raw(lite): the winds of change

If you’re here thinking “Hey! What gives? Where’s the Extreme Rules recap?” Sorry. I’m not doing one. A week has gone by and the draft has changed the landscape of the rosters to the point where most old feuds are over. So it seems a little silly to go back over it. I did enjoy it a lot more than I expected to though. Considering that such little promo was done, somewhat as the result of the Raw roster being stranded in Northern Ireland, there were some great matches. If you missed it, you can read how I felt about the Women’s Title match here. For now, let’s move on to the drafty edition of Raw.

We started with a tag-team title match. At Extreme Rules, ShowMiz had to run a gauntlet of three teams and found themselves having to defend their titles on Raw. If you cast your mind back a few weeks, Bret Hart was supposed to come out and declare that ShowMiz were the greatest tag team of all time. He dutifully completed this task, then presented the next generation on Harts to prove the statement wrong.  They had a fantastic match, which saw the titles change hands when Tyson Kidd locked Miz into a Sharp-Shooter, forcing him to tap out.

And about time too.

Relations between Miz and Big Show weren’t so good. In fact, I’d say their partnership was pretty much over when Big Shown socked Miz right in the jaw.

Time for a draft pick match. Arch-enemies Eve and Maryse were forced to face Team LayCool in a Raw vs Smackdown match, leaving the winner with a diva draft pick. This being a three-hour show, the match went on for much longer than the usual 2.7 seconds allowed for Divas matches on Raw. But Maryse and Eve spent so much time arguing over who should be in the ring at any one time, they dropped their guard and lost the match. So, which lady would be switching to the blue brand?

I deliberately chose this picture because the caption almost covers those shoes. Not good.

Jerry Lawler wanted to slash his wrists at the loss of his favourite perv-bod and Matt Striker scoffed at how he’d be able to perv at her bod on Friday nights from now on; which was weird considering Mr. Striker had mentioned several times during the match how much he values intellect in a woman. Having said that, I think Kelly gets a rough deal sometimes. It’s not her fault Raw do nothing with her. Her wrestling has improved a fair bit over the last year, so maybe being under Beth Phoenix’s wing will take her even further.

Ok, another draft pick match courtesy of Evan Bourne and CM Punk. I’m jumping ahead a bit here, but you already know how this draft panned out, so it doesn’t matter. I’m really disappointed Evan Bourne wasn’t drafted to Smackdown, particularly after watching this match. He’s swallowed up by the big egos of Raw and I can’t see him ever getting the time he deserves. Evan’s jobbing to main eventers continued as CM Punk took the win, earning Smackdown another draft pick. Of course, this was achieved by the second appearance from a mysterious masked man in a Straight Edge Society hoodie. Both Andrew and myself think we know who it is, but for the sake of being surprised, I won’t say for now. Just enjoy the song that runs through my head every time he appears on the screen.

Seriously, where else could you get wrestling and musical theatre in one place? And who, pray tell, did Smackdown draft over?

Oh alright then. Come here and I'll give you a little cuddle. It's a hard life.

Doesn’t seem like an exciting pick, but I guarantee you, come Smackdown it’ll be VERY important.

At Extreme Rules, the HHH vs Sheamus match didn’t quite go as planned. Sheamus hunted Trips down before the match started and caused him some hurt in the hallways.  This lead to many a serious-times look from the commentators and several updates on Triple H’s condition throughout the show. Even though HHH made a valiant attempt at returning, Sheamus still left the show victorious and left The Game in some serious pain. On Raw, Sheamus came out to crow about his victory and claim a title shot. The newest good-guy in town begged to differ.

With no guest host and John Cena still the WWE Champ, someone had to decide upon who should be the No. 1 Contender. John came out, still on a high from retaining the title, and did one of his ace comedy bits. You know the ones. The ones you don’t really want to like, but secretly you’re thinking “What a pro!”

Then he made a No. 1 Contender match for later that night.

