smackdown(lite): plaid, cupcakes and champagne

I won’t lie to you, last Friday’s Smackdown was a little lacklustre. It was inevitable really. For what must be the first time ever, Smackdown reigned supreme at a PPV. I imagine all the SD folks downed a few martinis and threw lots of smug looks across the dancefloor at the Raw roster. All apart from CM Punk that is, who had a mango mocktail. One of the nice things about not affiliating myself with one particular brand is that I can jump ship when one goes bad and make babies with the other when it gets all seductive. From now on this will be referred to as Brand Whoring. So, Smackdown, despite not fully lighting my fire this week, I forgive you. Just for the time being. I’ll probably swing back the other way at some point. I’m fickle like that.

Making babies with Smackdown

Making babies with Smackdown

Anyway, rather than try to give you a detailed recap, I think I’ll just speak about some of the more obscure things I noticed this week. My mind wanders. A LOT.

So, we got started with Edge, wearing an awesome plaid shirt. For real, I LOVE them.

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For a couple of years now I’ve been searching for the perfect plaid shirt. Not as easy as it sounds. Stretch-less cotton, buttons, more than my fair share of breastage, a busy pattern…. it’s a nightmare. When I eventually find one that fits without exposing my undergarments I may laminate it and put it in a cabinet for prosperity. Wait, that would defeat the purpose of the search. I digress. This is how not to wear plaid…….

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Teddy bitched at Edge for his illegal win against Jeff Hardy at Judgment Day. Edge retaliated but then the Pied Piper of Wrestle World, Jeff Hardy came out and bit back. He pulled out the old ‘say-the-name-of-the-town-you’re-in’ trick and whipped the crowd in to a frenzy. When he took a poll of the audience to see if they wanted to see him fight Edge that night (DUH! OF COURSE) they all dutifully replied. Either with YEAH of HELL YEAH. I’d have have loved if someone with a little quick wit had come out with something like this………………………

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Next up, Cryme Tyme (OMG they’re actually going to wrestle) teamed up with John Morrison to take on Ricky Ortiz, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas.  Ortiz was referred to as the Richard Simmons of the WWE for his motivational speaking skills. I would like to make a pact with the commentary team…. YOU never mention Richard Simmons again, and I promise to always say nice things about Todd Grisham. The mere mention of that man makes me want to vomit. He gives me night terrors. Simmons, not Grisham.

Josh Matthews interviewed Melina about the number one contender match between my number one girl-crush, Michelle McCool, and my favourite Cool Asian, Gail Kim. Alicia Fox came to deliver a message from Michelle, called her ‘cupcake’, and then all I could think about was this……

A cupcake, not Melina. I want cake about 80% of the time.

A cupcake, not Melina. I want cake about 80% of the time.

Also, I was pretty sure Melina was going to plant a Glasgow Kiss on Alicia, but she just went with a regulation bitch-slap instead. At least she didn’t follow Maryse’s lead and blast her fro with Glow by J-Lo or something. SIDENOTE: I thought about Michelle McCool when I was doing sit-ups in the gym tonight. I figure I probably worked 50% harder thanks to her. Or rather, my embarrassment at NOT looking like her spurred me on. On to the match…….

Pretty good, actually, even on a lacklustre show. Ah, that would be because there was NO women’s match at JD. They were a little fresher than the guys. Michelle pinned Gail for a shot at Melina’s belt.

That's what I look like when I close my eyes.

That's what I look like when I close my eyes.

Moving on swiftly, JR interviewed Rey Mysterio from afar. What, they couldn’t put them in the same room? I REALLY wanted to take the mick out this, but I can’t. Rey Mysterio is too sweet to make fun of, so he gets a really thick sarcasm immunity shield. And anyone who makes the dreams of small children come true kind of has a piece of my heart without even asking. I won’t recap the whole interview, but if you’ve ever wondered why Rey wrestles in a mask, it’s your lucky day. Reasons include:

  1. hiding hideous scales on face  (aww, don’t be so hard on yourself, nothing a little exfoliation couldn’t clear up.)
  2. tipping the nod to heritage. it’s all about the roots, babeh.
  3. symbol of hard graft.
  4. it looks cool.
  5. it gives super powers.
  6. not Rey Mysterio without it.

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Thinking about buying a mask now. The sales pitch worked. My mask-less face is SOOOO uncool.

Back in the ring CM Punk is up against Chris Jericho. In CROTCH WATCH news, Punk was wearing the same trunks he wore at Judgment Day – the dusky blue with tangerine coloured Chicagoan stars.

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Umm, Phillip, I hope you washed those….wearing them twice in THREE days and all. I told you to leave your laundry in the basket by the washing machine so I could do it for you while you were training at the gym.  I did promise I wouldn’t put them on the hot cycle and shrink them again. Your suggestion that I purposely made them two sizes tighter is an outrageous accusation. I only meant to make them ONE size tighter.

The match wasn’t awesome but it was pretty solid. Hey, you know what I was wondering this week?  I was wondering if Punk refuses to let anyone place alcohol in his house. I mean, if he had a girlfriend who drank, would he object if I she left a bottle of champagne or two in his fridge? Would that be a deal breaker? Would prospective girlfriends have to quit drinking to pass his love test? Just wondering. See? TOLD you my mind wanders.

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Not my real fridge. I just wish it was.

The match ended with the arrival of Umaga who, in the words of JR, began “lashing Punk like an animal.” SO. MANY. DIRTY. JOKES. MUST. RESIST…… at least until Extreme Rules has actually taken place. By the way, while he was away nursing his injury (whatever it was) Umaga was sent to to finishing school and has been given some elocution lessons. He speaks now. Who knew? It’s soooo My Fair Lady. I can totally see Professor Higgins playing up to Umaga’s Eliza Dolittle.

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I skipped R-Truth v Dolph Ziggler, so you’ll have to find out what happened there elsewhere. If you actually care about that match, you’re probably on the wrong website. On to Edge v Jeff Hardy. Again. But with a twist. The winner gets to choose the stipulation for the Extreme Rules PPV in three weeks. The match itself was fine and was won by Jeff.  Can you guess which stip he chose? You want a clue? Alright……

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Actually, that sounds AWESOME. I loves me some ladder.

Now, I’m off to consider whether I can bring myself to recap last night’s Raw without punching my fist through a wall in frustration, and to ponder whether I should write the public love letter to Randy Orton I’ve been mulling over for the past couple of weeks. Tough call. I’m going to have to sleep on it. Night-night!

raw(lite): mojo restoration

Much as I enjoy PPVs, they’re harder to write about than Raw and Smackdown. They don’t have the snappy structure of a weekly show. So I’m quite pleased to be back with Raw for this recap.

