that’s quite enough, thank you
November 21, 2009 at 8:02 pm | In Being Serious for a Moment, Beth Phoenix, Layla, Michelle McCool, Mickie James, Raw, Smackdown, WWE, Women's Issues | 2 CommentsTags: Michelle McCool, Mickie James, Raw, Smackdown, WRESTLING, WWE
On last week’s Smackdown, Mickie James was ‘reduced to tears’ when Michelle McCool and Layla interrupted her match against Natalya by cutting her clothes to pieces with some dressmaking scissors.
I didn’t like it, but I made a joke of it and chalked it up as another lame Diva storyline that might end up with Mickie beating Michelle McCool for the Women’s Title somewhere down the line. But this week the silliness didn’t just continue, it became infuriating. To the point where I feel embarrassed for the women involved.
The main premise was that following a pitifully short but victorious match against Layla , Mickie James was pointed in the direction of the titantron by her opponent. There she was met with a pre-recorded cartoony video of Michelle McCool referring to Mickie as ‘Piggy James’. McCool proceeded to sing her own version of ‘Old McDonald Had a Farm’, replacing McDonald with McCool and singing that Mickie was the newest piggy on her farm. This left Mickie James to walk out of the arena dejected and in tears.
I’m not stupid. I’ve watched wrestling for a long time. I understand that this is a work. All professional wrestling in the ’sports-entertainment’ stable is based on very basic principles. There is a good guy/girl, a bad guy/girl, and ultimately good will prevail over evil. How and when each feud reaches that conclusion is down to the creative team, but the story will reach the same conclusion almost every time. Mickie James will, no doubt, get her revenge on Michelle McCool and Layla, we’ll all cheer and the story will be done and dusted. But there’s something more important going on here and I’m concerned about what it means for women in the WWE.
The most obvious reason for this storyline is that Mickie James’ shift from Raw to Smackdown during the recent Divas draft was down to the fact that she has become overweight. But that theory makes no sense. Firstly, I saw Mickie James in person a couple of weeks ago. She isn’t even close to being overweight. She looks incredibly healthy. You could possibly say that her work rate has very marginally decreased, but I would be more inclined to attribute that to the lack of time given to Divas matches than to Mickie’s actual wrestling talent. Also, Smackdown is by far the superior wrestling show. Its mainstream media profile may be lower than Raw, especially since the introduction of the celebrity guest host feature, but among the wrestling community Smackdown has rarely missed the mark in recent months and I look forward to it more than any other brand. If being drafted to Smackdown is such a punishment, why would Beth Phoenix, debatably the most talented female wrestler in the entire company, be drafted at the same time? All indications were that Smackdown would be the place to go for strong, exciting female competition. Unfortunately, this is turning out to be painfully untrue.
I’m not too worried about Mickie James’ state of mind. Wrestlers are actors. They can summon up tears in the same way they can limp up the ramp with a fake knee injury. And I suspect Mickie had to agree to this storyline before it got started. But what worries me is that all Creative can come up with for these talented women is a sniping, catty, bitchy feud revolving around clothes, weight gain, the importance of physical appearance. Gender stereotyping in its purest form. Very little importance is placed upon the actual wrestling. I’m all for jokes and silliness. This website is based on just that and if you’re not taking wrestling with a pinch of salt, you should probably navigate to a different form of entertainment. Whether you’re a fan or a superstar you certainly need tough skin, however deeply involved with this industry you happen to be.
But what message does this ‘piggy’ story send out to the kids who watch wrestling? Personally, I preferred when wrestling was targeted at adults. I came to it during the Attitude Era when anything was fair game. As an adult, I found that exciting. But if WWE are making the shrewd business move of marketing their product to children, they need to think more carefully about how children might interpret the storylines they throw out there. When I watched Mickie’s entrance I was happy to see this little girl in the crowd.
It’s nice to see girls cheering for girls as well as the male wrestlers. But I wonder what she made of seeing Michelle McCool’s nursery rhyme based attack on her heroine. You’re a fat pig, you should feel ashamed and cry about it? I wouldn’t want any daughter of mine exposed to that. Of course, Mickie will eventually overcome the bullies and deliver a message of positivity. But this feud isn’t sitting comfortably with me at the moment. Women in general are bombarded with negative media and fashion industry messages concerning physical beauty, largely that physical beauty equals personal success and anything less than airbrushed perfection is failure. To a certain extent, physical appearance is an important theme within wrestling for both men and women. Wrestling’s connection to the bodybuilding and fitness industries suggests that a certain level of fitness and muscle tone are required as standard. But women within the WWE are held to higher physical standards than men. Men get away with carrying extra pounds in a way that women do not.
I’m not opposed to female feuds. On the contrary, I want to see more made of the exchanges between the women on the roster so that fans will start caring about the matches. I want that snowball to start rolling. But the methods and ideas currently used within these storylines are both lazy and outdated. Batista and Rey Mysterio’s current intense battle is based upon the breakdown of a long-standing friendship. CM Punk’s fight with R-Truth is based on the fact that Punk claims to be morally and socially superior to Truth. His feud with Jeff Hardy ran along similar lines. Mickie James’ feud with Michelle McCool is based on the suggestion that she is fat and her two bullies aren’t. There is no clever characterisation. No depth. No narrative. It’s insulting. Not necessarily to Mickie James, because she can take it on the chin, but to the audience. Women care about physical appearance above all else, right? So let’s just throw that out there and spend the rest of our time coming up with clever insults for CM Punk to chuck at the audience. It’s so very wrong.
According to a piece I read on Diva-Dirt.com earlier today, the piggy storyline also pertains to some concern among WWE management that Mickie James has an interest in pursuing a career beyond the company. If this happens to be true, I wish her good luck. A wrestler’s career is short and could be ended at any moment by serious injury. The in-ring career of any wrestler, male or female, will not take them through to their pension. A back-up plan is required. Today’s young, college educated talent have a Bachelor’s degree and in some cases a Masters degree to fall back on. I doubt we’ll see Dolph Ziggler and John Morrison ripping each other to pieces on an overseas tour into their late fifties and sixties. They have options. Flair and Hogan do not.
Female careers in wrestling are even shorter. The importance placed on youthful looking women within the WWE means that their shelf-life is significantly shorter than that of their male counterparts. The Undertaker, Triple H and Shawn Michaels are all headlining well into their forties. Can we say with any confidence that Michelle McCool, Mickie James and Layla will still be wrestling into their forties? There are all kinds of issues concerning why women don’t reach positions of prominence in the workplace, not just in wrestling but in the Western workplace as a whole. One argument, for example, is that women are more likely to leave their jobs when starting a family and are less likely to return to full-time work until after their children reach school age than their male equivalents.
These issues are far too complex to discuss here, but it’s interesting that Lillian Garcia recently left the WWE because she was getting married and wanted to start a new chapter in her life. Vickie Guerrero took several months off work because she felt she was travelling too much and needed to spend more time with her children. We rarely hear of male superstars taking this kind of action. Two of the WWE’s most popular Divas, Trish Stratus and Lita, both left to forge successful careers in other industries. If Mickie James’ career aspirations lie elsewhere, why should she be denied that opportunity? WWE seem to have few plans to develop their women’s division, yet as soon as one of its most popular female stars expresses the tiniest indication that she might leave, they object. Like I say, I’m only responding to a rumour I read elsewhere, which may be untrue. But if it is true it’s extremely bad form and I’d like to see them give Mickie and her female colleagues a reason to stay, rather than punishing them for wanting to leave.
I don’t often write long, serious posts such as this. My mission statement has always been to look on the lighter side of the industry and find the comedy in the product the WWE put out there. But sometimes seemingly small developments make me angry and I have to get them off my chest. This has been one of those occasions. Normal, comedic service will resume with the Raw and Smackdown recaps.
raw(lite): oh canada! oh jericho! ohhhhh yessss!
August 15, 2009 at 1:37 am | In Alicia Fox, Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Chris Jericho, Chris Masters, Cody Rhodes, Evan Bourne, Gail Kim, Guest Hosts, Hornswoggle, Jack Swagger, John Cena, Josh Matthews, Kelly-Kelly, Legacy, MVP, Randy Orton, Raw, Shawn Michaels, Ted DiBiase Jnr, The Miz, WWE | 1 CommentTags: Raw, WRESTLING, WWE
In theory, this post should have been up on Tuesday. Thursday, at the latest. But I actually found myself spending my evenings doing some research for a piece for college this week, so it’s been delayed. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I took my laptop to bed last night to finish this post and ended up falling asleep with a copy of Rock Sound Magazine open on my lap. Nothing at all.
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This week’s Raw was comforting. It was a reminder that the show can function very nicely without the crutch of a two-bit celebrity and a reminder that all the talent they need is right there already on the roster. Ok, Sergeant Slaughter isn’t technically on the roster but you get what I mean. Was it the greatest Raw? Not even close. But it was a marked improvement on last week’s show, which gives me good feelings all over.
We started with Randy Orton, in the ring, belt aloft, beautiful. Randy has been kind of out of the loop the past week or so, what with all the celebrity interference. Or maybe I just missed him. Or maybe his thighs just got extra spectacular since last week.
Well done, babe. I was right behind you. I did 6.4
So what we have here is your classic PPV promo segment. Hallelujah! You’re kind of late to the Summerslam party, Raw, but let’s boogie! Randy began by reasserting his super-heel status via the belittlement of the Calgary audience.The ‘YOU SUCK’ chants erupted around the arena, which Randy TOTALLY got off on. His microphone almost got some very exclusive ‘oral pleasure’.
He also made it clear that he would be making mincemeat of John Cena at Summerslam, contrary to the rumours circulating that John had the upper hand. John, as you would expect, had a response. So he made his angry way to the ring. Uh-oh! John is pissed. ROYALLY pissed. I have a feeling his temper may blow its banks, causing my insides explode from the excitement. KABOOOOOOOM!
Wow! I haven’t seen John this furious since his mini-feud with Edge after Wrestlemania. It’s possible that I may have made a WHEEEEEE kind of sound while this little piece was going on. Make that ‘probable’. I was getting tense just watching all that up-close jaw clenching. John got all up in Randy’s chops and it was a battle of wills to see who would go in for the kiss first.
Much to my overwhelming disappointment, the imminent smooch was rudely interupted by Chris Jericho and Big Show. But my initial feeling of irritation was quickly replaced with delight at seeing Jericho’s new suit. I believe my Twitter went something like………..
Speaking of Twitter, in the early hours of Monday morning, Mr. Chris Jericho was partaking in some rather amusing drunk tweeting. Due to my living seven hours ahead of Calgary, I got to witness the whole thing from my desk at work. In case you missed it, my favourite was……..
This late night revelry revealed itself on Raw. No amount of clever make-up and cucumber slices can de-puff eyes like that and if you wait for the close-up, they’re more than a little bloodshot.
Anyway, the physical effects of the hangover did not seem to dampen Jericho’s enthusiasm. Being in Calgary seemed to buoy him up even more. Big Show’s opening gambit even had to be paused for a few moments while the crowd got their repeated Y2J chants out of their beer soaked systems. They calmed down, Show finished his speech and then Chris took the spotlight. He only had to open his mouth for half a second before the crowd lost their minds. Even John couldn’t hold his smile in when he was supposed to be all stern like.
