crotch watch: it’s been a long time, baby

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It’s been quite some time since the last edition of Crotch Watch and judging by some of the emails I’ve been getting, it’s long overdue. Also, lovely Abby is getting married on Saturday and I’m giving her a final chance to be a non-married pervert. Married perverts are the WORST! :p

CM Punk’s trunks have been jumping all over the the place lately, and not just because he’s got a new lady friend. Amy ‘Lita’ Dumas got the note he passed to her in gym class that said “Alls I need to know is if you’re gonna be my girlfriend!” and she replied favourably. We’ve gone from the beautiful canary yellow of Summerslam, back to the white, the black n green, to the royal blue, back to the sunshiney yellow…… you get the idea but I think we need some pictures just to be sure. My photoshop is trying to make me cry so you’ll have to make do with a brief oselection of what I could pull together.

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You’re welcome, ladies. You’re welcome. Does anyone else think the white ones seems to have taken on a tanga shape? Not a complaint, just an observation.

In the last Crotch Watch I bared my soul and revealed my CM Punk naked laundry dream. Since then I have had one other Punky dream, but not nearly as entertaining. Although, he was wearing the white trunks again and the world title belt, and it involved limousine. That’s all you’re getting. I do have SOME dignity, you know.

So huge has Crotch Watch become, that even heterosexual men are now contributing to it.  Mr. A.P Southern of somewhere near Blackpool way alerted me to this picture this week. It raises an important question……

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Whaddaya say, people? It’s a tough call. It could be that Punk’s trunks are exactly the same colour as his heavily bronzed thighs. Or it could be that he wanted to just let it all hang out that day. Never let it be said (again) that I don’t provide content that encourages lively and intellectual debate.

Now that Mr. Punk has been inappropriately objectified, let’s move on to see what’s been going on with the fashionz in other areas of the company.  Since The Miz made his way back to Raw under the initial guise of The Calgary Kid, he’s been making miraculous strides in his pursuit of the the US Title. Who would have thought that switching to trunks would have made him, well, good? Maybe it’s like when fertility doctors recommend that men get a little air to their crown jewels so that their swimmers don’t overheat. The Miz is obviously enjoying the breeze.

Oh and what was I saying about hetero men contributing to this site? I recently found this stuck to my facebook, courtesy of a Wrestlegasm footsoldier.

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Ok, it was courtesy of my good friend, Matt, who took his niece to a house show in Flint, MI. But footsoldier sounds cool. Thank you, Mr. F. I’m surprised The Miz is allowing that sign to share the same airspace as him, but if someone from Flint told me I was a bedwetter, I think I’d probably give them the benefit of the doubt and walk away slowly too.

In other news, Randy Orton delighted me beyond belief at the Breaking Point PPV last Sunday. No, nothing to do with possibly the most homo-erotic match ever to grace our TV screens (I’ll come back to that in a day or so. *sigh*) It was actually his interview with Josh Matthews. As you know, I love a good Josh Matthews interview, and while Randy sat in the lockeroom contemplating his match with John Cena and being a total prick to Josh, I noticed this……

Check out the gallery or trunks above the title belt.

Check out the gallery of trunks above the title belt.

You see, Randy Orton doesn’t just reach in to his laundry and pull out the first pair of clean trunks that jump in to his hand. Oh no. When you’re packing that much in, you need to consider which are the most suitable for the show and your mood. Alright, so Randy only really has one mood. But different occasions require alternate groin-wear. I like to imagine Randy gets Ted and Cody to unpack his kitbag and line all the trunks up while he paces back and forth, picking them up, stretching them out, holding them up against himself in the mirror, before finally settling on a pair.

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As for my favourite girly fashion moment, it’s been quite a while so there’s a lot to choose from.

My favourite in-ring offering was the fierce new outfit they’ve given to Natalya. Cuteness. And I hope some new clobber means they’ll be giving her a little push from here on in. The girls are dropping like flies at the moment.

It has a maple leaves and hearts on it. Because she's Canadian. And a (Nied)hart. Genius.

It has maple leaves and hearts on it. Because she's Canadian. And a (Nied)hart. Genius.

The stars came out to play at Summerslam this year and who doesn’t love seeing wrestle people in normal party clothes? It’s such a novelty. It’s mundane and yet you cannot stop yourself from looking. To quote one of my favourite trashy chick flicks “I love seeing teachers outside of school. It’s like watching a dog walk on its hind legs.”

I like to see a little bravery when it comes to fashion. I like to see a little thought behind a special outfit. So the award for best dressed went to Alicia Fox.

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If anyone knows where this dress if from, please email me. I want it. And to all the fools who questioned the headband, open a fashion magazine or a music magazine, FFS. That whole outfit is about as on-trend as it could be.

Also, Maria. Everyone pointed and laughed at her sequined butterfly hair accessory. Why? At least she TRIED. Unlike some of the others who grabbed at the first thing the wardrobe lady handed out.

Kisses straight back atcha, honey.

Kisses straight back atcha, honey.

Final fashion award goes to Melina. Check out Mr. and Mrs. LA being all….LA!

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Would I wear that dress? Nuh! Never. But she rocks it. So I give you a big fashion-squeeze, Melina.

That’s all for now. There will another Crotch Watch when I get round to….. errrr…. watching some more crotches, I guess. And I suppose, now that he’s moving up the ranks and all, I’ll finally have to address the Zack Ryder issue. Now, go back to that picture of nudey CM Punk and inspect it even closer. I know you want to.

smackdown(lite) under a straight edge spell

I don’t know if it’s because the heat CM Punk generates under my skin is now making him appear in my dreams (true story) or whether it’s my triumphant return to gym training, but the Straight Edge lifestyle is starting to look like a viable option. I mean, it’s not such a massive leap. I don’t do drugs. ( I could still chug 8 ibuprofens a day, right?) I haven’t smoked since I was 17. The only thing left would be alcohol. How hard could that be? I can go without most of the time, and if I need a sneaky tipple I can totally hide bottles of champagne at the back of the toilet without Punk finding them. And, since he appears in favour of poisoning his skin with multi-coloured ink,  I could still get that teacup tattoo I’ve been thinking about getting (Again, true story.) Maybe I need to think about this some more. In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy the view from the start of this week’s Smackdown, where Punk vowed to ‘end’ Jeff Hardy in the hope of putting a stop to our filthy ways.

I'm in this picture. I'm just out of shot. Like, to the south a little bit ;) Ok, I'll stop now. I'm being far too disgusting already.

I'm in this picture. I'm just out of shot. Like, to the south a little bit ;) Ok, ok. I'll stop now. I'm being too disgusting already.

Teddy Long wasn’t having any of this tripe. Despite Punk’s suggestion that Jeff was unlikely to even show up at Summerslam, Teddy announced that Jeff would not just be there for his match at the PPV, but would also be there in Edmonton to say a few words that night. Punk objected to every word out of Teddy’s mouth, which cued Jeff. Geez, that North Carolina sunshine is STRONG! Looks like Matt Hardy’s tan from last week has rubbed off on his brother.

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A few brief syllables of defiance later, Jeff was retreating from the ring, Punk grinned like the evil, clean living genius he is, and Teddy was back in his office to take a call from Mr. McMahon. Apparently, even though he’s way injured and shit, Mr. M demanded that Jeff fight on Smackdown that night. Still on probation, Teddy had no choice but to agree and put young Hardy in action against The Hart Dynasty in a 2-on-1 tag match. Yawch.

