raw(lite): just drank some acid

Americans seem to have strong feelings towards the Pittsburgh Steelers. They are one of those Marmite teams. Personally, I don’t mind them. Apart from their stupid towel swirling.  The New England Patriots, however, can rot in hell. I was quite pleased when the Steelers won the Superbowl last  year. You see, when the Cardinals made it to the play-offs  they were 33/1 to win the whole thing. A long shot but I wanted to stick £20 on them for the hell of it. However, I was talked out of this bet and was advised that the Cardinals would never even get there, let alone win. When they made it to the Superbowl I was furious. An each way bet would have netted me a few hundred quid. But a total explosion of gambling anger was calmed down by a Steelers win. Had the Cardinals won I would have been SICK! So you see, children, there are serious life lessons to be learnt from gambling……always go with your gut instinct and don’t take advice from others. Be mercenary!

All I wanna do is Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang and KERCHING and take yo monaaay

All I wanna do is Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang 'KERCHING' and take yo monaaay

Anyway, QB Ben Roethlisberger was guest hosting this week’s Raw and was booed on entry to the arena. Well, what do you expect? That’s practically McNabb’s back garden! Anticipating the frosty reception Ben had already set his first match up to pacify the crowd. It was the first annual Diva Bowl, where all the face girls and all the heel girls from across all three brands went up against each other in a girl brawl.  ‘First annual’ suggests there will be another one. Good grief! Oh and they were all dressed in custom American football jerseys. It was gimmickry at its most blatant.

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Gail Kim was the guest ref…because she’s not allowed to wrestle again until her popped boob recovers. Yep, another one with silicone leakage. It’s rife, I tells ya. The idea was to have a multi-woman tag match. Unfortunately, the heel girls refused to play by Gail’s rules and it turned into complete chaos. But basically Mickie James held court and kicked everyone’s rump.

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Just as Mickie and her pals were celebrating the win of good over evil, Randy Orton showed up to spoil the party. I got a bit excited at the prospect of him having some kind of interaction with Mickie James. But Randy walks so slowly it gave the girls time to run away. Randy got in the ring, peacocked about a bit and called John Cena out. They had some lengthy verbal and John suggested that their rematch should be an Iron Man match.

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60 minutes of scrapping  and whomever has the most ‘decisions’ at the end is declared the winner. But Randy is no himbo. He figured John was up to something shady and decided that, as he had all the power, he would only agree to this on his own terms. If John won, he would take the title. If Randy won, John had to leave Raw, scoop all his belongings up in a red spotted handkerchief on a stick and head to Smackdown or ECW or wherever else they’ll have him. Tough decision. John’s tenure at Raw would be put in jeopardy. But….

They're shaking hands, but the jaw clenching suggest ungentlemanly thoughts.

They're shaking hands, but the jaw clenching suggest ungentlemanly thoughts.

Bragging Rights just got interesting. I’m going to take a day off work for it. Game on!

After all this chit-chat we needed another match, so we moved on to Jack Swagger vs Primo.  Swagger claimed that he smells like a winner. I wonder what winners smell like. I’m kind of a loser and I smell like Agent Provocateur perfume and Greggs pasties. Judging by Swagger’s look I’m going to suggest that winners smell like hair wax, sweat, new-out-of-the-packet spandex and tiger balm.

Of course, darling.

Of course, darling.

The All-American and the Mostly-Puerto-Rican had a pretty good but brief match.  Swagger took it without too much trouble.

Backstage the ladies were still bitchin’ at each other about who knows what. It just sounded like a collective cackle to me. Someone needed to break this up, so who better than Santino in full football referee clobber and with a self-made echo. Sounds awful, but it was actually pretty funny.

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Santino suggested that Mickie and Alicia should kiss and make-up. Slowly. In front of him. But all he got was a slap round the chops and a more ferocious fight.  He ran away frightened.

The Miz had a few words with guest host Roethlisberger and abused him until he gave him a shot at the US Championship against Kofi that night. The boss agreed, but stated that should Miz lose he’d have to announce to the world the HE. IS. AWFUL. Whatever.

