John Morrison loves a good hug. He’s an easy-going fellow who never backs away from an opportunity to show some love.  He even appears in the banner for this segment. Remember when he was separated from his man-friend The Miz at last year’s big draft? The end of an era. The end of a bromance! But John’s got a new bromance on the boil. He’s teaming up with R-Truth to challenge Miz and Big Show for the tag-team titles at Wrestlemania 26.

It shouldn’t be surprising that these two enjoy being together. One is a rock star, the other is a rap star. Rock/Rap fusions, when done well, can work very nicely. Think Aerosmith and Run DMC back in the day. Think Jay-Z and Linkin Park’s joint Collision Course venture. You get the idea. Admittedly, the age gap might give them a few issues. After all, John Morrison travelled through time from 1965 to work for Vince McMahon, and R-Truth is a thoroughly modern chap. But I’m sure they’ll overcome it. John Morrison even tweets every now and then, so he must have a decent handle on contemporary technology.

The first signs that this fusion might be taking off came towards the end of last month. R-Truth gate-crashed Morrison’s promo interview with Josh Matthews and the bromantic tension between them was evident.

A few minutes later, Truth was cracking Jo-Mo up with hilarious funny-faces.

And by the end of the promo they were strolling off together arm-in-arm.

This new friendship was tested quickly. Just a week or two later, John and Truth were forced to fight each other in a Triple Threat with Dolph Ziggler for a spot in the Wrestlemania Money in the Bank Ladder Match. This could easily have caused a rift between them, but as Ziggler took the win it allowed them to stay friends. Phew! There’s nothing worse than the opening bud that is a new bromance being cut down before it’s had chance to blossom.

Fast-forward to last week’s Smackdown and it appeared that the union had been cemented when they executed the most perfect of man-hugs. Men, you see, tend to avoid touching their bodies together. When women hug each other, they squeeze. When men hug each other, it often starts with a handshake, then a pull together (keeping the handshake in place to keep the bodies slightly separated, then a wrap of the arms with a hard backslap. Observe:

Oh and just to top it off, a lingering look:

Their final moment of brotherly love came later that night, when they beat The Hart Dynasty and Cryme Tyme for that elusive Wrestlemania spot. After winning the match, they did a mini-man-hug, making sure not to press their nether regions together (as men prefer):

They did the ‘pointy-pointy’ together:

No, R-Truth, the Wrestlemania sign is IN FRONT of you.

They shared an awkward but endearing dance:


And they executed their second full man-hug of the evening:

John Morrison and R-Truth are a good match, both bromatically and in a wrestling sense. They both love to throw some aerial acrobatics into their in-ring performances, they both deliver promos which sometimes need subtitles to make sense and, most importantly, they both love a good man-hug. Long may it continue!

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It’s been a while since we last had a definitive Man Hug Moment and if ever there was a hug which represented a particular bond between two men, it was Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels’ embrace on last week’s Raw.

Social etiquette is tricky. How well do you have to know someone before it’s acceptable to hug them? From what I’ve experienced and witnessed, Mediterranean types are quite happy to fondle each other as a matter of course. What the British might consider inappropriate groping, the Spanish and the Italians consider to be just as polite as a gentle handshake. And that’s before we even get started on air-kissing. In France it’s two kisses for general acquaintances and three for friends and family. But at which juncture of the relationship might one switch from being an acquaintance to a friend? Minefield! Personally, I’m all for hugs. They’re one of the best things about having arms and man hugs are the sweetest of all.

Shawn Michaels may be the Heartbreak Kid, but he certainly didn’t melt Bret Hart’s insides last week. Have you ever fallen out with someone, then reconciled your differences, only to realise it’s going to take longer than you thought before you’re true friends again? I have. And it goes a little something like this:

Alright, so not all Man Hugs leave you with a warm glow inside. In fact, this one was chillier than the freezing British cold snap we’ve been enduring this past fortnight. But how could I possibly have a segment on hugging and not mention the most epic display of body language speaking louder than words ever? You don’t know me at all!

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mhmbanThe men of the WWE haven’t been too chummy lately. Man hugs have been in short supply and even when I have spotted them, they haven’t been heartfelt enough to stick in my memory. Thank heavens for Dave Batista and Rey Mysterio who, within just a few minutes of chatter on this week’s Smackdown managed to embrace with feeling three times. Man hugs are just like British buses… you wait forever for one and then three show up at once. Observe:

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Can't

get

get

enough

enough

And just for good measure, they threw an extra one in at the end of the show too. Bless their hearts. What better way to recover from a CM Punk sneak attack than a little snuggle.

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All hail the return on man hugs!

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There’s nothing quite like a tender, bromantic moment to warm the cockles of your heart. Especially when it’s a legend squeezing his younger opponent. Man Hugs were a touch thin on the ground this week. But that’s ok, we were treated to a really special one at Night of Champions.