Back in the ring, Finlay was up against Dolph Ziggler. In my experience, it’s probably best to leave a Belfast boy alone when he’s in a bad mood. I mean, Dolph Ziggler did keep Finlay away from reaching the Summerslam Intercontinental match on Smackdown last week. But still, Dolph is back for another helping. All was moving along nicely until Mike Knox, who gets creepier with every inch his beard grows, interfered with the match by thumping Finlay on the back of the thigh with his very own shillelagh. As you do.

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Dolph capitalised on Finlay’s agony and pinned him for the win. Dolph disappeared but Knox stuck around to do some additional damage to Finlay. As you know, usually I dig medical terminology, but spoken from the mouth of Mike Knox the words sound terrifying. I’m sure I had a nightmare where I was being chased by someone with that voice once. *shudder* In times of trouble, thank God we have JR to come up with exactly the right words.

Thanks, Mr. Ross.

Thanks, Mr. Ross.

From something genuinely scary to something that’s supposed to be, but isn’t. A whole week has passed since Kane drug dragged Ranjin Singh out of the arena in *insert last week’s location at your leisure* and it appears he’s still being held hostage in some random boiler room. Urgh.

Over in the ladies’ locker room, Maria and Melina were doing more girl-talk stuff, agreeing that Maria would change her tartan top for a leopard print one ‘because Dolph likes leopards’.  Excellent deduction. But I hear on the grapevine his favourite big cat is the puma. Just a little heads up for ya there Maria. Following a further discussion about romantic hotels on the beach in LA, Layla appeared to rain on their parade. That’s right, there’s nothing like a Brit to bring a couple of perky Americans down with her cynicism. Atta girl! She announced that Michelle McCool would be back on Smackdown next week, but Melina was in the mood for a scrap and challenged Layla to a fight that night.

Reserving the right to be in a bad mood since 1776.

Reserving the right to be in a bad mood since 1776.

Enough silliness, let’s have another match – John Morrison vs CM Punk. Awesome! AWE-SOME! No jokes, no perving, it was brilliant. Punk was totally immersed in being a badass and how John Morrison never cracks a rib doing that core twisting, I have no idea. He must do lots of pilates or yoga in his spare time. This could easily have been a PPV match, so next Sunday has an awful lot to live up to. Punk put the GTS on Morrison and took the win, giving him an extra elbow to the face after the bell had tolled. It’s those little touches that take you from heel to super-heel. I thinks I loves you, CM.

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Following another ridiculous hostage video from the boiler room, where Kane still had Ranjin Singh tied to a chair, it was time for the match Melina made for herself with Layla earlier in the show. With Gail Kim gone and Michelle McCool hurting, they need to start putting Natalya to work on a Friday night. Being cheerleader for her family members is a total waste of her ability. Step it up! The Melina/Layla match was far better than I was expecting. I wasn’t too keen on Layla at first, but only because they stuck in that lame dance off/arm wrestle thing with Eve Torres. She’s actually pretty good.  She took some pretty nice hits. Besides, I should be pulling for my compatriot anyway. Shame on me. Melina did some mighty impressive flexi- stuff and snatched the win.

I bet Melina and John Morrison do some awesome tag team pilates.

I bet Melina and John Morrison do some awesome tag team pilates.

Next, Big Show vs JTG, which wasn’t much of a match but any time I can listen to Jericho do commentary is fine by me. He joined JR and Todd Grisham while Big Show made light work of his opponent. My favourite line was when Jericho alluded to the fact that he’d had a sore throat last week, which was why he lost his match. “Do you know what kind of toll that [a sore throat] takes on a man?” He was feeling tremendous this week. Ah the healing power of the Canadian air. Big Show took the match and various other shenanigans went on around the ring. Things are shaping up beautifully for Summerslam.

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Down in Kane’s red dungeon, we found Ranjin Singh suspended by his ankles (yeah, for real). Khali came to the rescue and released him from the rope, but then Kane appeared and proceeded to beat Khali with a tube fashioned from the inside of a toilet roll and some aluminium foil, leaving both for dead. It’s ok. I’m sure the janitor will inform the authorities when he gets off his cigarette break.

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Jeff Hardy, nursing injuries sustained at the hands of  CM Punk last week , was forced to take D H Smith and Tyson Kidd on. The match itself was ok and it allowed a Canadian crowd to crow for their own, but it was all a nice little set-up for a brilliant ending. The Hart Dynasty took the match, leaving Jeff even more battered and bruised than before. The pin was closely followed by the appearance of CM Punk who, with a determined look in his eye, marched up to Jeff, kneed him in the face and elbowed him repeatedly in the neck.

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Even Natalya's shocked. And she's been in the Hart Dungeon.

You call it ‘repulsive’, JR, I call it divine and dastardly. (Brilliant adjectives borrowed from Toni.) Jeff was in trouble and needed a friend. Thankfully, John Morrison ran in to help him out, clearing Punk out of the way and removing Kidd and Smith. But Punk was not finished and slapped Morrison across the back with a chair. With Punk the only one left standing he was free to do as he wished, so he put Jeff’s head through a chair again. Well, why not? It worked last week, right? Just as he was about to smash little Hardy in to the turnbuckle wearing his chair shaped necklace, big Hardy intervened and took Punk out of the game. IT. WAS. AWESOME”!!!!

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The ring cleared, leaving just Matt and Jeff Hardy to face each other. Boy, that NC sunshine is a curious breed. Matt seems to have totally lost his tan from last week, and yet, Jeff’s has developed three-fold. Amazing. I digress. Matt helped Jeff to his feet. With the crowd’s approval and bearly a word spoken, the previous attempted fratricide was history.

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Teddy Long made a match for next week where the Hardys and John Morrison will face CM Punk and The Hart Dynasty. Team Good Guys look like they need the presence of a lady, what with Natalya on Team Mean Boys and all. I’m quite willing to fill in. But only as long as someone tags me in to roll around with Punk. I want to Go To Sleep with him. But not really SLEEP, I mean, oh whatever. You get it. I’m all a-fluster after that ending. I gotta go.

smackdown(lite): bikini trimmer at the ready

Smackdown was left in the position of having to rescue Raw AGAIN this week! I’m concerned for Smackdown. It’s so perfectly balanced at the moment. Too much pressure to be the only show firing an all cylinders every single week might tip it the other way. Raw, you better start pulling your weight because I don’t want to have to check Smackdown in to The Priory suffering from ‘exhaustion’.  Maternal worry over, let’s get to the show.

It all got going with CM Punk, now a proper heel, back in the ring with another brief vilification of the audience. Much as I enjoyed the nuances of when he fell somewhere between being good guy and bad mofo, I’ve kind of been waiting or REAL HEEL PUNK to emerge. Announcer Justin introduced Jeff Hardy for a match between the two for the Heavyweight Title. Biggest belt of the show on FIRST? This match can’t be going anywhere. It wasn’t. The anger between them was so intense it took every striped official in the building, a couple of dudes in golf shirts and Teddy long to separate them.

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Just as it looked like things were cooling off, Vince McMahon showed up in a delightful shade of duck egg blue. OH MY GOD, has he actually realised Smackdown is the superior brand? No. Apparently, Teddy Long is still on probation and Vince was most upset that he appeared to have lost control of his roster. To ensure that the title match went off without a hitch, Mr. M announced there would be a special guest enforcer, who shall currently remain nameless, and the match would take place later on to allow everyone some time to regroup.

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Once the boss had left, Jeff flew at Punk again and they were prised apart. Again. Sheesh. What a start! Think we need some coolness to take things forward. Ahhhh, John Morrison. He of the well insulated ankles. He’s a trooper for coolness! Morrison was taking Tyson Kidd on again (first one was on Superstars. I missed it). Great match. I even managed not to focus on my overwhelming need to take a bikini trimmer to the confusing strip of pointy fuzz across Kidd’s hairline.

