crotch watch: it’s been a long time, baby

cwfinal

It’s been quite some time since the last edition of Crotch Watch and judging by some of the emails I’ve been getting, it’s long overdue. Also, lovely Abby is getting married on Saturday and I’m giving her a final chance to be a non-married pervert. Married perverts are the WORST! :p

CM Punk’s trunks have been jumping all over the the place lately, and not just because he’s got a new lady friend. Amy ‘Lita’ Dumas got the note he passed to her in gym class that said “Alls I need to know is if you’re gonna be my girlfriend!” and she replied favourably. We’ve gone from the beautiful canary yellow of Summerslam, back to the white, the black n green, to the royal blue, back to the sunshiney yellow…… you get the idea but I think we need some pictures just to be sure. My photoshop is trying to make me cry so you’ll have to make do with a brief oselection of what I could pull together.

Capture4

Capture5

Capture6

You’re welcome, ladies. You’re welcome. Does anyone else think the white ones seems to have taken on a tanga shape? Not a complaint, just an observation.

In the last Crotch Watch I bared my soul and revealed my CM Punk naked laundry dream. Since then I have had one other Punky dream, but not nearly as entertaining. Although, he was wearing the white trunks again and the world title belt, and it involved limousine. That’s all you’re getting. I do have SOME dignity, you know.

So huge has Crotch Watch become, that even heterosexual men are now contributing to it.  Mr. A.P Southern of somewhere near Blackpool way alerted me to this picture this week. It raises an important question……

29933462

Whaddaya say, people? It’s a tough call. It could be that Punk’s trunks are exactly the same colour as his heavily bronzed thighs. Or it could be that he wanted to just let it all hang out that day. Never let it be said (again) that I don’t provide content that encourages lively and intellectual debate.

Now that Mr. Punk has been inappropriately objectified, let’s move on to see what’s been going on with the fashionz in other areas of the company.  Since The Miz made his way back to Raw under the initial guise of The Calgary Kid, he’s been making miraculous strides in his pursuit of the the US Title. Who would have thought that switching to trunks would have made him, well, good? Maybe it’s like when fertility doctors recommend that men get a little air to their crown jewels so that their swimmers don’t overheat. The Miz is obviously enjoying the breeze.

Oh and what was I saying about hetero men contributing to this site? I recently found this stuck to my facebook, courtesy of a Wrestlegasm footsoldier.

6570_145278301387_629461387_3309914_5398277_n

Ok, it was courtesy of my good friend, Matt, who took his niece to a house show in Flint, MI. But footsoldier sounds cool. Thank you, Mr. F. I’m surprised The Miz is allowing that sign to share the same airspace as him, but if someone from Flint told me I was a bedwetter, I think I’d probably give them the benefit of the doubt and walk away slowly too.

In other news, Randy Orton delighted me beyond belief at the Breaking Point PPV last Sunday. No, nothing to do with possibly the most homo-erotic match ever to grace our TV screens (I’ll come back to that in a day or so. *sigh*) It was actually his interview with Josh Matthews. As you know, I love a good Josh Matthews interview, and while Randy sat in the lockeroom contemplating his match with John Cena and being a total prick to Josh, I noticed this……

Check out the gallery or trunks above the title belt.

Check out the gallery of trunks above the title belt.

You see, Randy Orton doesn’t just reach in to his laundry and pull out the first pair of clean trunks that jump in to his hand. Oh no. When you’re packing that much in, you need to consider which are the most suitable for the show and your mood. Alright, so Randy only really has one mood. But different occasions require alternate groin-wear. I like to imagine Randy gets Ted and Cody to unpack his kitbag and line all the trunks up while he paces back and forth, picking them up, stretching them out, holding them up against himself in the mirror, before finally settling on a pair.

200457850-001

As for my favourite girly fashion moment, it’s been quite a while so there’s a lot to choose from.

My favourite in-ring offering was the fierce new outfit they’ve given to Natalya. Cuteness. And I hope some new clobber means they’ll be giving her a little push from here on in. The girls are dropping like flies at the moment.

It has a maple leaves and hearts on it. Because she's Canadian. And a (Nied)hart. Genius.

It has maple leaves and hearts on it. Because she's Canadian. And a (Nied)hart. Genius.

The stars came out to play at Summerslam this year and who doesn’t love seeing wrestle people in normal party clothes? It’s such a novelty. It’s mundane and yet you cannot stop yourself from looking. To quote one of my favourite trashy chick flicks “I love seeing teachers outside of school. It’s like watching a dog walk on its hind legs.”

I like to see a little bravery when it comes to fashion. I like to see a little thought behind a special outfit. So the award for best dressed went to Alicia Fox.

Frazer Harris/Getty

If anyone knows where this dress if from, please email me. I want it. And to all the fools who questioned the headband, open a fashion magazine or a music magazine, FFS. That whole outfit is about as on-trend as it could be.

Also, Maria. Everyone pointed and laughed at her sequined butterfly hair accessory. Why? At least she TRIED. Unlike some of the others who grabbed at the first thing the wardrobe lady handed out.

Kisses straight back atcha, honey.

Kisses straight back atcha, honey.

Final fashion award goes to Melina. Check out Mr. and Mrs. LA being all….LA!

Squish

Squish

Would I wear that dress? Nuh! Never. But she rocks it. So I give you a big fashion-squeeze, Melina.

That’s all for now. There will another Crotch Watch when I get round to….. errrr…. watching some more crotches, I guess. And I suppose, now that he’s moving up the ranks and all, I’ll finally have to address the Zack Ryder issue. Now, go back to that picture of nudey CM Punk and inspect it even closer. I know you want to.

raw(lite): oh canada! oh jericho! ohhhhh yessss!

In theory, this post should have been up on Tuesday. Thursday, at the latest.  But I actually found myself spending my evenings doing some research for a piece for college this week, so it’s been delayed. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I took my laptop to bed last night to finish this post and ended up falling asleep with a copy of Rock Sound Magazine open on my lap. Nothing at all.

————————————————————————————————————————————-

This week’s Raw was comforting. It was a reminder that the show can function very nicely without the crutch of a two-bit celebrity and a reminder that all the talent they need is right there already on the roster. Ok, Sergeant Slaughter isn’t technically on the roster but you get what I mean. Was it the greatest Raw? Not even close. But it was a marked improvement on last week’s show, which gives me good feelings all over.