Christian had just recaptured the ECW title and was offered the hand of Tommy Dreamer to close the match. But, oh no, Christian doesn’t do cordial handshakes. He does great, big “I LOVE YOU, MAAAAAAN! hugs.

Feeling chilly? Puts your hands out in front of your monitor and feel the warmth oozing out of this……………………………

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night of champions: swagger of a college kid

Alright, so, before I get in to the matches let me just say…. POOR. PERFORMANCE. PHILADELPHIA. What was with that crowd?  They bearly managed to lift out of their seats until Jeff Hardy started Swantoning all over the place. And that was the last match! I always imagine that cities and states with a particular connection to wrestling will rock harder than other places. Maybe they were distracted by the baseball season or something. Anyway, there’s a lot of bling exchanges to get through so let’s get cracking.

15DHDPretty much every NoC recap I’ve read has said this, but it was kind of telling that Legacy’s much anticipated match with Chris Jericho and a mystery partner was on first.  First matches aren’t generally the best you’re gonna get. They’re there to make sure the people stuck in line waiting to buy an overpriced hotdog and the PPV people at home who can’t get their viewing card number to go through don’t miss the biggest match of the night.

When Jericho announced he’d reveal a new tag partner at Night of Champions, the internet tom-toms started beating and all kinds of wild and wonderful names were thrown about. My personal favourites were the Undertaker, Randy Orton and Christian. How great would it have been for Randy to go up against his helper monkeys and win? Later to lose the WWE title, of course.  And how awesome would Jericho and Christian have been? Team Canada Part Deux? Amazing. Look, I’m even making up my own wrestlegasm moments now.  Anyway, what we actually got was Big Show. Ok, so kind of an anti-climax, but he totally redeemed himself by leaving giant paw-shaped slap mark on Cody Rhodes’ chest.

If it's make-up, don't spoilt it and tell me. I like to think he gave him a really good thump.

If it's make-up, don't spoilt it and tell me. I like to think he gave him a really good thump.

Jericho and Show kept the belts. Game on!

Next up CM Punk, the Maude Flanders of WWE, wanted to confront the audience concerning their debauched, toxic ways and accused the parents (sorry, paRENT) in attendance of damaging their kids.

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It’s strange, part of me thinks “who the hell do you think you ARE, Punk? Telling ME  having a beer is tantamount to shooting heroin in my arm?’ But there’s something a little bit tantalising about a boy THAT square, even if Preachy Punk is just part of a the character. It’s almost like he’s begging to be corrupted. If he ever wants to go the other way and clink pale ale bottle necks together with someone, I’m right here.

Drank a couple of bottles of these on an empty stomach and couldn't feel my feet. True story.

Drank a couple of bottles of this on an empty stomach and couldn't feel my feet. True story.

One question though, a tattoo is ink embedded in the pigment of your skin, right? A foreign chemical under your skin? Just sayin’.

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Moving on, I don’t often give much blog time to ECW. It’s not that I don’t watch or love it, it’s just that I don’t have time to squash everything in here. I can confirm though that I am a total peep and every time Christian’s music kicks I get a funny little tingle in my fingers. We’ll call them Mini-Wrestlegasms. The match was solid and the two shared a lovely, bromantic moment when Christian took the title at the end. But you’ll have to wait til the end of the week before I tell you more about that. Man Hug Moments are now a special feature all of their own.

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Alright, so next we had a Six-Pack Challenge for the US Championship, fought over by Jack Swagger, Carlito, Primo, The Miz, M.V.P and Kofi Kingston.  It went how you might expect a Raw mid-card match to go and wasn’t spectacular, but it was energetic and seemed to turn the key in the backs of the audience for a few minutes. Especially with this ménage à quatre.

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Kofi kept the belt, which was probably a great weight off his mind, what with his dog having hernia surgery this week and all. (I <3 Twitter) I do have a bone to pick with WWE though.  What’s with all the Waffle House hate? First The Miz tells Mickie James he predicts she’ll be reduced to working as a Waffle House waitress within a few years, then Jerry Lawler describes  Jack Swagger as “tougher than a Waffle House steak”? In the interest of fairness, you could have said Denny’s or Shoney’s or IHOP or Cracker Barrel or Bob Evans. Ok, not Bob Evans. Bob Evans is freakin’ awesome.

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From one thing that makes me feel fat to another – Michelle McCool vs Melina. It’s a sad day, people. Like all passing crushes, my girl-crush on Michelle McCool has come to an end. I’m not entirely sure why, but her voice started to grate on me and, ultimately, I tend to shake my pom-poms for faces. I always fall out of love with heels after the initial excitement. (Unless they’re Chris Jericho.)  So, I was fully in Melina’s corner, despite her Smackdown promo involving her chucking foundation powder all over Michelle. Must we ALWAYS use beauty products to fight, ladies? I’m looking at you too, Maryse! My brother informs me that that’s the only way girls know how to fight. I proved him wrong by punching him in the gut………. and sweeping some Jeff Hardy inspired liquid eye-liner across his face.