Stop smirking, John. You're supposed to look pissed off!
All this culminated in Jericho announcing that Slaughter had given him a match against John, and Show was granted a match against Randy. Right, so we’re 600 words in and there hasn’t even been a match yet. Anyone would think I’ve got a thing for John Cena. And Randy Orton. And Chris Jericho. And Big…… three outta four ain’t bad. We’d better get a match in.
With Maryse needing her knee sliced open, someone had to step up to Mickie James. Alicia Fox, Kelly-Kelly, Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix went against each other in a fourway match to be number one contender. This was actually a REALLY good match. Ok, so it was always going to come down to Beth or Gail, but they worked really hard. And the powers that be gave them some time to build the match too, which rarely happens. Beth pulled off one of those highly impressive ‘marvel at my immense strength’ moves……
Anything John can do, Beth can do better, Beth can do anything better than John.
……but the pin eventually went to Gail Kim. I do feel a teeny bit sorry for the Glamazon. I mean, she stuck it out through that painful Santina period without much ‘ffws na ffwdan’ as we Welsh language speakers say. She kind of deserved a title run. But I adore Gail Kim, so no complaints from my bench.
NEEEEXT!
Sergeant Slaughter came out for the first of many insults to Canada. He demanded that they stand up and pledge allegiance to the American flag. Riiiiight! You might as well ask the Welsh to affectionately lick the English flag. NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN.
I mean, look at that ferocious creature? Take THAT King George. You mess with me, my dragon burns your arse.
Jack Swagger made light but entertaining work of Evan Boure, which left Jack with bleeding gums. Mmmm, scurvy is the sexiest of all the vitaand min deficiencies. M.V.P appeared and buttered the crowd up by knocking Swagger on his rather fine behind. Actually, that one looked like it really hurt. Nothing like a bruised coccyx to take the wind out of one’s sails.
Montel challenged Jack to a match that night, but he refused, alluding only to the possibility of a match next week before disappearing up the ramp.
Remember last week when a disturbingly puffed-out Triple H vowed to make us all suck it? Well he was forced to travel to Texas to bring his buddy back from the brink of banality. (So many B’s.) I say ‘Texas’, but really it could have been any generic office building anywhere in the world. HBK was discovered working as a chef in a trashy cafeteria and had been reduced to serving defrosted muck to ungrateful children. Hunter was not impressed.
Back up North Eugene (what?) was taking on the Calgary Kid (who?) for a contract to get in to the company. Whatever. I honestly thought this was some kind of local joke I didn’t get, so I just rode it out until the Calgary Kid began pulling off the mask and I realised it was The Miz. The Miz, who everyone was SOOO upset about last week, was back. See? Didn’t I say he’d be ok? Listen to Auntie Ray. She knows stuff about shit. Or is it the other way round?
Alright, next up Randy and Big Show were to tough it out. It was ok. I mean, Big Show is slow and Randy is deliberately slithery and calculating, so it felt like filler. Randy was getting beaten up so he left the ring and got himself counted out. Big Show sulked but who really cares.
Trips was making headway with persuading Mr. Hickenbottom to become Shawn Michaels again, but still no cigar. So we scooted over to Chris Masters vs M.V.P. I notice Masters now enters the arena under the cover of darkness. Obviously a move to ensure we don’t see any more of his terrible tanning disasters. M.V.P took the match within three minutes, but Jack Swagger made his way out, distracted M.V.P and gave Masters the nod to take him down. Swagger jumped in to finish the job.
Back in Texas a granny snarled SUCK IT in to the camera and Michaels kicked a small child. I believe that means DX are back. Good work, Officer H. Now bring that boy on home. In the arena, Hornswoggle and Mark Henry fought Rhodes and DiBiase. Team Legacy won, giving them the opportunity challenge DX. I totally didn’t see that coming. So shocking!
Any excuse to use a pic of SJP.
I need me some Josh Matthews after that incredible shock! Ah. There he is, with Chris Jericho. WAIT! Did Jericho have that beard earlier? Maybe I was too distracted by his lovely suit to notice. I feel like I’ve seen that face-fuzz somewhere before. Oh yeah.
In a moment of comedy genius, after praising Canada til the cows came home, Jericho made the faux pas of dissing it when he thought he was off camera. DOH! An oldie but a goodie.
Exactly, Chris.
The final match, Jericho and Cena, was moving along swimmingly and it appeared that Cena had the upper hand when he hugged Jericho in to the STF. But Randy soon appeared, started doing a strange twitchy dance in front of John and distracted him long enough for Jericho to bring him down. Big Show got involved, things got messy and Slaughter had to bring the troops to order. He commanded that Jericho and Big Show tag team against Cena and Orton next week. Ooooh, I wonder what Buffy’s husband will have to say about that. Well, John-Boy, you kept saying you wanted to work with your BFF, now you’ve got your wish. Big Show was rolled out of the ring like a humongous log and as John threw Jericho on to his shoulders for the Attitude Adjustment, Orton ran in and RKO’d Jericho back down again. It was AWESOME.
raw(lite): bespoke suits and amateur tanning
August 1, 2009 at 5:20 pm | In Basketball, Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Carlito, Chris Jericho, Chris Masters, Cody Rhodes, Cryme Tyme, DX, Evan Bourne, Guest Hosts, Jack Swagger, John Cena, Josh Matthews, Kofi Kingston, Legacy, MVP, Michael Cole, Mickie James, Randy Orton, Raw, Santino Marella, Shawn Michaels, Ted DiBiase Jnr, The Brian Kendrick, The Miz, Triple H, WWE, Women's Issues | 10 CommentsTags: Raw, WRESTLING, WWE
The jury’s still out on the whole guest host thing. It’s a shrewd business move and I’m not necessarily against it, but it would have been nice to see a few more former wrestlers getting a night with the mic. Jobs for the boys and all that. For me, ZZ Top hosting was hideous. But I’m really not a fan of theirs so it felt kind of pointless.
Everyone loves Shaq. Even people like me who get turned off by the whole bad boy thuggery of the NBA and get sick of hearing about King James. So I was certainly looking forward to this one. He didn’t disappoint. In fact, Vince should keep him on the books and snap him up the minute he hangs his high-tops up for good.
Shaq was eager to get to work straight away and set up a 5-man Beat-the-Clock challenge up. Whichever fella beats their opponent the quickest becomes number one contender against Randy Orton at Summerslam. But, oh dear, looks like the be-suited genius that is Chris Jericho has a little beef with Shaq. If someone gets a poster made of Shaq kissing Jericho’s forehead, make me a copy at the same time? I’ll put it up in my office and look at it in moments of general malaise and aggravation. How they both kept from cracking thoughout that segment is beyond me. And the crowd’s spontaneous chanting of CHRIS-TI-NA (Shaq’s new moniker for Jericho) made my heart smile.
Shaq flicked Jericho away with one finger, so Chris decided to introduce him to his new tag-partner. It would appear that just 24 hours in the company of Chris Jericho has rubbed off on Show. Ooooh, look at him in his stylish bespoke suit.
Ok, so pretty much every piece of clothing Big Show owns is going to be bespoke. I doubt even High n Hefty or Lofty n Mighty or whatever those shops are called stock Big Show Size as standard. The verbal slanging match between Show and Shaq ping-ponged back and forth beautifully as Shaq challenged Show to a match. Show wriggled his way out of it with a wordy theory on why he would not accept the invitation. Oh and…………
Shaq was determined to make the tag champs fight SOMEONE that night, so he put Cryme Tyme in front of them, leaving the champs to scuttle away up the ramp.
With that hilarity done and dusted it was time for some fisticuffs and the first man jostling for that number one contender spot was Mark Henry, up against Carlito. Bad luck, Carlito. You drew the short straw on that one. Carlito decided to implement the tactic of flying kicks and piggybacks in the hope that he could topple Henry and keep him down long enough for the pin. But just like a really huge Weeble, Mark Henry rolled back to his feet again and smooshed Carlito in to the canvas. You remember Weebles, right? Those freaky, egg shaped people that always swung back up no matter how much you knocked them down?
Looks more like a chubby CM Punk weeble than Mark Henry, but you get the idea.
Mark Henry wrapped his hands around Carlito and finished him off in 6 minutes, 49 seconds.
Moving on and the brand new Diva’s Champion, Mickie James, brought Kelly-Kelly and Gail Kim along to take on Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox. This is exciting. No. REALLY! First off, Beth is back and without even a whiff of Santina. Second….err….off (?) a storyline involving Mickie and Beth is a female feud I think people will actually get behind. Mickie has always held a special place in my heart. Her feud with Trish Stratus was brilliant. I’d love to see something that big again. Do it!
From one blast from the past to another, part two of the Beat the Clock Challenge involved M.V.P vs Chris Masters. Yep! Chris Masters! Back in the ring and clean as a whistle. I’m guessing. Proof positive that the there is always a road back to WWE. One thing though, if you’re gonna go down the spray tan route, you need to make sure you get it everywhere. That means lifting your arms when you stand in the tanning booth, Chris. Ask Randy to go with you next time.
Both were out of the ring too long and were counted out. No M.V.P vs Randy Orton at Summerslam. Shocker!!!
Another break from Beat the Clock – The Brian Kendrick vs Kofi Kingston. Kendrick was giving Jerry Lawler some verbal heat when Kofi Kingston took him out with a kick in the face and ended the match. A few days later Vince McMahon metaphorically punched Kendrick in the stomach and ended his contract.
Back to business and it was time for Triple H to take Cody Rhodes on for his ten millionth shot at Randy. But wait, what’s this? Ted DiBiase ran out with some form of truncheon and gave Hunter a big whack on the back of the knee.
Cody Rhodes did the most camp little run out to the ramp ever (watch it again, you’ll see what I mean) and Triple H limped out to the ring. In the words of my brother, “Triple H has got the best fake limp in the business.” But that’s probably because he’s had a lot of practice with real limps. I believe that’s called method acting.
The match trundled along nicely and I was super impressed when Triple H pulled off a dainty pilates move when he reversed Cody’s figure-4. The countdown was getting close and Triple H really needed to stop messing with his prey and finish the job. But Ted DiBiase reappeared and began doing a strange little leg dance which, with a bit more effort and a few additional spins and head flicks, he could totally have turned in to Jennifer Beals’ Maniac dance in Flashdance. If you’ve never seen it, watch. It is a thing of fitness beauty.
Same leg movements as Jennifer. Trust me.
At first it seemed odd that DiBiase even got involved in the end of the match. There appeared to be no point to it. But all became clear when Triple H gave his Josh Matthews interview later on. More on that in a bit. Cody was pinned but after the time had expired. No dice for Hunter.
Time for some light relief, so we go to Shaq’s office where he is playing an epic game of scrabble with Santino. I try not to smile at Santino, but I can’t help it. The Cryme Tyme boys rolled in, bumped fists with Shaq and generally loved all over each other, slipping in to Money, Money, Yeah, Yeah! But Santino felt left out so he threw a Cavs hat on at a jaunty angle, did some rapper-fingers and added his own lyrics. Careful, Tony. You don’t want that Canadian accent to slip through. The Italian’s not so easy to keep up while you’re hippin’ and hoppin’, eh?