We started with Randy Orton, in the ring, belt aloft, beautiful. Randy has been kind of out of the loop the past week or so, what with all the celebrity interference. Or maybe I just missed him. Or maybe his thighs just got extra spectacular since last week.

ttsaltw

Well done, babe. I was right behind you. I did 6.4

So what we have here is your classic PPV promo segment. Hallelujah! You’re kind of late to the Summerslam party, Raw, but let’s boogie! Randy began by reasserting his super-heel status via the belittlement of the Calgary audience.The ‘YOU SUCK’ chants erupted around the arena, which Randy TOTALLY got off on. His microphone almost got some very exclusive ‘oral pleasure’.

vlcsnap-987846 copy

He also made it clear that he would be making mincemeat of John Cena at Summerslam, contrary to the rumours circulating that John had the upper hand.  John, as you would expect, had a response. So he made his angry way to the ring. Uh-oh! John is pissed. ROYALLY pissed. I have a feeling his temper may blow its banks, causing my insides explode from the excitement. KABOOOOOOOM!

vlcsnap-997545

Wow! I haven’t seen John this furious since his mini-feud with Edge after Wrestlemania. It’s possible that I may have made a WHEEEEEE kind of sound while this little piece was going on. Make that ‘probable’.   I was getting tense just watching all that up-close jaw clenching. John got all up in Randy’s chops and it was a battle of wills to see who would go in for the kiss first.

jcrottrk copy

Much to my overwhelming disappointment, the imminent smooch was rudely interupted by Chris Jericho and Big Show. But my initial feeling of irritation was quickly replaced with delight at seeing Jericho’s new suit. I believe my Twitter went something like………..

jgsww

Speaking of Twitter, in the early hours of Monday morning, Mr. Chris Jericho was partaking in some rather amusing drunk tweeting. Due to my living seven hours  ahead of Calgary, I got to witness the whole thing from my desk at work. In case you missed it, my favourite was……..

jerichoct1

This late night revelry revealed itself on Raw. No amount of clever make-up and cucumber slices can de-puff eyes like that and if you wait for the close-up, they’re more than a little bloodshot.

vlcsnap-1009719 copy

Anyway, the physical effects of the hangover did not seem to dampen Jericho’s enthusiasm. Being in Calgary seemed to buoy him up even more. Big Show’s opening gambit even had to be paused for a few moments while the crowd got their repeated Y2J chants out of their beer soaked systems. They calmed down, Show finished his speech and then Chris took the spotlight. He only had to open his mouth for half a second before the crowd lost their minds. Even John couldn’t hold his smile in when he was supposed to be all stern like.

Stop smirking, John. You're supposed to look pissed off!

Stop smirking, John. You're supposed to look pissed off!

All this culminated in Jericho announcing that Slaughter had given him a match against John, and Show was granted a match against Randy. Right, so we’re 600 words in and there hasn’t even been a match yet. Anyone would think I’ve got a thing for John Cena. And Randy Orton. And Chris Jericho. And Big…… three outta four ain’t bad. We’d better get a match in.

With Maryse needing her knee sliced open, someone had to step up to Mickie James. Alicia Fox, Kelly-Kelly, Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix went against each other in a fourway match to be number one contender. This was actually a REALLY good match. Ok, so it was always going to come down to Beth or Gail, but they worked really hard. And the powers that be gave them some time to build the match too, which rarely happens. Beth pulled off one of those highly impressive ‘marvel at my immense strength’ moves……

Anything John can do, Beth can do better, Beth can do anything better can John.

Anything John can do, Beth can do better, Beth can do anything better than John.

……but the pin eventually went to Gail Kim. I do feel a teeny bit sorry for the Glamazon. I mean, she stuck it out through that painful Santina period without much ‘ffws na ffwdan’ as we Welsh language speakers say. She kind of deserved a title run. But I adore Gail Kim, so no complaints from my bench.

NEEEEXT!

Sergeant Slaughter came out for the first of many insults to Canada. He demanded that they stand up and pledge allegiance to the American flag. Riiiiight! You might as well ask the Welsh to affectionately lick the English flag. NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN.

I mean, look at that ferocious creature? Take THAT King George. You mess with me, my dragon kicks your arse.

I mean, look at that ferocious creature? Take THAT King George. You mess with me, my dragon burns your arse.

Jack Swagger made light but entertaining work of Evan Boure, which left Jack with bleeding gums. Mmmm, scurvy is the sexiest of all the vitaand min deficiencies.  M.V.P appeared and buttered the crowd up by knocking Swagger on his rather fine behind. Actually, that one looked like it really hurt. Nothing like a bruised coccyx to take the wind out of one’s sails.

vlcsnap-1020261

Montel challenged Jack to a match that night, but he refused, alluding only to the possibility of a match next week before disappearing up the ramp.

Remember last week when a disturbingly puffed-out Triple H vowed to make us all suck it? Well he was forced to travel to Texas to bring his buddy back from the brink of banality. (So many B’s.) I say ‘Texas’, but really it could have been any generic office building anywhere in the world.  HBK was discovered working as a chef in a trashy cafeteria and had been reduced to serving defrosted muck to ungrateful children. Hunter was not impressed.

vlcsnap-1021806

Back up North Eugene (what?) was taking on the Calgary Kid (who?) for a contract to get in to the company. Whatever. I honestly thought this was some kind of local joke I didn’t get, so I just rode it out until the Calgary Kid began pulling off the mask and I realised it was The Miz. The Miz, who everyone was SOOO upset about last week, was back. See? Didn’t I say he’d be ok? Listen to Auntie Ray. She knows stuff about shit. Or is it the other way round?

vlcsnap-1022882

Alright, next up Randy and Big Show were to tough it out. It was ok. I mean, Big Show is slow and Randy is deliberately slithery and calculating, so it felt like filler. Randy was getting beaten up so he left the ring and got himself counted out. Big Show sulked but who really cares.

Trips was making headway with persuading Mr. Hickenbottom to become Shawn Michaels again, but still no cigar. So we scooted over to Chris Masters vs M.V.P.  I notice Masters now enters the arena under the cover of darkness. Obviously a move to ensure we don’t see any more of his terrible tanning disasters.  M.V.P took the match within three minutes, but Jack Swagger made his way out, distracted M.V.P and gave Masters the nod to take him down.  Swagger jumped in to finish the job.

Back in Texas a granny snarled SUCK IT in to the camera and Michaels kicked a small child. I believe that means DX are back. Good work, Officer H. Now bring that boy on home. In the arena, Hornswoggle and Mark Henry fought Rhodes and DiBiase. Team Legacy won, giving them the opportunity challenge DX. I totally didn’t see that coming. So shocking!

Any excuse to use a pic of SJP.

Any excuse to use a pic of SJP.

I need me some Josh Matthews after that incredible shock! Ah. There he is, with Chris Jericho. WAIT! Did Jericho have that beard earlier? Maybe I was too distracted by his lovely suit to notice. I feel like I’ve seen that face-fuzz somewhere before. Oh yeah.

jaoot3m

In a moment of comedy genius, after praising Canada til the cows came home, Jericho made the faux pas of dissing it when he thought he was off camera. DOH! An oldie but a goodie.

Exactly.

Exactly, Chris.