From there we went to Chavo and Chris Masters vs MVP and Mark Henry. MVP and the WSM finished it fairly rapidly and left Chavo to regain the use of his legs in the ring. It all seemed to be over but Chris Masters was unhappy with Chavo’s performance and kicked him back to the ground.  To everyone’s surprise, Hornswoggle turned up to help Chavo out. Then he did the DX chop in a short-armed manner. I don’t get it. They hate each other and yet they keep helping each other?

Exactly, Chavo. Exactly.

Exactly, Chavo. Exactly.

Ben Roethlisberger made his way back to the ring but as he began addressing the crowd he was rudely interrupted by Big Show and Jericho.

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The general conversation suggested that the Steelers offensive line were pansies and that they were nothing compared to the might and power of JeriShow. Cue the Steelers offensive line. Jericho was chomping at the bit to get on the mic and proceed to use the following words…..

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The Steelers had a huddle and prepared to charge at the tag champs. Said tag champs lost their bottle and threw themselves under the ropes. If this segment was to go anywhere it needed a little storyline progression, so DX showed up to give the microphone shy football players some verbal support. JeriShow scampered up the ramp and DX pressed the flesh with everyone in the ring. Jericho accidentally plugged DX’s new book and Trips complimented Jericho on his hair-do….

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The compliment was then retracted and turned into a joke at Jericho’s expense.  Shuddup, Triple H. YOUR hair is ridiculous. So there. JeriShow were about to storm off in a huff but Big Ben had other ideas and made a match for the four squabblers for that night.

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Kofi Kingston, still beaming from his PPV win, bounded in]lto the ring for his match against The Miz. A quick match followed by widespread humiliation of The Miz was expected. My expectations were incorrect. Not only did they pull off a pretty cool match, but The Miz actually won. Shocker! Now, I know his character’s pretty dickish, but I kind of wanted to see what a heel would do with the title, so I’m pretty chuffed at this development.

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Judging by the shape of his rubbery mouth, I think he's saying awesome.

The last match of the night was the JeriShow vs DX match, which was actually pretty brilliant. Seriously. I have nothing to complain about. Nothing to make fun of. In fact, this whole Raw was actually very good. Thankfully (for the purpose of sarcastic writing), two girls from Access Hollywood are hosting next week, so that should give me some comedic fodder.

I may be doing them an injustice. They may be huge wrestling fans with expert historical knowledge on each title belt, which would be more than I’ve got. We’ll see. To me, Nancy O’Dell is that girl with really yellow hair who did the charity stuff at Summerslam. And Maria Menounos is the girl I always confuse with Vanessa Minnillo, who I only really know anyway because she was Derek Jeter’s girlfriend for three years. Not that I pay attention to celebrity gossip or anything. I mean, I weened myself off the E! Channel AGES ago. And I very rarely visit the E! website. Ok just once a week to see who wore what at the latest movie premieres. Ok, maybe just once a day to check on…… Ummm. Nevermind. This is a wrestling blog so I’ll leave you with this……

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Damn. Most of the people in that picture aren’t even wrestlers! Soz!

raw(lite): oh canada! oh jericho! ohhhhh yessss!

In theory, this post should have been up on Tuesday. Thursday, at the latest.  But I actually found myself spending my evenings doing some research for a piece for college this week, so it’s been delayed. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I took my laptop to bed last night to finish this post and ended up falling asleep with a copy of Rock Sound Magazine open on my lap. Nothing at all.

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This week’s Raw was comforting. It was a reminder that the show can function very nicely without the crutch of a two-bit celebrity and a reminder that all the talent they need is right there already on the roster. Ok, Sergeant Slaughter isn’t technically on the roster but you get what I mean. Was it the greatest Raw? Not even close. But it was a marked improvement on last week’s show, which gives me good feelings all over.

We started with Randy Orton, in the ring, belt aloft, beautiful. Randy has been kind of out of the loop the past week or so, what with all the celebrity interference. Or maybe I just missed him. Or maybe his thighs just got extra spectacular since last week.

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Well done, babe. I was right behind you. I did 6.4

So what we have here is your classic PPV promo segment. Hallelujah! You’re kind of late to the Summerslam party, Raw, but let’s boogie! Randy began by reasserting his super-heel status via the belittlement of the Calgary audience.The ‘YOU SUCK’ chants erupted around the arena, which Randy TOTALLY got off on. His microphone almost got some very exclusive ‘oral pleasure’.