I won’t crush your enthusiasm by speaking about Hornswoggle and Chavo, so I’ll scoot over to the Jack Swagger/Evan Bourne Beat the Clock match. I’ve mentioned my brother a couple of times since being back from the USA, but that’s because he’s been watching wrestling with me again and it’s interesting to hear the views of someone who stopped watching wrestling because they couldn’t handle the silliness of it any more. He REALLY likes Jack Swagger and was impressed by Evan Bourne. Anyone who questions the pushing of all the new collegiate guys has got it wrong. If their hard work and new style can prick the interest of someone who abandoned wrestling can only be a good thing.
The match only lasted about three and a half minutes. Evan Bourne took the pin, so there’ll be no Swagger/Orton at Summerslam. That just leaves John Cena to beat Mark Henry’s time. Hmm. Wonder how that one will turn out?
Triple H was still fuming backstage about Ted sabotaging his match with Cody and vowed to take both of them out by himself next week. By himself? Really? Seems like an awfully big task to set yourself. He could probably do with some help. From someone who’s refreshed by a long break, maybe? Someone to act as a tag partner? Has Hunter ever been in a tag team?
By the way, Triple H mentioned ‘the tail that wags the dog’ in his JM interview. For a perfect explanation of this phrase, watch the Wag the Dog movie. It’s brilliant. And it’s De Niro and Hoffman (pre-Meet the Fockers). How could you possibly lose?
The final Beat the Clock match was John Cena vs The Miz, with Randy Orton watching from the annouce table. Not that I would ever dream of complaining, but why was Randy without trousers when he had no involvement in any matches that night?
The Miz had already dissed various D.C. sporting teams and tried to run Cena’s clock down to force his exclusion from the BTC contest without getting hurt himself. Didn’t work. John forced Miz to tap out with well over two minutes to spare. Randy joined John in the ring and I went all…..
Remember several months ago when John and Randy (being BFFs and all) asked the writers if they could work together? I wrote a post about it. John was even willing to go heel. Looks like they got their wish. And I, for one, am joyous beyond belief.
Final match of the night was Shaq’s special tag match between little and large and Cryme Tyme, with Shaq himself at ringside to keep an eye on proceedings. All was moving along swimmingly until Show interfered with the pin on Jericho and the match had to be called off. Shaq was furious. He whipped his shirt off and faced up to Show himself. Show had him in a chokehold, Cryme Tyme came to the rescue and Shaq rolled Show out of the ring. Jericho dashed around and started screeching at Shaq like a Jack Russell defending a Great Dane.
Best. Raw. In. AGEEEEES. Congratulations, Shackwheel….. as Santino would say.
raw(lite): hubcaps for frisbees
June 6, 2009 at 9:49 pm | In Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cody Rhodes, Dave Baitsta, Jerry 'The King' Lawler, John Cena, Josh Matthews, Kelly-Kelly, Kofi Kingston, Legacy, MVP, Man-Hug Moment, Maryse, Matt Hardy, Mickie James, Primo, Randy Orton, Raw, Ric Flair, Rosa Mendes, Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase Jnr, The Miz, Vicky Guerrero, WWE, William Regal | 1 CommentTags: Monday Night Raw, Raw, WRESTLING, WWE
It’s 2am on a Tuesday morning. What was I doing? Pretending to sleep. What was Birmingham, Alabama doing? Cheering at Monday Night Raw. Randy Orton is in the ring, his foot-soldiers are firmly by his side and the steel cage has been lowered around the ring. Let’s get cracking.
The tormentor of Mexican reporters everywhere explained once again how he planned on dealing with big Dave Batista at Extreme Rules. Tactics will include grinding Dave’s face against the metal (ouch), slamming the cage door in to his face (yaaawch) and running him face first, no, HEAD first in to every side of the cage over, and over and over again. Say over-and-over again for me, Randy.
Randy went on to inform us, and Dave, that he’d arranged with Vickie Guerrero that there would be a steel cage match that night. He flipped a coin to decide whether Batista had to face Cody or Ted. Cody’s up. Despite looking terrified at first, he remembered he had to live up to his daddy’s cage match reputation and sucked up his angst. Randy verbally patted him on the head and told him everything was going to be ok. Then he gave us a demonstration on how to walk through a door. Where has this man BEEN all my life? He began wrapping up the promo but just as he raised the belt in to the air, someone decided they had something to say.
Yes, there were 13 WOOOOOs and 15 PUNKs in Ric Flair’s response to Randy’s promo. I counted. Randy reminded Ric that he was retired and was not legally permitted to take part in any in-ring fight or his pension fund may be jeopardised. But Ric didn’t want any old in-ring wrestling match. Oh noes, he wanted a car park brawl. (That’s a ‘Parking Lot Brawl’ for any Americans reading). Randy accepted and warned Ric that his days were numbered. Cody, you’re up, buddy!
The personnel dispersed and Dave Batista joined little Cody in the ring. Cody clung to the turnbuckle as The (caged) Animal smirked right in his face. Being half Dave’s size, Cody Rhodes was struggling. Randy came out cage-side to see if he could put a little pep in Cody’s step, but even his posturing, grimacing and general clawing at the steel couldn’t save his little puppy. Naaaw! Bless.
Time for something really silly over in Vickie’s office. Big Show was bleating to Chavo and Vickie about the fact that he’d been paired up with chief prick, The Miz, against John Cena and a currently unnamed partner. They convinced him that all would be well and decided it would be a good time to draw a name from a pair of velvet wrestle trunks to see who John’s partner would be. By some amazing fluke, the name drawn was Chavo Guerrero. Wow! Whodda thunk it?
By the way, has anyone noticed Vickie’s fabulous taste in aesthetics? There’s nothing like a Van Gogh street scene and black leather seating to give that sophisticated air of….oh, I dunno….. dentist’s waiting room.
From one lady to another, Kelly-Kelly bounced her way to the ring and this dude made a proposal with his fan-sign.
Thank God he chose to paint an engagement ring and not a different kind of ring, or Linda McMahon might have had to explain away another awkward mess. By the way, man, nice penmanship and all, but I don’t fancy your chances. I mean, LOOK at her!!! Mickie James joined Kelly in the ring and she was closely followed by their opponents, Beth Phoenix and Maryse. Rosa Mendes floated around in some leather trousers so she could distract the ref at an opportune moment. It was all over disappointingly quickly and ended with Maryse sticking a DDT on Kelly, pinning her for the win. Look at Rosa. Remember when you were in high school and there was always a pipsqueak girl who wanted to be in your group of friends, despite the fact that everyone left her out of everything in the hope she’d just go away? Rosa is that girl.
Next up, Carlito and Primo were taking on Matt Hardy and William Regal for the tag-team belts. YAAAAWN. Matt used his arm cast to try and take out Carlito but slipped and whacked his own partner instead. Own-goal, I believe. Regal dropped and Carlito capitalised with a pin to keep hold of the belts.
This was spotted…………….
and the camera moved back to the ring post haste. Ssshhh, if we don’t about him everyone will just forget.
For the third week running Ric Flair, who was pacing up and down the car park looking for hubcaps to frisbee at Orton’s head, had a verbal altercation with his fave beefcake, Batista. Ric explained how much he missed being the Nature Boy (I’ll be taking about that all serious-like in a near future post) and told Dave if he called him ‘The Man’ once more he’d vomit. Now THAT would be a show. Go on, Dave. Say it! After an emotive speech, Ric managed to convince Dave that brawling with a man half his age was totally do-able and asked him not to be a hero and rescue him from the evil clutches of Randy Orton. Gotta be honest, I wouldn’t want anyone to rescue me from the grope grip of Randy Orton either.
It’s been a while since we’ve seen a Man-Hug moment. The boys have been reather un-huggy of late, so huge thanks to Dave and Ric for enabling me to resurrect this bit.
Back over in Vickie’s sophisticated office Regal and Matt Hardy informed her that they have arranged a match between her and SantinO Marella for that night. Vickie went all mentalist and started yelling in Spanish, which she only does when she’s REALLY freakin’ out. But it was ok, the guys had a plan to make it work, which Matt whispered in Vickie’s ear. She seemed whole-heartedly on board.
Finally back in the ring and it’s time for The Miz to do his annoying pre-match gamble about how he’s what, like, 347-0 against John Cena or something? He informed us that John’s supposed penchant for corporate selling-out put him in the same category as Spongebob, The Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana. Ok, so Spongebob is silly and The Jonas Brothers are far too miserable looking to be pop stars, but what’s wrong with Miley? To quote Britney, and God knows I never thought I’d say THAT, she’s NOT.THAT. INN-O-CE-ENT! Do a Google image search for Miley Cyrus. You’ll see what I mean.
And look, she’s a wrestling fan too…….
I have no words.
Let’s try and forget that image and talk about the match….. It was fine. You know. Not blow your brains out brilliant, not absolutely awful either. John was not looking too healthy and The Miz wanted him, not LITERALLY, I mean he wanted the pinfall himself. But Big Show wanted in too and tried to persuade The Miz to tag him back in. But it was no dice, and when The Miz turned to go and throw himself at JC, Big Show swung his ginormous fist at The Miz to clear the way.
With The Miz out cold Chavo leaped in to the ring and pinned him for the win. The crowd went nuts for Chavo who, in his role as Vickie’s sycophantic nephew, doesn’t get much of a chance at big-time matches these days.
John was none too pleased that Chavo had stolen his pin and slammed him in to the mat. There was a further tussle between John and BS which left John unconscious too. When does this Big Show/John Cena storyline end again? Whenever it is, make it snappy! PLEASE!
Fresh from the senior prom, MVP was preparing to face Kofi Kingston to hold on to the United States Championship. It began with a polite meeting of the mutual appreciation society, but soon dissolved in to a slanging match and then an AWESOME wrestling match.
I wasn’t sure where it was all going at first. I was wondering why everyone on the interwebz were so excited by it when I got up on Tuesday morning. The crowd were seated and silent. But as it progressed it really did turn out to be fantastic.
Yep, we have a new United States champion. Congratulations, sir. I feel like I want to reward Kofi with something. Because, you know, winning the match, the belt and the title just isn’t enough. He doesn’t fall in to my swoon worthy gentlemen category, but what the hell…………….
Play it and do some chair dancing for the remainder of this post. Wind ya waaaist, people.
From a great match to a great mess. William Regal and Matt Hardy’s evil plan to take out Santino Marella was about to come to fruition. I won’t bore you with the details. It was physically and emotionally painful to watch. Who knows what complete and utter tripe they’ll churn out at the PPV tomorrow night. Just know that the match ended like this.
Looks like Batista defied Flair one more time and called him ‘The Man’ again. Well, Ric DID promise he’d vomit if he did it again. Speaking of Flair, his Fight to the Finish was about to kick off in the car park. (See what I did there?)
Ok, so it started with a game of Hide & Seek. Off screen, Randy had already stood in the corner with his eyes covered and counted to 100. Ric had scuttled off to hide.