With the exception of Rey Mysterio and possibly DiBiase, the next draft pick match was a case of ‘how many midcarders can we squash into the ring at one time in a Rumblesque match’. The two big guns found themselves alone in the ring, with DiBiase finally winning Raw some draft picks. Santino marched past to give his winning team-mate a fanfare, but found himself swiftly brought to the ground, just to ham Ted’s heeliness up a bit. So, which three Smackdown names are transferring to Raw?

So I suppose that’s the end of Edge & Jericho, right? Unless, of course, Jericho gets drafted to Raw. *shifty-eyes* Speaking of Chris Jericho, he was up next against Christian. After a brief moment where he was shown-up  once again by Heath Slater, Jericho regained some of his dignity by winning the match. Another draft pick for Smackdown. This time is waaaaas…..

Easy, Matt Striker. Such an excitable young man.

Matt Striker gets excited about EVERYONE, but moving to Smackdown will be great for Kofi. He’s fallen out of favour since his fantastic feud with Randy Orton. This will give him a whole bunch of new opportunities. From here, the draft picks kept on coming. Our World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger beat new Red Team recruit, John Morrison, allowing Smackdown to draft Christian.

Since ECW ended, Christian’s been kind of lost on Raw. On Smackdown, he can main event again like he should be.

Backstage, Ted DiBiase had just made Carlito an offer he definitely could refuse. But what was it? Well, judging by the offer he made to R-Truth just  moments later, he was on the look-out for a house boy. Someone to carry his bags, cook and clean for him, and generally be his paid man-servant. How very 19th Century! R-Truth thought about it for  a moment, bitch-slapped Teddy round the chops and left him mildly humiliated.

Seriously, WWE? THIS is the road we're going down. This can't end well.

Back to the draft and Hornswoggle vs Dolph Ziggler. I won’t bore you with the details, Hornswoggle won by count-out, but Dolph made sure he was duly hurt before leaving.

Raw’s draft pic was….

Our final match of that night was that No. 1 Contender’s match for the WWE Title between Sheamus and Randy Orton. But someone else felt they had been overlooked. Who?

The three competitors couldn’t agree on who should be allowed in the match, so John Cena just came out and made it a triple threat. Simple. They had their match. It all looked as if Randy was on course for another run against John, but Randy’s everyone’s favourite boy these days. We can’t have face-on-face action. Randy delivered an RKO to Sheamus, but just as he got back to his feet, Edge appeared from nowhere and speared him into oblivion. Dave capitalised on Randy’s misfortune by throwing his arm over the speared one and claiming not only the match but also that No.1 Contender’s spot. It should come as no surprise that Edge’s guest on The Cutting Edge tonight is Randy Orton.

Following the main draft, there was a supplemental draft where the following roster members changed colours:

TO RAW

The Hart Dynasty
Ezekiel Jackson
Goldust
Great Khali

TO SMACKDOWN

MVP
Cody Rhodes
Chris Masters
Chavo Guerrero
Rosa Mendes

At first, I thought Smackdown had been short-changed; especially losing both Edge and Jericho. But having seen last Friday’s Smackdown, I honestly think it’ll be better than ever. They have leaders in Punk, Undertaker, Rey Mysterio and Christian, and they have a bevy of new talent begging for airtime. ‘The Main Event Show’ (otherwise known as Raw) may struggle. The amount of people they need to fit into 90 minutes of airtime is almost unfathomable. We’ll have to sit back and see how it all pans out. Ah I love the draft. It’s like being given a clean sheet of paper. Onwards and upwards!

raw(lite): in my backyard

It has been a progressive week for those of us at wrestlegasm.com….and by ‘us’ I mean me. I made a triumphant return to my driving lessons, the pilates tutor came back from her Easter holidays making me feel all flexi again, it was close but no cigar with regard to meeting Rey Mysterio, and a girl flirted with me while she rubbed a promotional skincare product in to my hands. Yes! A Girl! I was spooked, but she rubbed me nice so I bought the product. Don’t judge. My other half is across the  Atlantic.  I’ll take any physical contact available.