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He also made it clear that he would be making mincemeat of John Cena at Summerslam, contrary to the rumours circulating that John had the upper hand.  John, as you would expect, had a response. So he made his angry way to the ring. Uh-oh! John is pissed. ROYALLY pissed. I have a feeling his temper may blow its banks, causing my insides explode from the excitement. KABOOOOOOOM!

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Wow! I haven’t seen John this furious since his mini-feud with Edge after Wrestlemania. It’s possible that I may have made a WHEEEEEE kind of sound while this little piece was going on. Make that ‘probable’.   I was getting tense just watching all that up-close jaw clenching. John got all up in Randy’s chops and it was a battle of wills to see who would go in for the kiss first.

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Much to my overwhelming disappointment, the imminent smooch was rudely interupted by Chris Jericho and Big Show. But my initial feeling of irritation was quickly replaced with delight at seeing Jericho’s new suit. I believe my Twitter went something like………..

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Speaking of Twitter, in the early hours of Monday morning, Mr. Chris Jericho was partaking in some rather amusing drunk tweeting. Due to my living seven hours  ahead of Calgary, I got to witness the whole thing from my desk at work. In case you missed it, my favourite was……..

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This late night revelry revealed itself on Raw. No amount of clever make-up and cucumber slices can de-puff eyes like that and if you wait for the close-up, they’re more than a little bloodshot.

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Anyway, the physical effects of the hangover did not seem to dampen Jericho’s enthusiasm. Being in Calgary seemed to buoy him up even more. Big Show’s opening gambit even had to be paused for a few moments while the crowd got their repeated Y2J chants out of their beer soaked systems. They calmed down, Show finished his speech and then Chris took the spotlight. He only had to open his mouth for half a second before the crowd lost their minds. Even John couldn’t hold his smile in when he was supposed to be all stern like.

Stop smirking, John. You're supposed to look pissed off!

Stop smirking, John. You're supposed to look pissed off!

All this culminated in Jericho announcing that Slaughter had given him a match against John, and Show was granted a match against Randy. Right, so we’re 600 words in and there hasn’t even been a match yet. Anyone would think I’ve got a thing for John Cena. And Randy Orton. And Chris Jericho. And Big…… three outta four ain’t bad. We’d better get a match in.

With Maryse needing her knee sliced open, someone had to step up to Mickie James. Alicia Fox, Kelly-Kelly, Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix went against each other in a fourway match to be number one contender. This was actually a REALLY good match. Ok, so it was always going to come down to Beth or Gail, but they worked really hard. And the powers that be gave them some time to build the match too, which rarely happens. Beth pulled off one of those highly impressive ‘marvel at my immense strength’ moves……

Anything John can do, Beth can do better, Beth can do anything better can John.

Anything John can do, Beth can do better, Beth can do anything better than John.

……but the pin eventually went to Gail Kim. I do feel a teeny bit sorry for the Glamazon. I mean, she stuck it out through that painful Santina period without much ‘ffws na ffwdan’ as we Welsh language speakers say. She kind of deserved a title run. But I adore Gail Kim, so no complaints from my bench.

NEEEEXT!

Sergeant Slaughter came out for the first of many insults to Canada. He demanded that they stand up and pledge allegiance to the American flag. Riiiiight! You might as well ask the Welsh to affectionately lick the English flag. NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN.

I mean, look at that ferocious creature? Take THAT King George. You mess with me, my dragon kicks your arse.

I mean, look at that ferocious creature? Take THAT King George. You mess with me, my dragon burns your arse.

Jack Swagger made light but entertaining work of Evan Boure, which left Jack with bleeding gums. Mmmm, scurvy is the sexiest of all the vitaand min deficiencies.  M.V.P appeared and buttered the crowd up by knocking Swagger on his rather fine behind. Actually, that one looked like it really hurt. Nothing like a bruised coccyx to take the wind out of one’s sails.

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Montel challenged Jack to a match that night, but he refused, alluding only to the possibility of a match next week before disappearing up the ramp.