The match wasn’t bad, but they’ve probably done better on Smackdown. I should know. I actually pay attention to most women’s matches. I would have concentrated a little more closely on this one but the incessant screeching kept distracting me. Kind of like watching women’s tennis. Michelle kept the title, but it’s ok Melina. You’ll get another chance. And, alright, you haven’t got any gold to hang around your waist at the moment, but you boyfriend can hold jewels IN his waist. Hmm? Feel better?

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Ok, time for a big ‘un. Triple H and John Cena try to capture the belt from around Randy Orton’s waist…..or his shoulder depending on what mood he’s in that day.  It started off kind of slow. There was all kinds of slipping under the ropes and posturing. Not that I ever complain about man parades but from a wrestling point of view… slow. But proceedings picked up and it turned in to a pretty good match. Hunter had Randy in a sharp shooter, John joined in with an STF and even the great Randy Orton couldn’t take the pain of the two of them on top of him and started tapping out. I’d be willing to give it a shot, but that’s for another day. Despite the submission, with both guys on top of him, the ref couldn’t decide whether to grant victory to John or Triple H. Tricky! The official scratched his head and consulted his mental rule book on what to do.

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But all this dithering gave the helper monkeys time to scuttle in and remove the boys from Orton’s back.  John tried to put Cody out of action, but before he could adjust his attitude Randy stuck the RKO on John’s neck and took the match. Ok, I need to sit down for a moment to recover. What? You didn’t realise I write these things standing up?

I’m gonna go and sneak backstage to eavesdrop on someone’s conversation. Oh here’s something juicy – The Miz and Maryse. The Miz made his usual advances which, after initially encouraging, Maryse shot down in flames. The line between flirty retreat and outrageous tease is fine and it looks like Maryse travelled too far in the wrong direction.  When even The Miz is turning you down, things ain’t looking too crash hot.

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It was the start of a bad night for Maryse, who went on to lost the Women’s Title to my new number one chickie, Mickie James.  The crowd were AWFUL for this match. AWFUL! And ok, it certainly wasn’t the best match they’ve had together, but apart from the odd wolf whistle and a decent cheer when Mickie took the match, nada.

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It’s funny how things change. Who would have thought a year ago that Smackdown would dominate the final two matches of a PPV and that one of them would involve a former Spirit Squad member.  But Dolph Ziggler has moved up the ladder pretty swiftly over the past few months, and even though I was suspicious of him at first (mainly because of his hair) he was impressive in this match. Ok, so Rey Mysterio is a more than generous performer. But still, I thought Ziggler was kind of special and it makes me excited about the band of college educated athletes floating round the roster at the moment.

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As expected, Mysterio won the match, taking Ziggler out with a 619 once but he’d had his fun. But he gave him a gift of a match. Welcome to the big-time, sir. By far the match I enjoyed most but, oh dear, looks like Maria might be rethinking her choice of beau. She didn’t exactly run to his broken side, did she?

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By the way, if you were as hypnotised by Dolph’s tiny, shiny shorts as I was, keep your eyes peeled at the weekend. I might have a treat for you. Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge. Say-no-more.

Final match of the night belonged to CM Punk and Jeff Hardy. Ok, listen guys. I wanted Punk to win as much as you did. You KNOOOOW how I feel about Mr. Brooks.  But all the marks need to take a Xanax (very un-Punk like, I know) and give Jeff his props.  He’s been working hard for a long time now and if you remember, he only held the belt for a few seconds before Punk cashed in his MITB contract and snatched it away. It’s not Jeff’s fault the powers that be decided to push him. He even asked for a break! It’s not his fault that kids are eating up the promos and feel connected to him.  Embrace! Rant over.

The match itself was pretty solid, as most of their matches have been, and it was awesome to see even more personality then usual from Punk. This strong Straight Edge angle has really brought him out of his shell and I LOVE it. Excuse me for going all-out girly, but there were points when my mind said things like “Oh My God, I don’t think he could look any cuter than he does right there.”

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Punk put the GTS on Jeff but failed to make the pin. And again. And again. Exasperated, Punk took his ball (belt) and went to go home, hoping he’d be counted out, disqualified and remain keeper of the gold. But Jeff was having none of it and dragged Punk back in the ring by the ear.  A few minutes and a Swanton Bomb later – the title had changed hands.

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Ahhhhhhh, it’s awesome to be back on my wrestlegasm throne. I missed ya. More before the end of the week and lots to come over the weekend.

UPDATE: As you will see from the first comment in the comments box, Maude Flanders was supposed to be Helen Lovejoy. Soz. A lapse of concentration on my part. But the dearly departed Mrs. Flanders  would not have been a Jeff Hardy fan anyway. And  you got the idea, right? No harm, no foul.   Huge thanks to my colleague, Adam of LOL Wresslin, for so graciously pointing out my error.

smackdown(lite): sleeping with a punk

It’s fair to say that Smackdown had its fair share of drama at Extreme Rules. I’ll do my best to work in what happened, otherwise it just ain’t gonna make sense.