We got going with Randy Orton crowing over the fact that he was still WWE champion. Oh My God. I think he’s getting sexier by the week. And I can’t even figure out why I love him so much ’cause I’m usually a cheerleader for nice boys you can take home to your mummy. When he was  walking the halls before coming out for the final match of the night, I involuntarily bit my bottom lip. A true marker or hawtness. I’ll treat you to that picture laterz. Back in the ring his speech turned to Ric Flair. Oh no. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t going to end well? Randy dared Ric to get in to his business again. Oh, you KNOW what’s coming.

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Ric verbally slapped Randy down for trying to get himself disqualified at Judgment Day and suggested that, just because he still had the bling swinging over his shoulder, he wasn’t the big man he pretended to be. Ric also suggested that Dave Batista was the great beakout star of Evolution and NOT Randy. Apparently Dave Zoom-Zoooooomed past Randy and left him eating dust. Errrr, yah, don’t THINK SO, Ric.

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I’m not happy about Ric Flair being back after such a lavish farewell. But if all he wants to do is some kind of BFF thing with Batista, maybe I can live with it. No fighting, just talking. He went on to tell us that he’s arranged with Vickie G. that Randy and Dave will fight in a steel cage at the Extreme Rules in three weeks. (Aright? Aright?) Randy decided he want to give carrier pigeon Flair a message to take back to Batista and planted his fist on his chin.

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Randy’s two henchmen casually made their way to join in the beating but then Dave appeared from behind their backs and started a scrap of his own.  Everything was going as expected and I was waiting on Vickie to put a cap on the carnage with an EXCUUUUSE MEEEEY! But the crowd screamed in a way the Vickster can only dream of.  They holla’d for whom? Joooooohn Ceeeeeeena. YAAAAY! Well, looks like John might be getting his wish to work with Randy after all.

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Ummm, by the way King, it’s CAV-A-LRY…..’ Calvary’ is the supposed site of the crucifixion. M.Cole made the same mistake later on too.

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Backstage Josh Matthews, who always seems to be lurking in dark shadows waiting to pounce, jumped out on Cena to ask why he intervened.  It was all about restoring pride, or something, I dunno. I wasn’t paying attention to his words. All I could think about was that it was like someone had restored John’s missing mojo. Like Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me. I know what you’re thinking. Yes. You’re right. It WAS me who had that restorative honour.  Oh, and Vickie then announced a match between Legacy and Cena/Batista for the end of the show. Fabulous!

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It was my pleasure entirely.

Shimmying back to the ring, we’re about to be delighted with a Diva’s Battle Royal for a shot at the Diva’s Championship. We had Rosa Mendes, The Bella Twins, Jillian, Kelly-Kelly, Mickie James and Beth Phoenix all scrapping for shot at Maryse.  Oh and Maryse was annoying as ever at the announce table.

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Rosa, The Twins and Jillian went out first. Unsurprising. That just left Kelly with Beth and Mickie so we figure Kelly’s going over the ropes next, right? Wrong. Beth was about to javelin throw Kelly through the ropes but she managed to get out of the hold, got back to her feet and kicked Beth through the ropes. SHOCKER! Beth, in her fury, tried to pull Kelly out of the ring AFTER she’d been eliminated. While this tustle was going on Maryse left her commentary post and hopped over to Mickie James, spraying her in the face with some kind of mist.

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What was it?

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Did they really have to make Maryse spray her with hairspray or Evian in a can or whatever it was? Urgh! Oh well. Mickie rolled around in agony after taking some Elnett to the eye. I’ve accidentally done that to myself before. Quite painful, but it keeps the eyelashes in place. Mickie rolled herself out of the ring leaving Kelly-Kelly victorious. What? Kelly getting a push? Noes Ways. I’ll believe it when I see it. I can’t tell if she was really worried about Mickie, really happy or REALLY terrified of Maryse. We shall how it plays out tomorrow.

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Next up, Santino v Chavo. You mean Santino’s wrestling a match? As himself? Not as his pseudo-sister? It all seemed to be passing off without much drama and I thought maybe this was the end of SantinA.  Santino Marella pinned Chavo and a shocked looking Santino began making his way up the ramp.  But wait, SantinA ain’t dead. DAMN! Chavo made a match between SantinA and…..wait for it…..Vickie Guerrero. Uh-oh. Tía Vickie ain’t gonna be pleased with you, Chavo.

Moving on, you know what I love? The WWE statistics they like to flash up during the shows. So what do we have this week?

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Umm. When you start bragging about choke-slamming Tigger, you’ve plummeted to a new low.

After trip in to my own private hell……………….

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Josh Matthews’ guest at this time was Matt Hardy. He waffled about the fact that he interfered with Jeff’s JD match to make him pay for breaking his second metacarpals. Yada-yada-yada.  When then jump over to Vickie’s office and, oh, I was right. Vickie – she maaaad! And so is Randy Orton. He’s none too pleased about his steel cage match at Extreme Rules.

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This was followed by Carlito and Primo v The Brian Kendrick and Goldust. Primo pinned Kendrick, who spent his time bitching at Goldust for apparently being a sub-standard tag partner. Hornswoggle appeared and both he and Goldust attacked Kendrick. Ridiculous.

The Miz is up next and it seems that he’s taking his one-sided feud with John Cena to a new level.

John’s thuganomics music started playing and he began doing some horrible, old-skool-John rapping. Like when he used to do this kind of stuff…..

John didn’t respond and The Miz declared himself 5 and 0 against him. Someone else, however, had something to say about this. Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler had had quite enough of this delusion and tried to expose the flaws in The Miz’s theories through practical demonstration.

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It was looking like The King had persuaded The Miz to go and see Vickie for a real match against John when the Big Show decided to join in and let everyone know that he wasn’t done with John Cena himself. The Miz, looking a little overwhelmed by Big Show’s stature, ran out the ring and threw Jerry Lawler  at the Big Show like a human sheild. There was no easy way to end the segment, so Big Show put a sleeper on Lawler.

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Lawler’s warm seat next to Michael Cole  was taken up by JR who, you know, just happened to be hanging around behind the pyro, and they did their ‘sad times’ faces for King.  Matt Hardy and M.V.P fought in a nothing match where Montel won.

We then went to the locker room, where Dave was preparing for the big finale with Ric Flair at his side. They had an uncomfortable conversation that felt a little bit like art imitating life. Did I just call the WWE art? The really telling line was “Just ’cause I’m retired, doesn’t mean I can’t fight.” Umm, yeah, that’s exactly what it means. That’s like saying just because I’m allergic to kiwi fruit, doesn’t mean I can’t eat one.  Dave delicately tried to point out that Ric’s fighting services wouldn’t be needed, which went down like a lead balloon, and Ric refused to hold Dave’s hand as he walked to the ring.

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Next up, SantinA and Vickie fought for the Miss Wrestlemania crown. There was muc chatter, SantinA kissed Vickie, made more pig references, Chavo made it a no DQ match, he interfered, got thrown over the top rope, William Regal ran in, floored SantinA and left Vickie to pin SantinA for the crown.

I need something to bring me back to life. Something to resuscitate me, please?