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None of this has anything to do with Raw, so I’d better get started.

The WWE collective made their way over to my fair isle this week as part of their European tour.  I won’t tell you how much it made my heart ache that I couldn’t be in London for Raw and/or Smackdown but I’m still grasping at my chest at regular intervals.  The Cardiff events were house-shows and I doubt anyone that spectacular was there, but still, IT HOITS!

Raw was from the O2 Arena in London this week. Despite my sadness at not being there I was looking forward to being able to watch Monday Night Raw LIVE

  1. on Monday Night
  2. at a reasonable time of the day

Oh how wrong I was. Yes, Raw was in London but I had to wait until 2am for it to be broadcast so that Americans didn’t get annoyed that someone saw it before they did. Pppppfft! Americans. Gotta have everything their own way. Living in the future sucks. No wonder Marty Mcfly went back to 1985 at the end of BTTF 2. And just in case you were unsure whether  Raw was actually in London this week or not, the lame-ass set was there to help you out.

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They should have given me a call. I’m sure I could have come up with a more representative set.

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Anyway, time for some action. The week before they shift over to their new jobs on different brands is always a bit mixed. Welcome to the ‘tying up lose ends’ show. We begin with Mr. Jericho looking rather fetching in another snazzy suit, explaining that we’ve never really understood his brilliance. Honey, I hope you don’t count me in all that. I get your brilliance. I’m all over your brilliance like…ya know. Then we get a visit from Ricky Steamboat.  You know around Wrestlemania when I commented on his possibly hotness?  Errrrm, yeah, I’m gonna need to take that back. Thanks. It was the dad polo under his suit jacket that reversed his appeal. A step too far in to the aged-area.

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Ricky thanked Jericho for challenging the old duffers to a match at WM because it gave him the chance to return to his former glory, which Y2J beat down with a verbal stick, and challenged him to a repeat performance. Pause in the script and whooooooooooop here comes John Cena to put his arm around Steamboat and do a whole “Don’t pick on my mate!” schtick! But he didn’t. Chrissy-boy slinked out of the ring, Ricky Steamboat accepted the Wrestlemania rewind match and John Cena challenged Chris to a match that night. Yuuuuuuum! The two of them shirtless at the same time. Jericho didn’t seem too pleased, but I like to think that’s just because he was worried he wouldn’t look as hunky next to John. John being so enormous and all. It’s alright, sweets, I lust you both equally. Mwah!

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I have no idea what the Chavo Guerrero/Batista bit was all about. An odd comedy time filler. I’ll give it no more of my precious time. Backstage Shane and Dave were lined up to give me my first Man-Hug Moment of the Week but then Shane, like a complete pussy, pulled out at the last minute. Bloody hell Shane, it’s just sweat. It won’t burn your pale Connecticut skin. Doesn’t he realise I LIVE for the man-hugs?

mhm

Next CM Punk Vs Kane. I had been crushing on Punk all week so I was looking forward to his appearance. Ummm, has he always worn those lavender coloured short-shorts, or is it just because I’m paying particular attention to his crotch now that he’s moved up in the hotness league. And why do the light colours seem so much more revealing?  I digress. Punk won the match, proving that wearing lady knickers is conducive to success.

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I’m still maintaining my Santino Embargo, so I won’t say anything about it. Melina beat Beth in her last match on Raw and we’re backstage again with Shane and Triple H. They DID have a man hug moment but I’m pissed off with Shane for retreating from the first one so I’m not giving him the satisfaction of being in another. Let that be a lesson to you, Sir.

On we go and it’s time for John Cena and Chris Jericho.  Good God – I think I died and went to meat-head heaven.  Speaking of meat…………ok I was gonna make a joke about me being the filling in their sandwich but it’s just too obvious.

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The crowd revealed themselves to be unmistakably British during this match. This country hates a good-guy. Seriously, when someone does really well the first reaction of this nation is to bring them down. No wonder we have national self-esteem issues. Maybe that’s why I loves me some USA. I like championing things. The crowd – they boo JC, then they love him.  They chant expletives at him, then they’re all “Ohhh yooou caaaan’t seeee meee!” Make your mind up, London.