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It was even-stevens to begin with, but Morrison allowed to Kidd to take the lead, before turning things around and sticking the Starship Pain across his face for the win.

Cryme Tyme and Eve explained the word ‘pretenda’ to us in antother edition of ‘Word Up’,  which lead neatly in to a Jesse v Charlie Haas match. Jesse is going by the hip-hop inspired name of Slam Master J. I don’t know what to say about the match, but I do know that……

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Jesse Slam Master J won.

On we go, and it’s time for the fatal-fourway to decides Rey Mysterio’s Intercontinental opponent at Summerslam. Rey brought a booster seat out and joined JR and Todd in the commentary corner and…… hold on…..before we go any further…. what is wrong with this picture?

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First of all, Rey can’t possibly hear anything through those headphones with his mask on, unless he’s cut some sneaky little holes in the sides. Secondly, what’s happened to his chin? Did he ALWAYS have a miniature beard-bun there? Don’t move, I’ll get the bikini trimmer back out the bathroom cabinet.

R-Truth, Mike Knox, Finlay and Dolph Ziggler fought it out and it turned in to another wicked match. Even Knox looked good.  Dolph pinned Finlay for the win and went over to give Rey a slap. Finlay, grumpy that he lost to Ziggler, grabbed Dolph’s dorky hair and tried to pull him back in the ring.

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You must keep your eye on Rey Mysterio at all times. Look away for a second and he’ll be round your neck in a heartbeat, as Dolph found out. The Rey Mysterio shaped scarf will be available from WWE Shop when the Autumn rolls in.

All this testosterone is just lovely, but I could really do with tagging on to some girly chit chat. Ah, here we go. Maria and Melina are talking it up in the corridor.  Melina was all praise for how happy Maria appears to be these days but, as one of her BFFs, she wanted to make sure Maria was 100% certain Dolph was the right guy for her. Well, let’s be honest, he is kind of a prick, right? But Maria made it clear that his in-ring persona is not who he is with her. Hmm.

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Melina ain't convinced. Neither am I.

Oh Maria. It’s ok. We’ll be here when that horrible, sexy boy breaks your heart, k? kiss-kiss.

With Cryme Tyme getting a push to meet Jericho and Big Show at Summerslam, it was time for some PPV promo. See, Raw? That’s how you do it. Cryme Tyme’s match got more promo than Cena/Orton this week. Ridiculous! Anyway, you have to be pretty awful not to pull off a brilliant match with Jericho. JTG did not disappoint.  And I loved the ending.

Jericho stuck the Codebreaker on JTG and left him lying off the apron, under the ropes.  Jericho went in for the pin, but with his opponent still under the ropes, the ref refused to award the win.  Jericho finally agreed to drag him back inside the ring but in a moment of lapsed concentration, JTG flipped Jericho over and snatched the win, racing up the ramp with Shad at his before the enraged Jericho could do anything about it. Jericho’s exaggerated anger made me laugh out loud.

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Next, The Great Khali was up against Ricky Ortiz. This match felt redundant even before Ortiz was errrrm made redundant. It lasted just a few seconds and I guess it’s there to build this feud between Khali and Kane, but I’m struggling to summon up any kind of enthusiasm for it. The best thing about it was that Singh the Sidekick got dragged from the arena by Kane, only to have Todd Grisham recap it by saying……

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JR corrected his grammar by saying…….

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Oh, Todd. Even with all your mistakes, I still kind of love you. They may actually be the reason I love you. Though, not as much as I crush for        Josh Matthews. He’s little, I’m little, it works better. You understand.

I need a main event to refresh me after that last “match”. Jeff and Punk prepare to enter the ring, but we need to introduce the special enforcer first. Who could it be? Who could it be? Actually, if you follow the right people on Twitter you’d have figured it out already. A certain main eventer’s brother who had broken metacarpals, was complaining about the chaos of being in the hustle and bustle of New York this week. He was looking forward to getting back to North Carolina. If you can’t work that one out, you’re either really new to wrestling or I question whether your marbles are all in their bag. The special guest enforcer was…………….

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Matt Hardy, who looked awesome with that bitchin’ face tan, made his way to the ring. But who would he favour? Has he buried the hatchet and let the brother-on-brother violence go or will he be in Punk’s corner? Judging by the number of alcoholic beverages in Matt’s twitpics, I guessed the former, but what really happened?

The match was ok. I’m not entirely in favour of putting matches on weekly shows when we’re about to see them at a PPV, but Teddy Long slapped a Tables, Ladders and Chair stipulation on it for Summerslam, so that juices things up a bit. Punk was all set up for the pin when Matt Hardy dragged the ref out of the ring, forcing Punk to tell Matt off.  Distracted from the job in hand, Punk was pulled to the ground by Jeff, and was 1,2,3’ed out of the match by big brother.

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Punk wasn’t done. Now incensed that his win was scuppered, he returned to the ring with a steel chair to finish Jeff off.  Brutal! Punk smiled his way back up the ramp but was met at the top by Teddy, who announced the aforementioned TLC stip. Punk told Teddy to go and check on his poster boy and the crowd were left chanting TLC TLC TLC.

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I feel like someone just massaged my temples with warm fingers. Thanks, Smackdown. You’re the bestest!

smackdown(lite): hugs, ponytails and gbh

What with Shaquille O’Neal hosting an epic episode of Raw this week, Smackdown had a lot to live up to. But was Smackdown worried? Nah! Course not! It knows it’s still awesome without all the bells and whistles of the flagship brand.

Jeff Hardy kicked things off with a rousing speech about how his Night of Champions win over Preachy Punk wasn’t just a personal victory, but a victory for everyone’s right to choose their own lifestyle.

Wrestlegasm.com does not endorse the misuse of recreational or prescription drugs.  If you're an adult, however, booze and fags are legal, so go knock yourselves out! Do not hold me responsible if you wake in bed tomorrow with someone you don't know and no longer thinks is hot. YOUR fault!

Wrestlegasm.com does not endorse the misuse of recreational or prescription drugs. If you're an adult, however, booze and fags are legal, so go knock yourselves out!

While Jeff was soaking up the crowd adoration, we were treated to a clip of a tender moment shared between Jeff and Punk after Night of Champions went off the air. The match had ended,  both Jeff and Punk stood in front of each other, and in an act of gentlemanly conduct, Punk held his hand out to Jeff. Jeff walked away, began sliding out of the ring, but then returned and shook the dejected Punk’s hand. Punk dropped his head and left the ring broken hearted. Oh God! How badly did Punk need a hug? I wanted to crawl inside the screen, press the side of his head to my bosom and tell him everything would be ok.

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I've been waiting for AGES for a reason to use this picture.

Moving on, it’s been a productive week for Cryme Tyme. First they get to kick it with Shaq and take Jericho and Big Show on during Raw, then they join Twitter and experience just ho demanding the public can be, and then they went on to claim a brilliant victory over The Hart Dynasty on Smackdown. This left them as number one contenders against Show and Jericho at Summerslam. BIG. WEEK.

Sidenote: There’s something very evil about Natalya. In a good way. She is the mastermind behind the Hart operation, with Tyson and David carrying out her devious plans. Very Lady Macbeth.