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THE lip-biting moment. *SIGH*

Very…..awakening. I don’t know if it was because this week’s Raw was so low on decent matches or if the finale really was very good, but it was a GREAT match. Loads of high energy and piles of tagging in and out of the ring.  Just as I was thinking how great it was that John Cena had an opponent that made him shine, Big Show appeared and lured him up the ramp. Batista was left on his own with Legacy. Or was he? All of a sudden Ric Flair flipped Cody Rhodes in to the ring, giving Batista the opportunity to pin Randy for the win. They did some shifty camera work so we wouldn’t quite see what was really going on til the replay. Sneaky things.

Judgment Day: Stars, Straps and Tantrums

Alrighty, I know this is pretty late. But some stuff’s been going on this week.  I’m sure you don’t want to hear my tales of woe, so I’ll move on. Much as I was tempted to skip recapping this PPV,  I don’t really want to leave any storyline gaps, so here I am.  And it’s not like I gave you nothing this week. I did present my much promised opinions on the Women’s Division. Hopefully by the end of this holiday weekend, I will be all caught up and will have redeemed myself with the regular readers.

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By now, even if you didn’t watch Judgment Day, you’ve probably found out that it wasn’t the most spectacular PPV to ever demand £14.95. But there were a few bright spots.

MATCH ONE: CM Punk v Umaga (Winner)

The hometown boy took on Umaga in a match of revenge. Poor Punk. He leads a clean-living life, plays by the rules, doesn’t cause Mr. M any mischief, and this is the best they would give him.  Come to Ray, sweets. I’ll give you a consolatory squeezy-hug. And look, he went to the trouble of having some new trunks made for his homecoming too. Dusky blue with orange stars. The stars of the Chicago flag, apparently. You learn something new every day.

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BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Punk jumped over the top rope and splashed Umaga over the mats. I LOOOOVE when he does the jumping stuffs.

By the way, what is WRONG with this girl?

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Doesn’t she KNOW that corner spot in the best position in the whole arena? When CM Punk was writhing in pain all over her corner, it appeared it was all she could do to stop herself from screaming “EEWWWW. Boy-Juice! Get offa me!” Silly girl. TOUCH HIM! PAT HIM ON THE BACK! At least whisper some sweet words of encouragement in this ear.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Umaga kicked Punk in to the turnbuckle and smooshed his pretty face with his giant rump. Bad. Painful. And too much Umag-ass. Safe to say he will never be the subject of CROTCH WATCH.  Yeuch!

SIDENOTE: When Todd Grisham thanked all the people watching around the world “….and those in the United Kingdom on Sky Box Office.” I may have thrown my arms in the air, whooped and shouted “THAT’S ME”. Yes, you are correct. I am a loser.

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MATCH TWO: Jack Swagger v Christian (Winner) – ECW Championship

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Christian undressed Swagger at the end of the match. At first I thought it was just wrestling getting even more homo -erotic than it usually is. Especially after Jack Swagger  “grabbed a handful of Christian’s tights.” But no, apparently it’s considered bad form in the collegiate league to compete with your straps down. Hmm. I never knew that. This PPV may not have been all that memorable, but it was certainly educational.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

There wasn’t one. I LOVED this match. LOOOOOVED!

SIDENOTE:  I know Josh Matthews gets a lot of shit for not being the best commentator, but  I like him. It’s kind of nice to see younger guys having a crack of the commentary whip. And I only just noticed that ECW has the best looking announce team across all three brands.

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You’d think I might have noticed that sooner. I mean, look at the competition. My favourite commentary line of this match came from Matt Striker when he said “Look, anyone that’s ever had a bad back in the morning can imagine what it must feel like to have a 6ft 6″ All-American bearing down on you.” Ya know, I’ve never given it much thought before, but now that I have the visual, I kinda like it.

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Nice to see some of the Chicago Bears in the crowd, although, Greg Olsen looked like he couldn’t wait to get home.

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I gots mad love for football (Go Ravens) and hockey (Go Predators)but I struggle with basketball (HATE the thuggery) and baseball (don’t understand it), so this has been an annoying week for me with the whole Denver Nuggets debacle. I’m dreading Next week’s Raw and Smackdown. It’ll be crammed full of cheap jokes. I’ll come back to baseball later. On with JD. ======================================================

MATCH THREE: Shelton Benjamin accompaniedby Charlie Haas v John Morrison (Winner)

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When John Morrison kicked, punched, swung around and swept the legs of Benjamin. It. Was. AWESOME. And so was his finishing move.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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Any moment involving Charlie Haas. There was no reason for him to be there other than to be Benjamin’s personal cheerleader. No women’s match but Haas gets an airing? Poor show, WWE. Poor show indeed.

SIDENOTE:  I think I’m finally getting why Morrison is so revered. Not the sexy shamen stuff, but he is a little bit awesome. And he’s A POET. WOW! Maybe we should get him in the ring with Jeff Hardy for a poetry battle. Like Eminem in 8 Mile, but more cultured.

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I was waiting for the next match when The Miz made an appearance. NOOOOOO! Don’t subject me to this. PLEEEASE. Hold up, is this the first Raw appearance so far? Whoa. Anyway, he dissed Cena….again. And dissed the crowd…..again. Then he ripped the piss outta Chicago….. ’cause there’s no better way to make someone hate your guts than to talk trash about their home town. He then went to on to challenge and throw verbal crap at Alfonso Soriano who, apparently, plays for the Chicago Cubs. I don’t know ANYTHING about baseball, but he seems like a friendly guy. Poor thing. He looked a little heartbroken. At least he smiled. Take note Greg Olsen.

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Michael Cole got it spot on for the next arrival to the ring. Some Italian whaling hit and “You never thought you’d be pleased to see Santino, did ya?” You daaaamn right, baby! Santino did his usual condescending comedy, brought out his bicep guns and a fight ensued. The crowd booed and yayed like it was a pantomime and then Chavo ran in to take out Santino. Huh? Oh, Edge told him earlier in the show that he’d let Vickie down by not defending her honour against Santino’s pig jokes. *sigh*

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MATCH FOUR:  Rey Mysterio (Winner) v Chris Jericho – Intercontinental Championship

Jericho did a promo just before going out in to the ring and used the following words:

Controversy, Conspiracy, Vilified, Chastised, Parasitic, Gelatinous, Tapeworms and Intercontinental. So you know how THAT went. By the way, sweetheart, you know I love you so I feel able to say this – time for a new hair-do. When this starts happening…….

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GO SHORTER! Kiss-kiss!

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Jericho was finally able to drag Mysterio in to the Walls of Jericho and the crowd went nuts. And I thought everyone was waiting for the 619. LOTS of Chris Jericho fans in Chi-town.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

NOTHING. It was the best match of the night. They’re both a couple of grafters so we shouldn’t have expected anything less. Beautiful!

SIDENOTE: I know Rey Mysterio’s always all about the kids, but how sweet was it when he gave that kid his necklace. You can’t buy that kind of excitement.