The final match, Jericho and Cena, was moving along swimmingly and it appeared that Cena had the upper hand when he hugged Jericho in to the STF. But Randy soon appeared, started doing a strange twitchy dance in front of John and distracted him long enough for Jericho to bring him down. Big Show got involved, things got messy and Slaughter had to bring the troops to order. He commanded that Jericho and Big Show tag team against Cena and Orton next week. Ooooh, I wonder what Buffy’s husband will have to say about that. Well, John-Boy, you kept saying you wanted to work with your BFF, now you’ve got your wish. Big Show was rolled out of the ring like a humongous log and as John threw Jericho on to his shoulders for the Attitude Adjustment, Orton ran in and RKO’d Jericho back down again. It was AWESOME.

vlcsnap-1036634 copy

extreme makeover: wrestlegasm edition

So, I’m just about over the jet-lag now and, as you can see, the site’s had a bit of a makeover. I thought it was time I spruced things up a bit, do a little editing on the About page, start giving an identity to my regular features etc. Hope you like it.

My latest trip to the US was amazing. I got to see parts of the country I’ve never seen before, I proved I could survive in the Northern Michigan woods without WiFi and a TV, I met new people, made fantastic new friends and built up a bank of lovely memories. I also got to spend some time in my beloved Tennessee, which I’m convinced gets prettier every summer. My departure from Nashville airport was as tearful as ever, but hey, I’ll be back in a few months for my young man’s graduation, so not too long before I’m back on Southern soil again. Miss me, America.

My boyfriend's house.....nah..... not really.... just the Kentucky welcome centre.

My boyfriend's house.....nah..... not really.... just the Kentucky welcome centre.

But don’t think that just because I was discovering the New World (for about the eleventh time) I was ignoring the Wrestle World. I was keeping a shifty eye on what was going on.  This week, while unpacking my suitcase back home, I even thought I’d spotted CM Punk on Homes Under the Hammer.……………..

huth

…but then I realised it was the timezone fog confusing my brain. Punk is way hotter than some random, bearded  property developer. What was I thinking?

So much has happened since I last recapped anything.

We’ve had some obscure guest hosts on Raw:

ZZTOPWRONG

CM Punk finally went full-on Straight Edge on our asses:

Uh-oh! Looks like Punk found out about the beer and cigar event I went to at Woody's Smokes and Brews in Franklin.  Sorry, chicken. Still love me?

Uh-oh! Looks like Punk found out about the beer and cigar event I went to at Woody's Smokes and Brews in Franklin. Sorry, chicken. Still love me?

Edge kept Dr. Jim Andrews busy and put an end to Team Canada:

woeisadam

Triple H rediscovered his sense of humour:

dxreunion

The Women’s Division was reduce further to fluffy nonsense:

bikinimatch

Way to make me feel fat, Seth Green Bikini Match.

So, now on to Night of Champions. Which reminds me, I need to order it before I go to bed. Time to pull on my new Green Bay Packers pyjamas and settle down. See you in a day or so, people. It’s great to be back at wrestlegasm.  Mwah!

smackdown(lite): eh-men

After the ridiculous dramatics of Trump Buys Raw, I was looking forward to the understated genius that is Smackdown. To kick things off, Josh Matthews decided to hold an in-ring interview with Jeff Hardy.  First, Josh reminded him of his win over Edge at Extreme Rules. Ahhh. Good times. But then he reminded him of how CM Punk cashed in his MITB contract just seconds later. And theeeeen, just to rub even more vinegar in to the gash, Josh went on the remind Jeff that he had been SOOO CLOSE to regaining the title on the special Raw earlier in the week, but Punk had foiled his plans again and kept the belt. Bloody hell, Josh! How about you remind ME not to call YOU next time I’m feeling a bit blue.

yafj

Jeff was given  a moment to leave his failures in the past, so it’s only fair that CM Punk has his say too.  The crowd are still confused about what to make of New Punk. It’s kind of like when New Wave music hit in the very early 80s. It’s not hard, it’s not soft. Kind of in the middle. New CM Punk is the Blondie of WWE, but with black hair and strange insomnia bags under his eyes. Phillip, get some sleep chicker, or at least borrow some of Debbie’s concealer. (BTW I’m not actually old enough to remember New Wave ‘hitting’. I just watch a lot of rock-docs.)

dhgccmpbwb

They ALMOST did the Drugs v Just Say No story, but they bottled it. Chickens! They just skated around the topic, like the Seinfeld ‘The Contest’ episode.

smoyd

During the break, Punk left and Jeff stayed to have a roll around with Jericho. This match had no reason, other than to be exquisitely entertaining and not to ruin the PPV matches by showing us something we have the priviledge of paying to see a couple of weeks later. But wait, there’s a twist. A simple but perfect twist.  The front row directly left of the ramp was graced with three guys in Rey Mysterio face-shirts and masks.  Ah! But! One of them WAS Rey Mysterio. At an opportune moment Rey jumped the barrier, swung his legs around Jericho’s neck, took him down and jumped back in to this seat. Naturally, the referee was otherwise engaged in the ring and missed the whole thing. With Jericho dazed and confused, Jeff was able to make the pin for the win.

rmsitc

PSSST! REY! The guy behind you with the camera is blowing your cover.

Oh, Smackdown. It you were a fella I would have the biggest crush on you right now. I’d write I <3 SD on Post-Its and stick them all over my office. Which would be quite embarrassing as I am:

a) a fully grown lady

b) more immature than the students I try to teach how to be a grown up

Anyway, backstage Layla and Eve were arguing over who a can of hairspray belonged to. Yeah. Really. They needed Maria to separate them and allocate the spritzer to Eve. Seems the dance-off, the arm-wrestle and the cat-fighting was all worthless ’cause all they needed was a gentle word from Freuline Maria. Who knew? Their moment was interrupted by Dolph Ziggler who, by some freak of nature, I am starting to dig. DOH! The ladies pretended they didn’t know what his name was and he skulked off in a mood.

vlcsnap-2340585

His match with Khali was kind of a wipeout. Ziggler won via DQ. I’d like to see him get  a feud going with someone else. I’m kind of biased against Khali.

He's the shame of sexy? Duh! Actually, Todd looks amazingly handsome in that picture, so he may be in with a shot.

He's the shamen of sexy? Duh! Actually, Todd looks amazingly handsome in that picture, so he may be in with a shot.

Alright, time for the girls to get up and, oh boy, am I happy there’s going to be a Women’s Title Match at The Bash. There hasn’t been a proper Women’s division match at a PPV since before Wrestlemania. Alicia Fox took Melina on with, of course, Michelle McCool at her side. The match was fine.  I think at one point Todd Grisham might have said “you’ve gotta bend Melina pretty good to make her scream.” Oh, Todd. You like to pretend you know that from experience, don’t you? Melina went on to win the match but Michelle took exception, kicking her in the face and out the ring.

