After the chaos of Raw, the exciting comeback and then speedy sacking of Mr. Kennedy, sitting down to watch Smackdown felt like a snuggly cuddle from a nice boy. Thanks, Smackdown. I can always rely on you.
SD got going with Rey Mysterio, ’cause he’s from California. And they’re in California. Makes sense. He told us that, despite criticism over his choice to have a dangerous No Holds Barred match against Chris Jericho at Extreme Rules, he thought it would be ‘off the hook’. NHB would allow him to beat Jericho using the 619, 213, 323, 310 and even the 818. Oooooh, the 818 is EXTWEEEEM. What is this, a game of NumberWang?
Jericho interrupted and came out to scoff at Mysterio using that common American phrase “Off the hook”. Chris, I love you babe, but I don’t think you should be picking on Rey when you, for the second week running, have used the word ‘gelatinous’ as an insult. Not particularly offensive and, maybe it’s just me, but sometimes gelatinous things can be pleasant. Observe……
Oh, yeah, and Mickey Rourke was in the audience. Nothing more to say about that
Jericho offended Mysterio’s heritage and threatened to commit the ultimate anti-Mexico crime and de-mask him at Extreme Rules. He said he was going to expose Rey for what he really is. No need to go to all that trouble. I’ll do it for you
It all kicked off, they started brawling and Jericho made a hasty retreat to the ramp.
R-Truth and Khali tag-teamed against Mike Knox and Dolph Ziggler. I tried to concentrate on the match but the fact that R-Truth made Khali do a hip-hop dance and rap along with him made it impossible. It was vile.
Ladies next. Alicia Fox finally got a match to call her own, but it was against Melina, and the pecking order suggests that Ms. Fox is about to get boxed in to a pulp. She was accompanied to the ring by her BFF, Michelle McCool, who looked so amazing I almost gave up on life.
I can’t compete with that. I’m not sure I even wanna BE her any more. I think I just wanna DO her. And I’m not even INTO girls. But does that mean I wanna do myself? Someone pass me something gelatinous and I’ll find out. No, not the Jelly Fish. That’s just silly. Wait, I think I do just wanna BE her. Not only does she look amazing and manages to walk un-aided down a steep ramp in Eff-Me Heels, but JR also reminded us that Michelle has a Masters degree. That’s it. I’m dead. As a doornail.
There’s gotta be a downside to being Michelle McCool, hasn’t there? Oh yeah, she’s shacked up with the Undertaker. Imagine all that eyeliner spread over the pillowcase in the morning! Ok, I am restored.
Riiiight, so yeah, there was a match going on too. I was correct, Alicia got her head handed to her. Michelle jumped in at the end to help her out but got distracted by the Women’s Title belt and started glaring at it like someone just told her it was ok to eat a Breakfast Baguette. It’s so NOT ok, by the way. Shame on me. Melina snatched the belt back and Michelle indicated that she was coming after it.
After a backstage promo from John Morrison and a PPV promo for the Jeff/Edge ladder match, Jeff ran in to the arena sporting a flashy new blonde hair-do. Ok, that’s it. I’m going blonde again. Not anywhere near as Marilyn Monroe as I used to be, but I AM going to be blonde again.
He spoke for a few minutes about how ladder matches are his comfort zone, and left. I don’t know how anyone can feel comfortable throwing themselves off a ladder, but whatevs. As Jeff groped at fans lined along the ramp, Umaga started wobbling down it, whipping strap in-hand. JR said “Jeff Hardy showing some restraint there and some intelligence, staying away from a Samoan with a leather strap.” So that’s why I keep being whooped by Umaga’s leather strap. I should show some restraint and stop poking him with a stick. I’m so unintelligent. I wish I was more like Jeff.
Jeff left and John Morrison joined Umaga in the ring. LOOOOONG match. Although, for an Umaga match it was pretty good. Morrison carried him. Not, literally, he’s not John Cena. But John Morrison’s immense athleticism made it worthwhile, and I never would have thought they’d have complimented each other in the ring. Umaga was DQ’d for using his Samoan strap and it was looking like ‘lights out’ for Morrison, who found himself suspended upside-down from the turnbuckle. Have no fear, Shamen, your new bromance buddy, CM Punk, will save you.
Punk ran in, hit Umaga in the face with his plastic briefcase and sent him packing. Briefcase to the cranium! Briefcase to the cranium! The ref released Morrison, Punk took his shirt off (YESSSSS) and………. OMG, he’s STILL wearing those dusky blue trunks. Honey, give them to me. They must need washing by now. I’ll even hand wash them if you’re that worried about shrinkage. The things you do for love, eh?
You know what you need when you’re in a rage? You need Todd Grisham to shove a microphone in your face. Which is exactly what happened to CM Punk. Reading between the lines, it’s not looking so hot for Punk at Extreme Rules. Allow me to summarise the interview in table form:
And then he looked straight in to the camera, spoke directly to me, and I was TOTALLY in his hotness corner again.
Not that I was ever in Umaga’s corner but, you know, it was looking dodgy for a moment there.
Cryme Tyme fought Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas, but I doubt you want to hear about that, so I’ll skip. It was boring. Benjamin got the cover. Eve and Layla finally tried to settle their differences in the ring because, you know, the dance-off, the arm-wrestle and the baby powder in the hair event didn’t do the job. It was horrible. HO-RRI-BLE. The winner was Eve, but the medals should actually have been awarded to Jim Ross and Todd Grisham, who both managed to keep talking through the ‘match’.
“This is a hair-pulling, fingernail scratching type match.” = SHIT
Backstage, Edge and Chris Jericho were supposed to be preparing for a tag-team match against Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy. But Edge and Jericho had a little tiff and Chris did the whole “if you’re not gonna apologise you can sleep by yourself tonight” thing and pulled out of the match.
Edge was left standing alone in the ring and Rey Mysterio’s music hit. Edge was going to have to manage this one by himself. Rey did his usual thing of touching foreheads with the masked kids along the jetway and gave his purple mask fringe to the penultimate child in the row. He moved on to bump noggins with the last kid, but the REALLY BIG BOY attacked. For about half a second I really thought a fan was slapping Rey, but I soon realised that had this ACTUALLY happened, the wrestle peeps on Twitter would have been talking about it when I woke up on Wednesday morning. It was in fact Chris Jericho dressed up like a Mysterio super-fan. Chris Jericho: teeny-tiny enough to pass for a child. Jeff ran in and tried to help, but things were looking bleak for Rey and he was carted off with his mask in tatters.
So it appears that Edge and Jericho were in cahoots (I love that word) and were hoping to take Mysterio out, leaving the match void. But they hadn’t banked on Jeff Hardy agreeing to continue with the match as a two-on-one. The match went as expected, with Edge pinning Jeff for the win. But Edge wasn’t done and dragged a giant ladder in to the ring, rolled Jeff in between the two sides and squashed him like a fly under a swatter.