Remember last week when a disturbingly puffed-out Triple H vowed to make us all suck it? Well he was forced to travel to Texas to bring his buddy back from the brink of banality. (So many B’s.) I say ‘Texas’, but really it could have been any generic office building anywhere in the world.  HBK was discovered working as a chef in a trashy cafeteria and had been reduced to serving defrosted muck to ungrateful children. Hunter was not impressed.

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Back up North Eugene (what?) was taking on the Calgary Kid (who?) for a contract to get in to the company. Whatever. I honestly thought this was some kind of local joke I didn’t get, so I just rode it out until the Calgary Kid began pulling off the mask and I realised it was The Miz. The Miz, who everyone was SOOO upset about last week, was back. See? Didn’t I say he’d be ok? Listen to Auntie Ray. She knows stuff about shit. Or is it the other way round?

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Alright, next up Randy and Big Show were to tough it out. It was ok. I mean, Big Show is slow and Randy is deliberately slithery and calculating, so it felt like filler. Randy was getting beaten up so he left the ring and got himself counted out. Big Show sulked but who really cares.

Trips was making headway with persuading Mr. Hickenbottom to become Shawn Michaels again, but still no cigar. So we scooted over to Chris Masters vs M.V.P.  I notice Masters now enters the arena under the cover of darkness. Obviously a move to ensure we don’t see any more of his terrible tanning disasters.  M.V.P took the match within three minutes, but Jack Swagger made his way out, distracted M.V.P and gave Masters the nod to take him down.  Swagger jumped in to finish the job.

Back in Texas a granny snarled SUCK IT in to the camera and Michaels kicked a small child. I believe that means DX are back. Good work, Officer H. Now bring that boy on home. In the arena, Hornswoggle and Mark Henry fought Rhodes and DiBiase. Team Legacy won, giving them the opportunity challenge DX. I totally didn’t see that coming. So shocking!

Any excuse to use a pic of SJP.

Any excuse to use a pic of SJP.

I need me some Josh Matthews after that incredible shock! Ah. There he is, with Chris Jericho. WAIT! Did Jericho have that beard earlier? Maybe I was too distracted by his lovely suit to notice. I feel like I’ve seen that face-fuzz somewhere before. Oh yeah.

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In a moment of comedy genius, after praising Canada til the cows came home, Jericho made the faux pas of dissing it when he thought he was off camera. DOH! An oldie but a goodie.

Exactly.

Exactly, Chris.

The final match, Jericho and Cena, was moving along swimmingly and it appeared that Cena had the upper hand when he hugged Jericho in to the STF. But Randy soon appeared, started doing a strange twitchy dance in front of John and distracted him long enough for Jericho to bring him down. Big Show got involved, things got messy and Slaughter had to bring the troops to order. He commanded that Jericho and Big Show tag team against Cena and Orton next week. Ooooh, I wonder what Buffy’s husband will have to say about that. Well, John-Boy, you kept saying you wanted to work with your BFF, now you’ve got your wish. Big Show was rolled out of the ring like a humongous log and as John threw Jericho on to his shoulders for the Attitude Adjustment, Orton ran in and RKO’d Jericho back down again. It was AWESOME.

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raw(lite): fury, ageing and the case for john cena

So, Raw. Where do I start? Certainly not at the beginning. The beginning was truly terrible.  Truth be told, I picked through the rotting carcass that was that episode and there wasn’t much meat left worth saving. There were three things worth commentary though. Here goes nothing:

FURY

Randy Orton captured the anger of a global audience of millions when we went off on Piven and Jeong. Go Randy Go! KNOCK. HIS. BLOCK. OFF.

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No free movie promotion on this site.

AGEING

Triple H, following a loss to Cody Rhodes, fake huffed and puffed while hanging off the ropes. It was a sorry sight as he alluded to the fact that he may be getting a little too old for all this. NOOOOOOOOOO! Of course it was all a ruse to lead us in to that long awaited DX reunion. YEEEEEAH.

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Later on, everyone’s favourite hunter made that all important phone call to his partner in degenerative crime via the locker room phone. But hold the phone, what’s this? Mr. Michaels doesn’t want to play?