But here was the shocker….. Michelle took a microphone and SPOKE! Yes, a women’s match at a PPV AND a promo. My cup runeth over. Although, the lack of mic time might have hampered Michelle’s delivery technique. She seemed a little….awkward. But I don’t care. A promo, however disjointed,  from one of the girls totally made my day.

vlcsnap-2347567 copy

Alrighty. Back to the boys and Edge was in the ring, not too chuffed about being paired up with rising star, John Morrison. I swear, every single time I write about Morrison I type ‘Jim’ and then have to backspace for ‘John’.  Anyway, Edge accused John of wanting to ‘be’ him. Morrison responded by doing a REALLY bad Canadian accent, and he told Edge he’d better stop complaining of he’d give him something to complain about. Oooh. Handbags at dawn.

vlcsnap-2352507 copy

It's rai-ning eh's. Halleluiah! It's raining eh's, eh-men!

I heard lots of talk about the mainstream introduction of The Hart Dynasty last week, but Morrison’s big match with Edge was an understated big-deal too.  Definitely a step up the career ladder. Brilliant match! BRILLIANT! Edge took it with a spear, but it was so good. How many times can I say I love Smackdown before I get so annoying people stop visiting? I think I’m probably on the borderline right now. I’ll stop.

R-Truth and Cryme Tyme took Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin and Ricky Ortiz on in a three-man tag. It was fine. Ya know, as expected.

Fresh from his stint sitting in the crowd, Rey Mysterio made his way past the crowd and jumped in to the ring. You know what I was thinking when he was touching foreheads with the masked kids this week? That he must whisper inspirational phrases in their ear. Life-affirming statements that will carry them through their adolescence and in to adulthood.  Stuff like this maybe…….

mm

Ah. If only I’d touched faces with a masked wrestler when I was a kid, maybe I’d have been a superstar. *day-dreaming*. Anyway, Mysterio challenged Jericho to a rematch so he could regain his Intercontinental Title. His speech was interrupted by Jericho who, after a beautiful verbal tustle, told Rey that if he wanted a rematch he’d have to be willing to de-PVC his face if he lost. This was all agreed so we’ll see  how that pans out at The Bash, but it’s pretty safe to say we won’t be seeing Mysterio’s face any time soon. Or will we? Oooh.

As Smackdown is all about delicately interwoven storylines that don’t need to show you a PPV main event before the PPV, Rey Mysterio stayed in the ring to go up against CM Punk while Jericho slid over to JRs hip, donned a headset and spoke mean words about Rey.  Jericho is wicked on commentary. Seriously. He never runs out of the perfetc words. Take note Rhodes and DiBiase. Stringing a coherent  sentence together is part of your job. K?  When Jericho reaches retirement, PLEEEEASE give him a commentary job.

By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice at the beginning of the show that Punk was back in his lavender tinted shorts again. The article of clothing that made CROTCH WATCH possible in the first place. So just in case you thought the white trunks on Raw were a fluke…. see? He DOES like the attention.

Untitled-1 copy

The match was moving along nicely when Jericho jumped out of his seat, drove Mysterio in to the turnbuckle while the ref was twiddling his thumbs and left him in the grip of a count-out. Rey managed to drag himself back under the ropes but Punk stuck the GTS on him and it was all over. Being the fine, upstanding citizen he is, Jeff Hardy could not ignore the injustice he had witnessed and tried to reason with the ref and Punk. Neither wanted to listen , Punk was booed and he held his belt aloft and exited the arena. Game on!

smackdown(lite): sleeping with a punk

It’s fair to say that Smackdown had its fair share of drama at Extreme Rules. I’ll do my best to work in what happened, otherwise it just ain’t gonna make sense.

First person to the ring, CM Punk, with the heavyweight belt around his waist. Yes, you are correct. Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract at Extreme Rules. But not against Edge. Against everyone’s favourite Fonzy…..Jeff Hardy. SHOCKER! IT WAS AMAZING! I LOVED IT! Punk turns heel then. Or does he?  He didn’t seem too mean and menacing standing in the ring.  He even said “That doesn’t make a bad guy.” True heels don’t CARE that you think they’re a bad dude. In fact, they WANT you think they’re a bad dude. I’m confused.

Anyway, Punk went on to say that he plans on bringing some dignity back to the belt. But as he spoke some music hit. Can you guess which music it was? Correct. Go on, you know you want to play it.

I kid. But yes, it was Jeff and uh-oh, he ain’t happy. In fact, he’s so furious he didn’t concentrate when he was getting dressed and pulled on some jeans from the 1986 dress-up box.

vlcsnap-2157621

They argued the toss about whose fault it was and Jeff demanded his rematch THAT NIGHT. But someone else had something to say. Edge butted in and was made to feel wholly unwelcome by his two colleagues. Well, at least they agree on SOMETHING. Oh, I should say, Punk had an amazing match with Umaga at Extreme Rules which subsequently left Umaga unemployed. Hence the new feuding.

The tustle went on and Edge tried to claim that CM Punk was trying to emulate him. Errrrr, yah, cause they look sooo alike, right? Nope. He claimed that Punk’s Straight Edge lifestyle was named after him….. yeah, sure, a 30-year old lifestyle movement was named after a wrestling character. Whatever gets you through the night, sweetie.

edcmjhmctri

Edge thinks Punk is crushing on him, Jeff wants Punk to be crushing on him, Jeff hates Edge but Punk's really crushing on John Morrison. (Not in the triangle.)

Jeff ran out of patience, eliminated Edge but shoving him out of the ring, put the Twist of Fate and then a Swanton Bomb on Punk and hollered at the crowd from the top rope.

But wait, the situation still isn’t resolved. Teddy Long came out to announce that Jeff and Edge would have to fight that night in a number one contender match. Whoever won would face Punk on Raw on Monday. Yes you read right. Raw. Seems they got bored with the brand separation pretty quickly and are mixing things up in a 3-hour Raw tomorrow.  They had a PPV 8 days previous and now they’re having a free PPV style show where Raw should be. *shrugs shoulders*

Having just left the ramp, Teddy Long made his way back to his office to find Chris Jericho looking a little too comfortable in his leather armchair. I swear, he was a cigar, a scotch-on-the-rocks and a fluffy white pussycat away from being a bond villain, just, more naked.

vlcsnap-2164372 copy

Jericho was feeling left out so Teddy gave him a match against Punk for that night. Yum!

Dolph Ziggler took Khali on AGAIN. Getting bored with this. Doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Although, I’m pleased to report that after last week’s observation that Ziggler spreads too much goose fat over his chest, he seemed considerably less greasy this week. A triumph. Now, if he would just let me take the clippers to his horrible hair and ditch the camp leather waistcoat we may be getting somewhere.

vlcsnap-2173149 copy

Ziggler was under the cosh so he grabbed Khali’s interpreter dude by the mutton chops and roughed him up a bit. Khali came to save him and got counted out, giving Ziggler the win.

