Adam and Matt, the LOL, Wresslin’ Laugh Twins have been gone for a while. We’re sad too. Fortunately for you, we’re doing Ray a favor.
For a theme song to accompany this post please press play and enjoy…
[BOSS LADY RAY’S EDIT: To the person who made this video, the hideous images of drunken scumbags lying in the street at the beginning of your video are from a series of photographs by Maciej Dakowicz depicting Cardiff’s St Mary’s Street at night. So those gross people are Welsh, not English. Hah! Wait…. forget I said anything. They’re English. Totally English.]
There were many questions that we were asked during our tenure as “Preeminent Wrestling Comedy Bloggers For All Time.” One of the most common we got after “Why are you so awesome?” and “wutz teh ghey butt secks like?” was “What’s all this earth-53 nonsense you talk about? I mean, I get that that’s what you call the professional wrestling universe, but why exactly earth-53?” Well non-existent fan we just made up, allow us to drop some science on you and edukate your feeble mind.
What’s one thing that we love almost as much as professional wrestling? COMIC BOOKS! Which honestly, is not that much of a stretch when you think about. A large percentage of wrestlers love comics, and a few have even wrote some. Like our (not) favorite, Raven! In fact, he co-wrote Spiderman’s Tangled Web #14 with Brian Azzarello! Brian Azzarello is a pretty amazing writer, and that one shot story in a third tier Marvel comic was about the pro wrestler Spiderman defeated in his origin story, so clearly this was an impressive feat. We’re sure the drug addict who bet on himself in WCW’s annual death pool was writing panel descriptions when the author of the acclaimed 100 Bullets just hung out. Clearly that’s what happened.
Regardless, earth-53 is our allusion to DC’s multiverse. Try and stay with us here as we attempt to open your mind. Back in the 1940’s Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, The Flash, The Atom, and all the rest of the “Golden Age” fought the Nazis in World War II. After that ended most kids didn’t care about super heroes except for Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. They kept being published while the rest all stopped. Then, in the 1960’s, DC brought back the Flash, Green Lantern, The Atom, and all the rest, but as different characters. Same powers, more science based secret origins and different secret identities. But they still hung out with Batman and the other two. Now, by this point, Batman is in his 50’s, since we can safely assume he’s around 30 when he started being Batman. But kids don’t want a 50 year old Batman! How do we reconcile this conundrum?
Simple! A multi-verse was born! All the World War II superheroes are on earth-2, while all the young hip ones are on earth-1. In fact, earth-2 allowed for superheroes to age and have kids and all that fun stuff.
Of course, why stop there? If two earths are good, then surely MORE earths are better (this is the same thought pattern people with addiction have). So earth-3 was born, where all the heroes were villains! And earth-4, where World War II was still going on, and a literal Uncle Sam was fighting.
They went so avante-garde meta that there was an earth-X, which was the reader’s universe and the only superheroes were in comic books, EXCEPT FOR ONE KID NAMED CLARK KENT WHO WOULD BECOME SUPERMAN!
Anyway, this doesn’t seem to complicated, and it wasn’t as if they were publishing a million different comics for a million different universes. It was more of a special event when they crossed over. There shouldn’t be much confusion, but alas, DC felt that we couldn’t understand this. So the solution? Crisis on Infinite Earths.
Basically, in an effort to simplify things, DC created a 12 issue series where every character ever interacts because all the universes are dying. Eventually, a bunch of universes die and there was only one left with it’s own new history that DC filled in as it went and it actually made less sense. But whatever, that’s the status quo.
Then in 2005, they decided to undo this, have a whole new confusing series, followed by a year long, weekly comic series called 52 (which was awesome), and at the very end it reestablished the mutli-verse, but with only 52 set universes. Hence, wrestling is what we dub earth-53. The mystery has been solved!
BUT IT DOESN’T END THERE.
No, the link between wrestling and comics will never die. Look at TNA today. We all know the mere fact that Hogan and Flair (and granted, they’re being downplayed recently) are the main event draw is laughably terrible, and it seems that all of their “big announcements” are a concession of failure (Because YOU demanded it, Thursday is TNA night! No more PPV’s, only Sunday live specials on Spike!). But what is the big issue between Hogan and Flair in TNA? Why, WWE Hall of Fame rings. This is significant for a number of reasons.
One of DC’s biggest characters (and the base of an upcoming Ryan Reynolds flick) is The Green Lantern. To summarize, the Green Lantern is a sort of intergalactic beat cop, who has a magic ring powered by his own will power. This concept has continued on to represent other colors/emotions (because for some reason will power is an emotion) like red/rage, yellow/fear, blue/hope (again, not an emotion), and the rest of ROY G BIV. Thin concept, for sure, but hey, MAGIC RINGS!
Well that’s what’s going on with Abyss right now. Hogan gave him a magic ring and now the power of Hulkamania runs through him (if Hulkamania is just red and yellow and that cheap “American Made” knock off WCW had in the early 90’s.) Yes, it’s The Hogan Corps. And then Flair, (who surprisingly has not pawned off his Hall of Fame ring) was mad that AJ Styles didn’t get a Hall of Fame ring, and lost his, and Jay Lethal or something?
Yea, it’s dumb.
If you need further proof watch this:
All that being said, we seriously wish someone would write Hulkamania Corp and Flair Corp oaths.
The combination of wrestling and comics is very similar to heroin, which is to say, it’s wonderful. Both require a back story and a sense of internal continuity that is never adhered to, both struggle for cultural legitimacy so much that they let Hollywood outsiders come and write them, and both are the only interests Hurricane Helms has in life. Ok, that last one’s not true. He also likes drinking too much and getting Matt Hardy cheeseburgers.
Because he’s fat. Get it?