It’s been a very long time since I last wrote one of these. In fact, the last one wasn’t even written by me. It was a guest post written by LOL, Wresslin’. It’s time to tentatively peek into the search terms stored in my blog stats and hope I don’t see anything I want to report to the authorities.

First of all, I’m super pleased to see that people are searching for Barri Griffiths related items; and by that I mean, people who aren’t me. Remember where you heard about how great he is first, kids. Also, I don’t know who keeps searching for Kelly² sans clothing, but seriously, 26 times in one day? I think you have a little too much time on your hands. And a sore wrist.  Let’s see which weirdness has hurt my eyeballs during recent weeks.

This is a tricky one. Is this person searching for an overdeveloped chicken who wrestles for a living? Seems kind of illegal to me. I’m pretty sure cock-fighting was outlawed a long time ago and I’m not convinced there’s an audience for it.Then again, I’m a sucker for some funky entrance music, an awesome ringwalk and a brightly coloured outfit. So you never know, maybe chicken wrestling could catch on.

Imagine this dude with a Zack Ryder headband and bobbing his head to Ohhhh radioooo, tell me ev-ry-thing you knoooow. Could work.

My other theory is that maybe they incorrectly spelt mussel as muscle and they were actually looking for pictures of shellfish wrestling a chicken. But that can’t be right. Surely that would be an uneven match.

The mussel wouldn’t stand a chance against a chicken. I mean, all the chicken would have to do is peck through that bluey shell and kill the mussel. Also, chuck a bit of garlic butter on top, delicious snack for the chicken. Then again, since when did uneven matches bother wrestling bookers?

Either way, I’m concerned for the welfare of our feathered and rock-pool dwelling friends. I’ll give the RSPCA a buzz to put my mind at ease.

Hmm. Another curious one. How exactly might one go about giving laziness the 619? Laziness is rather, well, LAZY! Persuading it to get out of bed, have a shave and catch the bus down to the wrestling arena might prove to be quite a chore. Unless, of course, you were able to get in touch with this bloke and send a taxi for him.

But even then, would hanging on to the ropes, jumping into an aerial horizontal position and swinging through the ropes until you kick him in the face really boost your life? I think not. Try a seminar on how to harness your inner potential instead. Or possibly listening to some showtunes. Works for me.

Well, that’s very presumptuous of you. Just because a man chooses to wear a platinum-blonde wig, a fluffy feather boa, the tightest gold body-suit  imaginable and make-up to die for, it doesn’t mean that he’s of homosexual persuasion.

Totally acceptable attire.

Think about it, Alex Reid is a cage fighter and dresses like a lady, and he just married Katie Price.

Katie Price pictured centre. Her husband is pictured far left. Really. He's also a cagefighter. Really.

Camp doesn’t always equal gay. It’s theatre, darling! And Goldust is FABULOUS!

I can’t actually see how these words lead this searcher to wrestlegasm.com.  I can only assume it has something to do with Drew McIntyre and when the wardrobe department were having trouble deciding just how many bedazzled Scottish flags they could glue-gun onto a shower curtain. But I’m not sure where the painting of flags on women’s bodies comes in. You may have noticed that I’m an especially patriotic girl. I love being Welsh. If my country required me to paint myself, I’d do it without question and I’d presume that Welsh men would find it a turn-on, at least on days when Wales were playing rugby anyway. I certainly enjoyed when TV presenter Gethin Jones painted a Welsh rugby shirt on himself.

So I say this, if you’re a Scottish gentleman who likes his women to wear their patriotism on their skin, good for you. And good luck in finding that mate for life.

You're welcome.

Ummm, yeah, that might have been me.

GUEST POST: Courtesy of LOL, Wresslin

[It’s a tough gig running a wrestle comedy blog all by oneself. There’s nobody to bounce ideas and jokes off and nobody to cover when real jobs get too busy to blog. Sad times. So I figured it would be a good idea to enlist some help while my day job continues to steal my mental energy. I called upon Adam and Matt of LOL, Wresslin fame and left them the keys to the Wrestlegasm office when I went to work this morning. I have returned to find that all my beers have mysteriously disappeared and the guest post below stuck to the front of my fridge. I am now obliged to post what they wrote, but I’m not happy about it. They may appear to be the sweetest combination of New York and Texas since Jay-Z put a ring on Beyonce’s finger, but don’t be fooled, kids. They’re very mean boys. I’m going now. You’ll find me crying real tears in to my John Cena scatter cushion. And scribbling ‘ADAM + MATT SUCK’ all over my pencil case.]

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drstcedinal2

Sha-hey-hey, it’s your old mate Ray-Ray here for another STUPENDOUS edition of “I Know what you did Last Google!”  You all know the drill by this point.  Some people stumble upon old Wrestlegasm by using the most peculiar of Google search terms.  I post them here and completely ostracize new readers all so I can larf and larf and larf!  Let’s get this rolling!