Anyway, let’s be honest, the fight didn’t set me on fire. We all know Ric Flair isn’t supposed to be doing this stuff. But I would like to thank him for ripping the chest area of Randy’s shirt open. It made up for the nonsense. Wait, is that one of the $45 Top Rope t-shirts? It seemed to rip open awfully easily. I won’t be wasting my money buying one THOSE then . Shoddy products or set-up to rip when Flair touched it? The decision is yours.
And then, because people paid good money to see a main event, they shuffled their way in to the arena. By the time they made it to the ramp, the oldest player in the game was not looking too clever. Randy had full command. The King said “Right now, this is especially difficult to watch.” Not really, Jerry. It’s actually hilarious to watch. Randy finally ripped off the scraps of fabric hanging from his arms and got back to work. But as Flair looked like he was finished for all time, he did a bit of a mule kick and caught Randy in the knackers. Obviously, being a girl, I have no idea how painful this is, but I did grab at my crotch in sympathy. And I have it on good authority that it’s the most painful thing a man can experience. So you have that and we have childbirth.
Back to the match and Randy’s manhood was still causing him some trouble, giving Ric the opportunity to capitalise. There seemed to be a lot of blood, but it could have been jam or ketchup or hot chili sauce from when they collapsed in to the refreshments table in the car park.
Flair put Randy in a figure-4 and the rest of Legacy came to the rescue. They dragged him in to the steel cage which, by some coincidence, had been lowered back over the ring. They were meant to have some fisticuffs in the car park, right? This was not an official match, right? Ha. It ended up with Ric and Randy locked in the cage with Dave watching on in despair. Even if he could get in, he made a promise not to be a hero and save him. Poor Dave. He was just trying to protect his pal from some serious geriatric abuse.
Randy did his “My IED is kicking in now” face and Batista shouted through the barricade that he was going to break Randy in half. If he did break him in half, which half would I want to keep? Tricky. Both are impressive. Oh well, it’s not going to happen anyway.
Shall we have some Smackdown next, folks?
raw(lite): orgasmic borderlines and over dressing
May 30, 2009 at 11:06 am | In Basketball, Bella Twins, Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Chavo Guerrero, Cody Rhodes, Dave Baitsta, Goldust, Hornswoggle, JR, Jerry 'The King' Lawler, John Cena, Kelly-Kelly, Ken Kennedy, Kofi Kingston, Legacy, MVP, Maryse, Matt Hardy, Michael Cole, Mickie James, Randy Orton, Raw, Ric Flair, Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase Jnr, The Brian Kendrick, The Miz, Vicky Guerrero, Vince Mcmahon, WWE, William Regal | 4 CommentsTags: Monday Night Raw, Raw, wrestlegasm, WRESTLING, WWE
[I wrote this recap last night, but I was so tired by the time I got done with the writing, I fell asleep before I could do all my lovely photoshopping. So just put your brain on rewind and pretend it's still Friday night.]
It’s Friday night, I put my pink bow PJ bottoms on at 8pm, flicked the mushrooms out of my Chinese food (because they are the work of Satan), had a semi-cold Carlsberg Export, felt sorry for myself ’cause my jaw problems kept me from going to the gym, argued over the name of Eminem’s new single, opened another beer, failed at Guitar Hero, watched Eastenders and felt happy when Terry got sent to prison, started watching Gordon Ramsay humiliate pitiful chefs, remembered I need to recap the rest of Raw. So here I am. Don’t you just wish you had my rock & roll lifestyle? I can feel your jealousy burning through the monitor.
So, Thursday’s post pretty much told you what was bad about this week’s Raw. Tonight I will try to be a little more optimistic. I’m not gonna lie, the alcohol is helping. I am also alternating between re-watching Raw and listening to Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux album. Patrick Stump makes everything better. Vince McMahon had just pushed his phoney Kroenke out of the ring and I was waiting for things to improve (’cause they couldn’t get much worse.) WROOONG! Here’s The Miz. He revealed a Cavs jersey, the crowd booed, and he declared himself 6-0 against John Cena. There I was, wondering how long it’s going to be before John’s actually allowed to retaliate, when…….
Hoorah! Things are looking up. But before John could make it in to the ring and finally shut The Miz up, Rhodes and DiBiase started laying in to him. The Miz joined in and before we knew it, my John was being kicked in to a pile of mush. Heels = 3, Babyfaces = 1. Things are looking a little uneven. Oh, DAAAA-AAAVE! You’re needed. Batista came to help and managed to flatten all three bad dudes in succession. The Big Show appeared (urgh) and then Jerry Lawler. Lakers colours never looked so…..so….. stretched? The asymmetrical shoulder strap though. Very ‘on trend’, |Jerry. Love you, King. Mwah!
With the ring cleared of nasty boys, there was nothing else to do but announce a five v five, good v bad, Yay v Boo match for the end of Raw. At this point I was really hoping the jerseys were just for graphic effect. They weren’t. Much to my disgust. I’ll come back to that later. Wait, who is the fifth good fella? You’ll have to wait to find out.
It was time for the regular show to start. After Maryse’s dalliance last week with a can of Elnett (which they’ve totally changed the smell of, by the way) she was taking on Baby Kelly, to retain her Divas Championship.
I was little worried for Kelly. She does a mean backflip but Maryse is a mean ole madame and I was pretty sure she’d get creamed in to the mat. But from the moment Kelly did her (better) version of the Maryse hair-flick, I knew she’d be ok. It all started to go wrong when Maryse had Kelly on the announce table and was pounding her in the face. NOOOOO! Not the face! Maryse spent too much time out of the ring and was counted out, allowing Kelly to win the match but not the belt. Damn! Kelly was furious and went flying straight at her. Your day will come, sweetheart.
Gratuitous America's Next Top Model Reference
Backstage, this happened……………..
and over in the locker room, Batista was trying to tell Ric Flair what we’re all thinking. Lead balloon time again.
Back inthe ring, Matt Hardy, William Regal and Kofi Kingston are scrapping it out to contend for M.V.P’s Yankee Belt next week. Kingston pinned Matt Hardy for the match. Ok, M.V.P and Kofi Kingston will be good. And they even managed to be friendly about it. Aww, they really do make a lovely couple.
So after that Ric Flair woooed his way to the ring. This can only end badly. But It does promise an appearance from Randy Orton, who was nowhere to be seen and we’re already 40 minutes in. Flair reminded us that Orton sucka-punched him and had his wicked way with him last week. Really? Had his way with you Ric? Is that available on bootleg DVD anywhere? Anyway, Ric called Randy out and HOLY HELL did he answer.
To say that Randy told Ric off is an understatement. Randy lost his temper and shut his mouth good an proper. There haven’t been too many wrestlegasm moments in recent weeks, but Randy’s angry rant delivered on all markers. To be truthful, it wasn’t just a wrestlegasm moment…. it was borderline orgasmic. And THAT doesn’t happen that often from viewing alone. Bravo, Randy. BRA-VO, my love!
Wait, I just got turned on by a young man shattering the few remaining dreams of a pensioner. That’s wrong, right? Don’t answer.
Aaaanyway. Ahem. Ric slapped Randy’s face and Randy knocked him down, pummelling him in the face. Batista came to the rescue and Orton made a hasty retreat to the comfort of the ramp, leaving Dave trying to hold Flair back from retaliating. Randy gave a few parting words and just as he was about to leg it, we heard….
. .
KENN-E-DEEEEY
. .
YYYYYYEEEEEEEOOOOW! I love you, Ken Kennedy. Welcome back. I missed you. But seriously, the beard needs to go. Like, pronto. You’re just a line of boot polish away from looking like Scott Steiner. That wasn’t even a good look for Steiner. Get! Rid!
Facial hair aside…..WRESTLEGASMMMMMM! I believe that’s called multiple wrestlegasm-ing. Ah, it’s good to be a girl. Assuming Kennedy’s new injury can be fixed relatively swiftly, Mr. K and Mr. Ohhh need to have a proper feud. It would be AWESOME.
Oh, yeah, Kennedy was named the fifth good guy in the YAY v BOO match at the end of the show. From the sublime to the ridiculous, Santino and Mickie James were up against Chavo and Beth. Mickie pinned Beth FTW and Santino was left to choose a stipulation for SantinA’s match against Vickie at the PPV. He chose a Hog Pen Match, did more pi g squeals and forced Vickie in to one of her patented screeches.
Backstage The Big Show reminded The Miz that he was not allowed to pin John Cena……
You don’t really wanna know anything about Goldust and Hornswoggle v Festus and The Brian Kendrick, do you?????? Phew. Good. ‘Cause I was about to skip it anyway.
On to the final match of the night. The Five v Five. There were varying responses to this match from the guys. Big Show struggled to keep his body inside his custom made jersey. Suck it in, honey. Suck it in like you just finished eating on Christmas Day and realised jeans were a bad option.
Randy looked pissed off that he’d been forced to cover his chest.
Kennedy came out to a Brett Favre joke. (Miss you, Brett…. but please stay retired this time, k?). And John Cena looked like he’d travelled back in time to his thuganomics days. Actually, his arms were rather weedy back then, so I’ll stick with present day John, thank you very much. Thuganomics-John SOOOOO couldn’t bench press Big Show. Batista took it all too seriously and came out in full Lakers regalia. Long shorts and everything. JR said…..“Behind those iniquitous blue eyes of Randy Orton is a mind that is thinking -I have to step inside a steel cage in two weeks on Pay Per View against The Animal?” I hate to challenge Jim Ross, but what Randy was REALLY thinking was “Dave, you moron. You could have worn less clothes than that and you CHOSE to wear extra fabric? I don’t get you.”
The match was as expected. Some amazing stuff, some rubbish, but it was far more entertaining than I was expecting. Good conquered Evil when M.V.P pinned Cody Rhodes to take it for TEAM YAY!
But the real story of this match is that when Kennedy was on the receiving end of the RKO, he suffered a fairly nasty looking wrist injury. You can usually tell real pain. They try to smile through it but the grimace can’t help but break through. I can’t find any info online that says he’s going to lose any major time away from the ring, so I hope it’s nothing that can’t be fixed with an ice pack and a healing kiss. You have to feel a little bit sorry for the guy. You spend 10 months rehabbing your shoulder only to pick up another big inury in your first match back. 
So that WAS the Denver Debacle. After Thursday’s rant I felt a tiny bit disloyal, but there’s no point in pretending I loved Vince’s tactics when I didn’t. However, when Michael Cole said this at the end of the show….
“Well thank you WWE Universe for all your support, this week, and each and every week. Thank you everybody, and good night from Los Angeles.”
………..I felt compelled to accept the gesture of gratitude. Now, let’s just forget this every happened and move on to better things.
raw(lite): mojo restoration
May 24, 2009 at 11:50 pm | In Bella Twins, Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cody Rhodes, Dave Baitsta, Goldust, JR, Jerry 'The King' Lawler, Jillian, John Cena, Josh Matthews, Judgement Day, Kelly-Kelly, MVP, Michael Cole, Mickie James, Primo, Randy Orton, Raw, Rosa Mendes, Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase Jnr, The Brian Kendrick, Vicky Guerrero, WWE, William Regal | Leave a CommentTags: Monday Night Raw, Raw, WRESTLING, WWE
Much as I enjoy PPVs, they’re harder to write about than Raw and Smackdown. They don’t have the snappy structure of a weekly show. So I’m quite pleased to be back with Raw for this recap.