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As CT celebrated their week from heaven, Jericho and Big Show decided to rain on their parade and came to remind them they had no chance whatsoever against them ar Summerslam.  Jericho tried to explain further just how amazing they are as a tag team, but was interrupted by Shad, who compared to with Han Solo and Chewbacca. Brilliant! He then went on to try and communicate with Big Show in Wookie. Double Brilliant! The king of dead-pan didn’t get the joke……….

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…… and even though he tried to bite back, Cryme Tyme had a full tank of insults to throw back, courtesy of Mr. O’Neal.  Jericho and Show had the final word, but this sets up for an entertaining month ahead. Bravo, WWE. This totally works. What DOESN’T work, is the bad remix/combo track/whatever of Big Show and Jericho’s entrance music. Few missed beats there, guys.

I wasn’t really feeling the women’s match this week. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because, having defended the title at NoC, you would expect there to be some progression in the McCool/Melina storyline.  But it didn’t really materialise. At least on Raw, with the absence of Maryse, they started something new. Anyway, McCool and Melina were strong (especially the flexi-batics at the end). Their students,  Eve and Layla,  seem to be improving. Wax-on-wax-off, girls. Keep it up!

Back in Josh Matthews’ interview den, CM Punk swung in for a chat and was back on the whole Straight Edge thing again. He said he wants EVERYONE to live a Straight Edge lifestyle. Apart from me, of course. I know he’d turn a blind eye if I cracked a bottle of champagne when the two of us have dinner. Aaaand back in the real world, he also said he wanted to take on the winner of the Jeff Hardy/John Morrison match.

Next up, Dolph Ziggler was teaming up with Mike Knox to face Rey Mysterio and Finlay. At first I thought Dolph had gone for a haircut and became quite excited at his new, shorter locks. I like men with really short hair. And I’m not just saying that ’cause my boyfriend has no hair. It’s the truth. Unfortunately, it turned out to be one of those hideous little ponytails. Shame! Maria, how could you let your man walk out like that? Bad girlfriend!

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Great match though. An excellent performance by all. And I was TOTALLY involved in the high pace of the ending. When I’m watching a show alone and I still shout Oooh! Aahhhh! Yeaaaah! Take that, Bitch! at the screen, it’s a cool match.  I’d like to see some verbal battles between Dolph and Rey next week, please. Thanks.

John Morrison did a little promo where he tried to knock Kofi Kingston off the top spot as smiliest boy in the company and then we were in to his match with Jeff. Poet vs Poet. Artist vs Artist.

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Pretty.

Actually, Khali and Charlie Haas fought before the big match, but it was so rubbish I won’t bore you with it.

YAAAAAWWWWN!

So, Jeff and John. Firstly, if you missed this match and are here for a detailed run-down on how it played out….errrm….you took a wrong turn on your Google search somewhere. Read the About page. Secondly, if you missed this match, shame on you. Look for a replay on our local TV channels, go to youtube, go to Hulu.com (if you’re lucky enough to live in America and have access to Hulu), download the torrent, whatever. Just make sure you find it. It was brilliant. And long. That’s what I love about Smackdown at the moment. They’ve got the confidence to trust their guys to put on an entertaining, pacey match without rushing to the pinfall within a few minutes.

If John Morrison isn’t headlining PPVs within a year, I’ll eat my WWE bath towel. Yes, I do own one. Two, actually. And a John Cena and Triple H  cushion. Yes, I am grown woman. What’s your point???

It all came to a climax when Morrison went to stick the Starship Pain on Jeff, but found himself doubled over in actual pain when Jeff lifted his knees at just the right moment. Twist of Fate, Swanton Bomb, 1, 2,3, game over.

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Ah-ha! But it was NOT game over. At least, not for Jeff. CM Punk strolled down the ramp, clapping as he went, and joined Jeff in the ring. He raised Jeff’s arm aloft, the crowd went so nuts they almost collapsed in cardiac arrast, and Jeff looked flummoxed.

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It looked as if Punk was about to apologise for being a buzz-kill for the past few weeks, but just as he began to speak he walloped Jeff in the head with the mic and began his “heinous assault” on Jeff. (Thanks, JR).  So just as we thought this feud might be fizzling out in favour of something new, Punk kicked it up a notch. Fantastic!

TOTALLY morally acceptable, right?

TOTALLY morally acceptable, right?

It all came to a close with Jeff requiring major medical attention and Punk ordering us to watch next week’s Smackdown, where he’ll be taking his belt back. Your wish is my command, honey.

night of champions: swagger of a college kid

Alright, so, before I get in to the matches let me just say…. POOR. PERFORMANCE. PHILADELPHIA. What was with that crowd?  They bearly managed to lift out of their seats until Jeff Hardy started Swantoning all over the place. And that was the last match! I always imagine that cities and states with a particular connection to wrestling will rock harder than other places. Maybe they were distracted by the baseball season or something. Anyway, there’s a lot of bling exchanges to get through so let’s get cracking.

15DHDPretty much every NoC recap I’ve read has said this, but it was kind of telling that Legacy’s much anticipated match with Chris Jericho and a mystery partner was on first.  First matches aren’t generally the best you’re gonna get. They’re there to make sure the people stuck in line waiting to buy an overpriced hotdog and the PPV people at home who can’t get their viewing card number to go through don’t miss the biggest match of the night.

When Jericho announced he’d reveal a new tag partner at Night of Champions, the internet tom-toms started beating and all kinds of wild and wonderful names were thrown about. My personal favourites were the Undertaker, Randy Orton and Christian. How great would it have been for Randy to go up against his helper monkeys and win? Later to lose the WWE title, of course.  And how awesome would Jericho and Christian have been? Team Canada Part Deux? Amazing. Look, I’m even making up my own wrestlegasm moments now.  Anyway, what we actually got was Big Show. Ok, so kind of an anti-climax, but he totally redeemed himself by leaving giant paw-shaped slap mark on Cody Rhodes’ chest.

If it's make-up, don't spoilt it and tell me. I like to think he gave him a really good thump.

If it's make-up, don't spoilt it and tell me. I like to think he gave him a really good thump.

Jericho and Show kept the belts. Game on!

Next up CM Punk, the Maude Flanders of WWE, wanted to confront the audience concerning their debauched, toxic ways and accused the parents (sorry, paRENT) in attendance of damaging their kids.

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It’s strange, part of me thinks “who the hell do you think you ARE, Punk? Telling ME  having a beer is tantamount to shooting heroin in my arm?’ But there’s something a little bit tantalising about a boy THAT square, even if Preachy Punk is just part of a the character. It’s almost like he’s begging to be corrupted. If he ever wants to go the other way and clink pale ale bottle necks together with someone, I’m right here.

Drank a couple of bottles of these on an empty stomach and couldn't feel my feet. True story.

Drank a couple of bottles of this on an empty stomach and couldn't feel my feet. True story.

One question though, a tattoo is ink embedded in the pigment of your skin, right? A foreign chemical under your skin? Just sayin’.

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Moving on, I don’t often give much blog time to ECW. It’s not that I don’t watch or love it, it’s just that I don’t have time to squash everything in here. I can confirm though that I am a total peep and every time Christian’s music kicks I get a funny little tingle in my fingers. We’ll call them Mini-Wrestlegasms. The match was solid and the two shared a lovely, bromantic moment when Christian took the title at the end. But you’ll have to wait til the end of the week before I tell you more about that. Man Hug Moments are now a special feature all of their own.

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Alright, so next we had a Six-Pack Challenge for the US Championship, fought over by Jack Swagger, Carlito, Primo, The Miz, M.V.P and Kofi Kingston.  It went how you might expect a Raw mid-card match to go and wasn’t spectacular, but it was energetic and seemed to turn the key in the backs of the audience for a few minutes. Especially with this ménage à quatre.