In actual wrestling terms it was a pretty good match. Between the physical strength of JC and Jericho’s imaginative moves, it made for an entertaining dalliance, both chucking in their signature moves, both battling like troopers, even if it didn’t really mean anything. It all fell apart when Edge, the ultimate opportunist (thanks, Michael Cole),  interfered and left Johnny lying in the ring. He battered him some more before dragging in some of those special “steel” chairs. Instead of smashing John’s face in with furniture, he just counted him out for ten. Phew! John’s lips are safe!

edge

On to Rey Mysterio Vs Big Show.  You know what I love about wrestling? That logic plays no part whatsoever. Your educated brain says that the biggest guy in the company could not possibly lose to the tiniest, and yet your wrestling fan brain says “You go for it little-guy. We believe in you!” On this occasion Big Show won. It’s ok, Rey. You’ll live to fight another day. Actually he did. He was in Cardiff the next day signing encyclopedias. SOB!

We finish with our main event of the night.  Am I the only one getting fed up with the whole McMahon family Vs Legacy tripe? I loved it at first but when Triple H won the belt back at WM I started to lose heart. Maybe the peeps in charge have started to realise we’re getting bored because in the middle of Hunter’s entrance they paused to give us a random web-traffic statistic.

We interrupt scheduled programming for this important announcement: Boys like wrestling more than they like Oprah!

We interrupt scheduled programming for this important announcement: Boys like wrestling more than they like Oprah!

Why are they doing Triple H/Orton now? Aren’t we gonna see it ALL OVER AGAIN ON SUNDAY? Well, Monday for me. The match was fine but my storyline related grumpiness overshadowed the moves. It ended in a mass brawl with everyone involved in the Sunday main event knocking lumps out of each other.  Shane’s rolling punches and jabs are hilarious. He was most definitely born in the wrong age.

Randy pinned The Game and feigned a thigh injury to end the night. *bad sigh* Thank god this story comes to an end at the weekend. Sheesh!

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE SHOW

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This little dude. He has no idea what a sycophant is, but he knows he should be booing Chris Jericho when he says it. Awww.

Raw(Lite): It’s Getting Drafty in hurrr

Soooo, it’s all been happening in the WWE this week.  Let’s start with Raw and the annual WWE draft.  Just like any long-running TV soap, there are a few regular stories that keep things ticking along but, essentially, tonight is all about the draft – management shaking up the snowglobe of superstars and watching those sparkly boys and girls fall in a different spot to where they once settled.

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Last year it was all about shifting things around so that the spread was a little more even and every brand not being treated as Raw’s bitch. I wondered how it would all pan out this time around. I was super-excited. That moment where the screen starts speedily flicking through all those faces makes my fingers tingle. Being that I’m a few hours ahead of the American broadcast, I had to go to sleep while it was going on. Boo! I went to bed singing……………………………

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Lots to get through, so let’s get cut the crooning and cracking. The first draft pick of the night was to be decided by Rey Mysterio (Raw) and Evan Bourne (ECW).  Evan Bourne is cur-ute. I think I need to start paying more attention to ECW. Really. In fact, excuse me while I check my Sky+ planner to see when it’s on……ok, I’m back.  Rey Mysterio pinned Bourne and won the first picky for Raw. This early in the show it’s gonna be someone fairly low-rent. It waaaaas…..

mvp1

MVP. Hmm. Ok. I have no real feelings either way regarding MVP, other than he has some of the lamest entrance music in the WWE. Get some cool music and I might kinda like ya. Totally up to you. You either want my love or you don’t. I’m guessing he couldnt care less about my love, but whatever. On we go.