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So, does this mean no DX before Summerslam? Ohhhhhhh. How disappointing. I really…..oh…..hang on… I forgot…….

DIONSSPP

PHEW!

THE CASE FOR JOHN CENA

John Cena has been getting all kinds of heat this week . I’ve even seen calls for his resignation or firing. Ok, it’s well documented on this site that I’ve had a monster crush on JC for some time. But this has nothing very little to do with the fires he starts in my pants.

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BURN

Piven made a lumberjack match to end the show where The Miz had to beat John Cena to keep his job. He lost.

It wasn’t real, people! He didn’t REALLY lose his job. Has Miz’s character been wasted? Probably. Will he be ok? Yes. Was all this John Cena’s fault? Of course not.

I’m not going to sit here and try to convince anyone that Cena is the best technical wrestler in the company. Far from it. Even he knows that’s not true. But in WWE everyone has a role. John’s role is to be a poster boy for the prdouct. He’s a great role model for kids, he never gets up to any illegal shenanigans, he stars in movies with worldwide distribution and through his general mainstream presence he raises the profile of wrestling.

Whether you like him or loathe him, he’s actually very good in that role. Dwayne Johnson played a similar part in WWE. You don’t get to the position John Cena has reached without having something that sets you apart. For him, that may be personality. The best wrestlers aren’t necessarily the best known faces. That may be grossly unfair, but if you don’t want ‘sports entertainment’, why are you watching?

Of course a big part of the problem at the moment is that rather than hype the Summerslam matches and grow the storylines to the point where we’re bursting to see how they end at the PPV, they’re faffing about with promoting movies for people who have no connection to the industry whatsoever. John and Randy should be verbally and physically battling each other at every single opportunity at the moment. What did they have John do this week? They put him in a Mickey Mouse match with The Miz and left him in the ring to play out a cartoon ending involving Piven and Jeong. It’s not all his fault. Drop the witch hunt, guys. And keep breathing.

raw: breathe, hold it, release

Remember last week when I said the jury was still out on the whole guest hosts on Raw thing? Well if most of the reviews of last night’s show are anything to go by, the jury has had enough instant coffee and stale bagels, has returned to the courtroom and has sentenced the segment to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole.

Some of the reviews I’ve read have been beyond angry, with talk of group boycotts and sighs so heavy they were audible from space. First of all… BREATHE. Breathe, hold it, then release and allow your shoulders to slip down from your chin. Secondly, let’s try to put things in perspective. WWE is implementing an idea that most people don’t seem to like, right? It’s happened before. Many times. It will pass. I lost faith in wrestling a few years ago too. But I came back. And I never quite resisted the niggling urge to check on who was winning the matches every week.  I’m as passionate as the next person about wrestling. The number of hours I dedicate to this blog just for the hell of it should bear testament to that. But getting so wound up it makes you lose your lunch is not the answer.

It has been acknowledged almost everywhere that last night’s show was bad. Really bad. In fact, while watching it on Sky+ tonight I felt compelled to tweet this……

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Ted DiBiase Snr’s hosting was good. How can bringing a legend back to work with his son and integrate himself in to a storyline ever be bad? Seth Green was kind of cool but the plugging of his Robot Chicken show took the shine off some of it for me. At least he seemed to enjoy it. He actually looked like a cute little boy living out his dreams. And that wasn’t a height joke, just a general observation. ZZ Top was gastly. They appeared to have no interest in the business and were CLEARLY there to promote their 3 millionth tour. Shaq, I will admit, was great. He had personality, delivered comedic lines like a pro, integrated in to the storylines but didn’t overshadow the wrestling. He just became part of it.

Last night’s show came off worst because it was a two hour advertisement for a movie. Aside from the fact that Dr. Ken and Jeremy Piven were annoying and irritated me enough that I had no choice but to skip the odd end of segment, their shameless plugging of Piven’s new movie release (no, I’m not saying the name) was vile. When I want to watch an infomercial or ‘paid programming’, I will. When I sit down to enjoy a wrestling show, that’s what it should be.