First person to the ring, CM Punk, with the heavyweight belt around his waist. Yes, you are correct. Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract at Extreme Rules. But not against Edge. Against everyone’s favourite Fonzy…..Jeff Hardy. SHOCKER! IT WAS AMAZING! I LOVED IT! Punk turns heel then. Or does he?  He didn’t seem too mean and menacing standing in the ring.  He even said “That doesn’t make a bad guy.” True heels don’t CARE that you think they’re a bad dude. In fact, they WANT you think they’re a bad dude. I’m confused.

Anyway, Punk went on to say that he plans on bringing some dignity back to the belt. But as he spoke some music hit. Can you guess which music it was? Correct. Go on, you know you want to play it.

I kid. But yes, it was Jeff and uh-oh, he ain’t happy. In fact, he’s so furious he didn’t concentrate when he was getting dressed and pulled on some jeans from the 1986 dress-up box.

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They argued the toss about whose fault it was and Jeff demanded his rematch THAT NIGHT. But someone else had something to say. Edge butted in and was made to feel wholly unwelcome by his two colleagues. Well, at least they agree on SOMETHING. Oh, I should say, Punk had an amazing match with Umaga at Extreme Rules which subsequently left Umaga unemployed. Hence the new feuding.

The tustle went on and Edge tried to claim that CM Punk was trying to emulate him. Errrrr, yah, cause they look sooo alike, right? Nope. He claimed that Punk’s Straight Edge lifestyle was named after him….. yeah, sure, a 30-year old lifestyle movement was named after a wrestling character. Whatever gets you through the night, sweetie.

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Edge thinks Punk is crushing on him, Jeff wants Punk to be crushing on him, Jeff hates Edge but Punk's really crushing on John Morrison. (Not in the triangle.)

Jeff ran out of patience, eliminated Edge but shoving him out of the ring, put the Twist of Fate and then a Swanton Bomb on Punk and hollered at the crowd from the top rope.

But wait, the situation still isn’t resolved. Teddy Long came out to announce that Jeff and Edge would have to fight that night in a number one contender match. Whoever won would face Punk on Raw on Monday. Yes you read right. Raw. Seems they got bored with the brand separation pretty quickly and are mixing things up in a 3-hour Raw tomorrow.  They had a PPV 8 days previous and now they’re having a free PPV style show where Raw should be. *shrugs shoulders*

Having just left the ramp, Teddy Long made his way back to his office to find Chris Jericho looking a little too comfortable in his leather armchair. I swear, he was a cigar, a scotch-on-the-rocks and a fluffy white pussycat away from being a bond villain, just, more naked.

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Jericho was feeling left out so Teddy gave him a match against Punk for that night. Yum!

Dolph Ziggler took Khali on AGAIN. Getting bored with this. Doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Although, I’m pleased to report that after last week’s observation that Ziggler spreads too much goose fat over his chest, he seemed considerably less greasy this week. A triumph. Now, if he would just let me take the clippers to his horrible hair and ditch the camp leather waistcoat we may be getting somewhere.

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Ziggler was under the cosh so he grabbed Khali’s interpreter dude by the mutton chops and roughed him up a bit. Khali came to save him and got counted out, giving Ziggler the win.

Next up, a womens match. Michelle McCool and Layla (accompanied by A.Fox) v Melina and Eve. Michelle’s hair looked so cool. Come on, hair. Get BLONDER! Maybe I should try getting out in the sunshine instead of staying hauled up in front of a computer all day. Well, it’s up to you, I can either write stuff to make you happy or have blonde hair. The decision is yours.

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Layla and Eve were fine, but when Melina and Michelle were in the ring together it was AWESOME. Pleaaaaase give them a big  PPV match. They’re so good.

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Best move of all was when Michelle managed to counter a Melina move, dragged her off her back, pull her over the top of her shoulders and shimmied her down the front to put the Faith Breaker on her. I bloody love that Faith Breaker. Every time Michelle does it I swear her victim’s face will have turned concave, and yet they come out just as pretty as they went in. Mwah!

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PS> Please start selling Alicia’s t-shirt in the shopzone. Ta.

From female tag-teams to male couples, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas v John Morrison and R-Truth. I’m just starting to realise that Shelton Benjamin is actually pretty buff. I think maybe the lightbulb on his head was distracting me from what was going on from the neck down. Nice work, m’friend.

Another brilliant match from these guys. R-Truth spinning Benjamin around by his feet and suspended from his neck was amazing. One of the things I love about Smackdown is that even the nothing matches, where nothing is on the line but pride, are a joy to watch. Ok, maybe not Ziggler and Khali….. but the rest. Morrison pinned Haas for the win and gave me my Man-Hug Moment of the week. Interesting that Morrison is often one half of a Man-Hug. I think he misses The Miz. He just wants a new BFF.