Kane (Raw)  Vs The Brian Kendrick (Smackdown). A mis-match if ever I saw one but, as we know, size doesn’t matter in the WWE. It’s not what you got but what you do with it. And, errr, *whispering*who the writers say will win. Ahem.  Kane won fairly swiftly and scooped another draft pick for Raw.  Is wasssss……

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Yeah. Fine. Whatever. I suppose all that pre-Wrestlemania stuff won him a spot on Raw.Ummm, bravo Big Show?

After Randy Orton had a verbal tustle with Mrs. Guerrero (see my last post for the video) it was time for a little behind-the-curtain fun, and you should know by now it’s my favourite source of humour. So there’s John Cena, you know, just hanging out, chillin’, illin’, chit-chatting with one of the production crew when all of a sudden…………….

Ahhhhhhh. I love when John cracks jokes. THE CHAMP IS HERE. HEEEEERE! *sigh* I also love when he puts together a little combo of hilarity and seriousness. Yes, Jack Swagger, you ARE punk kid who likes to run his mouth. John will give you a lil lesson on respect! Because he said so. And because I said so too. I love when we think the same thoughts. :D

Time for a dollop of Diva action. Michelle McCool/Natalya/Maryse  Vs Kelly-Kelly, Melina and Mickie James for another draft pick. Oooooh check out Todd Grisham being all King-Like. Melina can lick your stamps any time? Reeeeeoooaw! You naughty boy, Todd. Well, as you said yourself young man, you’d better get that vintage stamp collection out from under your bed ’cause the Smackdown ladies kicked some tail and Melina got drafted over. Don’t let your glasses get all steamed up, Toddy.

melina

Neeeeext! Two draft picks on the line with John Cena (Raw) and Jack Swagger (ECW).  Much as I doubted it, I kind of thought they’d let Swagger win; to give two picks to ECW and to introduce Swagger to those who don’t know who he is. Oh Ray, don’t be foolish. John Cena won. Of course. It was, however, one of the longest matches of the night, so maybe that was their way of saying “Dear all, this is Jack Swagger. Get used to him, he’ll be around for a while.” So, the picks. Which too vagabonds made their way to Raw?

mhardydraftActually, Matthew Hardy, I CAN see you, but I don’t wanna.  Put your hand down before John puts it somewhere the sun don’t shine. Who’s next?

hhhdraft

Oh no! Triple H goes back to Raw. Well, I’m not surprised.  Observe that smug look on his chops. It says “I’m going back to Raw because I can do whatever the hell I wanna do! I married the chairman’s daughter. What are you gonna do about it, bitch?” Ok, I’m starting to feel annoyed for Smackdown and ECW now. Big hugs to everyone on SD and ECW. Yeah, because giving hugs is such a chore for me. Edge attacked John Cena from behind (to remind us of the bigger picture) and on we go. Randy Orton is still feeling anxious backstage and he seeks the comfort of his foot-soldiers – Rhodes and DiBiase. They delight him with their plan. He likes it. He likes it a lot. Time for some more drafty-drafty.

Santino Marella (Raw) Vs Khali (Smackdown) in one of the most ludicrous storylines I’ve witnessed in ages. So, I won’t talk about it, I’ll just say that Khali won, FINALLY getting another pick for weary Smackdown. And let me say, I am VEEERY pleased with this one.

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I know people get a bit miffed when their faves get drafted to (allegedly) lesser brands, but I love seeing top peeps on Smackdown. I’ll be watching it anyway, so having lovely boys to look forward to is a nifty little bonus. CM Punk is a big, juicy bonus. Yuuuuummm.

Onwards and upwards for The Miz (ECW) and Kofi Kingston (Raw).  Kofi won. Raw won. AGAIN. Urgh! And the pick izzzz……The Miz. JUST The Miz. No Mr. Morrison to hold his hand. Uh-oh! Michael Cole said it best “THE BROMANCE IS OVER”. It was so “DUUUUUDE! NOOOO!” Aaaand it produced a man-hug moment, which you know I can’t get enough of.