Next up, a womens match. Michelle McCool and Layla (accompanied by A.Fox) v Melina and Eve. Michelle’s hair looked so cool. Come on, hair. Get BLONDER! Maybe I should try getting out in the sunshine instead of staying hauled up in front of a computer all day. Well, it’s up to you, I can either write stuff to make you happy or have blonde hair. The decision is yours.

AFMMLMNHD

Layla and Eve were fine, but when Melina and Michelle were in the ring together it was AWESOME. Pleaaaaase give them a big  PPV match. They’re so good.

Untitled-7 copy

Best move of all was when Michelle managed to counter a Melina move, dragged her off her back, pull her over the top of her shoulders and shimmied her down the front to put the Faith Breaker on her. I bloody love that Faith Breaker. Every time Michelle does it I swear her victim’s face will have turned concave, and yet they come out just as pretty as they went in. Mwah!

Untitled-8 copy

PS> Please start selling Alicia’s t-shirt in the shopzone. Ta.

From female tag-teams to male couples, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas v John Morrison and R-Truth. I’m just starting to realise that Shelton Benjamin is actually pretty buff. I think maybe the lightbulb on his head was distracting me from what was going on from the neck down. Nice work, m’friend.

Another brilliant match from these guys. R-Truth spinning Benjamin around by his feet and suspended from his neck was amazing. One of the things I love about Smackdown is that even the nothing matches, where nothing is on the line but pride, are a joy to watch. Ok, maybe not Ziggler and Khali….. but the rest. Morrison pinned Haas for the win and gave me my Man-Hug Moment of the week. Interesting that Morrison is often one half of a Man-Hug. I think he misses The Miz. He just wants a new BFF.

vlcsnap-2184656 copy

At Extreme Rules Jericho beat Rey Mysterio and unmasked him as promised. Mysterio left the arena before anyone could really see him. On Smackdown he walked out carrying that same mask and held it up like that famous scene from Hamlet, where Hamlet finds the grave of his old pal Yorick, holds up his skull and remembers him fondly.

Untitled-9 copy

But wait,  Jericho kind of despises Mysterio so that analogy doesn’t work. Fugetaboutit! The match was alright. Pretty good, but it didn’t really count for anything. And it was old heel vs new heel. They still cheered for Punk when he stuck the GTS on Jericho and took the match. See? It doesn’t work yet. Make him be really evil. Randy Orton evil. Now THAT would be sweet!

vlcsnap-2190667 copy

Final match of the night was Jeff Hardy and Edge for that number one contenders spot. You know, considering they had survived an epic ladders match just 48 hours earlier, they did brilliantly. Seriously, they must have had a few tasty bumps and bruises from that match. CM Punk was at the commentary table and chipped in at regular intervals.

Jeff had Edge all lined up for the cover but he made the school-boy error or standing on the ropes for some crowd adoration and gave Edge the opportunity to sneak out of the ring while he was soaking up the love. Jeff came after him but Edge managed to grab him and chuck him at Punk, who was comfortably swinging from side-to-side in his swivel chair. Furious at having his swivel fun interrupted, Punk ran at Edge in the ring and the bell was tolled for the end of the match. All three punched it out for a couple of minutes but nobody knew who the number one contender actually was. Teddy?

vlcsnap-2192925

Tiffany, yes, she of ECW fame, announced Christian vs Dreamer for Monday night, and Teddy announced a triple threat between Edge, Jeff and Punk. I am more excited about this special Raw than I am for most PPVs. I think there’s gonna be a few surprises. Keeeep watchiiing!

smackdown(lite): now that’s how you make a wrestling show

Remember last week when I got all puffed up and tearful about the car crash television that was Raw vs The Denver Nuggets? The reason it got me so wound up was that it worried me that someone might have chosen that particular night to start watching wrestling for the first time and would have thought it was representative of wrestling programming in general.  For the complete opposite reason, I shall be holding on to last Friday’s episode of Smackdown, so that when anyone asks me why I enjoy wrestling I can give them a copy. Kind of like when my sociology tutor asked if she could keep my research project on British Soap Operas as Social Eduction so she could show it to future students on how to execute a media and society project. I’m still proud of that one. But enough of my personal triumphs from the distant past. Let’s go down some smack.

The blue Smackdown trucks rolled in to Memphis and appeared to have picked up a few accessories along the way. The arena was littered with ladder after ladder after ladder.  It looked like a cubist painting from the turn of the 20th Century. If Pablo Picasso were alive today he’d be in heaven. All those straight lines and obscure angles. I imagine his rendition might look something like this.

picassoladders copy

I call it, Sea of Steel. (Title stolen from Jim Ross). PS> If you do the 'right-click, save-as...' on this picture, please credit it back to wrestlegasm.com. Thanks.

Beautiful! Even if I do say so myself. But that’s enough about art. Mainly because without the crutch of Wikipedia I know absolutely nothing.

Edge made his way through the maze of metal and called Jeff Hardy out to join him. Jeff made an impossibly long entrance to the ring, slipping some skin to all the kiddies screaming at him as he went. Well, he IS the Pied Piper of Wrestle World. Everyone dances to his tune. Not that I’m calling wrestling fans rats or anything. Oh, I think I need a new metaphor. I should prob go back to Fonzy. After ducking under every ladder in his path, Jeff  arrived in the ring but exclaimed that he would be decidedly more comfortable on top of a ladder and began climbing.

vlcsnap-8138126 copy

Edge accused him of peddling false bravado and pandering to the sheep in the audience. No, Edge. RATS, not sheep. I’ll send him a copy of this for his birthday…….

ppoh

Edge continued and made sure Jeff knew that every time he made an attempt to reach for the belt at Extreme Rules he’d be there to knock him back down again. BOOO! He climbed to join Jeff at ladder height and they had a good old chin-wag about who would be victorious at Sunday’s PPV. Jeff explained that his free-spirit would be his salvation but Edge got all NUH-UHH, and whacked him across the temple with the suspended title belt. Not content with a mere slap to the head, he tipped Jeff over and he went flying down to the ground, his fall only broken by the ropes. But as JR so diligently reminded us, those ropes are made of encased steel, so not much of a soft landing after all.

vlcsnap-8140782 copy

Great opener. What’s next? John Morrison v Shelton Benjamin. I love watching these two. They’re pacey, creative and so athletic is makes me ashamed of being so unathletic. No, it’s not just Ms. McCool who makes me feel like that. It was a great, solid match and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing the Starship Pain. AMAZING! But the most shocking moment of the match was the revelation from JR that the quadricep is the biggest muscle in the body. WHAT? I thought it was the Gluteus Maximus. Your ass is bigger than your thighs, right? He then went on to say that he remembers that from his anatomy days. Oh, you must be trained doctor then. My apologies Dr. Ross. No offense, but if I’m going to believe the medical ramblings of a Dr. Ross, I’ll stick with this one.