I’m no dummy. I know how big business works. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours etc. A little kickback never hurt anybody. In truth, it kind of makes the world go round. The problem last night was that Vince McMahon was scratching Piven’s back, but he wasn’t returning the favour. And this is why the guest host bit has gone off the rails. They’ve lost sight of the content of the show, which was struggling even before this, and have fallen under the spell of dollar signs and hopeful links with the Page Six set. Watching low-grade celebrities act out boyhood fantasies about flying off the top rope at a wrestling superstar in return for a couple of hours of half-arsed tv hosting is not attractive to regular viewers. Wouldn’t we all like to be in the position to buy ourselves in to Raw or Smackdown for a night? Do any of us have that kind of clout? Nope. It makes us feel bad.

Look at how much time was spent last night showing clips from ESPN and various other mainstream media outlets on Shaquille O’Neal’s involvement in last week’s Raw. It’s as if they’re trying to impress and recruit non wrestling fans, while ignoring the dedicated followers they’ve already got. It’s like when banks bombard prospective customers with magnificent mortgage rates while offering nothing to its existing customers.

It’s like one of those romantic comedies where the girl spends every minute trying to snare the hot, sexy new guy in the office, while the loyal, male, best friend waits in the wings for her to cry on his shoulder when it all goes wrong. You know how those movies end, right? The girl ultimately realises that the new guy is a shallow flash in the pan and the old friend is the guy she will always be able to depend on.  Once Vince loses his hard-on for Hollywood and appoints a new, permanent GM, all will be well again.

On the plus side, at  least Sergeant Slaughter will be guest hosting next week. So light some candles, put on that pan-pipes album you got from your Granny for Christmas and just relax. In a day or so I’ll do one of my usual Raw recaps, cutting out as much of the guff as possible. Believe it or not, there were some sneaky little moments worth going back over. Don’t believe me? Well, you’ll have to keep checking back to see what they were then.

raw(lite): bespoke suits and amateur tanning

The jury’s still out on the whole guest host thing. It’s a shrewd business move and I’m not necessarily against it, but it would have been nice to see a few more former wrestlers getting a night with the mic. Jobs for the boys and all that. For me, ZZ Top hosting was hideous. But I’m really not a fan of theirs so it felt kind of pointless.

Everyone loves Shaq. Even people like me who get turned off by the whole bad boy thuggery of the NBA and get sick of hearing about King James. So I was certainly looking forward to this one. He didn’t disappoint. In fact, Vince should keep him on the books and snap him up the minute he hangs his high-tops up for good.

Shaq was eager to get to work straight away and set up a 5-man Beat-the-Clock challenge up. Whichever fella beats their opponent the quickest becomes number one contender against Randy Orton at Summerslam. But, oh dear, looks like the be-suited genius that is Chris Jericho has a little beef with Shaq. If someone gets a poster made of Shaq kissing Jericho’s forehead, make me a copy at the same time? I’ll put it up in my office and look at it in moments of general malaise and aggravation. How they both kept from cracking thoughout that segment is beyond me. And the crowd’s spontaneous chanting of CHRIS-TI-NA (Shaq’s new moniker for Jericho) made my heart smile.

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Shaq flicked Jericho away with one finger, so Chris decided to introduce him to his new tag-partner. It would appear that just 24 hours in the company of Chris Jericho has rubbed off on Show. Ooooh, look at him in his stylish bespoke suit.

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Ok, so pretty much every piece of clothing Big Show owns is going to be bespoke. I doubt even High n Hefty or Lofty n Mighty or whatever those shops are called stock Big Show Size as standard. The verbal slanging match between Show and Shaq ping-ponged back and forth beautifully as Shaq challenged Show to a match. Show wriggled his way out of it with a wordy theory on why he would not accept the invitation. Oh and…………

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Shaq was determined to make the tag champs fight SOMEONE that night, so he put Cryme Tyme in front of them, leaving the champs to scuttle away up the ramp.

With that hilarity done and dusted it was time for some fisticuffs and the first man jostling for that number one contender spot was Mark Henry, up against Carlito. Bad luck, Carlito. You drew the short straw on that one. Carlito decided to implement the tactic of flying kicks and piggybacks in the hope that he could topple Henry and keep him down long enough for the pin. But just like a really huge Weeble, Mark Henry rolled back to his feet again and smooshed Carlito in to the canvas. You remember Weebles, right? Those freaky, egg shaped people that always swung back up no matter how much you knocked them down?