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My favourite quote from JR was when he said “Chris Jericho has been called many things, including an angry man in a suit!” Yawch! I remember, once, when I had PMS, I was wearing a cardigan, and someone called me an angry girl in a cardigan, and it HURT SO BAAAAAD!

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MATCH FIVE: Randy Orton (Winner) v Dave Batista – WWE Championship

Hold the phone, are we really almost two hours in and this is the first Raw match? Congratulations Smackdown. You just graduated!

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Randy Orton’s IED kicked in and he started throwing the kind of tantrum small children throw in the middle of the supermarket when they want a lollipop but can’t have one. I love when he does that viper thing and starts crawling around on his fists. It’s a little bit sexy.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

Times is hard in the financial sector

Times is hard in the financial sector

It pains me to have to do this, but it was when Ric Flair came out to rescue Dave from a three-pronged attack from Orton, Rhodes and DiBiase. I’m the first to admit that wrestling doesn’t hang in the realms of reality, but seriously, a man in his 60s beating up three men in their 20s? Please don’t insult my intelligence. I know I’m a sucka, but not THAT much of a sucka.

SIDENOTE: Retired is, as retired does. That is all.

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MATCH SIX: John Cena (Winner) v Big Show

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When John lifted Big Show on his shoulders. I know he’s done it before, but it makes me feel all warm inside when he does his extraordinary displays of brute strengh.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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Pretty much everything else. It was painful. Horrible, horrible and, oh yeah, horrible.

SIDENOTE: Why why why did they make us watch this match? Big Show can’t hang with John. They’re bad for each other. This whole feud is ridiculous and pointless. Hey, you, yeah you, Lawler, you know before the match when you said “this is the one I’VE been waiting for.” You’re an effing liar!

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MATCH SIX: Jeff Hardy v Edge (Winner) – Heavyweight Championship

BEST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Edge took a groin to the face, tried to slam Jeff down but was countered when Jeff slipped over Edge’s head and flipped him over the other way. It was a wicked move.

WORST MOMENT OF THE MATCH

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When Matt Hardy ran in from the crowd and knocked Jeff over, losing him the match………L.A.M.E

SIDENOTE: Something didn’t work heree and I think it’s because they didn’t build the feud for long enough. I can’t bear when they’ve only got three weeks between PPVs. It’s almost as if they’re afraid of building stories that don’t lead up to Wrestlemania or Summerslam or Survivor Series. I’m lucky. Because of the ungodly start times, some of my PPVs are free.  For people who have to pay for every one, they’re running too often. So everyone loses.

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Smackdown(lite): bromancing on a friday night

After all the chit-chat on last week’s Smackdown, this week we went straight in to a match.  It was John Morrison & CM Punk vs Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin.  Apparently, John personally selected Punk to be his partner. I could recap the match in full, because it was pretty excellent, but a far more interesting development has occurred. No, it has nothing to do with CROTCH WATCH (he wore the black with the fuchsia stars again, by the way). It is the dawning of a new Bromance. Man-hugs and bromantic looks to the max. Look, look, look!

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Oh, I wish CM Punk would wrap his hand around MY hair and whisper sweet nothings in to MY ear. (Middle row, far right)

As I said, it was a great match, which was put to bed my Morrison’s acrobatics on to Haas. Oh and one of my favourite moment was JR calling the instant replay like it was a display of figure skating. He might as well had said  “Watch this… tuck axel, triple salco, double lutz. Beautiful swan-like arms. Innovative. Risk-taking.” Ok, that move is actually called the Starship Pain. But my description sounds prettier.

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Moving on, Chris Jericho, in a repeat of his whining from the week before….and the week before…. umm, anyone else getting a bit bored with this? I love Chris from the depths of my heart and he’s great at what he’s doing, but I’m not digging this persona any more. Anyway, he’s taking Rey Mysterio on at Judgement Day tonight, so they had to do a spot of promotion for their Intercontinental Championship match. There I was, waiting for Rey to pop out from behind the curtain, but hold the phone, he’s sent Edge out in his place.

They both bitched about whose show it was and argued over the apparent timetabling clash. Edge called out Jeff, Chris re-called out Rey, but what we actually got was  Teddy Long to shut their yaps. Apparently the show belongs to US, the WWE Universe.  Yey! But I don’t remember being offered stock options. Vince, call me please.

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Filed under things I pretend to understand but really don't.

Anyway,  what REALLY killed the conversation was Teddy’s announcement that Jericho and Edge had to face each other that night.  Next time an opening for a General Manager opens up, I might submit my CV. Seems like a pretty easy job, coming out at opportune moments and telling hot boys to STFU. Piece o’cake.

Next up, Jeff ‘The Fonz’ Hardy against Ricky ‘Tony Robbins’ Ortiz. Yeah, ok. I’ll go along with it.

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Grisham and Ross made me laugh this week.  When Todd suggested that “Ricky Ortiz  has a laid back, West Coast, persona.” JR bit back with ” I don’t see anything ‘laid back’ about this match. I don’t see him sipping on any lattes!” Because everyone knows that’s what people in California do all day, right? Just sit around outside cafes with their miniature poodles, wearing free designer shades, sipping on non-fat-dry-soy-decaf-lattes…right? Well that’s what The Hills would have us believe anyway. It’s real as long as I believe it’s real DAMMIT!

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Ok, back to the action and out of my Hills dreamworld….. Ortiz did surprisingly well against Jeff but you KNOW Jeff’s not gonna lose to some new pipsqueak. Swanton Bomb for the win. Time for a bit of JD promotion. Josh Matthews jumped under the ropes to ask Jeff a few questions about his plans for Sunday night. I see he hasn’t taken my advice to try some long-lasting foundation. Ok, if you don’t like the Revlon, try Estee Lauder Double-Wear Light Foundation. About three times the price of the Revlon but MUCH stronger and less cakey. And it’s got an SPF too.

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The Jeff Hardy Love-In continued. A cry of “YOU’RE THE GREATEST” came from the crowd, Jeff paused, pointed to the adoring dude in the crowd and said “YOU’RE the greatest!” I swear to GOD, Jeff could kick a puppy and people would STILL cheer for him at the moment. I’m such a sucka for a nice guy.  Fudge the bad boys, you’re always in safe hands with a polite and appreciative young man. He went on to state in no uncertain terms that he plans on being the owner of some waist metal by the end of Sunday. *SWOOOON*

Speaking of swooning, I think I may be developing a girl-crush on Michelle McCool. I kind of want to be her. Actually I’d just settle for her stomach and hair, but the rest would be nice too, if anyone with cosmetic surgery qualifications is reading.

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So Michelle and Alicia Fox took on Gail Kim and Melina. Oh. Right. Melina. She was drafted over how many weeks ago? Bout time they put her to work. Another really good women’s match on Smackdown. Things are definitely looking up. Melina ended it all by jumping on Michelle’s back, flipping herself between her legs and holding her down for the 1, 2, 3. Fantastic.  Take note Raw, Smackdown is way ahead of you.