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At Extreme Rules Jericho beat Rey Mysterio and unmasked him as promised. Mysterio left the arena before anyone could really see him. On Smackdown he walked out carrying that same mask and held it up like that famous scene from Hamlet, where Hamlet finds the grave of his old pal Yorick, holds up his skull and remembers him fondly.

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But wait,  Jericho kind of despises Mysterio so that analogy doesn’t work. Fugetaboutit! The match was alright. Pretty good, but it didn’t really count for anything. And it was old heel vs new heel. They still cheered for Punk when he stuck the GTS on Jericho and took the match. See? It doesn’t work yet. Make him be really evil. Randy Orton evil. Now THAT would be sweet!

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Final match of the night was Jeff Hardy and Edge for that number one contenders spot. You know, considering they had survived an epic ladders match just 48 hours earlier, they did brilliantly. Seriously, they must have had a few tasty bumps and bruises from that match. CM Punk was at the commentary table and chipped in at regular intervals.

Jeff had Edge all lined up for the cover but he made the school-boy error or standing on the ropes for some crowd adoration and gave Edge the opportunity to sneak out of the ring while he was soaking up the love. Jeff came after him but Edge managed to grab him and chuck him at Punk, who was comfortably swinging from side-to-side in his swivel chair. Furious at having his swivel fun interrupted, Punk ran at Edge in the ring and the bell was tolled for the end of the match. All three punched it out for a couple of minutes but nobody knew who the number one contender actually was. Teddy?

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Tiffany, yes, she of ECW fame, announced Christian vs Dreamer for Monday night, and Teddy announced a triple threat between Edge, Jeff and Punk. I am more excited about this special Raw than I am for most PPVs. I think there’s gonna be a few surprises. Keeeep watchiiing!

raw(lite): hubcaps for frisbees

It’s 2am on a Tuesday morning. What was I doing? Pretending to sleep. What was Birmingham, Alabama doing? Cheering at Monday Night Raw. Randy Orton is in the ring, his foot-soldiers are firmly by his side and the steel cage has been lowered around the ring. Let’s get cracking.

The tormentor of Mexican reporters everywhere explained once again how he planned on dealing with big Dave Batista at Extreme Rules. Tactics will include grinding Dave’s face against the metal (ouch), slamming the cage door in to his face (yaaawch) and running him face first, no, HEAD first in to every side of the cage over, and over and over again. Say over-and-over again for me, Randy.

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Randy went on to inform us, and Dave, that he’d arranged with Vickie Guerrero that there would be  a steel cage match that night. He flipped a coin to decide whether Batista had to face Cody or Ted. Cody’s up. Despite looking terrified at first, he remembered he had to live up to his daddy’s cage match reputation and sucked up his angst.  Randy verbally patted him on the head and told him everything was going to be ok. Then he gave us a demonstration on how to walk through a door. Where has this man BEEN all my life?  He began wrapping up the promo but just as he raised the belt in to the air, someone decided they had something to say.

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Yes, there were 13 WOOOOOs and 15 PUNKs in Ric Flair’s response to Randy’s promo. I counted. Randy reminded Ric that he was retired and was not legally permitted to take part in any in-ring fight or his pension fund may be jeopardised. But Ric didn’t want any old in-ring wrestling match. Oh noes, he wanted a car park brawl. (That’s a ‘Parking Lot Brawl’ for any Americans reading). Randy accepted and warned Ric that his days were numbered.  Cody, you’re up, buddy!

The personnel dispersed and Dave Batista joined little Cody in the ring. Cody clung to the turnbuckle as The (caged) Animal smirked right in his face. Being half Dave’s size, Cody Rhodes was struggling. Randy came out cage-side to see if he could put a little pep in Cody’s step, but even his posturing, grimacing and general clawing at the steel couldn’t save his little puppy. Naaaw! Bless.

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Time for something really silly over in Vickie’s office. Big Show was bleating to Chavo and Vickie about the fact that he’d been paired up with chief prick, The Miz, against John Cena and a currently unnamed partner. They convinced him that all would be well and decided it would be a good time to draw a name from a pair of velvet wrestle trunks to see who John’s partner would be. By some amazing fluke, the name drawn was Chavo Guerrero. Wow! Whodda thunk it?

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By the way, has anyone noticed Vickie’s fabulous taste in aesthetics? There’s nothing like a Van Gogh street scene and black leather seating to give that sophisticated air of….oh, I dunno….. dentist’s waiting room.

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From one lady to another, Kelly-Kelly bounced her way to the ring and this dude made a proposal with his fan-sign.