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Looks more like a chubby CM Punk weeble than Mark Henry, but you get the idea.

Mark Henry wrapped his hands around Carlito and finished him off in 6 minutes, 49 seconds.

Moving on and the brand new Diva’s Champion, Mickie James, brought Kelly-Kelly and Gail Kim along to take on Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox. This is exciting. No. REALLY! First off, Beth is back and without even a whiff of Santina. Second….err….off (?) a storyline involving Mickie and Beth is a female feud I think people will actually get behind.  Mickie has always held a special place in my heart. Her feud with Trish Stratus was brilliant. I’d love to see something that big again. Do it!

From one blast from the past to another, part two of the Beat the Clock Challenge involved M.V.P vs Chris Masters. Yep! Chris Masters! Back in the ring and clean as a whistle. I’m guessing.  Proof positive that the there is always a road back to WWE.  One thing though, if you’re gonna go down the spray tan route, you need to make sure you get it everywhere. That means lifting your arms when you stand in the tanning booth, Chris. Ask Randy to go with you next time.

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Both were out of the ring too long and were counted out. No M.V.P vs Randy Orton at Summerslam. Shocker!!!

Another break from Beat the Clock – The Brian Kendrick vs Kofi Kingston. Kendrick was giving Jerry Lawler some verbal heat when Kofi Kingston took him out with a kick in the face and ended the match.  A few days later Vince McMahon metaphorically punched Kendrick in the stomach and ended his contract.

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Back to business and it was time for Triple H to take Cody Rhodes on for his ten millionth shot at Randy. But wait, what’s this? Ted DiBiase ran out with some form of truncheon and gave Hunter a big whack on the back of the knee.

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Cody Rhodes did the most camp little run out to the ramp ever (watch it again, you’ll see what I mean) and Triple H limped out to the ring. In the words of my brother, “Triple H has got the best fake limp in the business.” But that’s probably because he’s had a lot of practice with real limps. I believe that’s called method acting.

The match trundled along nicely and I was super impressed when Triple H pulled off a dainty pilates move when he reversed Cody’s figure-4. The countdown was getting close and Triple H really needed to stop messing with his prey and finish the job. But Ted DiBiase reappeared and began doing a strange little leg dance which, with a bit more effort and a few additional spins and head flicks, he could totally have turned in to Jennifer Beals’ Maniac dance in Flashdance. If you’ve never seen it, watch. It is a thing of fitness beauty.

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Same leg movements as Jennifer. Trust me.

At first it seemed odd that DiBiase even got involved in the end of the match. There appeared to be no point to it. But all became clear when Triple H gave his Josh Matthews interview later on. More on that in a bit. Cody was pinned but after the time had expired. No dice for Hunter.

Time for some light relief, so we go to Shaq’s office where he is playing an epic game of scrabble with Santino.  I try not to smile at Santino, but I can’t help it. The Cryme Tyme boys rolled in, bumped fists with Shaq and generally loved all over each other, slipping in to Money, Money, Yeah, Yeah! But Santino felt left out so he threw a Cavs hat on at a jaunty angle, did some rapper-fingers and added his own lyrics. Careful, Tony. You don’t want that Canadian accent to slip through. The Italian’s not so easy to keep up while you’re hippin’ and hoppin’, eh?

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I won’t crush your enthusiasm by speaking about Hornswoggle and Chavo, so I’ll scoot over to the Jack Swagger/Evan Bourne Beat the Clock match. I’ve mentioned my brother a couple of times since being back from the USA, but that’s because he’s been watching wrestling with me again and it’s interesting to hear the views of someone who stopped watching wrestling because they couldn’t handle the silliness of it any more. He REALLY likes Jack Swagger and was impressed by Evan Bourne. Anyone who questions the pushing of all the new collegiate guys has got it wrong. If their hard work and new style can prick the interest of someone who abandoned wrestling can only be a good thing.

The match only lasted about three and a half minutes. Evan Bourne took the pin, so there’ll be no Swagger/Orton at Summerslam. That just leaves John Cena to beat Mark Henry’s time. Hmm. Wonder how that one will turn out?