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Kofi kept the belt, which was probably a great weight off his mind, what with his dog having hernia surgery this week and all. (I <3 Twitter) I do have a bone to pick with WWE though.  What’s with all the Waffle House hate? First The Miz tells Mickie James he predicts she’ll be reduced to working as a Waffle House waitress within a few years, then Jerry Lawler describes  Jack Swagger as “tougher than a Waffle House steak”? In the interest of fairness, you could have said Denny’s or Shoney’s or IHOP or Cracker Barrel or Bob Evans. Ok, not Bob Evans. Bob Evans is freakin’ awesome.

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From one thing that makes me feel fat to another – Michelle McCool vs Melina. It’s a sad day, people. Like all passing crushes, my girl-crush on Michelle McCool has come to an end. I’m not entirely sure why, but her voice started to grate on me and, ultimately, I tend to shake my pom-poms for faces. I always fall out of love with heels after the initial excitement. (Unless they’re Chris Jericho.)  So, I was fully in Melina’s corner, despite her Smackdown promo involving her chucking foundation powder all over Michelle. Must we ALWAYS use beauty products to fight, ladies? I’m looking at you too, Maryse! My brother informs me that that’s the only way girls know how to fight. I proved him wrong by punching him in the gut………. and sweeping some Jeff Hardy inspired liquid eye-liner across his face.

The match wasn’t bad, but they’ve probably done better on Smackdown. I should know. I actually pay attention to most women’s matches. I would have concentrated a little more closely on this one but the incessant screeching kept distracting me. Kind of like watching women’s tennis. Michelle kept the title, but it’s ok Melina. You’ll get another chance. And, alright, you haven’t got any gold to hang around your waist at the moment, but you boyfriend can hold jewels IN his waist. Hmm? Feel better?

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Ok, time for a big ‘un. Triple H and John Cena try to capture the belt from around Randy Orton’s waist…..or his shoulder depending on what mood he’s in that day.  It started off kind of slow. There was all kinds of slipping under the ropes and posturing. Not that I ever complain about man parades but from a wrestling point of view… slow. But proceedings picked up and it turned in to a pretty good match. Hunter had Randy in a sharp shooter, John joined in with an STF and even the great Randy Orton couldn’t take the pain of the two of them on top of him and started tapping out. I’d be willing to give it a shot, but that’s for another day. Despite the submission, with both guys on top of him, the ref couldn’t decide whether to grant victory to John or Triple H. Tricky! The official scratched his head and consulted his mental rule book on what to do.

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But all this dithering gave the helper monkeys time to scuttle in and remove the boys from Orton’s back.  John tried to put Cody out of action, but before he could adjust his attitude Randy stuck the RKO on John’s neck and took the match. Ok, I need to sit down for a moment to recover. What? You didn’t realise I write these things standing up?

I’m gonna go and sneak backstage to eavesdrop on someone’s conversation. Oh here’s something juicy – The Miz and Maryse. The Miz made his usual advances which, after initially encouraging, Maryse shot down in flames. The line between flirty retreat and outrageous tease is fine and it looks like Maryse travelled too far in the wrong direction.  When even The Miz is turning you down, things ain’t looking too crash hot.

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It was the start of a bad night for Maryse, who went on to lost the Women’s Title to my new number one chickie, Mickie James.  The crowd were AWFUL for this match. AWFUL! And ok, it certainly wasn’t the best match they’ve had together, but apart from the odd wolf whistle and a decent cheer when Mickie took the match, nada.

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It’s funny how things change. Who would have thought a year ago that Smackdown would dominate the final two matches of a PPV and that one of them would involve a former Spirit Squad member.  But Dolph Ziggler has moved up the ladder pretty swiftly over the past few months, and even though I was suspicious of him at first (mainly because of his hair) he was impressive in this match. Ok, so Rey Mysterio is a more than generous performer. But still, I thought Ziggler was kind of special and it makes me excited about the band of college educated athletes floating round the roster at the moment.

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As expected, Mysterio won the match, taking Ziggler out with a 619 once but he’d had his fun. But he gave him a gift of a match. Welcome to the big-time, sir. By far the match I enjoyed most but, oh dear, looks like Maria might be rethinking her choice of beau. She didn’t exactly run to his broken side, did she?

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By the way, if you were as hypnotised by Dolph’s tiny, shiny shorts as I was, keep your eyes peeled at the weekend. I might have a treat for you. Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge. Say-no-more.

Final match of the night belonged to CM Punk and Jeff Hardy. Ok, listen guys. I wanted Punk to win as much as you did. You KNOOOOW how I feel about Mr. Brooks.  But all the marks need to take a Xanax (very un-Punk like, I know) and give Jeff his props.  He’s been working hard for a long time now and if you remember, he only held the belt for a few seconds before Punk cashed in his MITB contract and snatched it away. It’s not Jeff’s fault the powers that be decided to push him. He even asked for a break! It’s not his fault that kids are eating up the promos and feel connected to him.  Embrace! Rant over.

The match itself was pretty solid, as most of their matches have been, and it was awesome to see even more personality then usual from Punk. This strong Straight Edge angle has really brought him out of his shell and I LOVE it. Excuse me for going all-out girly, but there were points when my mind said things like “Oh My God, I don’t think he could look any cuter than he does right there.”

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Punk put the GTS on Jeff but failed to make the pin. And again. And again. Exasperated, Punk took his ball (belt) and went to go home, hoping he’d be counted out, disqualified and remain keeper of the gold. But Jeff was having none of it and dragged Punk back in the ring by the ear.  A few minutes and a Swanton Bomb later – the title had changed hands.

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Ahhhhhhh, it’s awesome to be back on my wrestlegasm throne. I missed ya. More before the end of the week and lots to come over the weekend.

UPDATE: As you will see from the first comment in the comments box, Maude Flanders was supposed to be Helen Lovejoy. Soz. A lapse of concentration on my part. But the dearly departed Mrs. Flanders  would not have been a Jeff Hardy fan anyway. And  you got the idea, right? No harm, no foul.   Huge thanks to my colleague, Adam of LOL Wresslin, for so graciously pointing out my error.

smackdown(lite): eh-men

After the ridiculous dramatics of Trump Buys Raw, I was looking forward to the understated genius that is Smackdown. To kick things off, Josh Matthews decided to hold an in-ring interview with Jeff Hardy.  First, Josh reminded him of his win over Edge at Extreme Rules. Ahhh. Good times. But then he reminded him of how CM Punk cashed in his MITB contract just seconds later. And theeeeen, just to rub even more vinegar in to the gash, Josh went on the remind Jeff that he had been SOOO CLOSE to regaining the title on the special Raw earlier in the week, but Punk had foiled his plans again and kept the belt. Bloody hell, Josh! How about you remind ME not to call YOU next time I’m feeling a bit blue.

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Jeff was given  a moment to leave his failures in the past, so it’s only fair that CM Punk has his say too.  The crowd are still confused about what to make of New Punk. It’s kind of like when New Wave music hit in the very early 80s. It’s not hard, it’s not soft. Kind of in the middle. New CM Punk is the Blondie of WWE, but with black hair and strange insomnia bags under his eyes. Phillip, get some sleep chicker, or at least borrow some of Debbie’s concealer. (BTW I’m not actually old enough to remember New Wave ‘hitting’. I just watch a lot of rock-docs.)

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They ALMOST did the Drugs v Just Say No story, but they bottled it. Chickens! They just skated around the topic, like the Seinfeld ‘The Contest’ episode.

