanged, man.miz

Next a Battle Royal involving all three brands, which left Big Show (in his new Raw colours) and Edge alone. Edge flipped Show over the ropes to win two draft picks for Smackdown. Ok, now things are looking up for SD. Numero uno……..

kane

Ok. Fine. I don’t care much for Kane. I don’t dislike him, I just don’t care when he gets involved in stuff.  He should never have taken his mask off. I liked him better when I thought there was a hideous creature under there.  Back in the day he gave me the spooks. Now? Nah! And secondly………………

jericho

AAAAAAAARRRGHHHH! YES! MY GUY! CHRIS JERICHO. I know there were LOTS of people unhappy with this one, but really, there’s only so much greatness you can fit in to Raw.  On Smackdown he’ll get a, much deserved, bigger slice of the pie. And just imagine, an All-Canadian alliance between Edge and Jericho. Excuse me while I use the cuff of my hoodie to wipe the sides of my mouth.

On we go. Whew! This draft is looooong! My fingers are getting weary. But I will keep going. For you. Aww. I’m nice. Next we have Christian (ECW) Vs Shelton Benjamin (Smackdown).  Let me just say, I’m loving that Christian is back. He funny boy. The good kind of funny. Take note Marella. Anyway, the match. Christian won and ECW got a draft pick. FINALLY. It was Vladimir Koslov.  THANK GOD. Fellas, listen up. If you’re not REALLY FUCKING HOT, don’t wear white briefs in public. If you do, you run the risk of being drafted to ECW where nobody will see you. Got it? Good.koslov

How many are we up to now? Oh I’ve lost count. Next, CM Punk (now Smackdown) and Matt Hardy (now Raw). Matt took Punk out and Raw drafted……

maryse

Yeah, well, you can’t have two belts on one brand, so fairly predictable. NEEEEEEXT!

My honey, Chris Jericho, is back, now representing Smackdown, and is taking on Tommy Dreamer from ECW. Jericho won (poor ECW) and, in a flip-reverse-thingy from last year’s draft, Smackdown clawed back……

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YEEEEY FOR REEEEEY! I love Rey. 33.3% because we have the same name (with different spelling), 33.3%  because he’s good to the kids when he does his ringwalk, 33.3% because he jumps so bloody high in the atmosphere. Smackdown is Rey’s home. I’m glad he gets to go to back to from whence he came.

The draft is over! Phew!  I need a stiff drink after all that. And a tiny little cushion for my battered finger-tips. I wonder if Chris Jericho’s pecs would make a nice finger cushion. Or how about a lip cushion…..yes. Excuse me, I need a moment to think about that…….

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Oh. Hai. You’re still here. Sorry about that. Triple H, Batista and Shane O’Mac took on Legacy in the final match of the night. No draft picks on the line, just a little thing called the WWE Title.  Triple H made the pin, leaving him to take on Randy Orton next week.  Sorry that part’s so short, but it kind of played second-fiddle to the draft this week.

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE SHOW

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This dude, looking like a teenage boy who’s just transfered from an all-boys grammar school to a mixed boys-n-girls school in the city. Yes, boy, those are breasts. All women have them.

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By the way there was a supplemental draft on Wednesday. Make of this what you will, I’m off to pour a nice drink……..

Kennedy to Raw

Shad Gaspard to Smackdown

Alicia Fox to Smackdown

-Primo to Raw

Mike Knox to Smackdown

Ezekiel Jackson to ECW

Nikki Bellato Raw

Candice Michelle to Smackdown

Zach Ryder to ECW

Chavo Guererro to Raw

Ricky Ortiz to Smackdown

Layla to Smackdown

Hornswoggle to Raw

DH Smith to ECW

John Morrison to Smackdown

Carlito to Raw

Natalya to ECW

Festus to Raw

JTG to Smackdown

Dolph Ziggler to Smackdown

Brian Kendrick to Raw

Charlie Haas to Smackdown

Hurricane Helms to ECW

Brie Bella to Raw