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But then it all went horribly wrong. The Miz, drunk on success, turned on Morrison and left him writhing in agony in the ring. Oh dear. Miz. You’ve chaaaanged, man.miz

Next a Battle Royal involving all three brands, which left Big Show (in his new Raw colours) and Edge alone. Edge flipped Show over the ropes to win two draft picks for Smackdown. Ok, now things are looking up for SD. Numero uno……..

kane

Ok. Fine. I don’t care much for Kane. I don’t dislike him, I just don’t care when he gets involved in stuff.  He should never have taken his mask off. I liked him better when I thought there was a hideous creature under there.  Back in the day he gave me the spooks. Now? Nah! And secondly………………

jericho

AAAAAAAARRRGHHHH! YES! MY GUY! CHRIS JERICHO. I know there were LOTS of people unhappy with this one, but really, there’s only so much greatness you can fit in to Raw.  On Smackdown he’ll get a, much deserved, bigger slice of the pie. And just imagine, an All-Canadian alliance between Edge and Jericho. Excuse me while I use the cuff of my hoodie to wipe the sides of my mouth.

On we go. Whew! This draft is looooong! My fingers are getting weary. But I will keep going. For you. Aww. I’m nice. Next we have Christian (ECW) Vs Shelton Benjamin (Smackdown).  Let me just say, I’m loving that Christian is back. He funny boy. The good kind of funny. Take note Marella. Anyway, the match. Christian won and ECW got a draft pick. FINALLY. It was Vladimir Koslov.  THANK GOD. Fellas, listen up. If you’re not REALLY FUCKING HOT, don’t wear white briefs in public. If you do, you run the risk of being drafted to ECW where nobody will see you. Got it? Good.koslov

How many are we up to now? Oh I’ve lost count. Next, CM Punk (now Smackdown) and Matt Hardy (now Raw). Matt took Punk out and Raw drafted……

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Yeah, well, you can’t have two belts on one brand, so fairly predictable. NEEEEEEXT!

My honey, Chris Jericho, is back, now representing Smackdown, and is taking on Tommy Dreamer from ECW. Jericho won (poor ECW) and, in a flip-reverse-thingy from last year’s draft, Smackdown clawed back……

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YEEEEY FOR REEEEEY! I love Rey. 33.3% because we have the same name (with different spelling), 33.3%  because he’s good to the kids when he does his ringwalk, 33.3% because he jumps so bloody high in the atmosphere. Smackdown is Rey’s home. I’m glad he gets to go to back to from whence he came.

The draft is over! Phew!  I need a stiff drink after all that. And a tiny little cushion for my battered finger-tips. I wonder if Chris Jericho’s pecs would make a nice finger cushion. Or how about a lip cushion…..yes. Excuse me, I need a moment to think about that…….

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Oh. Hai. You’re still here. Sorry about that. Triple H, Batista and Shane O’Mac took on Legacy in the final match of the night. No draft picks on the line, just a little thing called the WWE Title.  Triple H made the pin, leaving him to take on Randy Orton next week.  Sorry that part’s so short, but it kind of played second-fiddle to the draft this week.

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE SHOW

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This dude, looking like a teenage boy who’s just transfered from an all-boys grammar school to a mixed boys-n-girls school in the city. Yes, boy, those are breasts. All women have them.

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By the way there was a supplemental draft on Wednesday. Make of this what you will, I’m off to pour a nice drink……..

Kennedy to Raw

Shad Gaspard to Smackdown

Alicia Fox to Smackdown

-Primo to Raw

Mike Knox to Smackdown

Ezekiel Jackson to ECW

Nikki Bellato Raw

Candice Michelle to Smackdown

Zach Ryder to ECW

Chavo Guererro to Raw

Ricky Ortiz to Smackdown

Layla to Smackdown

Hornswoggle to Raw

DH Smith to ECW

John Morrison to Smackdown

Carlito to Raw

Natalya to ECW

Festus to Raw

JTG to Smackdown

Dolph Ziggler to Smackdown

Brian Kendrick to Raw

Charlie Haas to Smackdown

Hurricane Helms to ECW

Brie Bella to Raw