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During the break, Punk left and Jeff stayed to have a roll around with Jericho. This match had no reason, other than to be exquisitely entertaining and not to ruin the PPV matches by showing us something we have the priviledge of paying to see a couple of weeks later. But wait, there’s a twist. A simple but perfect twist.  The front row directly left of the ramp was graced with three guys in Rey Mysterio face-shirts and masks.  Ah! But! One of them WAS Rey Mysterio. At an opportune moment Rey jumped the barrier, swung his legs around Jericho’s neck, took him down and jumped back in to this seat. Naturally, the referee was otherwise engaged in the ring and missed the whole thing. With Jericho dazed and confused, Jeff was able to make the pin for the win.

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PSSST! REY! The guy behind you with the camera is blowing your cover.

Oh, Smackdown. It you were a fella I would have the biggest crush on you right now. I’d write I <3 SD on Post-Its and stick them all over my office. Which would be quite embarrassing as I am:

a) a fully grown lady

b) more immature than the students I try to teach how to be a grown up

Anyway, backstage Layla and Eve were arguing over who a can of hairspray belonged to. Yeah. Really. They needed Maria to separate them and allocate the spritzer to Eve. Seems the dance-off, the arm-wrestle and the cat-fighting was all worthless ’cause all they needed was a gentle word from Freuline Maria. Who knew? Their moment was interrupted by Dolph Ziggler who, by some freak of nature, I am starting to dig. DOH! The ladies pretended they didn’t know what his name was and he skulked off in a mood.

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His match with Khali was kind of a wipeout. Ziggler won via DQ. I’d like to see him get  a feud going with someone else. I’m kind of biased against Khali.

He's the shame of sexy? Duh! Actually, Todd looks amazingly handsome in that picture, so he may be in with a shot.

He's the shamen of sexy? Duh! Actually, Todd looks amazingly handsome in that picture, so he may be in with a shot.

Alright, time for the girls to get up and, oh boy, am I happy there’s going to be a Women’s Title Match at The Bash. There hasn’t been a proper Women’s division match at a PPV since before Wrestlemania. Alicia Fox took Melina on with, of course, Michelle McCool at her side. The match was fine.  I think at one point Todd Grisham might have said “you’ve gotta bend Melina pretty good to make her scream.” Oh, Todd. You like to pretend you know that from experience, don’t you? Melina went on to win the match but Michelle took exception, kicking her in the face and out the ring.

But here was the shocker….. Michelle took a microphone and SPOKE! Yes, a women’s match at a PPV AND a promo. My cup runeth over. Although, the lack of mic time might have hampered Michelle’s delivery technique. She seemed a little….awkward. But I don’t care. A promo, however disjointed,  from one of the girls totally made my day.

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Alrighty. Back to the boys and Edge was in the ring, not too chuffed about being paired up with rising star, John Morrison. I swear, every single time I write about Morrison I type ‘Jim’ and then have to backspace for ‘John’.  Anyway, Edge accused John of wanting to ‘be’ him. Morrison responded by doing a REALLY bad Canadian accent, and he told Edge he’d better stop complaining of he’d give him something to complain about. Oooh. Handbags at dawn.

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It's rai-ning eh's. Halleluiah! It's raining eh's, eh-men!

I heard lots of talk about the mainstream introduction of The Hart Dynasty last week, but Morrison’s big match with Edge was an understated big-deal too.  Definitely a step up the career ladder. Brilliant match! BRILLIANT! Edge took it with a spear, but it was so good. How many times can I say I love Smackdown before I get so annoying people stop visiting? I think I’m probably on the borderline right now. I’ll stop.

R-Truth and Cryme Tyme took Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin and Ricky Ortiz on in a three-man tag. It was fine. Ya know, as expected.

Fresh from his stint sitting in the crowd, Rey Mysterio made his way past the crowd and jumped in to the ring. You know what I was thinking when he was touching foreheads with the masked kids this week? That he must whisper inspirational phrases in their ear. Life-affirming statements that will carry them through their adolescence and in to adulthood.  Stuff like this maybe…….

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Ah. If only I’d touched faces with a masked wrestler when I was a kid, maybe I’d have been a superstar. *day-dreaming*. Anyway, Mysterio challenged Jericho to a rematch so he could regain his Intercontinental Title. His speech was interrupted by Jericho who, after a beautiful verbal tustle, told Rey that if he wanted a rematch he’d have to be willing to de-PVC his face if he lost. This was all agreed so we’ll see  how that pans out at The Bash, but it’s pretty safe to say we won’t be seeing Mysterio’s face any time soon. Or will we? Oooh.

As Smackdown is all about delicately interwoven storylines that don’t need to show you a PPV main event before the PPV, Rey Mysterio stayed in the ring to go up against CM Punk while Jericho slid over to JRs hip, donned a headset and spoke mean words about Rey.  Jericho is wicked on commentary. Seriously. He never runs out of the perfetc words. Take note Rhodes and DiBiase. Stringing a coherent  sentence together is part of your job. K?  When Jericho reaches retirement, PLEEEEASE give him a commentary job.

By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice at the beginning of the show that Punk was back in his lavender tinted shorts again. The article of clothing that made CROTCH WATCH possible in the first place. So just in case you thought the white trunks on Raw were a fluke…. see? He DOES like the attention.

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The match was moving along nicely when Jericho jumped out of his seat, drove Mysterio in to the turnbuckle while the ref was twiddling his thumbs and left him in the grip of a count-out. Rey managed to drag himself back under the ropes but Punk stuck the GTS on him and it was all over. Being the fine, upstanding citizen he is, Jeff Hardy could not ignore the injustice he had witnessed and tried to reason with the ref and Punk. Neither wanted to listen , Punk was booed and he held his belt aloft and exited the arena. Game on!

smackdown(lite): sleeping with a punk

It’s fair to say that Smackdown had its fair share of drama at Extreme Rules. I’ll do my best to work in what happened, otherwise it just ain’t gonna make sense.

First person to the ring, CM Punk, with the heavyweight belt around his waist. Yes, you are correct. Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract at Extreme Rules. But not against Edge. Against everyone’s favourite Fonzy…..Jeff Hardy. SHOCKER! IT WAS AMAZING! I LOVED IT! Punk turns heel then. Or does he?  He didn’t seem too mean and menacing standing in the ring.  He even said “That doesn’t make a bad guy.” True heels don’t CARE that you think they’re a bad dude. In fact, they WANT you think they’re a bad dude. I’m confused.

Anyway, Punk went on to say that he plans on bringing some dignity back to the belt. But as he spoke some music hit. Can you guess which music it was? Correct. Go on, you know you want to play it.

I kid. But yes, it was Jeff and uh-oh, he ain’t happy. In fact, he’s so furious he didn’t concentrate when he was getting dressed and pulled on some jeans from the 1986 dress-up box.

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They argued the toss about whose fault it was and Jeff demanded his rematch THAT NIGHT. But someone else had something to say. Edge butted in and was made to feel wholly unwelcome by his two colleagues. Well, at least they agree on SOMETHING. Oh, I should say, Punk had an amazing match with Umaga at Extreme Rules which subsequently left Umaga unemployed. Hence the new feuding.

The tustle went on and Edge tried to claim that CM Punk was trying to emulate him. Errrrr, yah, cause they look sooo alike, right? Nope. He claimed that Punk’s Straight Edge lifestyle was named after him….. yeah, sure, a 30-year old lifestyle movement was named after a wrestling character. Whatever gets you through the night, sweetie.