Look at the girl in the background who is supposed to be dead but is actually George out. George Clooney: So handsome he raises women from the dead.

Look at the girl in the background. She is supposed to be dead but is actually checking George out. George Clooney: So handsome he raises women from the dead.

Moving on and Chris Jericho was roaming the backstage area, which means he’ll be calling us all gelatinous again within a couple of minutes.

He strutted his way out to the ring, as he does, and began slamming Rey Mysterio and the audience. Ok, he didn’t say ‘gelatinous’ again, but he did use the words ‘zombies’ and ‘web of deceit’. COOL! But just as Jericho asked us if we’re fully clear on what he was trying to say, some music started playing. R-Truth? R-Truth is facing up to Jericho? I was not expecting that. He did his whole ‘WHAT’S UP?’ thing, asked Memphis what was up, and then asked Chris Jericho what was up with him. It was lovely, comedy moment because the contempt on Jericho’s face was priceless. He had that look my mother gets when I try to explain the purpose of blogging to her.

vlcsnap-8145125 copy

Jericho went on, amazed that anyone dared to interrupt him in full arsehole mode, but R-Truth bit back. Much like Umaga, he’s allowed to speak now. YAY! R-Truth told him that just because he talked down to everyone, it didn’t actually make him badass. But he promised that things were about to get bad. REAL bad. Wheee! Match, pleeeease.

I wasn’t expecting them to work well together. Not sure why. Just not one I’d expect to see on the combo menu. But it was great. To be fair though, I think I sometimes forget how great Chris Jericho is in the ring. He’s got years and years of experience and this current persona he’s been dealt makes me forget how awesome he really is. Declaration of love over, back to the match result. Truth leaped from the ropes but it went wrong, he landed awkwardly and left Jericho with the pin. Better luck next time, kiddo, but welcome to the big-time.

Then, just as Jericho reached the top of the ramp and was about to exit, Rey Mysterio came running out, knocked him down and began pummelling him straight in the face. I may have misheard, but I think JR may have said that Rey was “going Medieval on Jericho”. Medieval? Like this?

mef

Men in tights and funny looking headgear? ‘Cause that’s a description of wrestling, right? Ok I think I’ve got the wrong end of the sword. The officials ran out, managed to prise Rey from Jericho’s chest and it looked like the moment of madness was over. But, just as Rey was about to leave, he made a flying leap off the edge of the ramp straight at the recovering Chris Jericho. IT. WAS. AWESOME. I love when Rey Mysterio gets all fired up like that. And I love you, Smackdown.

vlcsnap-8149555 copy

Next, Umaga and CM Punk were up, minus their PPV stipulation.  Curious, but I’ll assume they know what they’re doing. I think CROTCH WATCH may have made CM Punk so uncomfortable that he’s completely ignoring me now. Not only has he stopped wearing my favourite lavender trunks, but has now taken to wearing black trunks in protest.  Sorry, Phillip. I’m not such a terrible letch. Honest. CROTCH WATCH will now take a hiatus until Punk feels comfortable enough to wear his lavender trunks again. At which point the whole cycle will repeat itself.

Untitled-6 copy

The match itself was brilliant. Really. I know other people have said it, but it could easily have passed for a PPV match. I do wonder if they’ll have enough juice in the tank to improve upon the SD match. I know they’ll have the strap match stip, but still. I’ll make a recommendation. If the PPV match does fall short, let’s not complain. We’ll look back on this one and remember they know how to do better. Deal? It was all moving along beautifully but I figured it would probably go Umaga’s way in the end. NOOOOPE! To my immense surprise CM Punk, who my dad refers to as ‘weedy’, picked Umaga up across his shoulders, held him there and then dropped him like a sack of spuds in to the mat, pinning him for the win. OH. MY GOD. You know what’s coming, right?

punkumagainshwg

John Cena might be a tad pissed off that Punk stole his bit, but sod that. You know what’s better than a big muscly guy who can lift heavyweights above his head? A slightly less muscly guy who can do the same thing. Because that makes him kind of intriguing and surprising. SWOOOOOON!

After all that wrestlegasming (new word) I need a women’s match to give me a few minutes to calm down. Oh, whaddaya know? There’s one coming up next. What a coincidence. :D Michelle McCool, Alicia Fox and Layla(why?) were taking on Melina, Gail Kim and Eve Torres(I see) with Maria as guest referee. MARIA! SWEETHEART! Where’ve ya been, darlin’? I’ve missed you. Maria was wearing a rather fetching referee’s outfit, a little sexier than that worn by the guys.

vlcsnap-8163860

I’ll let you in on a little secret. I often think ‘If I worked for the WWE, what would my role be?’ Wrestler? Errm, no. My body ain’t perfect enough for that.  Commentator? Nah. I’m not quick enough. I doubt anyone would understand me anyway. When I get excited my accent gets a bit incoherent. Ring announcer? Possibly, but my entrance announcement for Randy Orton might go a bit like “OH MY GOD, Randy’s coming out, people. Ooooh, he’s so MEAN looking. RAAAAWR!” Fail. I usually settle for referee, but in a cute little dress similar to Maria’s, but more this kind of shape…….

41-OlP+gb9L._SX280_SH35_

…..a bit vintage-y, but with black and white stripes of course. Right, so, the match. I LOVE the whole Hollywood paparazzi thing they do for Melina and Co. It seems minor, but it’s the fine details make all the difference.

Pretty good match. I thought Gail Kim was particularly wicked this week. When are we going to have a women’s match at a PPV again, Vince? It’s been AGES. TOTALLY unfair. I’d love to see Michelle McCool and Gail Kim in a big PPV match. It would be awesome. But one of them has to swipe the belt from Melina first. Someone sort this out for me, please? Thanks. The match was actually won by my fellow country-woman, Layla. I’m not really getting this, but whatever. Nobody in the company seems to care what happens to the women anyway. I’m pretty sure it’s all done randomly.

And just to sadden me even more, Great Khali is up next against Dolph Ziggler. Gag me with a spoon! I could not care less about Khali, and Dolph Ziggler looked like he just emptied three bottles of baby oil over his chest.

vlcsnap-8170371 copy

But I did just realise this week (thanks to a pic in WWE magazine) that he used to be in the Spirit Squad, which made me point and laugh more than usual. Actually, I think at some point I might start liking Ziggler. I’ve got a feeling in my bones. I’m just not ready to give in yet. Khali won. That’s all you need to know.

Final match of the night was a Champion v Champion match – Rey Mysterio v Edge. More awesomeness ensued and Edge made the pin. Just as Rey was looking like he’d had enough, Edge added insult to injury and dragged a ladder from under the apron. As he prepared to put Rey’s lights out for good, Jeff Hardy ran in with a steel chair, whacked Edge down, set the ladder up in the corner of the ring, gave a nod and a wink to the crowd and performed a 15ft leg drop from the top of the ladder. I actually shouted “YEEEEEEAH!” when he did it.