1 (1)

Well isn’t that sweet?  It’s true; Wrestlegasm is totally the Spice Girls of wrestling comedy blogs!  I like to say around these parts that Wrestlegasm provides a little extra “Zigga-zig-a!” to everyone’s daily lives.

Ziggler

2

Well not all of the Google search trends are incorrect and weird.  I don’t want all of my readers to think I hate them, so sometimes I have to tell the truth.  This is the 2nd most searched phrase, behind the amount of times I Google “Ray + Wrestlegasm.”

3

Again, see above.

3a

Well this one seems to be spot on.  Lance is a solid in ring worker who had a long, successful career in ECW, WCW, and WWE.  I bet Lance Storm’s blog get’s this search a lot.  I wonder if he and I should collaborate on something.  I’m sure it would be quite the treat for all my readers and twitters, LOL!

Lance Storm

4

I don’t even know what this one means.  Sure, we all love the Code (how is this a nickname if it’s still the same amount of letters, LOLZ?) and his tag title reigns with Hardcore Holly and Legacy, but is that really enough to hole him into glory?  Is that the name of his finisher?  By the way, anyone else ever thought that since Cody’s father was The American (boo!) Dream and Ted’s dad’s finisher was The Million Dollar (boo!  Pounds or to a lesser extent Euros!) Dream, they should call their team the Million American Dollar Dreams?  That’d be perfect and is in no way a terrible name that’s just a mouthful to say!

4a

Yes, that one search term about Michelle McCool being fat and my updates to make “Diva status” really are paying off dividends in the ole hit counter!  I’ve gotta be up to…45, 46 hits at this point!  CHA-CHING!

5

Oh dear….that is just atrocious.  Seriously, what is wrong with some of you people?  To search for such a foul, offensive thing like Cryme Tyme!  For shame.  For shame.  Biggest mistake those American blokes ever made was the Emancipation Proclamation.  I can tell you, if they were still under Crown rule that would NEVER have happened.

6

That just hurt my feelings.  Well, we Welsh (alliteration!) have a saying: “Koala’s, vegemite sandwich, Foster’s, Michael Hutchinson, g’day mate, Crocodile Dundee, Aussie rules football!”

Well that’s the latest wackiness from the interwebz!  I can only imagine what treasures await my Google Cache in the coming weeks.  Please sickos, continue to be perverts and creep me out. I will embarrass you to all my readers.  I will snitch on yo’ asses.  Because after all, whether you snitch to the Bobbies or snitch to WordPress, snitchin’ is snitchin!

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drstcedinal2

As my blogging form has been below parr this past week, I thought I’d delight you with a new installment of ‘i know what you did last google’. My dashboard has been awash with weirdness since the last installment, so I’ve picked out a few of the most head-scratch worthy search terms that have graced my blog stats recently.

mmf

SAY WHAT? REALLY? You think Michelle McCool is FAT?

mmnlf

Holy crap, look how grossly obese she is! I can’t even LOOK, she’s so hideous. I can count the rolls of fat from here. Oh, wait, they’re not rolls of fat, that’s her highly toned six-pack.  The only other thing I can think of is that someone was looking for pictures of Ms. McCool before she discovered exercise. Why? So you’ll feel better about the fact that her super-human fitness and stupidly sexy bod make your boyfriend think she’s hotter than you? She is. She’s hotter than all of us. Get over it!

Has Michelle McCool ever made me feel bad about myself? Oh yeah. Usually because I watch the repeat of Smackdown early on Saturday morning. Saturday morning is the only day of the week where I have time to cook bacon and eggs. I’m often scarfing down a bacon and brown sauce sarnie while Michelle flaunts her rock solid abs across my TV.

But don’t be hating. Don’t wish her fat. Wish yourself fit and healthy. Admittedly, Diva by Xmas is faltering this week. But that has more to do with not wanting to cough and sneeze over the machinery and keel over on the stairmaster than anything. Listen to her titantron music in the gym. It works! I swear!

ripjm

*BREAST-CLUTCH* OH MY GODDDDDD! He DIED? NOOOOOOO! Hang on a minute. That Google search was from like two weeks ago. He’s not dead. I just saw him on last night’s Raw being all cute and professional and shit, interviewing Sir Barker. PHEEEEW! For a second there it was like on Twitter when the Trending Topics start showing ‘R.I.P celebrity-person’. That’s how we all find out a celeb has died these days, right?