We got going with Randy Orton crowing over the fact that he was still WWE champion. Oh My God. I think he’s getting sexier by the week. And I can’t even figure out why I love him so much ’cause I’m usually a cheerleader for nice boys you can take home to your mummy. When he was walking the halls before coming out for the final match of the night, I involuntarily bit my bottom lip. A true marker or hawtness. I’ll treat you to that picture laterz. Back in the ring his speech turned to Ric Flair. Oh no. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t going to end well? Randy dared Ric to get in to his business again. Oh, you KNOW what’s coming.
Ric verbally slapped Randy down for trying to get himself disqualified at Judgment Day and suggested that, just because he still had the bling swinging over his shoulder, he wasn’t the big man he pretended to be. Ric also suggested that Dave Batista was the great beakout star of Evolution and NOT Randy. Apparently Dave Zoom-Zoooooomed past Randy and left him eating dust. Errrr, yah, don’t THINK SO, Ric.
I’m not happy about Ric Flair being back after such a lavish farewell. But if all he wants to do is some kind of BFF thing with Batista, maybe I can live with it. No fighting, just talking. He went on to tell us that he’s arranged with Vickie G. that Randy and Dave will fight in a steel cage at the Extreme Rules in three weeks. (Aright? Aright?) Randy decided he want to give carrier pigeon Flair a message to take back to Batista and planted his fist on his chin.
Randy’s two henchmen casually made their way to join in the beating but then Dave appeared from behind their backs and started a scrap of his own. Everything was going as expected and I was waiting on Vickie to put a cap on the carnage with an EXCUUUUSE MEEEEY! But the crowd screamed in a way the Vickster can only dream of. They holla’d for whom? Joooooohn Ceeeeeeena. YAAAAY! Well, looks like John might be getting his wish to work with Randy after all.
Ummm, by the way King, it’s CAV-A-LRY…..’ Calvary’ is the supposed site of the crucifixion. M.Cole made the same mistake later on too.
Backstage Josh Matthews, who always seems to be lurking in dark shadows waiting to pounce, jumped out on Cena to ask why he intervened. It was all about restoring pride, or something, I dunno. I wasn’t paying attention to his words. All I could think about was that it was like someone had restored John’s missing mojo. Like Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me. I know what you’re thinking. Yes. You’re right. It WAS me who had that restorative honour. Oh, and Vickie then announced a match between Legacy and Cena/Batista for the end of the show. Fabulous!
It was my pleasure entirely.
Shimmying back to the ring, we’re about to be delighted with a Diva’s Battle Royal for a shot at the Diva’s Championship. We had Rosa Mendes, The Bella Twins, Jillian, Kelly-Kelly, Mickie James and Beth Phoenix all scrapping for shot at Maryse. Oh and Maryse was annoying as ever at the announce table.
Rosa, The Twins and Jillian went out first. Unsurprising. That just left Kelly with Beth and Mickie so we figure Kelly’s going over the ropes next, right? Wrong. Beth was about to javelin throw Kelly through the ropes but she managed to get out of the hold, got back to her feet and kicked Beth through the ropes. SHOCKER! Beth, in her fury, tried to pull Kelly out of the ring AFTER she’d been eliminated. While this tustle was going on Maryse left her commentary post and hopped over to Mickie James, spraying her in the face with some kind of mist.
What was it?
Did they really have to make Maryse spray her with hairspray or Evian in a can or whatever it was? Urgh! Oh well. Mickie rolled around in agony after taking some Elnett to the eye. I’ve accidentally done that to myself before. Quite painful, but it keeps the eyelashes in place. Mickie rolled herself out of the ring leaving Kelly-Kelly victorious. What? Kelly getting a push? Noes Ways. I’ll believe it when I see it. I can’t tell if she was really worried about Mickie, really happy or REALLY terrified of Maryse. We shall how it plays out tomorrow.
Next up, Santino v Chavo. You mean Santino’s wrestling a match? As himself? Not as his pseudo-sister? It all seemed to be passing off without much drama and I thought maybe this was the end of SantinA. Santino Marella pinned Chavo and a shocked looking Santino began making his way up the ramp. But wait, SantinA ain’t dead. DAMN! Chavo made a match between SantinA and…..wait for it…..Vickie Guerrero. Uh-oh. Tía Vickie ain’t gonna be pleased with you, Chavo.
Moving on, you know what I love? The WWE statistics they like to flash up during the shows. So what do we have this week?
Umm. When you start bragging about choke-slamming Tigger, you’ve plummeted to a new low.
After trip in to my own private hell……………….
Josh Matthews’ guest at this time was Matt Hardy. He waffled about the fact that he interfered with Jeff’s JD match to make him pay for breaking his second metacarpals. Yada-yada-yada. When then jump over to Vickie’s office and, oh, I was right. Vickie – she maaaad! And so is Randy Orton. He’s none too pleased about his steel cage match at Extreme Rules.
This was followed by Carlito and Primo v The Brian Kendrick and Goldust. Primo pinned Kendrick, who spent his time bitching at Goldust for apparently being a sub-standard tag partner. Hornswoggle appeared and both he and Goldust attacked Kendrick. Ridiculous.
The Miz is up next and it seems that he’s taking his one-sided feud with John Cena to a new level.
John’s thuganomics music started playing and he began doing some horrible, old-skool-John rapping. Like when he used to do this kind of stuff…..
John didn’t respond and The Miz declared himself 5 and 0 against him. Someone else, however, had something to say about this. Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler had had quite enough of this delusion and tried to expose the flaws in The Miz’s theories through practical demonstration.
It was looking like The King had persuaded The Miz to go and see Vickie for a real match against John when the Big Show decided to join in and let everyone know that he wasn’t done with John Cena himself. The Miz, looking a little overwhelmed by Big Show’s stature, ran out the ring and threw Jerry Lawler at the Big Show like a human sheild. There was no easy way to end the segment, so Big Show put a sleeper on Lawler.
Lawler’s warm seat next to Michael Cole was taken up by JR who, you know, just happened to be hanging around behind the pyro, and they did their ’sad times’ faces for King. Matt Hardy and M.V.P fought in a nothing match where Montel won.
We then went to the locker room, where Dave was preparing for the big finale with Ric Flair at his side. They had an uncomfortable conversation that felt a little bit like art imitating life. Did I just call the WWE art? The really telling line was “Just ’cause I’m retired, doesn’t mean I can’t fight.” Umm, yeah, that’s exactly what it means. That’s like saying just because I’m allergic to kiwi fruit, doesn’t mean I can’t eat one. Dave delicately tried to point out that Ric’s fighting services wouldn’t be needed, which went down like a lead balloon, and Ric refused to hold Dave’s hand as he walked to the ring.
Next up, SantinA and Vickie fought for the Miss Wrestlemania crown. There was muc chatter, SantinA kissed Vickie, made more pig references, Chavo made it a no DQ match, he interfered, got thrown over the top rope, William Regal ran in, floored SantinA and left Vickie to pin SantinA for the crown.
I need something to bring me back to life. Something to resuscitate me, please?
THE lip-biting moment. *SIGH*
Very…..awakening. I don’t know if it was because this week’s Raw was so low on decent matches or if the finale really was very good, but it was a GREAT match. Loads of high energy and piles of tagging in and out of the ring. Just as I was thinking how great it was that John Cena had an opponent that made him shine, Big Show appeared and lured him up the ramp. Batista was left on his own with Legacy. Or was he? All of a sudden Ric Flair flipped Cody Rhodes in to the ring, giving Batista the opportunity to pin Randy for the win. They did some shifty camera work so we wouldn’t quite see what was really going on til the replay. Sneaky things.
Heroines Wanted: Apply Within
May 20, 2009 at 7:44 pm | In Alicia Fox, Bella Twins, Beth Phoenix, CM Punk, Chris Jericho, ECW, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, Jeff Hardy, Jillian, Kelly-Kelly, Layla, Lillian garcia, Maria Kanellis, Maryse, Melina, Michelle McCool, Mickie James, Natalya, Raw, Rey Mysterio, Rosa Mendes, Santino Marella, Smackdown, Stephanie McMahon, Teddy Long, Vicky Guerrero, WWE, Women's Issues | 1 CommentTags: Women's Wrestling, WRESTLING, WWE
Back in the day, when my love affair with wrestling was at its climatic peak, there were three kinds of women in the WWE/F. These were the times when, in my eyes, it could do no wrong. Every twist and turn delighted me and I overlooked even the most ludicrous storylines. Ah, memories. As I said, there were three kinds of ladies back then.
1) Girls Who Look Like Boys (The Chynas)
You remember them, right? Overdeveloped, manly, muscle machines with chins that would put Edge to shame. They usually got to work with the guys, because physically they were evenly matched. We’ll call them The Chynas.
2) Pretty-Girl Wrestlers (The Trishes)
The women who seem able to maintain their femininity but still manage to pull off hot-shot, eye popping wrestling moves. Like Trish Stratus. We’ll come back to Trish later.
3) The Fluff (The Keiblers)
I doubt this category really needs any explanation, but basically the girls who look drop-dead gorgeous but have extremely limited wrestling skills. Stacey Keibler: Hot pins, bad at pinning.
Fast forward to today’s bizarre state of WWE affairs and one category, The Chynas, has completely disappeared. Times have changed. Vince McMahon and his production staff’s job is to make money. They seek to pinpoint the most bankable trends in popular culture and apply them to their own product. We live in a celebrity obsessed world. For women, you’re not accepted if you’re not the perfect height, the perfect weight, the perfect amount of pretty, just the right amount of sexy. If you look like this……..
…..you’re not marketable any more. Not to men or to women. That’s why these women have slipped away from the limelight. I haven’t lost any sleep over it. It always kind of bothered me that they were the only ones who got to hang with the boys anyway. Even back in the late 90s when overdeveloped female wrestlers were the norm, they still had to battle for recognition. I’m still not convinced that Chyna would have been involved in any main eventing had it not been for her dalliance with Triple H.
The Trishes, however, have soared. They fit the current bill. Gorgeous creatures that girls want to be and boys was to do. I’m talking Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Natalya, Melina, Mickie James, Michelle McCool, Maryse, Maria etc. (SIDENOTE: If I change my name to something starting with an M, can I join the Trishes?). Their athleticism is awesome and I will argue all the live long day that it is equal to that of the best performing men in the company. I would kill for just an ounce of it. In some cases their fitness is probably superior to some of the male wrestlers. Women are held up to different physical standards to men. It’s alright that some of the guys have a paunch. It’s never perceived as ok for women the lose their training grip.
The Keiblers are still there. Occasionally it bothers me, but not that much. It would be great if every woman employed by Vince McMahon had a fantastic, athletic, in-ring presence, but not everyone is made for taking bumps. They play their roles just like everyone else. The trend seems to be to get all women in to this middle ground of beauty and athleticism. Some just excel at being beautiful but can’t pull off top moves. And that’s fine. The fact that they’re out there trying and giving it their best to entertain makes me really happy. And who could possibly hate Kelly-Kelly anyway? She’s so damn cute. She’s like a cupcake with pink frosting and a cherry on top.