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I’m not normally in the habit of throwing my support behind redneck Asians (JR’s label, not mine), but if Jimmy Wang Yang wants to linedance all over Dolph Ziggler’s head, hey, I’ll give him a round of applause.  RUBBISH MATCH. Really. Just to rub salt in to an open wound of a match, Ziggler won. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, The Great Khali came out and pulled Ziggler out of the ring. Bleurgh all round. NEEEEEXT.

I think I would have preferred staying with Ziggler and Khali than witness what happened next.

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I have no words. At least, no words I can write without WordPress suspending my account. Let’s try this again and hope for a better result…… NEEEEEEXT! R-Truth and Mike Knox. Again? Well, alright then.  It’s significantly better than the last two segments anyway.  R-Truth made his usual way through the crowd and Knox met him in the ring. Not a terrible match but not great either. At least there was a reversal in the result this week. R-Truth took it with a strange corkscrew move to the head  (but not as nice as John Morrison’s Triple Salco).

Rey Mysterio did a little Spanish promo for his match against Jericho and, because Lawler and Cole got to do it on Raw, JR and Todd Grisham got in the ring to run through all their Judgement Day matches. Ready for some main eventing? Nah, me neither. Can’t say I was really looking forward to the Edge/Jericho match.  It just seemed like an excuse to put them both to work without doing the PPV matches a few days too early. It trundled along fairly smoothly. Nothing out of the ordinary or unexpected. But then bedlam broke out and the whole place erupted. Here’s how it went down…….

Edge was about to make Jericho eat some steel chair when Jeff Hardy came to spoil his party.

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Jeff was about throw himself on to Edge from the top rope, but when Jericho interfered he switched angles and humped on to HIM instead.

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After a brief pause CM PUNK came running out with a referee at his side, to try and cash in his Money in the Bank contract for the THIRD week running. AAARGH! I need to catch my breath….. hold on…….mmm ahhhhh mmmm ahhhh mmm ahhhh. Ok I can breathe now.

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Just as Punk got in the ring Umaga appeared and tried to foil his third cash-in, but Punk whacked him over the noggin with the briefcase and sent him flying. Just to make sure he really HAD knocked Umaga out, CM Punk leaped from the ropes and landed on the chunky one. He vented his frustration by shouting loudly.sdjdpr4

Back in the ring, Jeff and just thrown himself at Edge, has knocked him towards the announce table and has pushed him in to the crowd.

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In another part of the crowd, Umaga has found his feet and is pummelling Punk in to a pulp. A small girl touches Umaga and seems shocked that his skin in sweaty.

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Hold up, where’s Jericho? Oh there he is, slinking up the ramp. Rey Mysterio doesn’t let him get off so lightly and attacks him from behind.

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All three matches continue as Smackdown goes off the air, and I make an attempt at recovering from my first decent Wrestlegasm in WEEKS. Bring on the Judgement.

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE SHOW

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I know I chose a child in last week’s Smackdown recap, but they generally have the most honest reactions. This one says “Daddy, who the hell is this man and why are his eyeballs so large?” I also like that he’s wearing a John Cena shirt.

Raw(lite): win and you’re in

A change, Sheryl Crow said, does us good. Although, if you listen to the rest of the lyrics from that song I think she may have been wasted when she wrote it. Anyway, yes, change. Instead of the usual 15 minute superstar/GM sermon to kick off Raw this week, we went straight in to a match. Randy and Shane to be precise. Well, we’ve seen them in the ring together so much lately, it’s not like we needed an introduction anyway.

There seems to be a lot of  ‘let’s run in to the crowd to get them all fired up’ of late. Shane and Randy participated in this too. You have to feel for the arena staff when this happens. There they are, thinking they’ll have an easy night, then all of a sudden they have thousands of lunatics all trying to grab a swab of Randy’s perspiration to sell on ebay.

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After the crowd surfing, Shane splayed Randy across the announce table and set himself up for a leap from the top rope. But hold on, no Orton/McMahon match is complete without its supporting cast, so here come Rhodes and DiBiase to rescue Randy. The three furr-less wolves surround Shane and begin ripping him apart. Hark, I do believe that’s the cue for another member of the chorus to appear. Here comes M.V.P to save Shane from a wolf attack.  Hark again, the numbers are still uneven and two members of Team Corporate are in distress. *BING-BONG* Paging Dr. Batista-Paging Dr. Batista – you have an emergency in the ring. Please proceed immediately.

Dr. Dave answered his page and the beginning of Raw began to resemble utter carnage. Mummy Guerrero had to put a stop to this foolishness. You naughty boys, you.  She calmed things down by announcing that if the cavalry wanted to be involved in the second Orton/Shane match that night, they’d have to earn it. Dave had to take on DiBiase and M.V.P had to go against Cody Rhodes. If they win, they’re in.  An explosive start to Monday Night Raw INDEED, Michael Cole.

Quick fashion moment, courtesy of Gok Wan. If you’re short, like Mrs. G (and me) avoid T-Bar and ankle strap heels with a skirt. They cut the leg off too early and make you look even shorter. Try a nice open pump instead. They lengthen the leg.

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Back in the ring, Matt Hardy (still bleating about his metacarpals) is up against Kofi Kingston. Apparently he’s filed a formal complaint with the appropriate authorities about having to fight while injured. What? Vince allowed them to form a union? Isn’t that, like, a human right or something? Whoa!

It wasn’t much of a match. I mean, how interesting can it be with one of them being one-handed. Actually, it was more interesting listening to Cole and Lawler trying to talk about wanking without letting on to the kids they were talking about wanking. What ELSE can’t you do with your right hand in a cast? Hee-hee-hee. Juveniles. Kofi Kingston won, but Hardy used his cast to knock him out after the match had ended.

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Behind the curtain, Santino Marella is telling the obligatory Oink Flu joke to KellyX2 and then to Chavo. I tried not to laugh. Really, I did. But I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes I hate myself for loving you, WWE.

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After another Backlash recap relating to my John and Big Show, we head back behind the curtain again where Big Show is moaning to Vickie about getting a match against John Cena at Judgement Day.  She obliges and we scoot across to M.V.P, who is preparing for his match against Cody Rhodes while being mauled by the Bella Twins. Rhodes is already in the ring, and William Regal returns to the floor in the commentary seat.

Oh dear, William Regal, why must you be such an irritating nutter?And just for the record, not all British people are clueless to the phrase ‘Ballin’. Stop playing the dumb Brit, Regal. The Rhodes/M.V.P match was rolling along well but then, in an act of desperation, William Regal began offering himself as a tag partner to Cody Rhodes. When the offer was turned down he interfered anyway and tripped M.V.P, leaving Rhodes to win by count-out.  So that gives M.V.P a nice little feud with Regal for JD.

