GUEST POST WEEK: the mentor steps in

Hello, Readers!

Your friendly neighbourhood Honourary Dean of Wrestlegasm, (fake) Matt Striker, here. You don’t hear a lot from me, but I guarantee you that since Ray offered me this post, I’ve been working hard behind the scenes, mentoring her daily on how to be a better blogger and just generally how to be a better person. That Andrew undermines my good work at times, but I’m certainly making progress and doing the best I can when I’m not jumping back and forth across the Atlantic.

Unfortunately, my excellent Life Coach methods don’t seem to have stretched to Ray’s organisational skills yet. SIGH! She may have done well to get this week’s Guest Post Week off the ground, but she also completely forgot to arrange for someone to recap the incredible Fatal 4-Way PPV. It was an awesome show which really should be recapped for posterity. To quote Ray herself “It was a show for fans of wrestling, not ‘wrestling fans’.” I taught her everything she knows. Anyway, I received this string of text messages earlier today……

Matt Striker is a fine gentleman and never one to leave a lovely Welsh daffodil in distress, so here I am. By the way, she insists I call her that. She was getting upset that I was constantly calling Layla my ‘Little English Muffin’. Relations between the English and Welsh aren’t rosy, so I obliged. After all, a sobbing student is an inefficient student. Eat your heart out, Will Schuester!

You may have spotted in that run of cell phone messages that today is my 36th birthday. Happy birthday to me! I am a little annoyed at having to work on my birthday, but Ray and Andrew are throwing me a party in the Wrestle Bunker later tonight. I’m told Ray is doing a special rendition of To Sir With Love, so it’s all good. Besides, Ray had to work on her birthday last week, so I guess it all evens out in the end.

Incidentally, as a birthday gift I gave Ray a DVD of the greatest movie ever made – Wise Guys. This comedy gold stars Danny DeVito and……moi! Yes, yours truly was a thespian back in the day, treading the boards of….errrr…… Newark alongside one of the finest comedy actors of our time. Don’t believe me? Here is the beautifully besuited seven year-old Matthew Striker acting everyone else off the screen.

Great days! But that’s enough about what a stupendously good-looking boy I was (and still am). We should get to Fatal 4-Way, which took place last Sunday liiiiiive on payyyyyy per viewwwwww. I LOVE saying that!

The man who appears on our paychecks stepped out to introduce Drew McIntyre, one of the brightest young stars in the WWE. Drew was set to face Kofi Kingston in an attempt to claw back his Intercontinental Championship. These two worked beautifully together, playing with our emotions at each of the several broken pinfalls.

The match took a bizarre turn when the official in the ring was knocked unconscious and Drew insisted that terrified Smackdown GM Teddy Long step into the ring to officiate. Teddy pulled on his striped shirt but refused to play Drew’s dastardly game to help him win. While the sinister Scotsman scolded Teddy, the suspended Matt Hardy showed up to cause a disturbance. A Twist of Fate later and The Chosen One found himself under the weight of Mr. SOS long enough to lose the match.

FAVOURITE THING I SAID DURING THIS MATCH

“Say what you want about Drew’s attitude, it’s McIntyre’s acumen which cannot be denied.”

Following this we had a Divas Fatal 4-Way match, which was a little tricky to commentate on while being stuck next to Jerry Lawler. I persevered, however, mentioning possible submission tactics, winning strategies and so on whenever I could get a word past King’s creepy squealing. Never let it be said that I, Matt Striker, objectify our wonderful Divas. Vickie Guerrero, on the other hand, is another story. Raaaawwwwr!!!

The ladies worked solidly throughout, leaving the vixen-like Alicia Fox our new Divas Champion.

A surprise to most, I presume. I’ll bet that Zack Ryder is wishing he’d stuck with Ms. Fox now. Maybe her success would have rubbed off on him. Associate yourself with successful people and you too will be a success. Just one of the many life rules I’m trying to get Ray to live by.

FAVOURITE THING I SAID DURING THIS MATCH

“Ohhhhhh! The jumping bomb angel double stop!”