JHLDONEYEAH

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE NIGHT

vlcsnap-8177437 copy

This lady, right after CM Punk lifted Umaga. She’s got the head-tilt going on, she’s touching her hair. That’s the look of swoon. I’m with ya, darlin’. The dude sitting behind her is obviously an Umaga fan.

See you after the extremities, guys!

scripted reality: why wrestling and the hills are more alike than you think

I know what you’re thinking. Wrestling is a semi-sport where beefy people beat each other up, self-harm for audience entertainment and perspire inelegantly in PVC trunks. The Hills is a TV show about a group of flouncy, LA rich kids who insist that we share in every sordid detail of their privileged lives. They cannot possibly be connected.

thehillsandwwe

But, the WWE and The Hills are more alike than you might think.  On Tuesday, I was catching up on all the latest WWE gossip at PWTorch.com when I came across a story about former WWE Diva, Torrie Wilson, appearing on the American version of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here alongside Spencer Pratt from The Hills. Being in the UK, I don’t have access to this show. Even if I did I doubt I’d watch it. I can bearly bring myself to watch the British version, mainly because they choose celebs so obscure I don’t know who they are. And that’s saying something because I’m quite obsessed with popular culture.

So, apparently Spencer had been upsetting all his fellow contestants in the jungle basecamp and had started a fierce squabble with Torrie Wilson. If I remember correctly it involved an unfounded allegation of steroid use. The PWTorch article also asked readers to identify which heel wrestler Spencer reminded them of.  I got to thinking, the similarities between WWE and The Hills really are striking. I can tell you need a little convincing, so let me elaborate.

Both the WWE and The Hills produce television which, on the surface, appears to be real. But when you apply some logic to them neither are entirely truthful or natural.  We know that when someone gets kicked in the head in wrestling, it isn’t a full force kick. Like when Randy Orton kicked Ric Flair in the skull on Raw this week. We KNOW the kick was just a scuff of the skin rather than a huge crack.  And that’s ok. We suspend our grasp of reality and get lost in the story for the duration of the show. We buy in to characters that are half real, half an exaggeration of their actual personalities. We go along with scripted storylines, we cheer and boo at heroes and villains, and we anticipate what might happen to those characters the following week.

The Hills is much the same. Yes, the people the show follows are real people. But the reality we see on the screen is a distorted, skewed and slightly manufactured version of reality. Whenever you see Lauren  meeting with Brody for lunch, they have mic-packs clipped to their jeans. They may have arranged to meet for lunch in advance, but before they could sit down to that meal, a production team has wired them up and has  set cameras up across the street to capture their conversation. It’s real, but far from natural.

The Hills also has its fair share of heroes and villains. Those of us who are fans of the show like nothing better than discussing how flaky Justin is and how Audrina is just so silly for returning to him over and over again. And when they play the “Coming up next on The Hills…..” clip at the end of every show, we almost can’t stand the seven day wait to find out what happens next in the lives of our favourite “characters”.

Also, both shows are aspirational. I have made no secret of the fact that I’d sell a kidney to look and move like Michelle McCool. I’m sure there are men who watch Randy Orton, John Cena and CM Punk and feel the same way.  Despite knowing the lives of professional wrestlers are short, painful and emotionally draining, many fans still secretly aspire to that lofty level of audience adoration.

When watching The Hills, that laid-back, wealthy, fashionable, cool lifestyle is certainly aspirational. Be honest, if you’re a woman who watches The Hills, you’ve probably secretly imagined yourself living Lauren Conrad’s life, despite knowing full well that what we see on screen is just a tiny, exciting snapshot of her actual life. After watching an espisode of The Hills I find myself thinking in their rhythm of speaking. You know what I mean. That “I know, riiiiight? Ok, so, I called Doug last night and you TOTALLY won’t believe what he said to me. Like, for real, OH MY GOD he was so mean to me.” I can’t lie, when I’ve been watching a really amazing episode of Raw (rare at the moment, I know, but still) I get a little spring in my step. I feel a bit feistier. Like I’ve got fire in my belly. It rubs off on me.

So you see, even though it seems unlikely, the ‘it’s real, but it’s not’ formula applies to two entirely unconnected TV entities and makes them bedfellows. Now, with the serious media analysis over (ha, I’m just SOOO academic), time for something a little more light-hearted to finish. PWTorch asked us to assign Spencer Pratt to a WWE heel, right? So let’s do a quick run-through of the cast to see what we can come up with. If you are familiar with The Hills, feel free to disagree with my choices and suggest alternatives. This would be a whole lot easier if the women of the WWE were given more time to develop public personas, but I covered that already in an earlier post. Let’s see what we have here……….

LAUREN

Strong, dependable, and fun. The kind of girl you want to be best friends with.

lc

She is …….

mj

Mickie James

——————————————–

HEIDI

Naive, headstrong, misses the joke sometimes and can’t do what she knows is for her own good.

hmontag

She is……

WWE Diva Maria Kanellis attends a press conference announcing th

Maria

——————————————–

STEPHANIE

Seems like she’s your friend but not always trustworthy. Watch your back.

sp

She is……

maryse

Maryse

——————————————–

AUDRINA

A beautiful girl who you’d love to be friends with, but she has questionable taste in men.

Audrina-Patridge

She is…….

mmcool

Michelle McCool

——————————————–

LO

Kind of a background friend. Not the first person you think of but always there in a crisis.

lo-

She is…….

afox

Alicia Fox

——————————————–

SPENCER

A complete and utter prick who most people would like to punch in the eye.

spencer_pratt

He is…….

Untitled-1

The Miz

——————————————–

BRODY

Charismatic, always around when needed but a little shady when it comes to the ladies.

bjenner

He is…..

Untitled-2Edge

——————————————–

DOUG

A little sleazy and full of his own inflated sense of self-importance.

dougreinhardt2

He is……

matt_hardy

Matt Hardy

——————————————–

JUSTIN

Manages to blow every opportunity he gets.

8686_photo

He is……

kennedy

Mr. Kennedy (Sorry, Ken. Cheap shot, I know.)

smackdown(lite): moving on

After the chaos of Raw, the exciting comeback and then speedy sacking of Mr. Kennedy,  sitting down to watch Smackdown felt like a snuggly cuddle from a nice boy. Thanks, Smackdown. I can always rely on you.

SD got going with Rey Mysterio, ’cause he’s from California. And they’re in California. Makes sense. He told us that, despite criticism over his choice to have a dangerous No Holds Barred match against Chris Jericho at Extreme Rules, he thought it would be ‘off the hook’. NHB would allow him to beat Jericho using the 619, 213, 323, 310 and even the 818. Oooooh, the 818 is EXTWEEEEM. What is this, a game of NumberWang?