Lacey, your boyfriend's not thinking about you right now.
I don’t even mind that guys drool over them. It would be wholly hypocritical of me to be insulted by that kind of behaviour, being that I have a segment in my Smackdown recaps which charts the weekly colours and contents of CM Punk’s trunks.
So what’s my problem? My problem is that when it comes to storylines, screen time and ring time, the women of the WWE are second class citizens. This is not a feminist rant. I just want to see the ladies getting a fair crack of the whip. They are skipped over on several Pay Per Views, they have significantly less time in the ring, bearly enough mic time for us even to know what their voices sound like and non-existent storylines. It’s disappointing and an insult to the intelligence of those us interested in more than just the fact that Maryse wants a man who takes regular showers.
I sometimes wonder if the writers don’t give the women any storylines because they don’t believe anyone would care. Nonsense. People don’t care RIGHT NOW because there are NO storylines. Everyone knows that when wrestling/sports entertainment is good, the balance between dramatics and athletics is bang on. At the moment, there are NO female storylines and a tiny blot of athletics. It doesn’t work.
A short while ago, Trish Stratus threw a cat among the pigeons when she expressed that the WWE Women’s Division is currently disappointing and that there are too many women on the roster all round. She also suggested they should concentrate on developing just a couple of women rather than spreading things too thinly over more talent. She’s got it partially right. I do NOT think, however, that there are too many women in the division. There are just too many women without a public persona or an identity. The matches have no context. With no context, who cares who wins and loses? They’re just pretty, sexy girls grappling with each other. The pendulum is swinging all out of whack. There’s no balance between context and action, and no balance between the investment in to the men and the women. And by investment, I’m not just refering to financial investment. I mean, time and recognition too. The Women’s Division is not taken seriously at all. That’s a real shame, because the potential for business, sporting and entertainment expansion is huge, and completely untapped.
I’m going to use the Smackdown from 8th May as an example. Teddy Long, Rey Mysterio, Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy spent 14 and a half minutes setting up a match between Jericho and Hardy to take place at the end of Smackdown. Almost 15 minutes of a two hour show, just talking. And it was great. It was entertaining and it began preparing the ground for the PPV matches between Mysterio and Jericho, and Hardy and Edge. The entire Hardy/Jericho match on that particular Smackdown lasted almost 20 minutes, by the way.
On the same show Gail Kim and Michelle McCool wrestled extremely well for five minutes. But that was it. No promo, no mic time, and with no purpose. And that was a good week.
Later in the same show, Cryme Tyme emceed an arm wrestle between Layla and Eve Torres. Why? It had no meaning. And apparently neither woman seemed allowed to speak. Cryme Tyme spoke on their behalf. It was infuriating and utterly pointless, and it was given just as much time as the McCool/Kim match.
Wrestlemania. The grandest stage of the them all. The highlight of the wrestling calendar. Millions of people watching around the world. And who won the Miss Wrestlemania contest? A man in a skirt and a wig with a chin strap. I get the joke. Really. I do. But what a waste. Santino Marella is a great comedian. He’s a natural. I’ve laughed with him at certain points through this whole Santina story. But seeing Beth Phoenix chasing him/her around for the past six weeks is a major let-down and a shameful waste of her talent. She is one of the most accomplished female athletes in the company and yet her skills are bearly tapped in to.
Maybe the WWE believes that female fans wouldn’t support female superstars if they upped their profile and marketed the directly to women. There is this odd myth that all women hate each other and that ladies will only cheer for male wrestlers. That’s incorrect. Those women do exist, but I’d be unpleasantly surprised if they made up the majority. If the female fanbase really is 40% of the entire WWE Universe, give us the same role models and heels the male fans have. Build feuds. Create identities and heroines. Give us characters to look forward to seeing and discussing and supporting. There are some amazing women in the WWE. It would make my day to see little girls wearing Mickie James t-shirts. Those shirts don’t exist. Little girls wear Jeff Hardy shirts because WWE promotes him to that market. Promote the women to women and young girls and I guarantee it will get a favourable response. Allow young girls to see the female wrestlers succeeding in the same way and at the same level their male counterparts do and it will give them a work ethic to aspire to.
I can’t speak for any of the female talent. I don’t know them. I haven’t met them. Even if I did I highly doubt they would be so unprofessional as to air any personal grievances in front of fans. But it’s got to be frustrating for them, hasn’t it? As a woman, the lack or interest the WWE shows in its Women’s Division sometimes makes me feel like it doesn’t care about me either. So, apart from the obvious, why should I keep coming back?
Raw(Lite): If it wasn’t for those pesky kids…..
May 15, 2009 at 10:30 pm | In Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Blog War 09, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cody Rhodes, Dave Baitsta, Jerry 'The King' Lawler, Jillian, John Cena, Josh Matthews, Kelly-Kelly, Kofi Kingston, Legacy, Lillian garcia, Maryse, Matt Hardy, Michael Cole, Mickie James, Randy Orton, Raw, Rosa Mendes, Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase Jnr, The Brian Kendrick, The Miz, Vicky Guerrero, WWE, William Regal | 4 CommentsTags: Monday Night Raw, Raw, WRESTLING, WWE
Ok, I’m starting to think something dodgy is going on around here. First I get a horrible migraine that takes almost a week to recover from, then I get a cold, and now I’ve got an inflamed eardrum that’s retaining fluid. This is not only causing severe pain but also sending my balance off and making me feel like I’m walking on a trampoline, even on hard ground. Has my water supply been spiked with some kind of disease? I’m starting to wonder if another blog similar to my own is trying to kill off the competition. Not pointing my finger at anyone, but you know who you are.
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Anyway, I won’t let stabbing ear pain stop me from bringing you the LOLz you’ve been waiting for, so here goes. This week’s Raw was hilarious. And yes, you guessed it, in all the wrong places. Our main event storyline was like an episode of Scooby Doo. Don’t understand? You will. Actually, let’s have a spot of music just to create the correct atmosphere for this week’s Raw……
We got started with LG introducing my robot man, Randy Orton, who has his usual two robot helpers at his side. He told the crowd they were cowards and cooed over the fact that he had put a halt to the McMahon era. He went on to discuss the fact that Vickie G. had put a ‘no contact til Judgement Day’ ruling over Randy and Dave. But where there’s a will there’s a way and, as Randy himself said “just because we can’t touch, doesn’t mean we can’t talk!” Sounds like a tagline on a promotional poster for phone sex.
Batista decided he did want a chat and made his way to the ring. I’m surprised he didn’t just call Randy on his mobile and ask what he was wearing. No, wait, that was just me. Anyway, to Dave’s surprise, despite not being second or third generation, Randy invited him to join Legacy. Whaaaa? Dave was stunned. DiBiase decided to play his part in the recruitment drive and explained that being kicked in the head by Randy Orton pretty much saved him from a life of mediocrity. They look like those scary people who stand in the street shouting about how the Lord wants to save my soul from sin and lead me away from temptation. Yah. Good luck with that. I just ate three Jammie Dodgers in a row, in a week where I’m supposed to be eating healthy. Temptation resistance – not my bag.
For a brief moment I almost believed that Dave was about to jump the corporate fence and join Legacy. But then he told Randy he hated him/despised him/loathed him (delete as appropriate) and believed Randy had misunderstood the difference between Help and Hurt. YEEEAH! LOVE IT! It looked as if they might get it on right there and then, but a big screeching EX-CUUUUUUUSE MEEEEY interrupted proceedings. It went round the houses but what eventually came out if it was that Dave had to fight the Priceless boys. If Dave won he could have Randy all to himself that night. If Ted and Cody won, it would be a 3-on-1 handicap match like last week. I think. It’s all a bit convoluted.
So that match happened and Dave was disqualified for using a chair. Silly Dave, this ain’t no hardcore match. So now he has to take on all three of Legacy. Well, you’ve only got yourself to blame, sir.
So after that it was time for the women. Oh no. I thought Maryse couldn’t get any more annoying. WRONG! She’s even more irritating when she speaks French. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some kind of Francophobe or anything, her Frenchness just seems to enhance my irritation. Just flick your weave and move aside, please. Jillian, her partner, was already in the ring, so we just needed an entrance from Twitter addict, Mickie James, and Regulation Hottie, Kelly-Kelly. It was all fairly low-key, Kelly-Kelly did lots of backflips, but it all kicked off when Maryse and Mickie got in the ring together. Before that Michael Cole gave us a few interesting Maryse facts – apparently she can cook, she likes Guns and Roses and she likes men who bathe regularly. Fascinating. Grab those bars of soap, boys, you’re in with a shot! Mickie did her thing, pinned Maryse for the win, looked after baby Kelly, then got straight on her iPhone and thanked all her Twitter fans for their support. Aww. Bless.
Certainly seems that way.
Alright, you’re probably waiting for the Scooby Doo part, right? Oh, ok. Well here it is anyway. IT. WAS. AMAZING. I may even have squealed with excitement. It started a little something like this……..
Backstage Chavo railroads Vickie in to making John Cena prove he’s not faking his injuries in a match against The Miz. HUH? We’ll see how that pans out later. King and Michael Cole got in the ring to do the hard sell for the PPV, but nobody could concentrate with Scooby Rhodes missing. The saga continued…..
After that high-class comedy drama Carlito took on THE Brian Kendrick. Kendrick won and vowed to find himself a partner to challenge Carlito and Primo for the Tag Team Titles. So after that the Big Show galumphed to the edge of the announce table to watch John Cena take on The Miz. John, looking more like his normal self (yes, I released the real one back in to the community) saluted the crowd and fiercely entered the ring. Hi, honey! And then my heart sank. Never before has such a bitchin’ guitar riff made my nose scrunch up and my brow furrow. Here comes The Miz. He’s that kid you used to babysit who repeated everything you said just to piss you off. He’s the dude in college who thought being a smart-ass to the lecturer would impress the ladies. He’s the….. you get the idea.
T-shirt (minus my adaptation) available via palmercash.com, my fave t-shirt shop.
The match itself wasn’t that special. They both pulled out their usual, signature moves. It was odd not seeing some guy in a humbug shirt running around, the ref being Vickie Guerrero watching via video backstage. John proved that he was fit enough to wrestle, but then Vickie frighteningly appeared on the titantron and claimed that she did not believe he had a chance against Big Show.
Huh? Excuse ME? Does that mean the match at Judgement Day is off? Or maybe it just means the end of THIS match? This whole show is getting way too confusing. John, also feeling confused, was pounced upon by The Miz and finished off. *sigh* Oh and The Miz cleared his sinuses on John’s back too. Nice. I thought they just did that in rugby.
On to something just as confusing, some more Scooby Doo action……….
Yikes. I hope Scooby Rhodes really does have this taken care of. Back in Vickie’s office there’s more Santina nonsense. Chavo and Vickie decided to test for boner reactions by making Rosa give him/her a good luck kiss. When the reaction was overly amorous, Santino covered it up by claiming to be a lesbian. Oh please. Come on. How long are they going to string this out? Poor Beth Phoenix. She’s the best female wrestler in the entire company and she gets caught up in this silliness.