One day, when my children tug on my skirt and say “Mummy, how did you find out Michael Jackson had died?” I will answer, “the Twitter Trending Topic broke the news to me on a balmy June evening. And nobody really believed it was true. Because it was a Twitter Trending Topic”

Back to Josh Matthews, his wrestling career may have passed over to the afterlife, but I think he’s doing a fine job of being a backstage interview dude and commentator.  Ok, so he tends to dip his brush in to my bronzer a little too often (not a euphemism) but he’ll get the facepaint right soon enough.

vlcsnap-2009-09-09-00h13m43s52

Glad you didn’t die, buddy.

dtbtlr

You know, I’m not too sure. And I don’t recall them giving an interview on their musical preferences in Rolling Stone or Q Magazine recently, so you might have to hold out for an answer on that one. But hey, while you’re waiting, get all your other greasy 14 year old pals together and form a band. You can rehearse in your parents’ basement and, who knows, maybe if you dedicate yourselves you’ll end up being REALLY good!

Then what you want to do is start gigging locally, trying to catch the eye of an A&R guy. If you’re lucky enough they may like your vibe and sign you to a developmental deal. If you’re even luckier again people will start listening to your music on myspace and YouTube and they’ll start downloading your tunes. For money! Before you know it you could be bursting on to the charts with the album of the year.

And to be honest, if all that happens, you can have The Bella Twins or your pick of any Diva you want. Because being in a band, especially if you’re the lead singer, instantly makes you a sexy boy. I’m sure The Bella Twins have thrown themselves at the odd ugly but highly succesful guy before, right?

bt&jc

bad example

You see, being in a band makes you instantly desirable to ladies, even if you’re not that good looking. A lot of rock stars aren’t ‘clasically handsome’. Kelly Jones, who would look like a smouldering fox unclogging blocked sewers, is the exception.

I never stopped loving you

You've still got sexiest eyelashes in the business, Jones. FACT.

tm

I should have stopped at three.

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drstcedinal2

In honour of the glorious guest hosting job executed by Freddie Prinze Jr this week, I’m launching a new feature, ripping-off the title of one of his most well known cinematic successes. Actually, I was already going to do this anyway. It just had a different name.

One of the things I enjoy most about running this blog through WordPress is that every time someone Googles something that leads them to my gate, the dashboard tells me which search term they chucked in to Google. I suppose it’s there to help me target my audience more accurately. However, what it really delivers is major hilarity (and a few shudders).

I don’t know who these people are, where in the world they live or even why they Googled the combination of words they did, but they sure are curious. I have learnt a great deal from this snazzy little dashboard feature. I have discovered that a huge number of people want to see wrestlers naked. Maryse and Dolph Ziggler seem to top that particular category.  Yes, Ziggler. Who knew he was so popular? A surprising number of people seem to have a penchant for wrestlers’ bare feet. Eve Torres’ feet are extremely popular.(?) I learnt that the WWE Universe is DESPERATE to buy the Hart Dynasty t-shirt.  They need it! BADLY! And, well, let’s just say that if I knew who these people were, there are a couple I’d be reporting to the police. You should be ashamed. Seriously. I’m not even kidding.

Still, there are some weird and wonderful ones, which I plan on bringing you from time to time. So, sit back, enjoy and don’t judge too harshly. Next time, it could be yoooou. “Ted DiBiase Boner” might even have been ME! Ok, it wasn’t. But that word comes up an AWFUL lot. Possibly every day. Seems that everyone loves when wrestlers get a rise in their trunks.

Here’s the first inductee  in to the Wrestlegasm Dashboard Hall of Fame:

Untitled-14 copy

Alright, why the hell would you need to know the answer to this question? We’ve all searched for random stuff we might be slightly embarrassed by. But, dude. Seriously. I cannot imagine any situation in life, unless you’re Triple H, where knowing the answer to this mental conundrum might come in handy.  Hey, I bet if she IS ticklish you could totally use that info to lure her away from her giant hunk of a husband. Really. Try it.

I dare you, and anyone else who fancies a challenge, to go up to Triple H and ask him if his wife is ticklish. Go on! Do it!  Please note: I take no legal responsibility for paying your bail bond or your  medical expenses if he puts you in a full body cast and has you carted off in the back of a cop-car. He, allegedly, lost his temper with some fans who simply asked for his autograph in Starbucks, so good luck with that.

In the interest of research, I stuck this particular search term in to see what came up. To my surprise/disgust, there are forums to discuss such matters, regional groups which meet regularly, and, ummm, then it started getting in to an area that made me feel uncomfortable and a little bit bilious, so I hit the X in the corner and left well alone.

I don’t have the answer to this question, so this person was probably super disappointed when they found themselves here, surrounded by an excessive collection of CM Punk, Chris Jericho and John Cena screencaps. But, I guarantee that should this vital  piece of information arrive by carrier pigeon at the Wrestlegasm news desk, I’ll be sure to inform the readers straight away. Now turn off your laptop, tickle- googler, and get back to your science homework.  Lady McMahon’s skin sensitivity will still be out there on the interwebz tomorrow.