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Thank God he chose to paint an engagement ring and not a different kind of ring, or Linda McMahon might have had to explain away another awkward mess.  By the way, man, nice penmanship and all, but I don’t fancy your chances. I mean, LOOK at her!!! Mickie James joined Kelly in the ring and she was closely followed by their opponents, Beth Phoenix and Maryse. Rosa Mendes floated around in some leather trousers so she could distract the ref at an opportune moment. It was all over disappointingly quickly and ended with Maryse sticking a DDT on Kelly, pinning her for the win. Look at Rosa. Remember when you were in high school and there was always a pipsqueak girl who wanted to be in your group of friends, despite the fact that everyone left her out of everything in the hope she’d just go away? Rosa is that girl.

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Next up, Carlito and Primo were taking on Matt Hardy and William Regal for the tag-team belts. YAAAAWN. Matt used his arm cast to try and take out Carlito but slipped and whacked his own partner instead. Own-goal, I believe. Regal dropped and Carlito capitalised with a pin to keep hold of the belts.

This was spotted…………….

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and the camera moved back to the ring post haste. Ssshhh, if we don’t about him everyone will just forget.

For the third week running Ric Flair, who was pacing up and down the car park looking for hubcaps to frisbee at Orton’s head, had a verbal altercation with his fave beefcake, Batista. Ric explained how much he missed being the Nature Boy (I’ll be taking about that all serious-like in a near future post) and told Dave if he called him ‘The Man’ once more he’d vomit. Now THAT would be a show. Go on, Dave. Say it! After an emotive speech, Ric managed to convince Dave that brawling with a man half his age was totally do-able and asked him not to be a hero and rescue him from the evil clutches of Randy Orton. Gotta be honest, I wouldn’t want anyone to rescue me from the grope grip of Randy Orton either.

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It’s been a while since we’ve seen a Man-Hug moment. The boys have been reather un-huggy of late, so huge thanks to Dave and Ric for enabling  me to resurrect this bit.

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Back over in Vickie’s sophisticated office Regal and Matt Hardy informed her that they have arranged a match between her and SantinO Marella for that night. Vickie went all mentalist and started yelling in Spanish, which she only does when she’s REALLY freakin’ out. But it was ok, the guys had a plan to make it work, which Matt whispered in Vickie’s ear. She seemed whole-heartedly on board.

Finally back in the ring and it’s time for The Miz to do his annoying pre-match gamble about how he’s what, like, 347-0 against John Cena or something? He informed us that John’s supposed penchant for corporate selling-out put him in the same category as Spongebob, The Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana. Ok, so Spongebob is silly and The Jonas Brothers are far too miserable looking to be pop stars, but what’s wrong with Miley? To quote Britney, and God knows I never thought I’d say THAT, she’s NOT.THAT. INN-O-CE-ENT! Do a Google image search for Miley Cyrus. You’ll see what I mean.

And look, she’s a wrestling fan too…….

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I have no words.

Let’s try and forget that image and talk about the match….. It was fine. You know. Not blow your brains out brilliant, not absolutely awful either. John was not looking too healthy and The Miz wanted him, not LITERALLY, I mean he wanted the pinfall himself. But Big Show wanted in too and tried to persuade The Miz to tag him back in. But it was no dice, and when The Miz turned to go and throw himself at JC, Big Show swung his ginormous fist at The Miz to clear the way.

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With The Miz out cold Chavo leaped in to the ring and pinned him for the win. The crowd went nuts for Chavo who, in his role as Vickie’s sycophantic nephew, doesn’t get much of a chance at big-time matches these days.

John was none too pleased that Chavo had stolen his pin and slammed him in to the mat. There was a further tussle between John and BS which left John unconscious too. When does this Big Show/John Cena storyline end again? Whenever it is, make it snappy! PLEASE!

Fresh from the senior prom, MVP was preparing to face Kofi Kingston to hold on to the United States Championship. It began with a polite meeting of the mutual appreciation society, but soon dissolved in to a slanging match and then an AWESOME wrestling match.

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I wasn’t sure where it was all going at first. I was wondering why everyone on the interwebz were so excited by it when I got up on Tuesday morning. The crowd were seated and silent. But as it progressed it really did turn out to be fantastic.

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Yep, we have a new United States champion.  Congratulations, sir. I feel like I want to reward Kofi with something. Because, you know, winning the match, the belt and the title just isn’t enough. He doesn’t fall in to my swoon worthy gentlemen category, but what the hell…………….

Play it and do some chair dancing for the remainder of this post. Wind ya waaaist, people.

From a great match to a great mess. William Regal and Matt Hardy’s evil plan to take out Santino Marella was about to come to fruition. I won’t bore you with the details. It was physically and emotionally painful to watch. Who knows what complete and utter tripe they’ll churn out at the PPV tomorrow night. Just know that the match ended like this.

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Looks like Batista defied Flair one more time and called him ‘The Man’ again. Well, Ric DID promise he’d vomit if he did it again. Speaking of Flair, his Fight to the Finish was about to kick off in the car park. (See what I did there?)