Jericho interrupted and came out to scoff at Mysterio using that common American phrase “Off the hook”. Chris, I love you babe, but I don’t think you should be picking on Rey when you, for the second week running, have used the word ‘gelatinous’ as an insult. Not particularly offensive and, maybe it’s just me, but sometimes gelatinous things can be pleasant. Observe……

GELATINOUS

Oh, yeah, and Mickey Rourke was in the audience. Nothing more to say about that

Jericho offended Mysterio’s heritage and threatened to commit the ultimate anti-Mexico crime and de-mask him at Extreme Rules. He said he was going to expose Rey for what he really is. No need to go to all that trouble. I’ll do it for you

RMUM

It all kicked off, they started brawling and Jericho made a hasty retreat to the ramp.

R-Truth and Khali tag-teamed against Mike Knox and Dolph Ziggler. I tried to concentrate on the match but the fact that R-Truth made Khali do a hip-hop dance and rap along with him made it impossible. It was vile.

MISKDD

Ladies next. Alicia Fox finally got a match to call  her own, but it was against Melina, and the pecking order suggests that Ms. Fox is about to get boxed in to a pulp. She was accompanied to the ring by her BFF, Michelle McCool, who looked so amazing I almost gave up on life.

vlcsnap-1952310

I can’t compete with that. I’m not sure I even wanna BE her any more. I think I just wanna DO her. And I’m not even INTO girls.  But does that mean I wanna do myself? Someone pass me something gelatinous and I’ll find out. No, not the Jelly Fish. That’s just silly. Wait, I think I do just wanna BE her. Not only does she look amazing and manages to walk un-aided down a steep ramp in Eff-Me Heels, but JR also reminded us that Michelle has a Masters degree. That’s it. I’m dead. As a doornail.

deadray

That's me dead. What do you mean dead people can't pout their lips? Shutup! I was actually rocking out to Paramore's 'Riot' album in this picture, but I look kind of 'at peace', right? God, my hair has grown a lot since that pic, and it was only a few weeks ago.

There’s gotta be a downside to being Michelle McCool, hasn’t there? Oh yeah, she’s shacked up with the Undertaker.  Imagine all that eyeliner spread over the pillowcase in the morning! Ok, I am restored.

Riiiight, so yeah, there was a match going on too. I was correct, Alicia got her head handed to her.  Michelle jumped in at the end to help her out but got distracted by the Women’s Title belt and started glaring at it like someone just told her it was ok to eat a Breakfast Baguette. It’s so NOT ok, by the way. Shame on me. Melina snatched the belt back and Michelle indicated that she was coming after it.

mabwmm

After a backstage promo from John Morrison and a PPV promo for the Jeff/Edge ladder match, Jeff ran in to the arena sporting a flashy new blonde hair-do. Ok, that’s it. I’m going blonde again. Not anywhere near as Marilyn Monroe as I used to be, but I AM going to be blonde again.

vlcsnap-1966203 copy

He spoke for a few minutes about how ladder matches are his comfort zone, and left. I don’t know how anyone can feel comfortable throwing themselves off a ladder, but whatevs. As Jeff groped at fans lined along the ramp, Umaga started wobbling down it, whipping strap in-hand.  JR said “Jeff Hardy showing some restraint there and some intelligence, staying away from a Samoan with a leather strap.” So that’s why I keep being whooped by Umaga’s leather strap. I should show some restraint and stop poking him with a stick. I’m so unintelligent. I wish I was more like Jeff.

vlcsnap-1968864

Jeff left and John Morrison joined Umaga in the ring. LOOOOONG match. Although, for an Umaga match it was pretty good. Morrison carried him. Not, literally, he’s not John Cena. But John Morrison’s immense athleticism made it worthwhile, and I never would have thought they’d have complimented each other in the ring. Umaga was DQ’d for using his Samoan strap and it was looking like ‘lights out’ for Morrison, who found himself suspended upside-down from the turnbuckle. Have no fear, Shamen, your new bromance buddy, CM Punk, will save you.

BRIEFCCMU

Punk ran in, hit Umaga in the face with his plastic briefcase and sent him packing. Briefcase to the cranium! Briefcase to the cranium! The ref released Morrison, Punk took his shirt off (YESSSSS) and………. OMG, he’s STILL wearing those dusky blue trunks. Honey, give them to me. They must need washing by now. I’ll even hand wash them if you’re that worried about shrinkage. The things you do for love, eh?

You know what you need when you’re in a rage? You need Todd Grisham to shove a microphone in your face. Which is exactly what happened to CM Punk. Reading between the lines, it’s not looking so hot for Punk at Extreme Rules. Allow me to summarise the interview in table form:

cmpumgtable

And then he looked straight in to the camera, spoke directly to me, and I was TOTALLY in his hotness corner again.

cmpruwmr

Not that I was ever in Umaga’s corner but, you know, it was looking dodgy for a moment there.

Cryme Tyme fought Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas, but I doubt you want to hear about that, so I’ll skip. It was boring. Benjamin got the cover. Eve and Layla finally tried to settle their differences in the ring because, you know, the dance-off, the arm-wrestle and the baby powder in the hair event didn’t do the job. It was horrible. HO-RRI-BLE. The winner was Eve, but the medals should actually have been awarded to Jim Ross and Todd Grisham, who both managed to keep talking through the ‘match’.

“This is a hair-pulling, fingernail scratching type match.” = SHIT

Backstage, Edge and Chris Jericho were supposed to be preparing for a tag-team match against Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy. But Edge and Jericho had a little tiff and Chris did the whole “if you’re not gonna apologise you can sleep by yourself tonight” thing and pulled out of the match.

vlcsnap-2238772 copy

Edge was left standing alone in the ring and Rey Mysterio’s music hit. Edge was going to have to manage this one by himself. Rey did his usual thing of touching foreheads with the masked kids along the jetway and gave his purple mask fringe to the penultimate child in the row. He moved on to bump noggins with the last kid, but the REALLY BIG BOY attacked. For about half a second I really thought a fan was slapping Rey, but I soon realised that had this ACTUALLY happened, the wrestle peeps on Twitter would have been talking about it when I woke up on Wednesday morning. It was in fact Chris Jericho dressed up like a Mysterio super-fan.  Chris Jericho: teeny-tiny enough to pass for a child.  Jeff ran in and tried to help, but things were looking bleak for Rey and he was carted off with his mask in tatters.

vlcsnap-2265580 copy

So it appears that Edge and Jericho were in cahoots (I love that word) and were hoping to take Mysterio out, leaving the match void. But they hadn’t banked on Jeff Hardy agreeing to continue with the match as a two-on-one. The match went as expected, with Edge pinning Jeff for the win. But Edge wasn’t done and dragged a giant ladder in to the ring, rolled Jeff in between the two sides and squashed him like a fly under a swatter.

ejhoyhd

GAME ON!