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Soooo, following that Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler introduced a sing-off to rival Smackdown’s  horrible dance-off last week. What? WHAT? Seriously, Raw, that was one of the weakest parts of Smackdown. You could have skipped Jillian and Festus crooning it out .  As it happened, my dad arrived just as this was going on. I dare you to try and defend this shit when a non-wrestling person is watching it with you. My heart broke trying to come up with something to justify it. But at least it had a modicum of comedy value.

And just to wind me up even more, all that tom-foolery was followed by a visit from The Miz. I can feel my blood pressure rising already….and not in a really pleasurable CM Punk way either. His adventures in arrogance continued as he challenged John Cena, once again to take him on. Puh-lease. John couldn’t handle it any more and came out to shut this child up. I should point out that the person you saw coming out to the ring was NOT the real John Cena. It was a life-sized action figure fashioned from resin and a skin-like silicone substance. That’s why he was walking in that awkward manner and that’s why he couldn’t defend himself when Big Show attacked. There’s only so much you can make an action figure do. Trust me, I’ve tried.

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The real John Cena is crashing at my place while he recuperates. He’s not an easy patient to take care of.  He wants to get back in the ring so he can do some damage to the Big Show. But I’ve reminded him that he’s gotta take it easy. He can have his revenge at Judgement Day. Until then I’ll continue applying calamine lotion to his burns, will carry on changing his bandages at regular intervals and will keep bringing him miniature animals to cuddle. They cheer him up, even though he still looks a bit sad in this one.

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Sooooo, back in the realms of reality, Jared the Subway Guy is announcing the Mickie James/Maryse match.  HUH? Oh, Subway is the sponsor. Ok. You know, sometimes I’m really glad I know a little bit about America, or Jared would have gone straight over my head. Anyway, This was a really solid match. I love when they give the women a few minutes just to wrestle. No gimmicks, no silliness, no…errr…..lady-boys? Just some proper wrestling. Mickie James made a flying leap at Maryse’s face and pinned her for the win.

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Back to the boys and Batista is taking on Ted DiBiase for an opportunity to join their personal leader in the final match of the night. It was looking like Dave had the upper hand being that, ya know, he’s twice Ted’s size and all.  He had him in the corner of the ring….almost looking like he was trying to angrily hump him. But then he got a bit over-excited and was disqualified. NO, not THAT kind of over-excited. Don’t be filthy! Uh-oh. It’s looking like Shane is going to be outnumbered in the ring. DOH!

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Carlito beat ‘The’ Brian Kendrick (well if Lillian can do it, so can I) and we’re at our main event of the night – Shane versus ALL of Legacy. Ooh. Bummer.  Shane was psyching himself up in the hallway when Dave came to apologise for leaving him all on his lonesome. There may have been more to the conversation but the giant, pulsating vein running up Dave’s arm demanded my attention. Kind of like when you’re talking to a guy wearing an awful toupee and all you can think about is the mop of horse mane slapped on their bonce.What did he do….swallow a pack of Gummi Worms the wrong way? Eeek.

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Down in the arena, Team Cyborg are making their way to the ring.  There is no purpose for this next picture other than to admire Randy Orton’s thighs. You could crack walnuts with those thighs. Actually, you could even crack Brazil nuts….and they’re the bitchiest of all the nuts to crack. Even my Dad commented on the fact that Randy’s got “very impressive quads”.  And he works in medicine and sports, so he knows his muscle groups.

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This match reminds of the episode of Friends where Monica’s boyfriend Pete (the millionaire businessman) decides he wants to become a UFC fighter, just for the hell of it. (Click here for the clip).  In theory, Shane should end up looking like this…….

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But we all know that the WWE isn’t like real life. In fact, it isn’t even as real as Friends…and that’s about as big a fantasy as it gets. Shane held his own pretty well considering it was a three against one handicap match. But it all started going wrong when Shane tried to put Randy through the announce table for the second time that night and missed by a mile, injuring himself in the process.

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From then on in it was downhill for Shaney-boy. Not only did his right ankle fall victim to a ‘steel’ chair, it then fell victim to dun-dun-duuuun…. the ‘steel’ stairs. At this point the officials decided Shane had received enough punishment and separated Legacy from their prey.  It was looking like it was all over when Dr. Dave answered his pager again and ran in to rescue the boss. Legacy got down low and scuttled away like the pack of smooth-skinned dogs they are. Batista beat himself up for not being there to protect Shane O’Mac. Popping veins ahoy! Poor ole Shane was wheeled out on a gurney and Chief-Robot-Randy reminded Dave that his JD was coming. And I don’t mean he was gonna mix him a Lynchburg Lemonade. I believe I just lost my heart to a nutcracking robot.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch Smackdown in bed with a box of tissues. BECAUSE I’VE GOT A COOOLD. I swear, your minds practically LIVE in the gutter.

Smackdown(lite): partie deux – d’introducions

I said it was a week of introductions, didn’t I? Smackdown was no exception.  Let’s check  it out……..

We began with Chris Jericho, still playing the bad guy, still in a custom suit, still hawt. But wait, there are teeny tiny glimmers of comedy returning to his public persona. YES! I miss happy Jericho.  He started by abusing the fans,  which they, naturally, jeered. Apparently this is now his show and there’s nothing anything can do about it. Why do I get the feeling someone will come out and question that? Oh here we go, Edge, hoorah! Canada vs Canada. I love it.  Edge seems particularly calm all of a sudden. That belt must be like a jewellery version of prozac. Someone get me a really big belt – STAT.

Poor Chris Jericho. Edge gave him a verbal battering that left me wanting to give him a big, warm hug.  Yeah, because I NEVER usually wanna do that! Apparently, Jericho can take all his vocabulary words and leave because Smackdown isn’t Jericho’s to take…….it belongs to Edge. Vocabulary words? Oh, as opposed to those non-vocabulary words. Because everyone apart from Jericho just grunts and makes clicking noises with their tongue?

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Edge proclaimed himself the sultan of Smackdown, in no uncertain terms. Which means someone else is about to come out and call HIS bluff, right? Right. So which, newly drafted, hunky, Chicago native would like to take on that role? Yep, you guessed it, CM PUNK. YEEEEEEAH! Oh my god. I know I don’t have any groinal feelings for Edge, but two outta three ain’t bad at all.  Quite frankly, with Punk and Jericho talking it out you’re lucky I can even concentrate long enough to keep my fingers on the keyboard.

Back to the new guy introductions……….welcome to Smackdown, honeys.

He reminded Edge that he took his title last year cashing in his Money in the Bank ticket to greatness. Jericho got up in Punk’s face, told him that nobody cares abooot what he has to say (love that accent), claimed he was the best in the world and suggested it would be in Punk’s best interest to skedaddle. Punk disregarded Jericho’s warning and Chris threw a girly hissy fit, called the audience recalcitrant frauds (Google it) and stormed out of the the ring gripping his imaginary, vintage,  floral clutch bag. Don’t be such a puss, Chris.