Ok, so it started with a game of Hide & Seek. Off screen, Randy had already stood in the corner with his eyes covered and counted to 100.  Ric had scuttled off to hide.

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Anyway, let’s be honest, the fight didn’t set me on fire. We all know Ric Flair isn’t supposed to be doing this stuff. But I would like to thank him for ripping the chest area of Randy’s shirt open. It made up for the nonsense. Wait, is that one of the $45 Top Rope t-shirts? It seemed to rip open awfully easily. I won’t be wasting my money buying one THOSE then . Shoddy products or set-up to rip when Flair touched it? The decision is yours.

And then, because people paid good money to see a main event, they shuffled their way in to the arena. By the time they made it to the ramp, the oldest player in the game was not looking too clever. Randy had full command. The King said “Right now, this is especially difficult to watch.” Not really, Jerry. It’s actually hilarious to watch. Randy finally ripped off the scraps of fabric hanging from his arms and got back to work. But as Flair looked like he was finished for all time, he did a bit of a mule kick and caught Randy in the knackers. Obviously, being a girl, I have no idea how painful this is, but I did grab at my crotch in sympathy. And I have it on good authority that it’s the most painful thing a man can experience. So you have that and we have childbirth.

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Back to the match and Randy’s manhood was still causing him some trouble, giving Ric the opportunity to capitalise.  There seemed to be a lot of blood, but it could have been jam or ketchup or hot chili sauce from when they collapsed in to the refreshments table in the car park.

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Flair put Randy in a figure-4 and the rest of Legacy came to the rescue. They dragged him in to the steel cage which, by some coincidence, had been lowered back over the ring. They were meant to have some fisticuffs in the car park, right?  This was not an official match, right? Ha. It ended up with Ric and Randy locked in the cage with Dave watching on in despair.  Even if he could get in, he made a promise not to be a hero and save him. Poor Dave. He was just trying to protect his pal from some serious geriatric abuse.

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Randy did his “My IED is kicking in now” face and Batista shouted through the barricade that he was going to break Randy in half. If he did break him in half, which half would I want to keep? Tricky. Both are impressive. Oh well, it’s not going to happen anyway.

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Shall we have some Smackdown next, folks?

Smackdown(lite): bromancing on a friday night

After all the chit-chat on last week’s Smackdown, this week we went straight in to a match.  It was John Morrison & CM Punk vs Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin.  Apparently, John personally selected Punk to be his partner. I could recap the match in full, because it was pretty excellent, but a far more interesting development has occurred. No, it has nothing to do with CROTCH WATCH (he wore the black with the fuchsia stars again, by the way). It is the dawning of a new Bromance. Man-hugs and bromantic looks to the max. Look, look, look!

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Oh, I wish CM Punk would wrap his hand around MY hair and whisper sweet nothings in to MY ear. (Middle row, far right)

As I said, it was a great match, which was put to bed my Morrison’s acrobatics on to Haas. Oh and one of my favourite moment was JR calling the instant replay like it was a display of figure skating. He might as well had said  “Watch this… tuck axel, triple salco, double lutz. Beautiful swan-like arms. Innovative. Risk-taking.” Ok, that move is actually called the Starship Pain. But my description sounds prettier.

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Moving on, Chris Jericho, in a repeat of his whining from the week before….and the week before…. umm, anyone else getting a bit bored with this? I love Chris from the depths of my heart and he’s great at what he’s doing, but I’m not digging this persona any more. Anyway, he’s taking Rey Mysterio on at Judgement Day tonight, so they had to do a spot of promotion for their Intercontinental Championship match. There I was, waiting for Rey to pop out from behind the curtain, but hold the phone, he’s sent Edge out in his place.

They both bitched about whose show it was and argued over the apparent timetabling clash. Edge called out Jeff, Chris re-called out Rey, but what we actually got was  Teddy Long to shut their yaps. Apparently the show belongs to US, the WWE Universe.  Yey! But I don’t remember being offered stock options. Vince, call me please.

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Filed under things I pretend to understand but really don't.

Anyway,  what REALLY killed the conversation was Teddy’s announcement that Jericho and Edge had to face each other that night.  Next time an opening for a General Manager opens up, I might submit my CV. Seems like a pretty easy job, coming out at opportune moments and telling hot boys to STFU. Piece o’cake.

Next up, Jeff ‘The Fonz’ Hardy against Ricky ‘Tony Robbins’ Ortiz. Yeah, ok. I’ll go along with it.

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Grisham and Ross made me laugh this week.  When Todd suggested that “Ricky Ortiz  has a laid back, West Coast, persona.” JR bit back with ” I don’t see anything ‘laid back’ about this match. I don’t see him sipping on any lattes!” Because everyone knows that’s what people in California do all day, right? Just sit around outside cafes with their miniature poodles, wearing free designer shades, sipping on non-fat-dry-soy-decaf-lattes…right? Well that’s what The Hills would have us believe anyway. It’s real as long as I believe it’s real DAMMIT!