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Edge thinks Punk is crushing on him, Jeff wants Punk to be crushing on him, Jeff hates Edge but Punk's really crushing on John Morrison. (Not in the triangle.)

Jeff ran out of patience, eliminated Edge but shoving him out of the ring, put the Twist of Fate and then a Swanton Bomb on Punk and hollered at the crowd from the top rope.

But wait, the situation still isn’t resolved. Teddy Long came out to announce that Jeff and Edge would have to fight that night in a number one contender match. Whoever won would face Punk on Raw on Monday. Yes you read right. Raw. Seems they got bored with the brand separation pretty quickly and are mixing things up in a 3-hour Raw tomorrow.  They had a PPV 8 days previous and now they’re having a free PPV style show where Raw should be. *shrugs shoulders*

Having just left the ramp, Teddy Long made his way back to his office to find Chris Jericho looking a little too comfortable in his leather armchair. I swear, he was a cigar, a scotch-on-the-rocks and a fluffy white pussycat away from being a bond villain, just, more naked.

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Jericho was feeling left out so Teddy gave him a match against Punk for that night. Yum!

Dolph Ziggler took Khali on AGAIN. Getting bored with this. Doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Although, I’m pleased to report that after last week’s observation that Ziggler spreads too much goose fat over his chest, he seemed considerably less greasy this week. A triumph. Now, if he would just let me take the clippers to his horrible hair and ditch the camp leather waistcoat we may be getting somewhere.

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Ziggler was under the cosh so he grabbed Khali’s interpreter dude by the mutton chops and roughed him up a bit. Khali came to save him and got counted out, giving Ziggler the win.

Next up, a womens match. Michelle McCool and Layla (accompanied by A.Fox) v Melina and Eve. Michelle’s hair looked so cool. Come on, hair. Get BLONDER! Maybe I should try getting out in the sunshine instead of staying hauled up in front of a computer all day. Well, it’s up to you, I can either write stuff to make you happy or have blonde hair. The decision is yours.

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Layla and Eve were fine, but when Melina and Michelle were in the ring together it was AWESOME. Pleaaaaase give them a big  PPV match. They’re so good.

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Best move of all was when Michelle managed to counter a Melina move, dragged her off her back, pull her over the top of her shoulders and shimmied her down the front to put the Faith Breaker on her. I bloody love that Faith Breaker. Every time Michelle does it I swear her victim’s face will have turned concave, and yet they come out just as pretty as they went in. Mwah!

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PS> Please start selling Alicia’s t-shirt in the shopzone. Ta.

From female tag-teams to male couples, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas v John Morrison and R-Truth. I’m just starting to realise that Shelton Benjamin is actually pretty buff. I think maybe the lightbulb on his head was distracting me from what was going on from the neck down. Nice work, m’friend.

Another brilliant match from these guys. R-Truth spinning Benjamin around by his feet and suspended from his neck was amazing. One of the things I love about Smackdown is that even the nothing matches, where nothing is on the line but pride, are a joy to watch. Ok, maybe not Ziggler and Khali….. but the rest. Morrison pinned Haas for the win and gave me my Man-Hug Moment of the week. Interesting that Morrison is often one half of a Man-Hug. I think he misses The Miz. He just wants a new BFF.

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At Extreme Rules Jericho beat Rey Mysterio and unmasked him as promised. Mysterio left the arena before anyone could really see him. On Smackdown he walked out carrying that same mask and held it up like that famous scene from Hamlet, where Hamlet finds the grave of his old pal Yorick, holds up his skull and remembers him fondly.

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But wait,  Jericho kind of despises Mysterio so that analogy doesn’t work. Fugetaboutit! The match was alright. Pretty good, but it didn’t really count for anything. And it was old heel vs new heel. They still cheered for Punk when he stuck the GTS on Jericho and took the match. See? It doesn’t work yet. Make him be really evil. Randy Orton evil. Now THAT would be sweet!

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Final match of the night was Jeff Hardy and Edge for that number one contenders spot. You know, considering they had survived an epic ladders match just 48 hours earlier, they did brilliantly. Seriously, they must have had a few tasty bumps and bruises from that match. CM Punk was at the commentary table and chipped in at regular intervals.

Jeff had Edge all lined up for the cover but he made the school-boy error or standing on the ropes for some crowd adoration and gave Edge the opportunity to sneak out of the ring while he was soaking up the love. Jeff came after him but Edge managed to grab him and chuck him at Punk, who was comfortably swinging from side-to-side in his swivel chair. Furious at having his swivel fun interrupted, Punk ran at Edge in the ring and the bell was tolled for the end of the match. All three punched it out for a couple of minutes but nobody knew who the number one contender actually was. Teddy?

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Tiffany, yes, she of ECW fame, announced Christian vs Dreamer for Monday night, and Teddy announced a triple threat between Edge, Jeff and Punk. I am more excited about this special Raw than I am for most PPVs. I think there’s gonna be a few surprises. Keeeep watchiiing!

smackdown(lite): now that’s how you make a wrestling show

Remember last week when I got all puffed up and tearful about the car crash television that was Raw vs The Denver Nuggets? The reason it got me so wound up was that it worried me that someone might have chosen that particular night to start watching wrestling for the first time and would have thought it was representative of wrestling programming in general.  For the complete opposite reason, I shall be holding on to last Friday’s episode of Smackdown, so that when anyone asks me why I enjoy wrestling I can give them a copy. Kind of like when my sociology tutor asked if she could keep my research project on British Soap Operas as Social Eduction so she could show it to future students on how to execute a media and society project. I’m still proud of that one. But enough of my personal triumphs from the distant past. Let’s go down some smack.

The blue Smackdown trucks rolled in to Memphis and appeared to have picked up a few accessories along the way. The arena was littered with ladder after ladder after ladder.  It looked like a cubist painting from the turn of the 20th Century. If Pablo Picasso were alive today he’d be in heaven. All those straight lines and obscure angles. I imagine his rendition might look something like this.

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I call it, Sea of Steel. (Title stolen from Jim Ross). PS> If you do the 'right-click, save-as...' on this picture, please credit it back to wrestlegasm.com. Thanks.

Beautiful! Even if I do say so myself. But that’s enough about art. Mainly because without the crutch of Wikipedia I know absolutely nothing.

Edge made his way through the maze of metal and called Jeff Hardy out to join him. Jeff made an impossibly long entrance to the ring, slipping some skin to all the kiddies screaming at him as he went. Well, he IS the Pied Piper of Wrestle World. Everyone dances to his tune. Not that I’m calling wrestling fans rats or anything. Oh, I think I need a new metaphor. I should prob go back to Fonzy. After ducking under every ladder in his path, Jeff  arrived in the ring but exclaimed that he would be decidedly more comfortable on top of a ladder and began climbing.

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Edge accused him of peddling false bravado and pandering to the sheep in the audience. No, Edge. RATS, not sheep. I’ll send him a copy of this for his birthday…….

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Edge continued and made sure Jeff knew that every time he made an attempt to reach for the belt at Extreme Rules he’d be there to knock him back down again. BOOO! He climbed to join Jeff at ladder height and they had a good old chin-wag about who would be victorious at Sunday’s PPV. Jeff explained that his free-spirit would be his salvation but Edge got all NUH-UHH, and whacked him across the temple with the suspended title belt. Not content with a mere slap to the head, he tipped Jeff over and he went flying down to the ground, his fall only broken by the ropes. But as JR so diligently reminded us, those ropes are made of encased steel, so not much of a soft landing after all.