I wish Santino wasn’t such a successful comedian. Maybe then they’d have canned it earlier. Anyway, Beth and Santina wrestled, with Santina winning again. I get the joke, but can we please wrap it up with a bow and send it packing at Judgement Day? Grazie!
In the back, Josh Matthews harassed a dejected John Cena for an interview on how he’s going to muster up the strength to compete at JD. John gave a lovely speech about how, in spite of his injuries and coming up against sad/bad times, he planned on doing what he does best – adapt, overcome and go out to win. “Ahhhhh”, I was thinking. “Cena’s back”. Then just as Josh tried to recap, John came back to make sure his point was clear.
Hey-laaaa, hey-laaaa, my Cena’s back!
Back in the ring, M.V.P is hosting his first VIP Lounge segment on Raw. Not that I’ve been invited to many VIP lounges, but seems kinda lame to me. Anyway, M.V.P attempted to lure William Regal to the ring by insulting his manhood. It worked. I think last week I might have given the impression that I don’t like Regal. Not true. In fact, I’m pretty proud that a man with a Blackpool accent (albeit a slightly posh version) is on mainstream international TV with a load of Americans and Canadians. Good on yer, loovleh. Back to the action…… Montel told Regal he was boring, Regal insulted Americans (but it’s soooo easy to dooooo!) and Matt Hardy decided to throw his pouting chops in to the mix. He was closely followed by Kofi Kingston, who began ripping at Hardy. Chavo delivered a message from Vickie which said that Kofi and M.V.P would be tag-teaming against Regal and Hardy IMM-E-DI-ATELY!
Not a bad match actually. Although Matt Hardy just looks wrong wrestling in jeans. Eveny my John bearly pulls that off. And seeing Regal wrestling properly again was nicer than I had expected. M.V.P flipped Regal and pinned him for the win. Kingston and M.V.P? Future Tag Teamers? Maybe? Probably not. They have too much going for themselves individually. They look cute together though. Like Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf on Inside Sport.
Ok, so, with Scooby Rhodes and Shaggy DiBiase taken out of action by The Animal in the haunted arena, Orton had no choice but to try and unmask the evil fairground owner by himself. You’re keeping up with this analogy, right? I actually just realised that my title doesn’t correlate with what happened at the end of Raw. Oh well, too late now. Batista ripped Randy to shreds and even the late appearance from Ted and Cody couldn’t save him. So, he kinda DID get away with it, DESPITE those pesky kids. I really should have thought it though. Nevermind. You still love me, yeah? Good. Phew!
See you after Smackdown, lovelies.
Raw(lite): partie une – d’introductions
May 3, 2009 at 8:14 pm | In Backlash, Bella Twins, Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Britain, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cody Rhodes, Dave Baitsta, Europe, Goldust, Jamie Noble, Jillian, John Cena, Josh Matthews, Judgement Day, Kelly-Kelly, Kofi Kingston, Legacy, Lillian garcia, MVP, Maryse, Matt Hardy, Mickie James, Primo, Randy Orton, Raw, Rosa Mendes, Santino Marella, Shane McMahon, Ted DiBiase Jnr, The Brian Kendrick, The Miz, Triple H, Vicky Guerrero, WWE | Leave a CommentTags: Raw, WRESTLING, WWE
This is actually the second time I’ve written this post. I had almost finished it when my laptop decided to throw a wobbler. Once it rebooted only a small portion of what I had written had saved. I was CRUSHED. And, oh dear, two recaps to write before the next Raw. Whoops. Time hates me. And huge thanks to the universe for giving me a full-power migraine last night, scuppering my writing plans. I had flickering lights and everything. It was disco-time in my head. Anyway, I am now making a recovery so I’ll make an attempt at recapping Raw (for the second time) and will try to remember all the hilarious jokes I cracked first time around. You can’t just summon up that kind of spontaneity, ya know. I’m an artist.
With Backlash out of the way this week’s Raw and Smackdown were an opportunity to move on, start afresh and introduce old faces to new brands. It really was a week for introductions, and it felt like stepping outside on a beautiful Spring day and filling my lungs with fragrant, clean air. And how often can you really mention the words ‘wrestling’ and ‘fragrant’ in the same sentence?
Raw kicked off with Mouth-Almighty (Vickie Guerrero) in the ring, sporting some new hair extensions. She introduced Randy Orton, who did the robot and made his way to the ring, flanked by Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. Gotta be honest, I thought he milked the entrance a bit, but hey, I’d rather that than Triple H.
Randy swelled his own ego with a rousing speech of hatred. I think maybe the management realised that we’ve become quite fond of Randy in recent weeks and we needed to hate him again. What better way to make someone hate you than batter their self-esteem. Apparently, those of us in our twenties and younger hope for big things, huge success, we have big dreams, but in the end the odds are we will amount to nothing. YYYYYYYAAAAWCH! Randy, why you hurt me like that? What have I done to you? See, now I just wanna prove you wrong. And the outlook is in even bleaker for people in the thirties and older. Chances are they already ARE nothing. But as long as Randy is a success, that’s all that matters, right? Hate him enough now, do ya? Yeah, me too. BOOOOOOO! Mission accomplished, writing team.
Vickie fawned all over Randy like a giddy teenager and went on to announce that the winner of the Big Show/Batista match that night would be number one contender for Randy’s belt at Judgement Day.
We were then reminded that we, fans and fellow supa-stahs, were obliged to respect Mr. Orton’s achievements. But then he was conveniently interrupted by some tick-tocking. M.V.P. When he came out I was thinking ‘meh’. By the time he left, I was a fan. I’m such a sucka. I play right in to Vince’s hands every time. So, a challenger for Randy Orton. Cool. DiBiase stepped up and encouraged Montel to leave while he had the chance. And his response…. “Break yo-self, lackie, Randy didn’t give you permission to speak. So I ain’t going nowhere. Dig this Randy, I don’t have a couple of Abercrombie and Fitch models to do my talking for me. “ YEEEEEEAH! Sorry, but you know I couldn’t resist this.
M.V.P offered himself up on a plate to Randy, Cody whined, Randy whispered sweet nothings in Vickie’s ear, she confirmed that Randy and Montel would get it on on Raw that night….and no, Vickie still can’t pronounce Orton. Enunciate, baby.
First match of the night was Brian Kendrick vs Kofi Kingston. That’s right, I left out the ‘THE’, what are YOU gonna do about it, doll-face-ache? Pretty decent match. I like Kingston. I’m looking forward to a couple of years from now when he will be main-eventing. Yes, King, it is exciting to watch Kofi Kingston. He pinned Kendrick FTW. After a recap of John Cena’s dive in to a 7000w searchlight (oh, that’s what it was), we take a trip backstage with Vickie and Big Show. Don’t pretend you didn’t say EEEWWWWW! in your head.
It may very well get awful lonely on Monday nights, but I’d rather be lonely every night than, ya know. Good call, Vickie. Professional was definitely the way to go.
From the slightly ridicuous to the absolutely abominable. SantinA Marella, Kelly-Kelly, Brie Bella and Mickie James Vs Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, Jillian and Maryse. You know what? At some point, when I have a little more time, I’m going to break the habit of a lifetime and do a serious post about the women of the WWE. And unlike the ladies, it won’t be pretty. It’s getting to the stage where I almost can’t stand it any more. The whole ‘match’ was gross. This pretty much sums it up. Bleurgh!
And just to make up a hatrick of silliness, Matt Hardy solemnly walked to the ring, cradling his broken hand and branding his brother a barbarian. Ooh so many B’s. Apparently he ’suffered a brutal break to his second metacarpal’. Mmmm, medical terminology. Yum. I loves me some doctor speak. According to my deductions (meaning I asked my Dad) you would not be wrapped in a large arm cast for a broken metacarpal unless the fracture had travelled down the finger in to the hand. He certainly wouldn’t be able to wiggle his digits so freely. Trust me, I know. I broke my fingers during a particularly….err…passionate game of netball in high school. But whatever. I just remembered none of this is real anyway.
Goldust appeared, looking more and more like his father every day, to fight a one-handed Matt Hardy under duress. Check out those golden jowls. Matt, somehow, pinned Goldust and left the ring pulling ‘Oww, it hurts’ faces.
Time for a real match. Randy Orton and M.V.P. This turned out to be a great match. No, really. Their styles seemed to compliment each other and I was really getting in to the actual wrestling. Cheering, gasping, punching my fist for M.V.P. But then just as I was starting to enjoy the end of the Orton/McMahon debacle, this happened (skip to 1m 55s)……
Bloody hell! Why d’you have to go and spoil it? UUUUUURRRGH! Shane, get back to boardroom and do what you’re paid to do. The party’s over. Let the talent do the wrestling. I beg of you. You can stop impressing your Dad now.
Next up, The Miz. Google his name and he’ll have more hits than any one of us. Oh, and apparently Lauren Conrad, Paris Hilton and The Duff Sisters are in his phone and don’t know who the hell I am. I’m DEVASTATED. It’s my life’s ambition to receive a text message from Paris telling me that something is HAAAAT. Errrrrm, no. God, I know this guy is SUPPOSED to be annoying. I know he’s MEANT to make me wanna flip him the bird, but damn, it worked.
All up in my face, challenging John Cena after he’s been thrown through glass and belittling his movies. Yawch. Ok, maybe he can have that one. But still, URGH! And where do you get off picking on Lillian Garcia? She sings the national anthem and announces everyone’s stats. WTF did she do to you, jackass? I SO want Lillian’s job, by the way. Although, I doubt I’d be able to keep my cool announcing certain people to ring.
Thankfully, this irritating segment was followed by a flick through the photo album from the recent WWE tour of Europe. It’s highly probable that I squealed a high pitched WHEEEEEEE when this came on the screen.
Ha. That’s where I’m from. And they were in my town. Yey. And they’ve actually got my town’s name on Raw. Ha. Wait. That’s John Cena in one of those pictures. I didn’t know he was in town. I thought it was just the mid-carders. Shit. I missed John. Well now I’m just depressed. Thanks, Raw. Thanks a lot. Just give me another match to cheer me up. Oh, Tag-Team stuff. I’m feeling too blue to talk about that, so just know that Carlito and Primo beat Jamie Noble and Chavo when Carlito pinned Noble.
I need something to make me smile again. Ah-ha, here we go. Dave Batista about to cry. Result! Little Josh Matthews went up to big Dave Batista and asked him if he felt responsible for Triple H’s loss at Backlash. Brave, Matthews. Very brave. I like your moxy. Dave did a weepy piece to camera about how he felt Hunter’s pain and would hurt Randy Orton on his behalf. Ok, I’m back. Me smiley again.
But then Vickie Guerrero made a meal of announcing that next week’s Raw would include a match between Shane McMahon and Randy Orton. Excuse me while I choke on my own metacarpals. Something NOT to look forward to. That news almost spoilt Dave’s match with Big Show completely for me. If it wasn’t for the fact that Dave’s trunks started riding up fairly early on and he didn’t feel inclined to re-position them, I would have turned off early.
By the way, David, I TOTALLY blame you for Ricky Hatton’s loss against Manny Pacquiao last night. I fully believe that if you hadn’t escorted Manny to the ring and worked some kind of voodoo on my Ricky, he definitely would have won.