Triple H was still fuming backstage about Ted sabotaging his match with Cody and vowed to take both of them out by himself next week.  By himself? Really? Seems like an awfully big task to set yourself. He could probably do with some help. From someone who’s refreshed by a long break, maybe? Someone to act as a tag partner? Has Hunter ever been in a tag team?

DIONSSPP

By the way, Triple H mentioned ‘the tail that wags the dog’ in his JM interview. For a perfect explanation of this phrase, watch the Wag the Dog movie.  It’s brilliant. And it’s De Niro and Hoffman (pre-Meet the Fockers). How could you possibly lose?

The final Beat the Clock match was John Cena vs The Miz, with Randy Orton watching from the annouce table.  Not that I would ever dream of complaining, but why was Randy without trousers when he had no involvement in any matches that night?

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The Miz had already dissed various D.C. sporting teams and tried to run Cena’s clock down to force his exclusion from the BTC contest without getting hurt himself.  Didn’t work. John forced Miz to tap out with well over two minutes to spare. Randy joined John in the ring and I went all…..

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Remember several months ago when John and Randy (being BFFs and all) asked the writers if they could work together?  I wrote a post about it. John was even willing to go heel. Looks like they got their wish. And I, for one, am joyous beyond belief.

Final match of the night was Shaq’s special tag match between little and large and Cryme Tyme, with Shaq himself at ringside to keep an eye on proceedings.  All was moving along swimmingly until Show interfered with the pin on Jericho and the match had to be called off.  Shaq was furious. He whipped his shirt off and faced up to Show himself. Show had him in a chokehold, Cryme Tyme came to the rescue and Shaq rolled Show out of the ring. Jericho dashed around and started screeching at Shaq like a Jack Russell defending a Great Dane.

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Best. Raw. In. AGEEEEES. Congratulations, Shackwheel….. as Santino would say.

extreme makeover: wrestlegasm edition

So, I’m just about over the jet-lag now and, as you can see, the site’s had a bit of a makeover. I thought it was time I spruced things up a bit, do a little editing on the About page, start giving an identity to my regular features etc. Hope you like it.

My latest trip to the US was amazing. I got to see parts of the country I’ve never seen before, I proved I could survive in the Northern Michigan woods without WiFi and a TV, I met new people, made fantastic new friends and built up a bank of lovely memories. I also got to spend some time in my beloved Tennessee, which I’m convinced gets prettier every summer. My departure from Nashville airport was as tearful as ever, but hey, I’ll be back in a few months for my young man’s graduation, so not too long before I’m back on Southern soil again. Miss me, America.

My boyfriend's house.....nah..... not really.... just the Kentucky welcome centre.

My boyfriend's house.....nah..... not really.... just the Kentucky welcome centre.

But don’t think that just because I was discovering the New World (for about the eleventh time) I was ignoring the Wrestle World. I was keeping a shifty eye on what was going on.  This week, while unpacking my suitcase back home, I even thought I’d spotted CM Punk on Homes Under the Hammer.……………..

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…but then I realised it was the timezone fog confusing my brain. Punk is way hotter than some random, bearded  property developer. What was I thinking?

So much has happened since I last recapped anything.

We’ve had some obscure guest hosts on Raw:

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CM Punk finally went full-on Straight Edge on our asses:

Uh-oh! Looks like Punk found out about the beer and cigar event I went to at Woody's Smokes and Brews in Franklin.  Sorry, chicken. Still love me?

Uh-oh! Looks like Punk found out about the beer and cigar event I went to at Woody's Smokes and Brews in Franklin. Sorry, chicken. Still love me?

Edge kept Dr. Jim Andrews busy and put an end to Team Canada:

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Triple H rediscovered his sense of humour:

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The Women’s Division was reduce further to fluffy nonsense:

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Way to make me feel fat, Seth Green Bikini Match.

So, now on to Night of Champions. Which reminds me, I need to order it before I go to bed. Time to pull on my new Green Bay Packers pyjamas and settle down. See you in a day or so, people. It’s great to be back at wrestlegasm.  Mwah!