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Back in the ring, Punk attempted to speak again but Edge didn’t wanna hear it. He persevered anyway. Good for you, sweets. He made it absolutely clear that Smackdown was in a new era and that he would be fighting Edge that night, cashing in his Money in the Bank contract. YYYEEEEAAW! Bring it on! A quick tip for Punk before moving on….you need to lay off the oily hair mist. If you have fine hair it can make it a little too flat and greasy looking if you overuse it. Try a light serum before blowdrying.  You can show me the results next week. ;)

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All that was followed by a Shelton Benjamin match with John Morrison, where Morrison won. Backstage, Jericho has gotten so angry about being interrupted by Edge and Punk that he’s taken his top off while whining to Teddy Long. Well, I know that’s what I always do when I’m furious. Anyway, he’s interrupted again by the Great Khali, who I think might be one of the scariest dudes on the planet. Look at his C-shaped mug and listen to that warble he calls a voice. *shudder*.  Jericho thanked Khali for showing him some support and respect, but lost the plot again when he realised was actually telling him to get over himself. COMEDY JERICHO IS ON HIS WAY BAAAAACK! WOOHOO! Bout time too.

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Ok, all this bitchy fighting is lovely but can we have a match to hold our interest, please? Ah, a Fatal Fourway to decide who will contend for Edge’s title at Judgement Day. Fabulous.  We have Kane, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio. Great match – lots going on and it managed to hold my attention throughout. Anyway, after much high-flying shenanigans, Jeff pinned Rey to contest for the title at JD. Umm, hold on, I’m confused. Last I heard, Jeff had been persuaded to sign a new contract on the grounds that he had a lighter schedule so he could recover from his ‘burnout’. Now he’s in a PPV title match? Let that boy SLEEP for goodness sake.

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So it appears that Maria has fulfilled a lifelong ambition to launch her own clothing line.  I don’t know if I’m afraid to look or super-excited. As you know, I loves my fashion. But generally female wrestler clothes tend to be, well, how can I put this……trash? I mean, they’re costumes, right? It might work for them on TV but I can’t really see me rocking up at my office in a satin trimmed lace dress with my baps spilling out over the top.

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And I do like to support the Divas in their personal ventures, especially the ladies I like. I can only hope this zebra-print monstrosity in the background there is Teddy Long’s bath robe and not an item for sale at the Maria Kanellis Store. Eek!

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In more lessons in time wasting, Cryme Tyme came out and got two of the Divas to do a dance-off for them. Errrrm, what is the point of this shit? And why the hell did it get so much air time? I despair. I really do. Isn’t this supposed to be a WRESTLING show? First of all if you can’t dance like this…..

….you’re just pulling lap-dance moves..  And secondly, why weren’t they allowed to speak? Did they really need two boys to be mouthpieces for them? I think the week for me to write my long post in defence of the women of the WWE has arrived.

Moving on, this M.V.P and Sherri Shepherd thing is kind of lost on me.  All I really know of her is that she was Judy in Everybody Loves Raymond and that she’s on The View. I’m fully aware of The View.  I’ve seen it when I’ve been in America. And I’m sure it must shown on some satellite channel during the afternoon here, but I’ve got a job. Daytime TV ain’t really my thing. We have a ghastly, trashier, British version of The View called Loose Women, if you’re looking for some background noise to slash your wrists to.

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Anyway, what exactly IS the purpose of this storyline? Are M.V.P and SS actually a couple? Is the idea that bored housewives will start watching wrestling as a direct result of this? I know more than half of what I write about here relates to admiring the male form, but that’s not enough to sustain interest.  Unless you actually love wrestling, unless you get what it’s about, unless you understand the history and love it as a (partial) sport, you won’t stick around. If all the cute boys disappeared and we were left with the less attractive fellas, yeah, I’d be less aesthetically satisfied, but I’d never stop watching. Wow! I DO have it in me to be serious.  What a voyage of self-discovery I’m on. Maybe I should be on The View.

At least Sherri Shepherd got in to the spirit and put her acting skills to good use. She was pretty convincing.

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After much theatrics, M.V.P won against Ziggler and retained his American belt, taking it to Raw from tonight.

Meanwhile backstage, Chris Jericho is still trying to find a single person willing to show him some respect. No dice. Teddy Long walked away without comment and John Morrison dared to dub Jericho a quitter. Jericho bitch-slapped Morrison and an outright catfight ensued. This forced carefully  placed random staffers to prise them apart and left CM Punk to whistle his way through the chaos.

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After what feels like a particularly long SD, we’ve gone full circle and are back where we started with Punk and Edge fighting it out. In this week’s CROTCH WATCH, my guy has plumped for the black shorts with fuchsia pink stars. Phew! That leaves me free to concentrate on the actual athletics, which were awesome by the way. Much like Orton and M.V.P on Raw, they complimented each other. And I figured that, unlike on Raw, there was nobody to run in and ruin it.  Errr, yah. Punk won the first match, declared he was cashing in his MitB opportunity and…..out of nowhere Umaga bounded in and beat Punk up. WHHHHYYYYYY? What’s HIS beef?

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But events carried on twisting. Edge rose to feet and was about to batter Punk some more with his very own briefcase when HE was beaten up by Jeff Hardy, the number one contender at JD. I didn’t know where to look next. But look, Jeff is smiling! I haven’t seen Jeff smile in ages. Awwww. Baaaaabe.*hugs*

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Raw(lite): partie une – d’introductions

This is actually the second time I’ve written this post. I had almost finished it when my laptop decided to throw a wobbler. Once it rebooted only a small portion of what I had written had saved. I was CRUSHED. And, oh dear, two recaps to write before the next Raw. Whoops. Time hates me. And huge thanks to the universe for giving me a full-power migraine last night, scuppering my writing plans. I had flickering lights and everything. It was disco-time in my head. Anyway, I am now making a recovery so I’ll make an attempt at recapping Raw (for the second time) and will try to remember all the hilarious jokes I cracked first time around. You can’t just summon up that kind of spontaneity, ya know. I’m an artist.

With Backlash out of the way this week’s Raw and Smackdown were an opportunity to move on, start afresh and introduce old faces to new brands. It really was a week for introductions, and it felt like stepping outside on a beautiful Spring day and filling my lungs with fragrant, clean air. And how often can you really mention the words ‘wrestling’ and ‘fragrant’ in the same sentence?

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Raw kicked off with Mouth-Almighty (Vickie Guerrero) in the ring, sporting some new hair extensions.  She introduced Randy Orton, who did the robot and made his way to the ring, flanked by Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. Gotta be honest, I thought he milked the entrance a bit, but hey, I’d rather that than Triple H.

Randy swelled his own ego with a rousing speech of hatred. I think maybe the management realised that we’ve become quite fond of Randy in recent weeks and we needed to hate him again.  What better way to make someone hate you than batter their self-esteem.  Apparently, those of us in our twenties and younger hope for big things, huge success, we have big dreams, but in the end the odds are we will amount to nothing. YYYYYYYAAAAWCH! Randy, why you hurt me like that? What have I done to you? See, now I just wanna prove you wrong. And the outlook is in even bleaker for people in the thirties and older. Chances are they already ARE nothing. :( But as long as Randy is a success, that’s all that matters, right? Hate him enough now, do ya? Yeah, me too. BOOOOOOO! Mission accomplished, writing team.