My commentary colleagues may have scoffed when I used this to comment on a Gail Kim move, but they’re just jealous of my superior wrestling knowledge. Bow to me, peasants!

I was all ready to call the Smackdown Fatal 4-Way match when Chris Jericho appeared in the ring. Ray, Andrew and myself have all been noticing how very lost Jericho’s been since moving to Raw. The Mental Mastermind should come back to Smackdown, where he flourished. But it’s not for me to suggest draft picks to my superiors. Jericho’s soliloquy (read some Shakespeare, kids) was followed by the appearance of one of the most fearless high-flyers we’ve seen in the WWE in some time – Evan Bourne.

The two had an enthralling match which made me miss being in the ring myself. I believe we’re witnessing what could be a spectacular run for Evan Bourne. Wait! I got another text message from Ray…. here we go:

That pretty much covers it, right?

FAVOURITE THING I SAID DURING THIS MATCH

“Shine on, Evan Bourne. Shine on.”

Said in celebration as an almost surprised Bourne pulled off what could be the greatest win of his career to date. Mark it in your planners, folks. Or whatever piece of modern gadgetry you rely on to function.

After this impromptu union of young buck and experienced veteran, we moved on to the much anticipated Smackdown Fatal 4-Way match. As you can imagine, any match involving the devilish CM Punk, the surprisingly powerful Rey Mysterio, the accomplished Jack Swagger and the might of Big Show could be nothing but epic.

The match ran along with the momentum of a runaway freight train until Kane’s path of rage lead him to the PPV arena. Nobody wanted to feel the wrath of the Big Red Monster. Luke Gallows sneaked out to help CM Punk run out of sight, while Kane picked off some of the other competitors. All this commotion allowed the miniscule Mysterio to trap Jack Swagger and apply the 619 before hearing the 1,2,3. Anything is possible when you have faith, little one. Yes, that is another one of Ray’s morning mantras.

FAVOURITE THING I SAID DURING THIS MATCH

“CM Punk is Mansonian, he’s Koreshian, he’s a master manipulator.”

….because I love the idea of stumping you with adjectives you’ve never heard before.

Shall we take a break from the 4-ways and move to the US title match? I won’t spend too much time on this Miz/R-Truth match. It’s almost time for my first glass of birthday champagne and I need to finish writing this. Miz retained his belt. End of match analysis.

FAVOURITE THING I SAID DURING THIS MATCH

“We call that move the kitchen sink, ’cause there’s really nothing left after that!”

[BOSS LADY RAY'S EDIT: Really?  REALLY?]

REALLY! Now keep that champagne on ice. I’ll be right with you.

The Miz’s victory was followed by a family affair. The Hart Dynasty took on the Usos + Tamina in what turned out to be one of the sleeper matches of the night. I was particularly impressed by Natalya and Tamina’s performances. They’ll certainly shake up some of our more….. modelesque Divas, given the opportunity. It was the ladies, in fact, who finished this match. Natalya pinned Tamina following a tumultuous Tornado Clothesline, to keep the tag belts in Hart hands.

FAVOURITE THING I SAID DURING THIS MATCH

Actually the most awesome things to come from my lips during this match were my intermittent Jimmy Snuka impressions. I’m amazing! Listen back again if you get the chance.

Before we move on to the main event, a quick POP QUIZ. Who is the most handsome man in this picture?

I'll give you a clue, it's not anyone in the direction I'm pointing.

OK, on to the Raw Fatal 4-Way match between…..DAMN! Look at the time! My perfectly spherical champagne bubbles are diminishing by the second. I can cover this match in just one sentence, which is how I so cleverly described it at the event:

“It’s Cena’s psyche vs Randy’s shoulder vs Sheamus’ rage vs Edge’s experience.”

Those vicious NXT graduates began attacking everyone watching in the locker room, which distracted those in the ring. The mob invaded the arena and I made a very quick exit. My ribs have taken quite enough punishment for the time being. Once the chaos began to subside, Sheamus took his opportunity and snuck back to the ring, making the pin to be the new WWE Champion. John Cena was crushed.

Poor guy!

I don’t know what happened after that. I was long gone. And I should be gone now. I hear music. Byeeeeeee…..