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Great opener. What’s next? John Morrison v Shelton Benjamin. I love watching these two. They’re pacey, creative and so athletic is makes me ashamed of being so unathletic. No, it’s not just Ms. McCool who makes me feel like that. It was a great, solid match and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing the Starship Pain. AMAZING! But the most shocking moment of the match was the revelation from JR that the quadricep is the biggest muscle in the body. WHAT? I thought it was the Gluteus Maximus. Your ass is bigger than your thighs, right? He then went on to say that he remembers that from his anatomy days. Oh, you must be trained doctor then. My apologies Dr. Ross. No offense, but if I’m going to believe the medical ramblings of a Dr. Ross, I’ll stick with this one.

Look at the girl in the background who is supposed to be dead but is actually George out. George Clooney: So handsome he raises women from the dead.

Look at the girl in the background. She is supposed to be dead but is actually checking George out. George Clooney: So handsome he raises women from the dead.

Moving on and Chris Jericho was roaming the backstage area, which means he’ll be calling us all gelatinous again within a couple of minutes.

He strutted his way out to the ring, as he does, and began slamming Rey Mysterio and the audience. Ok, he didn’t say ‘gelatinous’ again, but he did use the words ‘zombies’ and ‘web of deceit’. COOL! But just as Jericho asked us if we’re fully clear on what he was trying to say, some music started playing. R-Truth? R-Truth is facing up to Jericho? I was not expecting that. He did his whole ‘WHAT’S UP?’ thing, asked Memphis what was up, and then asked Chris Jericho what was up with him. It was lovely, comedy moment because the contempt on Jericho’s face was priceless. He had that look my mother gets when I try to explain the purpose of blogging to her.

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Jericho went on, amazed that anyone dared to interrupt him in full arsehole mode, but R-Truth bit back. Much like Umaga, he’s allowed to speak now. YAY! R-Truth told him that just because he talked down to everyone, it didn’t actually make him badass. But he promised that things were about to get bad. REAL bad. Wheee! Match, pleeeease.

I wasn’t expecting them to work well together. Not sure why. Just not one I’d expect to see on the combo menu. But it was great. To be fair though, I think I sometimes forget how great Chris Jericho is in the ring. He’s got years and years of experience and this current persona he’s been dealt makes me forget how awesome he really is. Declaration of love over, back to the match result. Truth leaped from the ropes but it went wrong, he landed awkwardly and left Jericho with the pin. Better luck next time, kiddo, but welcome to the big-time.

Then, just as Jericho reached the top of the ramp and was about to exit, Rey Mysterio came running out, knocked him down and began pummelling him straight in the face. I may have misheard, but I think JR may have said that Rey was “going Medieval on Jericho”. Medieval? Like this?

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Men in tights and funny looking headgear? ‘Cause that’s a description of wrestling, right? Ok I think I’ve got the wrong end of the sword. The officials ran out, managed to prise Rey from Jericho’s chest and it looked like the moment of madness was over. But, just as Rey was about to leave, he made a flying leap off the edge of the ramp straight at the recovering Chris Jericho. IT. WAS. AWESOME. I love when Rey Mysterio gets all fired up like that. And I love you, Smackdown.

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Next, Umaga and CM Punk were up, minus their PPV stipulation.  Curious, but I’ll assume they know what they’re doing. I think CROTCH WATCH may have made CM Punk so uncomfortable that he’s completely ignoring me now. Not only has he stopped wearing my favourite lavender trunks, but has now taken to wearing black trunks in protest.  Sorry, Phillip. I’m not such a terrible letch. Honest. CROTCH WATCH will now take a hiatus until Punk feels comfortable enough to wear his lavender trunks again. At which point the whole cycle will repeat itself.

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The match itself was brilliant. Really. I know other people have said it, but it could easily have passed for a PPV match. I do wonder if they’ll have enough juice in the tank to improve upon the SD match. I know they’ll have the strap match stip, but still. I’ll make a recommendation. If the PPV match does fall short, let’s not complain. We’ll look back on this one and remember they know how to do better. Deal? It was all moving along beautifully but I figured it would probably go Umaga’s way in the end. NOOOOPE! To my immense surprise CM Punk, who my dad refers to as ‘weedy’, picked Umaga up across his shoulders, held him there and then dropped him like a sack of spuds in to the mat, pinning him for the win. OH. MY GOD. You know what’s coming, right?

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John Cena might be a tad pissed off that Punk stole his bit, but sod that. You know what’s better than a big muscly guy who can lift heavyweights above his head? A slightly less muscly guy who can do the same thing. Because that makes him kind of intriguing and surprising. SWOOOOOON!

After all that wrestlegasming (new word) I need a women’s match to give me a few minutes to calm down. Oh, whaddaya know? There’s one coming up next. What a coincidence. :D Michelle McCool, Alicia Fox and Layla(why?) were taking on Melina, Gail Kim and Eve Torres(I see) with Maria as guest referee. MARIA! SWEETHEART! Where’ve ya been, darlin’? I’ve missed you. Maria was wearing a rather fetching referee’s outfit, a little sexier than that worn by the guys.

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I’ll let you in on a little secret. I often think ‘If I worked for the WWE, what would my role be?’ Wrestler? Errm, no. My body ain’t perfect enough for that.  Commentator? Nah. I’m not quick enough. I doubt anyone would understand me anyway. When I get excited my accent gets a bit incoherent. Ring announcer? Possibly, but my entrance announcement for Randy Orton might go a bit like “OH MY GOD, Randy’s coming out, people. Ooooh, he’s so MEAN looking. RAAAAWR!” Fail. I usually settle for referee, but in a cute little dress similar to Maria’s, but more this kind of shape…….

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…..a bit vintage-y, but with black and white stripes of course. Right, so, the match. I LOVE the whole Hollywood paparazzi thing they do for Melina and Co. It seems minor, but it’s the fine details make all the difference.

Pretty good match. I thought Gail Kim was particularly wicked this week. When are we going to have a women’s match at a PPV again, Vince? It’s been AGES. TOTALLY unfair. I’d love to see Michelle McCool and Gail Kim in a big PPV match. It would be awesome. But one of them has to swipe the belt from Melina first. Someone sort this out for me, please? Thanks. The match was actually won by my fellow country-woman, Layla. I’m not really getting this, but whatever. Nobody in the company seems to care what happens to the women anyway. I’m pretty sure it’s all done randomly.

And just to sadden me even more, Great Khali is up next against Dolph Ziggler. Gag me with a spoon! I could not care less about Khali, and Dolph Ziggler looked like he just emptied three bottles of baby oil over his chest.

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But I did just realise this week (thanks to a pic in WWE magazine) that he used to be in the Spirit Squad, which made me point and laugh more than usual. Actually, I think at some point I might start liking Ziggler. I’ve got a feeling in my bones. I’m just not ready to give in yet. Khali won. That’s all you need to know.

Final match of the night was a Champion v Champion match – Rey Mysterio v Edge. More awesomeness ensued and Edge made the pin. Just as Rey was looking like he’d had enough, Edge added insult to injury and dragged a ladder from under the apron. As he prepared to put Rey’s lights out for good, Jeff Hardy ran in with a steel chair, whacked Edge down, set the ladder up in the corner of the ring, gave a nod and a wink to the crowd and performed a 15ft leg drop from the top of the ladder. I actually shouted “YEEEEEEAH!” when he did it.

JHLDONEYEAH

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE NIGHT

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This lady, right after CM Punk lifted Umaga. She’s got the head-tilt going on, she’s touching her hair. That’s the look of swoon. I’m with ya, darlin’. The dude sitting behind her is obviously an Umaga fan.

See you after the extremities, guys!