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Ok, back to the action and out of my Hills dreamworld….. Ortiz did surprisingly well against Jeff but you KNOW Jeff’s not gonna lose to some new pipsqueak. Swanton Bomb for the win. Time for a bit of JD promotion. Josh Matthews jumped under the ropes to ask Jeff a few questions about his plans for Sunday night. I see he hasn’t taken my advice to try some long-lasting foundation. Ok, if you don’t like the Revlon, try Estee Lauder Double-Wear Light Foundation. About three times the price of the Revlon but MUCH stronger and less cakey. And it’s got an SPF too.

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The Jeff Hardy Love-In continued. A cry of “YOU’RE THE GREATEST” came from the crowd, Jeff paused, pointed to the adoring dude in the crowd and said “YOU’RE the greatest!” I swear to GOD, Jeff could kick a puppy and people would STILL cheer for him at the moment. I’m such a sucka for a nice guy.  Fudge the bad boys, you’re always in safe hands with a polite and appreciative young man. He went on to state in no uncertain terms that he plans on being the owner of some waist metal by the end of Sunday. *SWOOOON*

Speaking of swooning, I think I may be developing a girl-crush on Michelle McCool. I kind of want to be her. Actually I’d just settle for her stomach and hair, but the rest would be nice too, if anyone with cosmetic surgery qualifications is reading.

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So Michelle and Alicia Fox took on Gail Kim and Melina. Oh. Right. Melina. She was drafted over how many weeks ago? Bout time they put her to work. Another really good women’s match on Smackdown. Things are definitely looking up. Melina ended it all by jumping on Michelle’s back, flipping herself between her legs and holding her down for the 1, 2, 3. Fantastic.  Take note Raw, Smackdown is way ahead of you.

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I’m not normally in the habit of throwing my support behind redneck Asians (JR’s label, not mine), but if Jimmy Wang Yang wants to linedance all over Dolph Ziggler’s head, hey, I’ll give him a round of applause.  RUBBISH MATCH. Really. Just to rub salt in to an open wound of a match, Ziggler won. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, The Great Khali came out and pulled Ziggler out of the ring. Bleurgh all round. NEEEEEXT.

I think I would have preferred staying with Ziggler and Khali than witness what happened next.

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I have no words. At least, no words I can write without WordPress suspending my account. Let’s try this again and hope for a better result…… NEEEEEEXT! R-Truth and Mike Knox. Again? Well, alright then.  It’s significantly better than the last two segments anyway.  R-Truth made his usual way through the crowd and Knox met him in the ring. Not a terrible match but not great either. At least there was a reversal in the result this week. R-Truth took it with a strange corkscrew move to the head  (but not as nice as John Morrison’s Triple Salco).

Rey Mysterio did a little Spanish promo for his match against Jericho and, because Lawler and Cole got to do it on Raw, JR and Todd Grisham got in the ring to run through all their Judgement Day matches. Ready for some main eventing? Nah, me neither. Can’t say I was really looking forward to the Edge/Jericho match.  It just seemed like an excuse to put them both to work without doing the PPV matches a few days too early. It trundled along fairly smoothly. Nothing out of the ordinary or unexpected. But then bedlam broke out and the whole place erupted. Here’s how it went down…….

Edge was about to make Jericho eat some steel chair when Jeff Hardy came to spoil his party.

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Jeff was about throw himself on to Edge from the top rope, but when Jericho interfered he switched angles and humped on to HIM instead.

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After a brief pause CM PUNK came running out with a referee at his side, to try and cash in his Money in the Bank contract for the THIRD week running. AAARGH! I need to catch my breath….. hold on…….mmm ahhhhh mmmm ahhhh mmm ahhhh. Ok I can breathe now.

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Just as Punk got in the ring Umaga appeared and tried to foil his third cash-in, but Punk whacked him over the noggin with the briefcase and sent him flying. Just to make sure he really HAD knocked Umaga out, CM Punk leaped from the ropes and landed on the chunky one. He vented his frustration by shouting loudly.sdjdpr4

Back in the ring, Jeff and just thrown himself at Edge, has knocked him towards the announce table and has pushed him in to the crowd.

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In another part of the crowd, Umaga has found his feet and is pummelling Punk in to a pulp. A small girl touches Umaga and seems shocked that his skin in sweaty.

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Hold up, where’s Jericho? Oh there he is, slinking up the ramp. Rey Mysterio doesn’t let him get off so lightly and attacks him from behind.

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All three matches continue as Smackdown goes off the air, and I make an attempt at recovering from my first decent Wrestlegasm in WEEKS. Bring on the Judgement.

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE SHOW

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I know I chose a child in last week’s Smackdown recap, but they generally have the most honest reactions. This one says “Daddy, who the hell is this man and why are his eyeballs so large?” I also like that he’s wearing a John Cena shirt.