smackdown(lite): …and then I was a little bit sick in my mouth

At Over the Limit, Drew McIntyre lost his Intercontinental title to a jubilant Kofi Kingston. Not only that, but The Chosen One also found himself the victim of an attack by The Rotund One – Matt Hardy. Drew pulled some strings, brought another letter out to the ring and handed it to Teddy Long. He truly is a Man of Letters. Apparently, Mr. McMahon was most displeased with Matt Hardy’s behaviour and demanded that Teddy suspend him immediately.

Props to whoever made the life-size cutout of Drew. Only a serious fan would go to that much trouble to grab a quick glance from a mid-carder. Dedication to the cause!

Anyway, as you can imagine, Matt Hardy was most unhappy about this. Sidekick Andrew, however, was ecstatic. Not only that his most hated of all roster members had been sent home, but also that indie wrestler Johnny Gargano got another security gig after playing protector to Michael Cole earlier in the evening at the NXT taping.

Incidentally, I noticed who he was before I was told. That’s +10 geek points to me. Woo!

On to the first match, which was Drew McIntyre & Jack Swagger vs Kofi Kingston and the Big Show. It was a great match, finally won by the good guys when Show thumped Drew in the mouth with his giant fist and rendered him unconscious long enough to pin him. Feeling slightly outnumbered, Swagger decided to make a quick exit and cut his losses.

Moving on, all week I’d been dying to see how CM Punk looked with short hair. I was especially patient, and I’ve mentioned before that patience isn’t my thing. Almost a full week after Punk had been scalped at OTL, he appeared in the locker-room with a towel over his head, announcing how he’d show ‘the true face of Punk’ later that night. I believe the noise I made went something like…..

Over in Vickie’s office, Mickie shouted at Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins in Spanish. It was random. She was then approached by Dolph Ziggler, who wanted make sure she was alright. Vickie’s crush on blondie kicked up a notch as she swooned over how his chivalrous actions the previous week had so endeared him to her.  As her necklace suggests, Vickie enjoys the company of young chaps, so she went at trying to seduce Mr. Ziggler. She slowly sidled up to him, pressing her finger to his lips and whispering into his ear that treating her nicely could be most beneficial to his career.

So this is it. This is the moment where CM Punk flings that stinking towel off his head and reveals his lovely short hair. Ok…… brace yourselves…… squeeze the hand of the person next to you……….and……….

Punk went on to be the third Smackdown dude to qualify for the Fatal 4-Way match at the PPV, after defeating Kane in another fantastic match – the first two obviously being Swagger and Big Show.

This lead us to our second tag match of the night – Christian & Hornswoggle vs Dolph Ziggler & Chavo Guerrero.  Vickie had set it up earlier to reward Dolph for being her knight in shining skin. Christian and Hornswoggle won the match, but the second the bell was rung Dolph tackled Christian and put him in his sleeper hold of death. This resulted in Christian taking a little nap in the ring while Dolph and Vickie fired lightning bolts of lust back and forth at each other.

Yeah, I'm gonna need a box of Pepto Bismol if they run with this.

Josh Matthews’ guests at this tiiiime were LayCool.  It has been agreed in the Cardiff Wrestle Bunker that Michelle McCool’s on-screen personality has been elevated significantly by her association with Layla. I dare you not to at least smile when these two are in full ZOMG-BFF swing.

Luke Gallows had a match against MVP, but I was put-off from the beginning when MVP came out and threw chalk in the air a la Lebron James.

Ugg. Basketball culture. Vile.

Gallows won after the ‘mystery SES member’ rolled out from under the ring, hurting MVP, then rolling away again. Seriously, they need to just reveal who this person is. I’m losing interest, which admittedly is probably because the frisson of excitement I’m experiencing anticipating Punk’s baldy head has taken over any desire to see the face of a mystery straight edge soldier.

Proving further than just when I think I’ve got wrestling all figured out, I haven’t…. Undertaker tombstoned Rey Mysterio to win the final match of the show and to book his place in the Fatal 4-Way match. I was certain Rey would take it, but clearly the Dead Man fancies another run at the World Heavyweight title.

I'll blame Takey's bleeding nose on MVP and the white powder he left floating around in the air. Nothing good ever comes of snorting white powder.

Ok. Fine, but the Wrestlegasm staff would like to petition for the removal of Taker from the PPV match so that he can be replaced by the newest full-time member of staff, Wade Barrett. What? National bias? At Wrestlegasm.com? Never. And those rumours that I hung around the Undertaker’s private locker-room to do a Tonya Harding on Taker’s dodgy knee are totally unfounded. Honest.

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