Vickie fawned all over Randy like a giddy teenager and went on to announce that the winner of the Big Show/Batista match that night would be number one contender for Randy’s belt at Judgement Day.

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We were then reminded that we, fans and fellow supa-stahs, were obliged to respect Mr. Orton’s achievements.  But then he was conveniently interrupted by some tick-tocking. M.V.P. When he came out I was thinking ‘meh’. By the time he left, I was a fan. I’m such a sucka. I play right in to Vince’s hands every time. So, a challenger for Randy Orton. Cool. DiBiase stepped up and encouraged Montel to leave while he had the chance. And his response…. “Break yo-self, lackie, Randy didn’t give you permission to speak. So I ain’t going nowhere. Dig this Randy, I don’t have a couple of Abercrombie and Fitch models to do my talking for me. “ YEEEEEEAH! Sorry, but you know I couldn’t resist this.

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M.V.P offered himself up on a plate to Randy, Cody whined, Randy whispered sweet nothings in Vickie’s ear, she confirmed that Randy and Montel would get it on on Raw that night….and no, Vickie still can’t pronounce Orton. Enunciate, baby.

First match of the night was Brian Kendrick vs Kofi Kingston. That’s right, I left out the ‘THE’, what are YOU gonna do about it, doll-face-ache? Pretty decent match.  I like Kingston. I’m looking forward to a couple of years from now when he will be main-eventing. Yes, King, it is exciting to watch Kofi Kingston.  He pinned Kendrick FTW.  After a recap of John Cena’s dive in to a 7000w searchlight (oh, that’s what it was), we take a trip backstage with Vickie and Big Show. Don’t pretend you didn’t say EEEWWWWW! in your head.

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It may very well get awful lonely on Monday nights, but I’d rather be lonely every night than, ya know.  Good call, Vickie. Professional was definitely the way to go.

From the slightly ridicuous to the absolutely abominable. SantinA Marella, Kelly-Kelly, Brie Bella and Mickie James Vs Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, Jillian and Maryse. You know what? At some point, when I have a little more time, I’m going to break the habit of a lifetime and do a serious post about the women of the WWE. And unlike the ladies, it won’t be pretty. It’s getting to the stage where I almost can’t stand it any more. The whole ‘match’ was gross. This pretty much sums it up. Bleurgh!

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And just to make up a hatrick of silliness, Matt Hardy solemnly walked to the ring, cradling his broken hand and branding his brother a barbarian. Ooh so many B’s.  Apparently he ‘suffered a brutal break to his second metacarpal’.  Mmmm, medical terminology. Yum. I loves me some doctor speak. According to my deductions (meaning I asked my Dad) you would not be wrapped in a large arm cast for a broken metacarpal unless the fracture had travelled down the finger in to the hand.  He certainly wouldn’t be able to wiggle his digits so freely. Trust me, I know.  I broke my fingers during a particularly….err…passionate game of netball in high school. But whatever. I just remembered none of this is real anyway.

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Goldust appeared, looking more and more like his father every day, to fight a one-handed Matt Hardy under duress. Check out those golden jowls.  Matt, somehow, pinned Goldust and left the ring pulling ‘Oww, it hurts’ faces.

Time for a real match. Randy Orton and M.V.P.  This turned out to be a great match. No, really.  Their styles seemed to compliment each other and I was really getting in to the actual wrestling. Cheering, gasping, punching my fist for M.V.P. But then just as I was starting to enjoy the end of the Orton/McMahon debacle,  this happened (skip to 1m 55s)……

Bloody hell! Why d’you have to go and spoil it? UUUUUURRRGH! Shane, get back to boardroom and do what you’re paid to do. The party’s over. Let the talent do the wrestling. I beg of you. You can stop impressing your Dad now.

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Next up, The Miz. Google his name and he’ll have more hits than any one of us. Oh, and apparently Lauren Conrad, Paris Hilton and The Duff Sisters are in his phone and don’t know who the hell I am. I’m DEVASTATED. It’s my life’s ambition to receive a text message from Paris telling me that something is HAAAAT. Errrrrm, no. God, I know this guy is SUPPOSED to be annoying. I know he’s MEANT to make me wanna flip him the bird, but damn, it worked.

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All up in my face, challenging John Cena after he’s been thrown through glass and belittling his movies. Yawch. Ok, maybe he can have that one. But still, URGH! And where do you get off picking on Lillian Garcia? She sings the national anthem and announces everyone’s stats. WTF did she do to you, jackass? I SO want Lillian’s job, by the way. Although, I doubt I’d be able to keep my cool announcing certain people to ring.

Thankfully, this irritating segment was followed by a flick through the photo album from the recent WWE tour of Europe. It’s highly probable that I squealed a high pitched WHEEEEEEE when this came on the screen.

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Ha. That’s where I’m from. And they were in my town. Yey. And they’ve actually got my town’s name on Raw. Ha. Wait. That’s John Cena in one of those pictures. I didn’t know he was in town. I thought it was just the mid-carders. Shit. I missed John.  Well now I’m just depressed. Thanks, Raw. Thanks a lot. Just give me another match to cheer me up. Oh, Tag-Team stuff. I’m feeling too blue to talk about that, so just know that Carlito and Primo beat Jamie Noble and Chavo when Carlito pinned Noble.

I need something to make me smile again. Ah-ha, here we go. Dave Batista about to cry. Result! Little Josh Matthews went up to big Dave Batista and asked him if he felt responsible for Triple H’s loss at Backlash. Brave, Matthews. Very brave. I like your moxy. Dave did a weepy piece to camera about how he felt Hunter’s pain and would hurt Randy Orton on his behalf. Ok, I’m back. Me smiley again.

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But then Vickie Guerrero made a meal of announcing that next week’s Raw would include a match between Shane McMahon and Randy Orton. Excuse me while I choke on my own metacarpals. Something NOT to look forward to.  That news almost spoilt Dave’s match with Big Show completely for me. If it wasn’t for the fact that Dave’s trunks started riding up fairly early on and he didn’t feel inclined to re-position them, I would have turned off early.

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By the way, David, I TOTALLY blame you for Ricky Hatton’s loss against Manny Pacquiao last night. I fully believe that if you hadn’t escorted Manny to the ring and worked some kind of voodoo on my Ricky, he definitely would have won.

In a pleasurable twist, John Cena (remarkably uncut by all that glass) stumbled his way to the ramp, distracted Big Show, costing him not only the match, but also the opportunity to fight for some bling at Judgement Day. Oh John, I can always rely on you to be my hero and cheer me up the end of a bad day. Well, he DOES love me. He said so publicly last week on Superstars. Ah, I feel better now. Time to go recap some Smackdown.