raw(lite): violets and maidens

I didn’t see the first hour of this week’s Raw. It was my last night in America and I was out with my young man stuffing my face with delicious Banana Cream Cheesecake. And for those of you with impossibly smutty minds, no, that’s not a euphemism. We also drove around Hillsboro Village for a bit and pretended we were going to spend lots of money at the Tiffany’s in the Green Hills Mall in Nashville. I’m not sure what gave our Plebeian tendencies away but I think my badly chipped nail varnish might have had something to do with it. Maybe I should have gone in there AFTER I dropped a fortune in Sephora and the Apple Store. Anyway, all this means I missed Little People’s Court. A blessing indeed, but I can’t start a Raw recap an hour in, so I went back to the start and took the bullet in the name of offering a full recap service. I will be rewarded in heaven.

I’ve spoken before of my disinterest in baseball, so the fact that Johnny Damon was guest hosting this week’s show didn’t really register with me. Although, I was informed by my previously mentioned young man that I should feign interest in any Yankee, just because they’re Yankees.

In a moment of pure class, this week’s Raw started with Damon in the ring,  a man in a tiger suit  being chased around the arena by a Swedish looking lady wielding a golf club and an acidic feeling in the stomachs of wrestling fans everywhere. Haha The breakdown of a marriage, the destruction of a family and the death of a perfectly manufactured public persona are HILARIOUS! It was so ridiculous it made the traditional Divas’ Santa’s Little Helpers Match look dignified.

Actually, Melina's leopard print trim is pretty cute.

As I mentioned, DX were finally summoned to Little People’s Court.

Time for a match – Legacy vs Mark Henry, Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne *sigh*. Not the best of matches, but after LP’sC, it felt like heaven. And Mr. Bourne shone like the streak of lightning he is, which was rather pleasing.  Ok, so Kofi got the pin on Ted, but Evan did all the leg-work.

In my world, Cody keeps his hand there and gives Ted a big kiss to make him feel better.

Backstage, corporate escorts The Bellas entertained the guest host and Father Christmas while Eve helped herself to some Eggnog.  As is the norm with work-based Christmas parties, Carlito cracked on to Eve and tried to snatch a smooch under the mistletoe. Eve was repulsed and was quickly protected by her new and shirtless beau, Chris Masters. The fight had to be broken up by Santa.

Oh dear. Flashback to Matt Striker in his Santa-suit at the Wrestlegasm Staff Christmas Party. Now I think I remember why I like Melina’s outfit so much. Rumours that I wore something similar are a complete fabrication. Anyway, Santa turned out to be Sargeant Slaughter, who helped Johnny Damon  make a match between to two lovesick pups.

After some more DX awfulness, my brain was saved by a John Cena vs Jack Swagger match. Thank God they’ve let Jack Swagger back on Raw. I missed him. John Cena had vowed to remain undefeated until he won the WWE Championship back from Sheamus and for most of this excellent match it looked as if that vow was to be broken. But don’t be silly now. You didn’t think John would lose in the first week of his epic quest, did you? Completely unrelated to this match… while it proceeded my boyfriend’s teenage sister turned to me and said “Rachel, have you ever noticed that John Cena’s got a REALLY BIG BOTTOM?” “Yes, I have.” I responded.  “And it’s magnificent.” She agreed.

FACT! If by 'fact' you mean a lie I made up to make myself laugh.

Backstage, Johnny Damon was still hanging about with Santa, but Santa seemed to have scoffed a barrel-full of mince pies since the last backstage segment, as he appeared rather more rotund. MVP showed up and requested a title shot against Sheamus. As Santa was convinced that MVP could “wawk da wawk and tawk da tawk” he granted that wish. And just in case that unmistakable voice wasn’t ringing any bells with you…….

There’s nothing like a match with a purpose and a scrap to win the heart of a fair maiden always goes down well; especially when that fair maiden is wearing awesome over-the-knee boots. It’s no fun watching a lady forced to kiss a man she hates. That’s very illegal. So our hero just had to win. And his prize?

*Saved by the Bell style

Over in the GM’s office……

Gross!

Santa number three was being accosted by The Miz, who was doing his best Violet Beauregarde impression.

That third and final bringer of gifts turned out to be IRS, who proceeded to blister Miz about his dodgy tax forms. Then the blonde Swede ran in again, everyone disappeared but the boss, Mae Young molested Johnny Damon and  I threw my 6-iron at the TV in frustration. Yes, I like golf. What of it?

MVP got that title match against Sheamus but made no headway. This was followed by a visit from John Cena, who wanted his rematch right there and then. Sheamus did not want to play ball and disappeared up the ramp post haste. And just in case you hadn’t heard by that point, it was pretty much confirmed that Bret Hart will be hosting Raw on 4th January. Also….. The Miz demolished Santino Claus, we had some more Little People’s Court and another plug for Ted DiBiase’s movie, The Marine 2. Not that I’m trying to skip through to the end quickly or anything.

Next we found Big Show in the ring, feeling sad and calling upon the real Santa to come down and grant his Christmas wish. That wish was for BFF Chris Jericho to be allowed back on Raw. Santa obliged. While he made a better job of covering his voice than Dusty Rhodes , that familiar Canadian lilt began creeping through as the segment went on and….

Shocker!

Then some little people came out. It was messy and stupid and wasn’t even saved the Hornswoggle’s official induction into DX. The only thing that made me not want the show to end was that I knew I had to pack my suitcase straight afterwards, so that I could leave America the next morning.