In a pleasurable twist, John Cena (remarkably uncut by all that glass) stumbled his way to the ramp, distracted Big Show, costing him not only the match, but also the opportunity to fight for some bling at Judgement Day. Oh John, I can always rely on you to be my hero and cheer me up the end of a bad day. Well, he DOES love me. He said so publicly last week on Superstars. Ah, I feel better now. Time to go recap some Smackdown.
Backlash: sweeping the big janitor’s broom
May 1, 2009 at 11:49 pm | In Backlash, Beth Phoenix, Big Show, CM Punk, Chris Jericho, Christian, Cody Rhodes, Dave Baitsta, ECW, Edge, Great Khali, JR, Jack Swagger, Jeff Hardy, Jerry 'The King' Lawler, John Cena, Kane, Kofi Kingston, Legacy, Man-Hug Moment, Matt Hardy, Michael Cole, PPV, Randy Orton, Raw, Referees, Ricky 'The Dragon' Steamboat, Santino Marella, Shane McMahon, Ted DiBiase Jnr, Triple H, WWE, Wrestlemania | Leave a CommentFollowing Wrestlemania is a tough gig. If the WWE were a Hollywood red carpet, Backlash would be the poor soul who has to step on the velvet five seconds after Angelina Jolie arrived. After the most sought after ‘event’ has arrived, everything else is kind of a let-down.
But Backlash does serve a purpose. It serves as one of those wide janitor’s brooms, sweeping away the dead feuds and fights, and making way for a brand new year. Yes, you’re right, I AM feeling very philosophical today. Backlash turned out to be surprisingly good. Let’s see how it all panned out.
After an intro which sounded like an excerpt from a Tolkien novel, it was time to get down to the serious business of belt exchange. ECW kicked everything off with Christian/Jack Swagger. Yes, I am a peep. I was looking forward to this one. I’m ashamed to say that I don’t give ECW enough of my time, but at least I get to dip a toe in to extweem waters at the PPVs.
The match was very good. There was something very amateur about it. And I mean that in the olympic sense of two men spooning and flipping each other. I like submission moves only slightly less than the high-flying-jumpy nonsense. I think it’s all that long drawn-out touching. The match also produced some in-ring man-hugs, which you know make me all warm and fuzzy inside. They held each other so tight I started singing Johnny Logan’s Hold Me Now. Nothing like a bit of shit Irish pop from the 80s to really pep up a wrestling match.
Christian won and the peeps went wild, including me. Who’d have thought I’d get so excited about an ECW match? Time for Captain Charisma to take his new bling backstage and receive some love from his fellow ECW buds. But wait….someone else is waiting in the wings too. EDGE. Oh My God. Seeing the two of them together again was like opening an old photo album from a decade ago. Amazing. And I loved the whole ‘what happened to you? bit. You used to be…I dunno…fun?’ Edge you’ve chaaaaanged. It’s kind of early in the show for this, but hey, I’ve got plenty of capacity for multiple ones…… WRESTLEGAAAAASSSSSMMM! Oooof! That was nice. What’s next?
Uh-oh. I don’t know if I’m quite ready for another wrestlegasm yet. Chris Jericho’s on his way to the ring. Give me a minute……. Ok, so, on the Raw after Wrestlemania Ricky Steamboat made a big, dragon sized splash. And as the WWE has a penchant for milking a good thing for everything it’s worth, almost a month on they’re still wheeling the poor guy out against Jericho. Is it just me or did Ricky lose a few clumps of hair between Raw and Backlash? He looked extra old, making my earlier claim that he was kind of sexy even more vomit enducing by the day. Anyway….fight.
It wasn’t a great match. It was, however, very noisy. There was lots of AAAAAAAAAAAAH! OHHHHHHHHHHH! HUHHHHHHH! COME OOOOOOON! But if you think about the fact that this is a 56 year old man holding his own against a man young enough to be his son (just) it was quite impressive(ish).I suppose because the match was the end of a feud it didn’t really mean anything. It’s all finito. Jericho twisted Ricky in to the Walls of Jericho and forced him to tap out. Chris left the ring and let the ledge have his moment in the sun.
There was a backstage moment between Santino and Beth, but at this stage I was still boycotting their story so I closed my eyes and ears off to it. Back in the arena Kane and CM Punk were preparing for battle. I almost cut the next part out. My infatuation with ‘CM Punk’s Junk’ has been remarked upon elsewhere in unfavourable terms. But, well, who cares what anyone else thinks? My mission statement warned against this kind of sexual silliness so, legally, I’m covered.
Punk is wearing the lavender coloured trunks again. He obviously read last week’s Raw recap and wore them especially for me….being that I enjoyed them so much. Oh you’re such a flirt, Punky, but you know I love a flirt. Mwah! So, yeah, there was actually a match too. Gotta be honest, I can’t remember much. I really was too distracted. And it was another one of those ‘end of game’ matches, allowing Kane to avenge his loss in the Wrestlemania Money in the Bank match and move on. It was actually pretty solid throughout, and ended with Kane pinning Punk.
Much as I love the lavender shorts, they do have the disadvantage of being quite indescreet with regard to ass-sweat. Personally, I like to think the wet patches are physical symbols of effort, but you might wanna get some Right Guard down there if you’re going to continue wearing those shorts for me, hun.
Now on to Brother vs Brother in the ‘I Quit’ match. I was surpised how much I enjoyed this match. I had planned for boredom and planted Glamour magazine down the side of the armchair in case I needed some additional stimulation. But who needs to know how to recreate Miley Cyrus’ cover-look when you’ve got the wrestling equivalent of Joan Rivers in the ring, in the form of the referee. Armed with a big fluffy mic in his back pocket, he annoyingly shoved it in between Matt and Jeff’s lips at every possible opportunity. At least he didn’t call either of them a fugly bitch or frighten small children with his face.
It was all going as expected until proceedings took a sinister twist. Matt was rolling around in agony. Then came the table, which Matt was spread across. Then, by some magical coincidence, some duct tape and rope appeared. This doesn’t look good for Matthew. Jeff tied him up like a side of beef ready for roasting. All of a sudden I’ve got a hankering for gravy.
Then came the ladder. Uh-oh. Followed by the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in ages. Matt, tied to a table, pleading for his life. “JEFF. I’M SORRY, JEFF. I LOVE YOU, JEFF. MATT LOVES YOU. WE’RE BROTHERS. THE HARDY BOYS. WE CAN DO IT ALL AGAIN. DADDY WOULDN’T LIKE IF YOU DID THIS.” Oh my god, it was amazing, in such a bad way. See what I mean about the WWE being comical in all the wrong places?
Realising that Jeff wasn’t about to retreat, Matt shouted out ‘I QUIT’ and the bell was tolled. But that didn’t stop he of the purple locks. He jumped over the top of his ladder and planted his posterior on his brother’s breast-bone. There’s nothing like family, eh?
Randy Orton did a little piece to camera and back in the arena The Great Khali was carrying his colossal carcus to the ring. Christ, if I wasn’t reviewing this shit I SOOOOOO would have fast-forwarded this next segment. See all the pain I put myself through for my readers? I’m a trooper. Much as I tried to resist it, I did laugh. Even though in my head I was saying “Don’t laugh. It’ll only encourge them to keep churning out this bollocks.” Santino Marella, as far as comedy performances go, is actually really good. But the stories they give him are beyond irritating. The Rock managed to be funny without dressing like a lady. I tried not to laugh when Santina declared her love for Jim Ross, but I couldn’t help it. And when Khali ripped Santina/o’s top off, leaving her/him running out the arena clutching her/his boobs/moobs I actually LOL’d. What’s happening to me? Thank god my old-skool ECW DVDs arrived today. I need a reality check.
Next up we have the match I was kind of dreading. I was just so bored with the whole Macmahon-Family-Masturbation-Moments that I wasn’t sure I could bear any more. AAAAnd I’m pissed off that Shane ignored my advice to wear less clothes. Purely for wellbeing purposes, of course. You know, sometimes I wonder if Randy Orton is actually human. Remember when he first appeared on our screens with a bad haircut and slightly chubby in the face? I swear he went away and Vince sent him back as a cyborg. Seriously, did you see the way Legacy walked to the ring? I’m convinced if you sliced open Orton’s chest an array of sparking wires and cables would pour out.
Anyway, the match wasn’t that bad. In places it was pretty good, especially towards the end when it was just Hunter and Randy in the ring alone. In fact, when Randy jumped in the air, threw his arms around Triple H’s neck and dragged him to the ground I may have just leaped from my armchair and said “YESSSSSS!”. Not that I was involved or anything. A kick to the head later and it was all over. I always feel slightly uneasy when they bring the paramedics in. I know it’s all for dramatic effect, but still, it makes my tummy feel strange. And the way Lawler, Ross and Cole drop their voices down an octive. They do the serious-times voice. Don’t like it. Apparently Triple H is going to have a nice little holiday now. Good. He’s been getting on my nerves. It’ll give me the chance to miss him.
Ok, here we go. Last Man Standing. Edge. John Cena. I’ve been crushing on this match for weeks so it better not disappoint. It didn’t. It. was. awesome. Punch after kick after drop after count. Just when you thought they had taken their last breath, they stumbled to their feet again. It all really started kicking off when Edge cleared the announce table and set John up for a drop through the table. But in a counter move John flipped Edge in to the crowd, dropping his oily form on top of an ‘unsuspecting fan’. Notice how nobody helped the ‘fan’ up to his feet? ha.
Edge DID make it to his feet, so on we go. But not back to the ring……….they then started scuttling through the hyperactive crowd, followed by the referees. From the crowd they moved to the arena lobby, where there seemed to be an alarming number of people shelling out for overpriced nachos and hotdogs while this was going on. Errrrm. Hang on a minute here. I don’t know how much the tickets for Backlash cost, but who would go and buy snacks while the main event was going on? Even if you weren’t a fan of either dude, wouldn’t you at least want to see the headlining match? Strange people.
They re-entered the arena, conveniently finding themselves at the top of the ramp. John dropped Edge in to the hard stage and Edge cracked John with something that just fell in to his hand. It was a carefully positioned hard-hat. Don’t you just hate when construction workers leave their shit lying around? Anyway, Edge whacked John with a chair, but the babe made it back up again, picking Edge up across his shoulders as he went. But just as he was about to go for another drop, Big Show appeared. Whaaaaaa? Oh yeah, he was involved in the same Wrestlemania match. I forgot.
In more adventures in randomness, Big Show lifted John by the neck and slammed in to a large side-stage spotlight thing. I love the idea that someone was sat under the ramp with a big, red, GO button to press when John hit the sugar-glass, so that a big puff of smoke would fly up. And I love that it was set up to have flames coming out the back for authenticity.
The flames were extinguished and with “John Cena covered in shards of glass” he was counted out, giving Edge the much pursued title. See? Told you it was awesome.
And by far the best thing of all was when Christian, Kofi Kingston, Finley and CM Punk (so concerned at John’s condition) came out in their off-duty-wrestler-outfits to see what they could do to assist the medics. Thank god Punk was there to do up that final strap on the stretcher. I mean, seriously, what would the paramedics have done without Dr. Punk’s expertise? I love you WWE.
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